I have been bleeding most days since March 22. I finally made an appointment. They were going to put me on the pill, but did a pregnancy test just in case. I got a bfp. On Thurs they called me and said my beta's Wed. were 83. Good strong early pregnancy levels, they said. They wanted me to come in Mon. to repeat the test. I convinced them to let me come Fri. I was bleeding and crampy, so I was sure there was something wrong.
On Fri @7:30 they took my blood. At 11:35 they called me to say my beta's were 100... too low they said. They didn't think it was viable and wanted to see me. I left school. I was too upset to think.
I went in at 2:30. They did an u/s. He found blood in my ovaries, but was perplexed by what was going on. He sent me to the hospital for further u/s. At 6 I went... They found lots of blood also, but no one was sure what was up.
After discussion, my dr. was still confused as to what was going on with my body. He was worried and said it was "a cunundrum". He wanted me to check into the hospital for surgery. He said he might find nothing, but a healthy pregnancy. Or, the worst, I might have an eptopic and have to have my tube removed.
At 9:30 the surgery began. At 11:30 I was done and being wheeled into my room. I had had an eptopic pregnancy. I was 9 weeks pregnant. They were suprised my tube hadn't burst. They were able to salvage the tube.
Yesterday went by in a drugged stupor. It took me most of the day to get my equilibrium and to be able to eat without fear of being sick. I slept on and off for most of the day.
Today, realization hit at 4:30 a.m. The baby is gone... I am left with anger, hurt, and 3 incision areas on my stomach. Every time I look at them I am angry and disgusted. How could I have gotten pregnant after over a year of trying and have it taken? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? Why am I broken? How can my husband love a baby killer? Did I not want it enough? Why is this so damned hard? How can I go on?
My heart is broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so very sad. All I can do is cry.
__________________ Courtney
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Mommy to the Wonder Twins 03/20/07
Wife to an Iron Man
Dx PCOS 2/04: IR 7/05 Angel, Jalen Lee, due to Eptopic Pregnancy 4/21/06
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Courtney-- all I did the week after I lost my pregnancy was sleep and cry. I didn't know what else to do. Your feelings are valid... and a month later I still have my down days, and I will never forget, but each day the hurt is less, and the memory is becoming happier. Even if the baby was taken away from me unfairly, I was a mother... I had a special bond. But it has taken some time and a lot of contemplation and talking for me to get to the point where I can get out of bed in the morning and enjoy the day.
Know that it was not your fault-- there was nothing you could have done. These things happen and it is a mystery as to why. You know that nobody wanted that baby more than you did and that plenty of people who don't want babies have them all the time. It isn't fair, there's no reason to it. But an ectopic pregnancy is nobody's fault, except maybe the medical profession for not having advanced yet to a point where they can save one.
You WILL be able to go on, but take all the time you need to get there. Losing a baby is awful. I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through right now. It shouldn't happen to anyone. We will all be here for you if there's anything we can do, please let us know.
I'm so sorry for your loss. As mothers we want to protect our children. When we are unable to protect them we blame ourselves even when there was nothing we could do to prevent it. You couldn't prevent this any more than you could wisk the sun out of the sky, but it doesn't stop you from beating yourself up about it. I don't know why this happens. I don't know why any mother should have to part with her precious baby. There are no answers and it's frustrating and heartbreaking. You think your heart can't go on beating with the pain and pressure, but somehow it does. As the days go by it will become more bearable, though, you will always love, remember, and miss your baby. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry Those questions are tough cuz there just arent any answers...but know you are never alone and you are never to blame...it takes a long time to allow yourself to accept that, but i know the girls here will help you like they did me. Take care of yourself, and i hope you find some peace and comfort...
I am so sorry for your loss. This was not your fault. I know that it is hard, and you want to be able to blame someone, but please do not blame yourself. Take time to grieve and remember your baby. I know this is hard, but remember that you have cysters that know how you feel and are here to listen and support you.
