I don't think I will ever be at peace (rant)

wombat woman · 11-20-2004, 01:41 AM

Is it a conscious choice you make to be at peace with a bad situation that you have no control over??

I always thought one had to choose to accept and therefore deal with the bad stuff, but right now I'm in real turmoil. I can't ever see myself being at peace with the fact that I have no child of my own to watch grow and be proud of and love like nothing else on this earth.

I know that my 2nd m/c is now inevitable and the emotional crash (which I didn't expect because I knew I was in trouble from the start) has just hit me. I don't want pity, I hate the attention but I know you all know and understand so well the place that i am at right now. I can't even visualize a future for me that includes a child of any kind.

Time is fast running out for us. I know sometimes **** happens, I know God has a plan for all of us and I never thought I would ever stoop so low as to ask "why me?" because wtf not me? But this really is some kind of cruel joke. My mother is one of nine children, my father was one of four. I myself am one of seven and each and every one of my brothers and sisters have children, some still working on expanding their families. For **** sake I have a nephew and a neice each with children. The very neice that asked me when her uncle and I were going to have a baby 15 years ago when she was 10 years old. I always said that she would have one before me...sad but true.

I hate this stupid bloody fertility treadmill. I hate that my body fails me in so many ways and I hate the fact that if by some miracle it happens for us and we do conceive and begin a healthy
pregnancy, all I will do is worry and expect the worst. It's the only way I will be able to protect myself from the vunerablility and hurt.

Sorry to be such a downer, maybe I should have posted on the rant forum. Mods feel free to move me there if you wish. I feel better now that it's off my chest, I'm more the kind of person to bottle it all up until I explode. I wish you all every happiness, courage and strength to endure.

God bless you all,

Karen

Mich831 · 11-20-2004, 02:10 AM

Karen,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that pain that you are feeling.
It's the worst feeling in the world. I tried for 13yrs on and off to try and have a baby. In between I got divorced and remarried a wonderful man. Although we were happy I had a very large void in my life. I ALWAYS wondered if I would ever have a child of my own. My DH always believed we would. Even though I could never feel it. It was horrible.
We begged and barrowed money from our family and went through IVF. It was emotionally and physically hard. I got PG on our first fresh cycle. Sadly we MC'd at 7w3d after seeing a faint HB. It was Dec 02 and my DC was 12/20/02 5 days before Christmas. The holiday that my DH and I LOVE so much. It was a pain like no other.
Three months later we did a Frozen Embie transfer. We had 5 blasts on ice. I got PG again and my betas weren't as they should be so once again we thought we were MCing. I thought how could this be...and I questioned why? But to our suprise everything progressed right along. The whole 9 months was a picture perfect PG. Even though every single moment we were numb with fear that something at any moment would go wrong. After all how could something so wonderful happen for us.
But 1 yr and 3 days after my D&C I gave birth to our beautiful perfect son. We have truly been blessed.

I hope my story doesn't make you feel worse. I just wanted you to know that I've felt and been where you are. I too have neices and nephews almost as old as myself. My neice got married a few months before my first PG and I thought for sure she was going to have a baby before us. My brother's daughter did have a baby before me. It was just horrible to see her have a baby and not us. Even my brother and his wife (47yrs old and 42 yrs old) had their 5th child a year before we had our baby. Their baby was an OOPS! And oops why couldn't we have an oops baby. It was all so unfair. There's no hurt like that.
So I just wanted to say I have walked in your shoes. I know where you're coming from.
I would just like to suggest for you to hold on to the hope that you WILL have a baby one day soon.

Have you had any testing done yet as to why you MC?

If you ever need an ear I am here to listen.

Michele

SheriKCMO · 11-20-2004, 11:03 AM

Karen,
We all know this rant. This is where it belongs. I don't think you are quickly running out of time at all, because you've only had a handfull of months with your current course of treatments. Try to give yourself a break about that part. The frustrating part is just frustrating.

