I don't know where else to turn

Sarah2 · 09-28-2002, 01:45 AM

I don't know why I came here to rant but I guess I have had luck before and was hoping maybe I would have luck again. Why should complete strangers care what I have to say? I can't take life anymore it is simply ****ty!. I am sooooo sad right now and I feel more angry with myself about being sad then anything... I want to be over tim my ex who I just heard tonight has his 3rd new girlfriend since we broke up. I have had noone I am the oinly one. I want to have someone in my life like he always does in his... and everyone else does in theirs. I am a loser and I don't need friends.. I just bother everyone w my bull**** . I don't need friends that ignore me when they have boyfriends or that dont care or want to hear if I am upset. I think that is bull****. I don't need to go out just to be upset and I am always upset. I HATE TIM he could give a **** about me. I was a joke to him our relationship was a joke to him I walk around like it meant something or it was for real HA HA! Joke is on me bec he doesnt even think about it or me EVER! I am the only loser stuck in the past I am the only one who cares and I am the only one who can't get over it. I can't get a date **** I can't even get a guy to call me.. I am sick of it... SICK OF IT! I can't take it tim was the biggest mistake in my life a 4 yr mistake... I want him to disappear I dont want to hear anymore about him or his fabulous life. I hate to think that every weekend that I sit here and cry all alone while everyone is with their boyfriend that he is also with his girlfriend... I NEVER MATTERED. I never do. I am nauseous I have been crying for a while I am more frustrated then anything. I hate me... I REALLY DO and it seems like everyone hates me as well. I have everyone telling me I shouldnt give a ****...duh I know that I just cant help it...... WHEN IS IT MY TIME TO BE HAPPY??????????????????????? WHY IS IT SOO HARD??????/ WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE ???????? Why should tim get girl after girl... was I really such a sucker did I really mean nothing just another girl to ****... thats how I feel... I am never good enuf to be anyones girlfriend just good head and a good ****...... people want to marry everyone else and want to **** me

I am so miserable nothing is going to make me feel better I am staying away from everyone I don't want to annoy anyone or bring anyone down I can't take this **** anymore I will be alone to deal with it.. I am always alone anyway and this seems to be the pattern so I might as well get used to it. I am giving up i can't pretend anymore... I will be a hermit and never ever leave my house thats fine with me. I just feel like its all a lie. why wont this feeling go away. I am going to see a shrink and maybe they can figure out why I am a loser who nobody likes and boys just use. I want to disappear I want to find 1 person who understands and doesnt get annoyed by me. I want to find 1 person who is single so i don't feel completley alone and isolated. I will never ever be over tim and I dont care what anyone says... I keep picturing him and her whichever this her is. I am so sad I can't even begin to explain it in words and there is nothing that can be done about any of it. If I disappear for a while maybe it will get a little better I dont know. The only person who ever loved me and accepted me was my dad and guess what he isnt here either. I am alone my mom sucks and I am too annoying for anyone else. Guys hate me and I guess deep down I don't blame them. I don't even know what happy feels like anymore. Or what its like to like or even love someone.I dont know what its like to be treated the right way or get giddy over someone. I give up they all **** me over and use me and that includes most of my girlfriends too.. I feel so alone and I guess I really am so instead of feeling alone and pretending I don't I might as well just suck it up and be alone and feel alone. I am sorry this is so long thanks for listening or reading should I say.