Kath
__________________ dx pcos and IR 12/02
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Mom to 3 angels (2 1st trimester miscarriages & 1 full term stillborn) and 2 grade schoolers
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I just want to say how sorry i am. I had almost the IDENTICAL thing happen to me-found out i was preg. and scheduled my first appt. but couldn't get in for a long time. like you 9 wks into it (after having sex) i started to bleed. other then that everything was absolutely normal. We went to the ER 2 times in like 4 hrs. out here and they said everything was ok-never did any blood work or u/s-whole other story - the last thing the crack pot doc said to my DH was that i need to go home and take a nice long poop-i sounded a little blocked. WTF!?? So we ended up driving to the next town over (1 1/2 hrs drive away) they did u/s and blood work and thought i had miscarried awhile ago and my body was just now "reacting". They sent me home w/ an apt. w/ a ob/gyn from town-highly recommended for the next day. I went to him and they did more bloodwork-my levels weren't going up like they were suppose to (doubling every other day) but they were rising. He wasn't sure what was happening...he thought ectopic but i was in NO pain whatsoever and he could tell by how i was moving my body i wasn't lying. So for a handful of more times every other day we went to him and had blood work done. He was almost positive it was ectopic but didn't want to just operate like it was 'cause i would 99.9% loose the preg. but finally the day came he said we needed to schedule it. I was beyond devastated-it was my 1st preg. and this happened? he said that there was a 10% chance for ALL women who get preg (all over the world) for ectopics...it only happens in that many. But my logic was if i was in that % and that % rises w/ subsequent preg. No was was i gonna get preg. again. After the surgery i was put on contraction pills and it was the most horrible time in my life. My SIL was 2 mths more preg. then me; i was staying w/ MIL and FIL while our house was getting renovated and my MIL was very non-compassionate. Always talking about SIL preg/babies..everything. my SIL was always complaining about some preg. symptom..so dh said to them look-can you just cut back on the baby talk around gina, at least for the first week after her surgery. My MIL said "i am not going to just forget that my youngest daughter is preg because this happened to gina." I was put on BCPs right after the surgery and that end of the pack i didn't get my AF...believe me when i say we were not trying. i don't even remember missing my pills 'cause i did not want to be ever again. I was like clockwork when i was on the pills before the ectopic and thought it was weird. We went to the doc/ran to the hosp to have blood drawn and when the nurse walked in the waiting room ECSTATIC and wispered-you're preg and the numbers look PERFECT.....i remember that day like it was today-not 5+yrs ago...i just want to give you some hope and know that it's true-it's not your fault..mine was because my one tube was "deformed" it's kinda crimped - unfortunately the bad tube is w/ the good ovary.....and it worked out for me...they were able to salvage the tube/cleaned it up a little and opened the blockage a little more..i too had a Huge tube - doc wasn't sure how the tube didn't rupture and my internal bleeding was so severe he didn't know how i wasn't in any pain at all...thank god for high pain tolerance! Please email or pm me when ever you want...i'd love to talk.
__________________ Gina
Breastfeeding cyster
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Me:31/DH (Dan):30
DD(Mikayla):@32 wks-6lbs
DS(Bradley):@37 wks-6lbs 12.9oz
Diagnosis:
Rh Negative
Endometriosis-6/00
Insulin Resistance-9/04
Hypothyroidism-9/04
Ectopic+emergency surg 6/00 ("deformed" tube)
Metformin-2,000mg/day-since dx'd
Synthroid-.075mg/day-since dx'd
Prenatals
start weight-246
current-233
goal-"I'll take whatever i get!"
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Please believe me when I say it was not your fault. After a loss, we want answers. When we can't find answers we tend to balme ourselves. I can remember trying to replay every single day of my pregnancies, I wanted to know what I could have done differently. In my second pg, I did things quite differently than i did in the first one. But, I lost my son anyway. I realized then, it was not my fault. I too had a lot of anger about my losses. I couldn't understand why women who don't need or want babies, abuse their bodies and don't get prenatal care can have perfectly healthy babies. Many of them go on to abandon their babies or kill them. None of it makes sense.
