I was doing fine until I saw all my medical receipts...

enits · 10-10-2005, 06:20 PM

It really has been difficult for me to come to this board. I thought I had passed the point of grieving for both my losses but it comes back every now and then. Today is definitely one of those days.

So here I am crying and writing this. This is what I get for going through my paperwork and filing them in the appropriate places. I saw all the receipts for all the bloodwork, ultrasounds, the labor & delivery and hospital stay, all the damn D & C's, the ovarian drilling/laparoscapy from 2 years ago, the jaw surgery, and the receipt from when I was first diagnosed with PCOS back in 2003. And here I am crying because those receipts chronicle my struggle with my health.

And then I see all the new posts from women with recent losses and I just feel so helpless.

My DH is ready to TTC.

Two of my good bestfriends will be having their babies in the next few months. I'm thrilled and happy for them but yet I'm reminded of my pain.

I really feel like I'm in this limbo la-la land.

The other day my DH said to me out of the blue, "Our daughter would have been almost 3 months old." I was washing dishes and cried.

A few months ago I bought a beautiful box in which to store our daughter's things. Its colors are light green and pink. Those are the colors that I wanted for her room, her room that I'm currently using as an exercise room to help get rid of my frustrations. I can't bear put her things away. I'm scared to touch the little mold of her handprints and footprints. The box remains empty.

*sigh* I'll be okay. I always have and I always will. I just need to let this out. Thanks for listening. I'm going to resume organizing my office and file everything away. I hope I won't have anymore mini-meltdowns like this..not for another 3 hours, I hope. I need to kick DH's butt in tennis later this evening.

JuliannePCOS · 10-10-2005, 06:23 PM

((hugs)) for you.

I know exactly how you feel.

Mustard Seed · 10-10-2005, 07:08 PM

I can only partially understand what you're going through, but I am here listening. Thinking of you... {{hugs}}

SheriKCMO · 10-10-2005, 07:44 PM

You became a mother and are changed for life, so please give yourself a break. Moms of living children are sentimental, sensitive emotionally, and often downright fragile. Don't you think that we mothers of deceased babies would be these things and even more?

No matter what the trigger of each crying spell or just little wince from pain, we are healing when these things happen, and it is good. We will be on this rollercoaster for a while, and sometimes it is rough enough that we should cushion ourselves from the things that will obviously set us off. But most of the time, it is just your heart doing the important work of grief that makes you cry. Let it flow.

And take your time on the memory box. I'm still not ready to put my stuff together. One of the moms in my support group has a beautiful scrapbook, and she told me not to feel bad... it took her five years to be ready to get it all together.

(((hugs))) You're doing great, hang in there.

annem84 · 10-11-2005, 12:28 PM

((hugs)) I sorta know how you are feeling. I'm an emotional wreck also. I keep thinking that I should be feeling movements and picking out names, etc but I'm not. Please know that you are not alone in this. I'm here for you ((HUGS))

VivC · 10-11-2005, 03:01 PM

((Enits)). You'll heal in your own time. None of us reaches the milestones on the same schedule. Be gentle with yourself.

Viv

enits · 10-11-2005, 06:30 PM

Thank you for listening to me and acknowledging my pain. You girls and my husband are the only ones who understand. Everyone else avoids this topic. (((((hugs)))))

TracyW2 · 10-11-2005, 06:36 PM

{{{HUGS}}} I kind of know what you are talking about. The first night that I started bleeding we went to the ER. So you know that is going to be a nice bill. I told dh i hope I didnt come here for no reason. Well I went there for no reason. After 3 hours, all they knew was that I was preg, but didnt know if it would make it cause the beta was a little low. Well less than 2 weeks later I found out I had already lost the baby. And of course the ER bill came shortly after that. It was so heart breaking seeing that bill and then having to pay it.

~tracy

MommyOAnna · 10-13-2005, 06:09 AM

I am so sorry

I kinda know what you mean about the paperwork. We have insurance coverage through the military, and they used to send statements about what had been covered in appointments. After I lost Jaden last year and a few months had went by (and was finally starting to calm down) BOOM we get statements from them from the hospital trips, etc. but the biggest kicker was (although I know this is was it is called medically) when my D & C was called an abortion. I have never lost it so hard in my life. I was like, "they should no better then to put someone through this"...because I was like, this was NOT an abortion....ug, anyway they have gotten smart and don't send statements anymore unless money is owed on something. So unfair to have to feel smacked in the face when you are just starting to be able to get back into your routines.

I hope kicking Dh's butt at tennis helped (since I just noticed this post is a few days old) {{{hugs}}}

enits · 10-13-2005, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyOAnna

I hope kicking Dh's butt at tennis helped (since I just noticed this post is a few days old) {{{hugs}}}

It sure did! However, I twisted my ankle -- but it sure was nice to take out my frustrations on a tennis ball.

I know what you mean about the terms abortion/missed abortion/spontaneous abortion... I've become accustomed to them (isn't that terrible?) It would suck if they ever use the term "habitual aborter" with me. I hope that will never happen.

Well the medical receipts are neatly filed away. I hope I don't have to see them in the near future.