abudner · 09-28-2002, 04:07 AM

Dear Sarah,
First of all, I DO CARE. I know I'm a total stranger, but I wouldn't be spending my time writing you back if I didn't care. I know how you feel. I've had my share of what I call "lemon drops" or losers in my day. Take it from me, you will not find mr. perfect, but some day (very soon), you will find mr. right---someone perfect for you & deserving of your love & wonderful qualities. Tim sounds like a real jerk. he's not happy either---if he keeps bouncing around from girl to girl, then he's not happy. they probably don't want him. you deserve better. you need to start treating yourself as though you are a wonderful gift to the world. treat your body, mind & soul to happiness. Happiness is not with us every day---we experience happy moments or times with people that make us happy. you should sit down tonight & make a list of all the things or people that make you happy. start acting on your list asap. it sounds like you are in a serious crisis mode & need help from a loving family member, friend or professional. i can read between your words & sense that you feel you are trapped in a miserable life & there's "no way out." STOP now before you do something serious like hurting yourself. I felt the same way about ten years ago when I was in a relationship with a cheater, having problems with my parents & just lost my favorite cousin to brain cancer. I felt that there was no "light at the end of the tunnel" so I tried to take my own life by downing 250+ aspirin. it was the stupidest, most selfish & horrible thing I could do to myself and others. they had to pump my stomach, which is horrible. they stick a long, hard plastic tube down your throat (as long as a garden hose) and they pump out all the toxins, then pump back in some black charcoal stuff that makes you throw up. you're sick & weak for days. I felt emotionally and physically drained. I just thank God every single day that I didn't succeed at killing myself & a friend called during the act & talked me through it all. PLEASE do not do anything you'll regret later. there are ways out & people who can help. My life has changed for the better. I found a man who loves me for me, despite my weight gain, PCOS, infertility and other health problems. I'm pursuing a career in education. I have a wonderful family & friends, plus four great pets. Since my suicide attempt, I've travelled, ate good food, seen beautiful sunsets, gone to concerts & plays, made love, got drunk, made new friends, renewed ties with old friends, helped others in need, learned, read, watched great movies and experienced beauty in every day things. you need to know that the sun will shine again in your life if you open up your heart & mind. you need to stop thinking about Tim and what he's doing & start thinking about #1- YOU. Do all the things that make you happy until you're so happy you no longer think about Tim or the negatives in your life. You said your dad is no longer there---think about what he'd want you to do & how happy he wants you to be. you can find that happiness & you will. i will pray for you & will be here if you ever need to talk or need a friend. i wish you the best of health, happiness, luck & love in your very near future. god bless you.

Sarah2 · 09-28-2002, 05:37 AM

I do appreciate the replies thank you so much. It's ironic how my "Friends" seem bothered by me.. not all but most. I do try to find the positive but sometime it seems the negative just weighs me down so much. I was glad to hear that PCOS might be the reason behind my depression. According to my doctor since I am not overweight I have a mild case.. HA! My symptoms are in full effect. I know I need to have a better outlook but sometimes I really can't. I am going to get help I have no health insurance but found a low cost remedy. I know my dad who was wonderful would want me to be happy but I just find it impossible sometimes. I feel there isn't anything for me. I feel like I am a mess and I am the only one who feels this way everyone is so optimistic and then there is me.. I have nothing going on in my life and I don't know if I ever will be happy I have tried and failed so many times. I am 24 and so lonely and scared this is how it is going to be. Everyone says it will get better and I will be happy and find someone but c'mon what are they going to say? I don't believe it anymore I feel like if I am alone at least I am justified to feel this way.. thanks so much again for reading and responding it means A LOT to me!

Lendi · 09-28-2002, 12:44 PM

Oh, Sarah sweetie, you're not alone. I know it seems that way sometimes, though. I'm so glad you are seeking professional help. We don't want to lose you in that endless tunnell called depression. It can be better. You are worthwhile, and you have to learn to like yourself. Get some paper and list all of the good things about yourself. Be honest. I bet there are lots and lots. I can already say that I know you are intelligent, caring and special just by reading your post. Take care of yourself and keep us posted. Hugs, Lendi

KlassicalKat · 09-28-2002, 03:43 PM

Dear Sarah,

I agree with the advice of the others. I just wanted to say that YOU are not the loser, your ex-boyfriend is. Don't be too hard on yourself for falling for his charms. This happened to me over and over when I was in college. There are men out there who are master manipulators. Even though I was intelligent, an honor student and had a lot of common sense in other areas, I would fall prey to these guys time and time again. They are cunning and know just how to mainipulate you in giving them what THEY want and then they move on. Judging from what you have told me about Tim's multiple girlfriends, you are not the only one that this has happened to. What a trail of shattered hopes and dreams this man has left in his wake. It is a cruel and selfish thing for him to do over and over. Please don't be too hard on yourself. HE is the one committing the sin here.

At the same time, I know it is hard, because you obviously cared so much about this person. But please remember that the wonderful gift of your sincere caring was given to someone who did not appreciate or deserve it, but it is not your fault. You deserve to give your sweet caring to a man who will truly appreciate you...caring more about you than his shallow desires.

So how can you tell that you have found a good man in this crazy world? I work in a library and even though I am married, I recently came across a book that came out in 1995 that I wished I had read when I was dating. It is:

THE RULES by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

If you can check out or buy this book, it is worth reading. At first some of the concepts seem antiquated. Some of the concepts at first seem rather restricting, but then you realize that it is all about treating yourself and your body with respect and making sure that men will do likewise. There are some very clear guidelines as to warning signs to watch out for in dating guys. I think that if I had had this book to read while I was dating, I would have been better able to discern who is a quality man that would treat me and our relationship with respect.