Now that you've had an emotional blowup after bottling it for a while, this might be a great time to have a massage or some other bodywork done that will try and keep you chilled out for a bit, and you might let your emotions flow and be processed in good time. You've been through terrible heartbreaks, and you deserve to feel better when you are able to. It just takes time. I wish I could help, but I can't do the work of grief for anyone else. It is a lonely job. Coupled with fertility issues, it is very difficult.

We're here if you need to talk, anytime,
Sheri

kwannabee · 11-20-2004, 11:39 AM

Hi Karen...some people here may or may not know my story...but i just wanted to say to you that your 'rant' if you want to call it that..is so typical and so heartwrenching it brings back so many memories...

You have to let it out...and tell yourself its okay and necessary to vent when you need to...because eventually it will help 'recharge' your batteries...and that will happen...eventually.

Time heals...its the only thing that helps you move forward...but it doesnt happen over night...and i think thats the hardest part...in this impatient world or ours.

When i lost my girls i thought my life was over...i was a shell of a person...sitting in my pjs on the couch in an emotional coma...no tears left...no hope...just dead inside.

But you move on...everyday you remember and wish and hope for things that should have turned out differently...it wasnt a conscience decision for me in the sense that i decided i wasnt going to grieve anymore...but i remember changing the way i spoke about them...it wasnt 'i lost my girls' anymore...but 'i had my girls...just a little bit' That took time...but it helped eventually.

Now i'm hoping that i've been blessed again...and we'll all be waitng for the day you are too...in time.

Take care for now...and lean on those who have been there...it seems Sheri and I follow each other around these boards...eh Sheri?? I guess its cuz we were there with eachother when things were really bad...as well as many other cysters...so hang in there...hugs to you.

AvivaElona · 11-20-2004, 08:40 PM

I think despite our different circumstances we've all been where you are. I think this is the right place for a vent about this and you are right, it really hurts, and it sucks and is unfair. Its normal to be angry about that. Hugs.

Aviva

~Traci~ · 11-21-2004, 06:32 PM

Karen {{{{HUGS}}}}

I could have written your post word for word many times over (right now, in fact). I know how it is to think why me & why is everyone else around me getting pg... My DH used to tell me not to compare myself to others, he's now doing the same thing & says it's just not fair. It isn't fair that others can have multiple children yet some can't have one that they would really love & care for.

Your post is supposed to be here b/c it's about m/c & your loss, a piece of your heart.

Traci

wombat woman · 11-21-2004, 09:46 PM

Thank you so much for your comforting replies. No one understands my situation more than you guys and I appreciate your warm words of support.

Michelle - no, no testing yet. I will make an appointment for re-assessment with RE this arvo. Congrats on the birth of your son.

Sheri - you're right it is frustrating, and I do believe it's important to keep the faith, I just want to know that I will be alright if this doesn't happen for us. I want acceptance and peace.

kwannabee - I know your story, I have seen many of your posts and you and the other girls have inspired me. I hope to support and comfort those women who will unfortunatly post here in the future. When I'm feeling more mentally stable I will do just that.

AvivaElona - thanks for the understanding.

Traci - yes it sucks. I don't hate that everyone else is and has been pregnant. Every one of those children is a gift. I just want a fair go.

I am so sorry you all have had to grieve for your little ones. Thank you for making the world a better place with your warmth and support. You don't need to do it and yet here you are.

Best wishes,

Karen

SheriKCMO · 11-21-2004, 10:26 PM

Karen,
I'm glad you're back to see all of your replies. This post inspired a different tone of responses than usual, and we need that sometimes. We are all different, but most of us have the side of our personality that you showed.

As for helping others to cope by showing support, I actually do need to do these kinds of things. It helps me go forward and find myself getting past the worst days. Sometimes I need to hear sad stories so that I can work out some more of my grief. We are all in this together, in my opinion, and I really appreciate the support I have received and am happy to spread some around when I can.

Take your time. Things sort themselves out in our heads in a while. Nothing ever seems quite as clear as when we were naive to all of this though!
Best of luck,
Sheri