I know you're hurting right now, but, it won't hurt this bad forever. Let yourself grieve, you've had a terrible loss. But, I promise, you will survive this, and the sun will shine again.
Another pg may be in the cards for you very soon!
(((((BIG HUGS))))))
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
Thank you all so very much. Reading everyone's supportive words really helps. Today is better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be evening easier. I'm just trying to take things one step at a time.
My next question is, did you do anything to remember your angels? I think dh and I are going to pick out a little tree. I just want something to remember our baby by. What did you do? Also, how do you talk to people. I am staying out of school until Wed. But, I don't know what to say to my coworkers or my 3rd grade students. No one knew I was pregnant... but I'm sure the word has traveled that I lost my little one. Please give me your suggestions.
__________________ Courtney
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Mommy to the Wonder Twins 03/20/07
Wife to an Iron Man
Dx PCOS 2/04: IR 7/05 Angel, Jalen Lee, due to Eptopic Pregnancy 4/21/06
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I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I have asked many of the same questions that you have asked. I wish I had answers. It's heartbreaking and you can only take every moment as it comes. Be good to yourself, hon.
My husband and I are going to plant a white rose bush in our backyard in honor of our baby, Bryce. I also found this little statue that I want to put under the rosebush. It's the wings of an angel laying down with a baby laying sleeping in them. It's really beautiful and I thought it was perfect.
I think your idea of a tree is perfect!
We are all here for ya hon.
Manders
__________________
Our baby Bryce Rylee could only stay 7 weeks and 5 days before going to meet Jesus to be one of His angels.
3-15-06
Our twin baby boys went to Heaven together 5-7-07
Gavin James and Brogan Ryker 19 weeks 3 days
They died and ended up saving my life. They are forever my heroes.
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PM me about my Grandma's newly published Gluten Free Cookbook!
I love the idea of the tree or the white rose bush to remember your child. I have birthstone rings for my angels, and I also have a necklace that instead of birthstone children has birthstone angels.
For a while I also made baby blankets and donated them to a local hospital with instructioins that they be used for stillborns and miscarriages. Give it a little time and you will think of something that will be special for you.
Glad that you had a better day. It won't always hurt so bad
Kath
__________________ dx pcos and IR 12/02
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Mom to 3 angels (2 1st trimester miscarriages & 1 full term stillborn) and 2 grade schoolers
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I have a Mother's necklace with each of my baby's birthstones on it.
We named each baby to give them an identity.
Since their are no birth or death certificates when you miscarry, I made Life certificates for my babies that I plan to frame and hang in what would have been the nursery.
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
To remember my angels, I bought jewelry with each of their birthstone. I also developed a very cynical attitude about it, which helped me cope in my own way. I told my mom "I hope I don't lose another pregnancy because I can't afford any more jewelry." She about smacked me.
There is a church in New York City that will make "certificates" in memory of each of your angel. (They email them to you.) They will enter your baby's name in their "Book of Life." Visit them at www.innocents.com and click on the link on the left that says "Shrine Dedicated to Children Who Died Unborn."
I bought a special Eric ring. I was about 6 months when I lost him, so I used the month he was born in. It has his birthstone, a blue topaz. I also got a charm bracelet with a few things on it for him, and will add to it when we have other kids. We're going to buy a tree and plant it at my grandpa's house, and when we buy a place, we'll get another one. Someone gave me a necklace with his birthstone, and my sister and I are going to pick out a star.
I'm so sorry for your losses. The women on here are my pillars. I don't have a lot of support IRL, so I'd be lost without them. I've tried Silent Grief too. It's good.
Try to take care of yourself, and don't blame yourself. You couldn't have done anything different. You're very special.
Good luck.
__________________ Molly
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BFP 12/23/08 M/C at appr. 5-8 weeks-nothing on the u/s To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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I don't know how to cope 
Those questions are tough cuz there just arent any answers...but know you are never alone and you are never to blame...it takes a long time to allow yourself to accept that, but i know the girls here will help you like they did me. 
Take care of yourself, and i hope you find some peace and comfort...
to you. I am very sorry for your loss.