Just a suggestion.
Please know that the cysters here do care for you and wish you all the very best!

Kathryn

PaulaMc · 09-28-2002, 05:31 PM

Oh, Sarah. I understand! My first serious boyfriend used me and abused me -- 6 1/2 years. We went out for 1 1/2 years. The other 5 were spent having him play me against his new girlfriend (my once best friend). After I finally had the courage to stop being around him, I went through the depression as well. I thought about him all the time. I'd wonder was wrong with ME. I must be a horrible person. Nobody could ever love me!

YOU are a WONDERFUL PERSON!!!!! Your ex is the one that is going to regret ever letting someone as precious as you go! One of these days someone else will see your beauty, strength, determination and realize that he just can't live without you in his life.

It does happen! I was close to suicide. If I had continued down the road of the life I was leading, I assure you that I wouldn't be here today typing a reply. I met a wonderful man that is now my husband. He doesn't care what I look like, doesn't care about the weight or infertility. He loves ME as a person. YOU WILL find someone!! You must never give up faith or hope!!!!!

ecaryn · 09-29-2002, 09:51 PM

Hi Sarah,

I thought for a while about what I SHOULD say, what would be appropriate, what would cheer YOU up. But in the end I thought it would be best to post what I really think and feel. I understand COMPLETELY how you feel. I dont see this life as a gift as I feel Im supposed too, I see it as a punishment. For what, I am not sure. I too live with and battle depression and negativity every day. As a matter of fact, being called negative is one of the most hurtful things I have been called. People dont seem to realize that I might have a reason to be negative, they just assume that my "negative" attitude is what is responsible for anything bad that happens to me. In other words, its my fault, I bring it on myself. And that naive, simplistic "attitude" is hurtful to me.

I can relate to your Tim delimma, as well. I am still stuck on my ex also. But I think that relationship cost me alot more. I made a mistake, I ended up pregnant by him. I have a 3 year old I am raising alone now. And that IS my fault. I dont know what happened though, its almost like God played a cruel joke on me. We were friends first, best of, had tons in common and really "clicked", we had similar goals and he was a GOOD person, genuinely. It was not my intention or even a concious decision to get pregnant, as a matter of fact, I never wanted children, ever.
I had had other boyfriends and the thought of being intimate with any of them without a condom (sometimes TWO!) was repulsive to me. It started out the same way with Ron, but eventually I was in love, ewww, and wanted to be closer with him. So during a safer time of the month we stopped using condoms and then that just went on for a little too long. End result is my son, Jett. Anyway, during the time I was pregnant we lost contact and I guess he went through some kind of depression and started taking drugs and screwing around. Eventually we got back together and it was the second worst mistake of my life. The drugs transformed him, he was an abusive, theiving, lying, cheating, irresponsible loser. I stopped allowing him in my home. Hes been an addict now for about 2 1/2 years. Its heartbreaking because I remember and still love who he used to be. Its been 2 years now and I havent seen him face to face in that time. He has married somewhat unfortunate willing to except him as he is now. I have been alone for that time and havent been with anyone else since the day I met him more than 4 years ago. I miss him as much as I resent him. Enough of that.

I have the more unattractive symptoms of PCOS, acne, weight gain, hairiness, etc. so it is hard to have self confidence. I know I have value as a person, as ideas, in character, but as a BODY I am worthless and unfortunately in this society body and appearance often has more value than anything else you may possess. I am living on the poverty line (not welfare though), working at a job that has no satisfaction for me. I'm a single mom who struggles daily to buy food, clothes, pay bills, keep my car running- which isnt now- and I dont see how I can change any of it. I gained alot of wieght during my pregnancy because I was very sick and on bed rest. I have been able to lose very little of it and it depresses me, so much that I, like you, have basically isolated myself. I no longer have friends, just a cousin I talk with occasionally. I am too ashamed of what I have become.

Life is depressing for me. I think I have been dealt more than my fair share of suckiness. I am not at all suicidal, I do not want to kill myself, and will never do it, so even though I hate my existence, living itself is kind of self inflicted. Although, perhaps after my son is an adult, I may stop wearing my seat belt.

Ha! Bad joke, I know.

Anyhow, enough of the *****ing and whining, my pity party buckets are full. I just wanted to try and express to you that you are not alone, there ARE people who have a hard time going on with life, that it is often easier for other (most?) people, and that sometimes you are given a ****ty hand and you just have to play it as best you can. Eventually the game will be over.

