I don't know what to do

Micmoore · 04-02-2007, 12:38 AM

I am in a bit of a hard situation. My DH and I adopted a sibling group of 3. They have an older sister (we will call her K) and she is placed with a friend of the birth family. We wanted her as well, but that is a whole new post

Let’s just say it was not our choice she left. The county let a 9 year old decided where she was going to live.

Anyway- I took my 9 yo DD to a birthday party for her bio-cousin today. We have a semi open adoption with pics and letters, but we allow them to see their bio-grandmother. Well, at the party we learned things are not going well for the K. The home she is in has 5 kids total. She is 13 and the other kids are like 8, 3, 2, and 1 and now the mother is having another child. They have taken K out of school and she is pretty much the only one who takes care of all childcare and household chores. She has not been in school since Christmas. They took her out to “home school” her on one of the computer type schools, but there is not even a computer in the house. When we went to get her, the house was filthy. Animal poo everywhere and just a total mess! They have moved 4 times since December and K has no bed. She is sleeping on the floor. I am horrified. Things were not this way when they took her.

I am going to call children’s services. K should not be treated this way and should not have to live like that. That is not my problem. When I talked to K tonight she was crying and does want to live with us. Her only problem is she wants to have contact with the bio family. My kids do not remember their life before us. Honestly I do not want them too. I also don’t want to take K in and tell her she can see them and then not let her. I know it is important to her. I however do not want the other kids to see them and I do not want her telling them a bunch of things from the past. They are well adjusted and at this point happy with the way things are. I do not keep things from them, but only tell them age appropriate answers to why they were removed and are now adopted. I have a feeling if K is to come here she will be telling them things from the past that are not necessarily true. I know if I call (and I am going to) they will call us first to take her. I just do not know it this is the best place for her. I would never let he be placed back in foster care. However, I just want to protect my babies from hurtful memories they really do not need to re-live. I know I owe it to K to get her out of there. I know siblings should be together. I just don’t know if too much time has passed or if I am just scared.

Please give me some advice and opinions. My DH is no help. He is so angry he wants to just go over there and get her NOW. My daughter already knows since K told her (that is how I found out). She wants to "just go get her and move to Texas". I am the only one struggling with a situation you would think would be a no brainer.

I hope all of this makes sense. If you finished reading this far Thanks!

lovemylife · 04-02-2007, 03:08 AM

Lacy

This is a tough situation. You have made the right choice to call children's services to report K's situation. Depending on what K has been going through recently, she will probably need:

~full medical check up
~ counselling/therapy (individual and family)
~to be enrolled in school, or held back to repeat this year's grade

This is going to be challenging, but you sound like you successfully dealt with adoption/neglect etc issues affecting your children and can probably do the same with K.

You didn't say whether K was in foster care of adopted by this family, and if it's a disrupted adoption then she may need additional therapy. That being said, she is definitely reaching out for help by disclosing her situation to you through your daughter/her sister.

Can you take temporary custody of her until you are sure this placement will work? When possible, siblings should be placed together, and if your family can make this work, then maybe you should consider it?

( We are in the proces of adopting through children's services, and I was adopted as an newborn.)

Miss-Meme · 04-02-2007, 10:21 AM

I think you're over thinking this.

If you call, you know that they will take her out of that house and if you don't take her in they will put her in foster care. And I know, you know how hard it is to place older children in adoptive homes.

As old as she is, I would think you could in some way let her know that it's okay to talk about her past life, to a counseler or to you but not to her siblings.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

samstars · 04-07-2007, 01:02 PM

First, Has anything happened? Did you call Family services? With the way the situation sounds all of the children may be taken out of the home.

Now, as the Mom of a 12 year old that we adopted officially in September I can tell you it is going to be very, very hard. You said she has been taken out of school to care for the other children and the household chores. With that responsibility she may be older, way older than her 13 years. My son came with and still has some very adult concerns/actions. Yet at times he acts like a 3 yr old. He is in counseling which is sooooo important. He is actually set up with 2 therapist now plus we are looking into other programs etc to help him deal with what he was put through. Older children are alot of work but so are children of all ages. We can be going head to head over something he has done but yet when he goes to bed hugs and kisses no matter how mad he has been. He has anger issues/abandonment issues. He is very smart but doesn't like the good attention he gets from getting A's and B's but more comfortable with displeasure at F's.

She will need alot alot alot of time, attention, love, hugs and reassurance. I don't know that you will be able to keep her from telling her siblings about life before, my son talks about his family all the time. And his bio Aunt & Uncle where the ones who treated him worse than his bio father. When he is in trouble here he throw them up to us like they were so much nicer and loved him so much more than we do. These people who dropped him off at the neighbors and moved out of state without saying GoodBye.

No matter whether you have a child from birth or get them when they are 13 years old you don't know how they are going to be when they are adults. You try your best, give them as much love as possible. Show them and teach them to be the most sucessful adult they can be. I tell my son all the time, if he wants to be a ditch digger, garbage truck driver or a lawyer, doctor be the most sucessful at loving your family, giving them the time and attention they need and do your best at your job, but don't ever let your job come before God, family and friends.

We teach life lessons at my house. He knows how to wash dishes by hand. Run a load of laundry. Fix a microwave meal. But he isn't responsible for the household chores that is my job. But he is learning to be independent and take care of his family if the need arises.

Sorry guess I went on and on. If you need an ear PM me. My experience with little ones is very limited but my 12 year old has taught me alot about pre teens.

Stacy

Micmoore · 04-27-2007, 03:47 PM

Thanks for the advice ladies… I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update. Things have been crazy around here.

I did call DJFS about the situation with K. At this point they have done NOTHING! I am really appalled at how the situation has been handled thus far. They will not take a referral about her missing school unless the school calls. I called the school and I am sure they gave me more information than they should have, but they told me K has missed 108 days of school. I gave them the family’s new address and they are starting the court process. There have been a few more things that have come out and I truly feel that K will be removed from this home.

My DH and I decided to take her when this happens. There will be a lot of issues to deal with, but we feel we can help her. I came to the conclusion that she is only 13 there is still a lot of potential for her to change her life for the better. I will let you know when we get her. I hope it is soon.

Stacy- I may need a lot of advice from you in the early stages of this journey. Thank you so much for the offer.

Lacy

Miss-Meme · 04-27-2007, 05:42 PM

I'm sorry that they have done nothing yet. Did the school say if they were going to call?