I did this to myself (abortion mentioned)

jessesmama · 10-20-2005, 02:12 AM

I am brand new to this site, and I'm glad I found it. I feel so lost and so unbelieveably alone right now. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. My fiance is trying so hard to be supportive, but he really doesn't know what to do or say either. I was just dx in August of this year. I was at a routine pap test and mentioned it had been a while since my last AF and that I was ttc #2. Something I said must have triggered the thought of PCOS because he sent me that day for an ultrasound and blood work. They knew right away I had PCOS... I even have cysts in my cervix!

I am so devastated. I feel like I did this to myself because I had an abortion after my son was born. I was told that I basically had to get it, because I was already living at my parents house with one child. I was basically in a daze of hell and depression and confusion, and still trying to care for my son. I don't even really remember the abortion, or that day. I went alone, told no one when I went, and recovered alone. No one mentioned it to me. I still don't think that I have really acknowledged what I did. I've NEVER EVER EVER believed in abortion, and don't really know how I was able to actually do it. I feel like I brought this on myself. I feel like PCOS is my punishment for what I did- and that even PCOS isn't enough to forgive me.

Now, I volunteer at a pregnancy aid clinic that helps encourage women to not get abortions. I guess it's to subconsciously create "good" karma for myself. I'm getting married in December, and my fiance is wanting to ttc #2. He knows that I have PCOS and just says that we will have to try harder. He doesn't know about the abortion. I feel like I don't deserve to live.

I love my son so much. He's the only thing that keeps me going. I would LOVE to be pregnant again, but I just don't see it happening. I feel like no matter what I do, I won' t be able to get pregnant, and IF I do, something bad will happen and I will m/c. I'm so scared now.

I guess I'm just writing on here to get it all off my chest... or maybe to see if someone else was dx with PCOS after an abortion. My gyn tells me that the two have nothing to do with each other, but I can't help but blame myself. Anyway, thank you so much for listening if you made it this far. I really do appreciate it! Good luck to you all!

ahydock · 10-20-2005, 02:23 AM

Don't beat yourself up. You have a beautiful son and I'm sure you're a great Momma. You and your new hubby can have another child, it may just take a little longer than some people, or it may not. Once you get on the right meds you will know how your body reacts. You have found a great place of support and people who will not judge you.

What you did in the past and the choices you made can not be changed, so don't spend all of your energy hating yourself. Think about all of the good things in your life. Maybe talking to someone about the abortion would help. Talk to your fiance and gets things out in the air. It is never good to have secrets, and my bet is, he will be understanding and loving.

If you need to talk you can PM me or we can just post back and forth.

Lovey048 · 10-20-2005, 02:48 AM

Definitely don't beat yourself up. When you made the choice, you probably felt it was the best thing at the time.

You didn't bring on the PCOS by having an abortion. I know it may feel like that, but you didn't. Unfortunately, it happens sometimes, and it can be genetic. Is there anyone else in your family who has it?

You've found a really wonderful group of women. Everyone here is great, and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask

*hugs*,

Anne

LaurAnnHere · 10-20-2005, 04:14 AM

PCOS is pretty common. We didn't get this because of anything we did. You're going to have to put your past behind you and work toward your future. You might even want to get some therapy to help you work through the guilt and loss you are feeling over the abortion. I'm sure you have some grief issues to work through.

As for having a baby, there are a lot of treatments available to help you achieve that goal. For my body, I had to change to a low carb way of eating to get pregnant despite all the fertility drugs I was taking. If I got pregnant, I would miscarry. I used to beat myself up and think that maybe God was punishing me for something. Now I have a beautiful little boy. I've learned a lot about my body and have high hoped for a much easier road to travel when we decide to have another baby. Taking care of your PCOS is a matter of learning how your body responds to different treatments. Some people don't need much and some people need a lot. I would start with metformin and see how that works for you. Many people are able to regulate their bodies and get pregnant on metformin alone. I would also suggest a low carb diet like Atkins, South Beach, or the IR diet. You can find plenty of information and support for those diets here on Soul Cysters.

I searched for a website that might help you deal with some of the grief issues you are having about the abortion and I found a site that looks really nice. It has a message board and chat. It might help to talk with other women who have faced the same issues as you have faced.

http://www.postabortionpain.com/

This site looks pretty. I think you really need to look into some support. (((hugs)))

Ronel · 10-20-2005, 05:53 AM

Like the other woman said - DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! the abortion that you had is definately not the reason for you having PCOS... i would also suggest that you speak to someone to get over the heartache of the abortion and speak to your future husband aswell... and once you've overcome the heartache you can concentrate on the future and TTC #2!!! you will find a big support group of woman on this website!!!