P.S. I apologize to you and anyone who thinks I shouldnt be so NEGATIVE in what I am replying to you. For the record and a little encouragement - Things arent always bad 100% of the time and things can and usually do improve to some degree. I hope it improves for you. I am also thinking about seeking prescription help, although I dont think I necessarily have a chemical imbalance, I think my LIFE is unbalanced. But anything that would make it more bearable could be a good thing. I would like to be falsely happy or at least chemically delirious.

SORRY FOR THE EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG POST.

taah · 09-30-2002, 05:07 AM

I just wanted to say I am sorry you are having to go through this rough time... I think talking to a counsler would help... you seem to have alot of self esteem issues that are causing alot of your problems... you need to work on that first and foremost before you will be able to move on in your life and realize that you deserve to be happy. I have went through alot of what you described and felt the same things... I also didn't think I deserved happiness and felt that for some reason I would always be miserable... I have attempted suicide before, anything was better than having to deal with life.... wow was I wrong.... there is always a way out... you just have to find it... and suicide will never be the answer to that.

I now have a wonderful loving DH who has helped me alot, also a therapist that has helped me work through self esteem issues and issues from my past... I am not going to lie and say its easy, its not... its damn hard and painful but in the end its worth it....

I wish you the best......please start thinking of yourself better...

TERRA

TxLady · 09-30-2002, 01:05 PM

Sarah - I am not very good at giving advice, so all I know to say is this:

many of us have been as low as you feel right now - we do feel your pain and your fear/loneliness. But to beat these feelings, you have to learn to love yourself. You are a good person, Sarah - you have to believe that.

we love you - we are your friends. nothing you can say or do can stray our friendship. Believe that.

Sarah - from personal experience, I can tell you - once you learn to accept yourself and love yourself, the person that you truly are, you will find love from others too.

Hang in there - we are always here for you. (((((((hugs))))))))

Sarah2 · 09-30-2002, 02:49 PM

I wanted to say how nice it is to see your support and to read your words of encouragement. I just made an appointment to see someone and I hope that will work out. I understand that there is supposedly some light at the end of this long long tunnel but I have yet to find it. My dad who was my everything passed away 3 1/2 years ago and even though I have had guys issues before since then it has become worse. I know I need to discuss this with a professional and I hope some sense can be made and everything will be ok. I find it hard being the only one of my friends who is single all the time. I have no allies in this. I don't like the fact that sometimes it seems that people like me to be unhappy. I know this may sound weird and I know that logically I should be over tim and ok but logic unfortunately doesn't rule the heart. I appreciate all the words you have written and just hope that things get better. I am not considering suicide even though sometimes it seems like the better option. I could never hurt my mom that way. I just am sick of always being sad and always being lonely and left out. I just want to feel like I fit in. I just want to be as non chalant about everything just like everyone else seems to be. I hope the appointment will help. I have done therapy before but to no avail. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Sarah2 · 10-06-2002, 09:36 PM

Maybe it's pms and maybe its because it's so in my face but I feel lonlier then ever and I can't take it much more. I don't even want to talk to my friends because they are so happy and have all these wonderful boyfriends and I have nothing. I KNOW I am being a bad selfish friend but I don't care. I want to be left alone with my misery which NEVER SEEMS TO GET ANY BETTER!!!! I don't understand what I lack that others seem to have that they all have soo many friends and boyfriends. I am a mess and I can't take this. There is no way to make it stop. If I want to lose weight I can if I want a new job I can get one but the one thing I want the most a boyfriend a companion a ****ing date I cant get................. GRRRRRRR! Some one help please! I sit here alone all the time it sucks I am 24 I am pretty I have a nice body I cover all my symptons of this stupid disease up pretty well so why what the hell is so wrong with me?

PaulaMc · 10-08-2002, 09:30 AM

I don't know how much this will help -- you have to stop wanting it so much.
I went through the same thing -- why can't I find someone...am I that bad?...etc. A friend of mine told me that once I stop looking, I will find someone. It took a while, but I came to the conclusion one day that I was going to be alone. I had to be comfortable with myself first. It wasn't too long after that, that I found my dh.

It took me a while, thought, to say f-it -- I don't need a man in my life, I have a wonderful family and friends.

