Four years ago I was a 19 year old carefree, beautiful young woman. I met my DH and we became best friends...with benefits. We were not dating at the time I became pregnant. He did not want the baby and between he and my mother, I decided to have an abortion. God, I have trouble evn typing that word. It was the most awful experience of my life. It's not what I wanted. I wanted my baby. But I loved Mike and I wanted him to stay with me, which he did. Months later he said he loved me and we have been married for a year. He also regrets the decision.
Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed PCOS. Now that I have learned more about PCOS, I cry more and more about the pregnancy I had and the baby I gave up. Worse, the baby I killed. My husband tries to ease my pain by saying I might have miscarried anyway, but nobody knows that.
Lately, I cry and cry. I feel as if I am being punished for my actions. I would call it a mistake, but it was so much more than that. If I had just stood up for myself! I know there are many women here TTCing who will think badly of me but I had to get this off my chest.
I think I've rambled enough. What it boils down to is that I am a terrible person and now that I want children and DH wants children, I don't feel as if I deserve them.
I'm sorry if this didn't make sense. Like many of the posts here, I am crying as I type.
__________________ Heather 28
DH: Mike 30
DD: Hailey Susan
DX January 2002 through lap
Furbaby: Toby, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
+HPT 4/7/04
Hailey Susan born December 12, 2004
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+HPT 10/10/06
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You are NOT a terrible person!!!!!!! i'm so sorry that you feel that you are, and can not forgive yourself. i know it hurts, but you are not being punished. it was a bad choice on everyones part. i wish i could make your pain go away. when i get really depressed- and i do ALOT- i try to think of my bad choices as learning experiences, of which i have a lot of, believe me! as a teen parent of three learning experiences, i could have made the same choice easilly. so much pressure to do so from all of the family. now, i live with making bad parenting desisions (BAD ones!), and i live with guilt, as you do. now, one of my boys is dead- 5 years now- and i mourn the times i could have spent being a better parent.
i know my story isnt helping you at all, but i wanted to show you that there will always be guilt in any GOOD persons life, so we must be good, for all the guilt we have! make any sence? hope so.
this was a poor attempt to make you feel better. i'm sorry. i'm going to hit submit anyways, even if its way off base, just cause i want you to know- i tried.
Honey please dont think that you are being punished for the choices you have made.
I was in quite a similar situation to you, please feel free to PM if you want to talk. And do NOT beat yourself up over this cos you are a good person.
love lorns
xxxxxxx
__________________ Married to the love of my life To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
TTC 1
M/C 07/00 10/01 06/05 -my angels-
thin cyster
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease July 03
PCOS dx Jan 02
Endometriosis dx Feb 04
Dx wth Stage 1 Endometrial cancer Jan 07. Cancer free Nov 07. :cheer
Lost our much longed for Ben at 11 weeks Sept 07
Pregnant again! EDD 08/08/08 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
i amso sorry..i have been in a similar situation too.... and you arent a bad person..you were young..and when you get pg again... you will be an amazing mother!!!!! i dont believe in a god that punishes that way....perhaps you can talk to a counselor..bc i have regarding my past abortion and it has helped greatly...
if you feel regret... then say you are sorry to your creator..and he will forgive.....
there is a great book out there called..the healing choice..i hope it helps xox jenn
__________________ jennifer, 33years old
long island, new york
dxd 2001
searching for new therapies/meds for pcos
met/gluc not working as well..but on 1000mgxr
married on 9/28/06 to keith
Thank you all for your kind responses. I go through cycles of this. I won't think of it for awhile and then it will suddenly consume me. I do believe in God and I do see God as forgiving, but I can't seem to feel like I have been forgiven even though I have prayed for it. Probably because I haven't been able to forgive myself. Hopefully, someday, when I have children, I will be able to forgve myself.
__________________ Heather 28
DH: Mike 30
DD: Hailey Susan
DX January 2002 through lap
Furbaby: Toby, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
+HPT 4/7/04
Hailey Susan born December 12, 2004
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+HPT 10/10/06
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Heather,
I know you must feel terrible, sometimes we have to make decisions based on the time in your life. I became pg unexpectedly with my now almost 4 year old, and actually had made an appt for an abortion but never went through with it. It could have gone either way and I am grateful for the decision I made. My point being dont think you are being punished, I didnt go through with it and I have pcos too. I wish you the best of luck.
__________________
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I don't know what to title this. 