Good luck to you and i'll keep you in my thoughts!!!! (((HUGS))))

georgy · 10-20-2005, 06:38 AM

you need to read up more on PCOS, it can't be 'caught' because of something you've done.
Feeling guilty about the abortion too isn't helping, it was and is a personal choice and you must have felt that it was the right choice for your situation. You need to move on and if you are still struggling then you might want to consider counselling. good luck, I hope you manage to come through this and come out with a more positive attitude.

Penelope Pitstop · 10-20-2005, 07:08 AM

I'm really sorry your feeling so low at the moment but there are lots of things they can try now in relation to treatment of pcos and fertility

Good luck

((Hugs))

mmariee88 · 10-20-2005, 03:45 PM

Girl just read the mommy board, there is proof that women with PCOS have children. It may take time and a little more effort but it is possible. The past is the past. I realize you feel guilty for the abortion, but you should not beat yourself up about it. It is something you did and it was the best thing for you at the time. Move forward with your son and soon to be hubby and make a better future.
Melissa

JaneB · 10-20-2005, 04:19 PM

I just want to echo what everyone else has said....and I'm talking from the perspective of having had an abortion myself, so I DO understand what you are saying about the "punishment" thing.

When I was 18, I feel pregnant accidentally and the guy didn't hang around long enough to know I was pregnant at first - he was too busy with the married woman he'd been having an affair with since (or maybe even before) we got together. When I told him I was pregnant, he accused me of trying to trap him and get back together with him. My parents were stricter than strict and I had no-one to turn to. In desperation, I agreed to have a termination. I have felt nothing but guilt ever since...and I'm 34 now - to be exact, I'm 34, happily married to a wonderful man, TTC for over 3 years and was DX'd earlier this year with PCOS. Boy, did I beat myself up over what happened when I was 18!

The point I'm trying to make is that no matter what happened (and we can all recount our own experiences), having PCOS is not a "punishment" for a "crime" we committed (and have paid for in our own minds time and time again) - it's a natural condition we have to learn to live with. The truth is, whether you had a termination or not, you would always have had PCOS.

Please don't beat yourself up about it anymore. You are not a cold hearted person, you are a warm loving woman with a beautiful son. You are lucky.

Take care,

Jane

JuliannePCOS · 10-20-2005, 04:55 PM

((hugs))

nikkisix · 10-20-2005, 08:29 PM

Try to be good to yourself.. you have to move on from the past before you can go forward with what looks like a great future for you and your family...

I agree with all the other cysters, try not to beat yourself up about the decision you made in a period of time in your life when things were not going well.
I hope you can find some peace, and know that PCOS is not a punishment for anything you did!

Nicole

VivC · 10-21-2005, 05:20 PM

Hmm...I've never had an abortion, I've tried to live a decent life, and I still got PCOS. What would you attribute it to in my case?

Sometimes this just happens. It sucks, it's not fair, but it has NOTHING to do with what you may or may not have done. You're not being punished.

I do think you should tell your fiance about the abortion. If you're going to build an honest life together, you should get it out in the open.

((Hugs)),

CelticSpirit · 10-21-2005, 11:26 PM

Sweetie,

Please don't beat yourself up. Please.

I know a number of people who SHOULD be punished for various reasons and they are quite healthy. It's not a punishment, but one of those crosses that some of us must bear.

And, I'm a mother of 3 miracles. It CAN happen. Hang in there and don't give up hope! We're here for you.

ladyevenstar · 10-22-2005, 01:20 AM

Please, please, please- get yourself to a counselor...hun, now that you know that there's no physical way for an abortion to cause PCOS, you have to work through the guilt you are harboring within yourself. You, your son, and your fiance need you to be as healthy as possible- in both body and mind. Take a step towards helping *you* by talking to a professional! And know that we're here, as well...stop thrashing yourself- it won't help your system to work properly if you keep these intense emotions churning inside.
Good luck sweetie-
~HUGS~
Susan

sockmonkey · 10-22-2005, 04:01 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. My BF had an abortion last year and has been punishing herself ever since. I think that you feel you need to be punished and that anything bad that happens is what you think you deserve. You are human. Nobody is perfect, we all do things we regret. I think that everyone has this idea of who they are and what things they think are wrong and things that they would never do. As life happens, sometimes we lose our way and sometimes we lose ourselves. I have done things that I thought I would never do and I hated myself because I was not the person I thought myself to be. Now I think that I am more forgiving and understanding and less judgemental due to my faults and regrets. I think that you did what you felt was what you needed to do and that was not an easy decision. You do not need to be punished, you need to forgive yourself. There are many women that have had abortions. I know one, she is my BF and I love her no matter what, she is a wonderful, giving person. I think that if you had a friend that had an abortion you would not judge her or love her any less-don't do any less for yourself.