Talk to your friends about how you feel! Or talk to a counselor. Just talk to someone! Please!

healea · 10-08-2002, 04:54 PM

***hugs*** to you sarah

When I was a teen, I was very sad,and felt like life wasnt worth living. At the age of 10, I attempted an overdose, which landed me 4 days in the hospital, with the abusive mother by my side the whole time, not knowign she was the reason I tried to leave this earth.
(put in foster homes from 12 on,thank god)
as a teen, I destructed my life with self mutilation,drugs,drinking,having sex with who ever would do me, just so i could feel worthy ...

as of this past April, I left my ass****,emotionally abusive,jobless bum of a husband,after suffering with him for 6 yrs...
its been 6 months,and im single,whether or not he is,is beyond me.
I dont see him,or talk to him...

men and women deal with breakups differently...(mostly)
men tend to run out and find the first girl who will make him feel like a man,
women tend to allow more time to grieve...
the fact that he has had 3 g/fs since you split up,doesnt show your the loser,it shows it wasnt just you that he couldnt handle a relationshiop with..
right after the split up, I wanted to see if i could talk to him,i missed him..so i called him..he never called back...I tried going over there,he didnt answer the door...
my dear friend, who had to leave an abusive relationship,told me,if i just can stay away from him, it will get better...
I will testify to say, its true...
I miss him, yes,but i miss having someone here, if my car needs work,or if i need to move something heavy...or the good times..
but, now,im living every day alone with my dog and cat,in my own home,and im doing better financially,and emotionally than i did with him...

life gets different,not soo much better.. its just a matter of sticking thru the bad, to get to the good..
life sometimes brings us hail,its up to us to open the umbrella..

believer · 10-08-2002, 06:46 PM

Hey there girl,
Where to start? Please believe me when I say I know exactly what you are going through. You remind me of myself when I was younger. I am now 30 (so old). I know what it's like to sit there and torture yourself with all of the things HE may be doing with other girls and I even think it's harder when they are with just one girl regularly. Your friends don't seem to understand or they have great guys already. Your not happy going out or staying alone. You really don't know what to do with yourself at all and you feel like there is no relief from this ever - or you will always love this person and never love another like this man. I've felt it all and it hurts like hell. I was with someone who I thought I would never get over. I even married him and he did everything he could to betray me. I hated hearing about his new girlfriends because I would obsess on "what they are doing together" and "are they having sex" and "how could he do this". It feels like there is no way out when you are in the middle of this I KNOW- But guess what? There is. I don't know what helped me the most. TIME and I just started telling myself there is nothing I can do. If he's with someone what can I do? Nothing! It helped because when you are heartbroken you always feel like there is something you can do to change things and theres not. Give yourself time and it doesn't matter how long. Don't tell yourself you should be over it by now and don't let anyone else tell you that. DON'T OBSESS! It's hard I know but just let it go as much as you can. It's out of your hands now and tell yourself he's not the man you thought he was. You need better and want better and most of all you DESERVE better. I was single for 5 years after I got divorced and let me tell you I had a blast. At first it was horrible but then I started doing things for myself and got to know my family better ( my dad died when I was 19 in the middle of my relationship). Give yourself time before you start the dating thing again and I know you don't want to hear this but you will love again. I met someone when I was least expecting it and he turned my world around. I have never been treated so good and I have NEVER LOVED ANYONE LIKE I LOVE THIS MAN that I am with now. I never thought it would happen but it did and I have a wonderful life and I just got married in August of this year. I know my life would of sucked with my ex. I don't know how you feel about God but he was the one I leaned on during this time and even though I was hurting I knew he was there. There is someone out there for you when the time is right and your heart will be open to that person when the time comes. I haven't even thought of my ex for years and I thank God we are NOT together because I would never of met the one I was meant to be with had we stayed together. Take care and I mean that. Sorry this is sooooooo long.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

marquis784 · 10-08-2002, 07:16 PM

You mentioned that you had an appt with a therapist? How did it go? Have you scheduled more appts? Please don't continue to suffer like this. A relationship with a good therapist can really help as well as maybe medication. I once felt miserable and unhappy and believe me it was a long road to feeling better. Little did I know that PCOS contributed to my emotional roller coaster. Regardless of the cause you must treat your symptoms of depression. I know alot of the advice might sound like it came from a book but from my own experience it is really true! Before anyone can truly look at you and love you completely, you must first be able to look at yourself and think, "I am a wonderful, loving, beautiful person worthy and deserving of receiving love." It really does begin with self love. There are alot of therapists who will see people based on a "sliding scale" of what you can afford if you have no insurance. Alot of schools and employers have counselors or access to them as well either free or at reasonable costs. It will will the hardest but best thing you'll ever do to help yourself get out of this depression.

Good luck and God bless you!
K~