I don't know if I can deal with this anymore

readysetxplode · 07-27-2006, 08:25 AM

This is the third or fourth night all summer I've stayed up all night crying because of how much I hate myself. And I do, I have since before, and even moreso after I got diagnosed in seventh grade. I've always been fatter, taller, more covered in acne, and for God's sake, hairier, than everyone else. I just can't deal with it anymore. I can't shop where I want to because I don't fit in the clothes. Why does thin have to be in? And because I don't fit in a 00, I can just forget about even looking for a boyfriend. God forbid anyone chubby can be happy.

Oh, and my boobs stopped growing in fifth grade. I've been an A cup since. How embarassing.

I'll give myself the credit that .. last I checked, I lost like 50 pounds since I was first diagnosed. But I still feel as ugly and disgusting as ever. It just feels like it's never enough. On top of my self hate, there's the occasional broken heart - and when it happens, it's bad; liking someone can go on for years and when I finally got the courage to say anything .. well, you can guess what happened.

I just wish I knew what it was like to be normal, even if it was just for a day. I don't remember a time where I was skinny or not tomboyish.

I want to be happy, but I can't make myself happy.

I wish my mom would listen to me for once and get me a therapist like I asked her to .. I had one in fourth grade and it seemed to help.

I feel awful.

ibcnuldu · 07-27-2006, 09:21 PM

Normal really is all in your mind. Where I live everyone is blonde, rich, and beautiful. I've found that since graduating from high school people aren't as petty. The hair issue bugged me a lot at first. Then I had to grow it out in order to start doing laser therapy and my best friend goes, "Did you always have hair there?" It turned out I was making a much bigger deal about it than everyone else was.

As for boyfriends. I know it seems really awesome to have a boyfriend in high school and it seems like everyone has one. But your teenage years really should be about yourself, screw portioning yourself off to some guy that you'll probably only date for a few months. The first boy I dated was a complete jerk and it lasted about a month. I got nothing out of that relationship. And as men get older they smarten up and realize that they do not want the superficial 90 lbs girl! I worried about it at first but really, there are so much more beneficial relationships out there than high school boyfriends.

KatrinaAnne · 07-27-2006, 10:23 PM

::Big hugs to you sweetheart::

I noticed that this is your first post...so first I would like to say WELCOME TO SOULCYSTERS. This is an amazing place- a place where you will find support, advice, answers, guidance, and most important...FRIENDS...great friends....the kind of friends that love you for you.....and share in your happiness, your sorrows, and all life has to offer.....even the not so fun stuff, like PCOS.

I want to tell you...I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 17...but I had had symptoms ever since I was about 11. I remember gaining weight really fast, irregardless of excercising, playing sports.....and I also started having irregular periods...and excess body and facial hair began sprouting....at the time I was embarrassed, I had no idea what was going on with me. I just knew my body was changing, and it was changing fast. I was struggling with my body.....I was crying myself to sleep.......I really did not like myself at all.......

But one day...I decided to change....I dont mean physically, I mean mentally. I realized that there was things that I could not necessarily change about myself...but there were things I could.....I decided to like myself! Now, I am still on the journey to self acceptance....I am 22 and I still struggle and I still cry...but I also know that I am blessed.....

I want to tell you something very important- I feel that the key to true happiness is learning to love yourself...all of yourself......just the way you are. Now, there are things you can do to make yourself feel better about yourself...but you truly are beautiful....we are all beautiful....we have things that make us beautiful..our hearts...our souls....our smiles.....everything about us is beautiful. I am still on the journey of trying to love myself...but each day I get a little closer.

Let me also tell you a little bit about love! Now love, love is a complex thing...I still dont fully understand all of it, but love is not something that can be explained, it can only be felt. I got married this summer, in June actually to an amazing, wonderful man. His name is Salem......he is wonderful sweetheart, completely wonderful. He loves me...all of me. Salem was my first love...and I truly believe he will be my only. He loves me for me....and you know what...he thinks I am beautiful. He loves my size 28 body...I am a very large girl...and he loves me.......he does not mind the hair growth on me...it is a part of me...I may not love it...but it is a part of me...and it is a unique part of me........See...when you love a person, for who they are...when you love their heart and their soul...you love all of them...the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of that person.....Sometimes, the people who love you...see what you see as flaws...as beautiful...and priceless....

I am trying to tell you...even though it is not easy...remember who you are. Listen the the beautiful sounds you make when you laugh....look at the way your eyes twinkle when you look at something that you love or are passionate about...remember how hard you worked to get where you are today...and feel good about that....and above all REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I always have to take about my friend Sarah in these threads...Sarah is a friend of mine that I will always admire and always think the world of. She was burned all over her body and face when we were in the 8th grade....she struggled terribly to accept herself...she hated the way she looked......and her boyfriend at the time, who did not love her left her.....I remember being in 10th grade and looking over at her and seeing tears stream from her face....I asked her what was wrong...and she said "look at me, Im disgusting, I hate myself." My heart went up to my throat.....one of the people I admired the most....and thought was the most beautiful...could not see the beauty in herself. I remember meeting up with Sarah one year after our first year of college.....we went out to dinner and I looked over and once again she had tears streaming down her face....I once again asked Sarah what was wrong...and she said "Katrina...you're right...Im beautiful....I am learning to love me again." Once again...my heart went up in my throat...but this was for a different reason....I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HER...

Sarah inspires me everyday...today she is a mom....and she is happily married to a man who thinks she is the most beautiful girl who walks the planet. Sarah is beautiful...she has amazing hair, an amazing smile......she has beautiful eyes....and she wears a dress better than anyone I know...but above all Sarah has a beautiful heart of gold...that could make anyone fall in love with her....

I want you to know that you are not alone...and we are here for you....

Welcome to Soulcysters sweetheart.......

I love this place...when I come here it feels like home- I hope it does to you too!

-Ann · 07-28-2006, 02:25 AM

Hi KatrinaAnne! I know the feeling that you can't have a boyfriend because you don't fit into a 00, but the thing i found is that guys will like you regardless of your weight, they just don't show it. I'm almost 14 and guys are so jumpy and hormonal they'll just tell you that they like you and my class has about 45 kids in it and 5 guys liked this year just in my grade so I'm guessing that older men just don't like to display their feelings as much. Well I hope it helps! You're beautiful!
-Ann

KatrinaAnne · 07-28-2006, 03:36 AM

Hi Ann!

Your message is Sweet...thank you...

But I think it was meant for readysetxplode

::Hugs::

-Ann · 07-28-2006, 04:14 PM

Oops! Sorry Katrina Anne! Well it can go for all of you ladies!

KatrinaAnne · 07-28-2006, 07:12 PM

Your a sweetheart

::HUGS::

rainbowchaser · 07-29-2006, 01:42 PM

hey.. i'm new here, i just want to tell you, i know that a lot of people and a lot of situations would make you feel so bad about yourself, but i want you to know that there are people who loves you for who you are. as for guys... i'm 19 and i never had a boyfriend. but you know what i tell my self? it will come on its own time. sometimes i feel luckier than the pretty, sexy girls, because sometimes, men love them for how they look and men disregard their inner beauty. you just have to be patient. and when you find love, you will be loved for who you are, because they like who you are, your personality and not how you look... you have to accept to yourself that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! no matter what other people say. katrinaanne is right. love yourself, because this will shield you from people who makes you feel like crap because you'll know in your heart who you are and what you're made of and that you are more that what they think you are...

i do hope i helped. a lot of people here loves you... i'm one of them...

:hugs:

GothicCyster · 08-01-2006, 09:30 PM

wish i could help more. but i used to be very self-conscious. i had pcos symptoms since 6th grade. overweight & hairy mostly. never had bad bad acne but now it pops up when it feels like it and when it does its a lot.

thing is...i never thought id find someone who could love me but i have. we been together for five years. or four...well whatever lol i forget...anyway its hard. i hated going shopping and finding nothing in my size. or nothing cute. and its hard when no one believes you need therapy. id love to have it now. just to talk. bcuz i hate myself. sometimes i look in the mirror and just feel sick to my stomach. but then again there are times that i look and LIKE what i see.
try dressing up just for fun some time. style ur hair different ways and wear something special just for the sake of dressing up. and experiment w/ makeup (use cotton swabs to apply it so you keep your makeup palettes clean).
but just try to make yourself FEEL good. sometimes that can make you more optimistic and more likely to find something you like about urself.
make a list of what you DO like about urself like hair colour, eyes, nose, whatever it is, even if its that youre a good person, ure funny, u make good grades, etc...
or take up a hobby & meet new people or something like that. it will also make you feel better to get out, meet people, & be able to acquire a new skill.

and not only that...some guys tend to like bigger girls. sure, some guys said they didnt like me cos i was fat. one of them looks HORRIBLE now lol i found him on myspace and he gained some weight. he had acne but i thought he was cute, i didnt care but the thing was i actually failed to see what a horrible person he was on the inside. he really made me think he liked me...

in fact this guy was just an idiot when i really got to know the real HIM. he was a braggart who would lie about everything (he could lift 250 lbs and was scrawny and only admitted it was a lie when the other guys kept making fun of him and told him they knew he was lying...lol)
one girl even called me fat and she gained a lot of weight.

thing is...u never know how life is gonna treat someone. and if they cant treat you with kindness or respect, then when they have the same problems then im sure they will suffer the same problems...things come back at people.

and u just have to keep going w/ the knowledge that things get better!!! it really does. and at the time it feels awful but i wish i could show u...im much happier than i was at 16. not as happy as i was at 17 lol...but happier than at 16.

VPixieDust · 08-24-2006, 04:56 AM

o just so you know if you ever fit into a size "00" thats very nasty!! you dont wunt that ....... you should be happy in what you are ...its fine!!! i know how you feel......"if only i could just be like 5 or 6 sizes smaller" but youll get there in time ..... dont stress about it ..... just keep thinking...i lost 50 pounds and thats good enough Ive just started my medacine and im only hoping to lose like 15 pounds AT LEAST! !!! and.....you lost 50!!!!! =))))

keep smiling =)))))
<333

Miss P · 08-29-2006, 04:32 AM

Hugs hugs and more hugs. I know how feeling like that feels but it will get better. I am by no means a 00 but I have finally settled with my jean size and realized God made me this way. I know not having a bf hurts and having your heart broke is even worse, been there done that but being with someone just to be with someone is not what you want it hurts worse that way. Please just wait even if it feels like forever you will be happier when that special someone comes along that doesn't care about your hair in places it's not supposed to be and doesn't care if you are a little taller than him or if your not a 00 most guys if you talk to the real good ones, not just the ones that want some, don't like those skinny girls anyways there's nothing there to hug. He will care for you for the person that is down deep and fun loving. I know that I don't know you and you don't know me but we are bonded by these ugly things inside us that make us beautiful in our own special ways. Hang in there it has to get worse before it can get better!