i don't wanna be in here

mschvsmnky · 11-22-2004, 11:05 PM

I don't want to be here. I don't want to post to this forum. I knew it could be me but somehow I never thought it would be. This isnt me, this isn't my life, this isn't my body, this isnt right. Theres been a terrible terrible mistake. I don't belong here. This isn't me.
I wasn't trying to get pregnant it just happened. I was so happy. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, I'm 27, it was a surprise but I was ready. i was happy. I was excited. i was f***ing ecstatic. The infertile girl was gonna have a baby.
My baby died. I got an ob/gyn who took me off met. didn't realize i was rh- and baby was rh+ until after I had a bleed and developed antibodies. I didn't even meet my dr until after I had miscarried. When they called me in for the emergency us to make sure the baby was ok I waited in the waiting room for 45 minutes while some plumber fixed the toilet. And then I went in to find out my baby had died, which I suspected during that whole 45 min excruciating wait.
now i feel dead inside. my dh doesn't understand, he had missed all the dr's appts due to work and had no attachment to the baby. Friday i went through the pain and blood by myself. It took 5 hours and I was on the floor with the pain. I called the dr after 3 hrs of awful horrible pain and they said oops, sorry you were further along than we thought, if you still have this pain for the next 3hrs call an ambulance. is that normal? 5 hrs of horrible horrible terrible pain that shoots through the body and brings you to your knees. So much blood you cant get off the toilet, they told me 1 supersize pad an hour, it was two supersize pads in 4 minutes and it was all over my pants, the car seat the floor, the bathroom mats, everywhere. is that seriously how its supposed to be? and now am I supposed to just go back to feeling "normal"? am I supposed to stop crying anytime soon?
I can't stand to be around dh because he doesn't get it. he doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I want to be alone. I started looking for apartments. what is wrong with me!?!?!?

wishingandhoping · 11-22-2004, 11:15 PM

Mschvsmnky...i'm so sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to be in here too. I know that there are no words that will bring you comfort right now but hopefully you can get some comfort by coming here and talking it out.

I was so naive when i had my m/c. I thought once I finally got pg that I was good to go. I didn't have a lot of pain with my m/c and my bleeding was off and on and first, alot of bleeding, but mostly at night. Sorry I can't help you there

I find that it does help me to talk about it some but it is definately easier on here than to talk to people I know.

Again, so sorry for your loss,

Dani

Amy_53405 · 11-22-2004, 11:41 PM

I am sooooooo sorry for you loss....I had one in August, but was only 4wks so it was a little different I guess. I don't have any real advice except to take it one day at a time. If you feel like screaming, do it, if you feel like having a good cry, go ahead. There is no time span for your sadness and you will have good days along w/the bad. I know it's hard, but try to stay as positive as you can. Not that this helps, but when it happened to me I tried to remember that it's a good thing I CAN get pregnant! Now it's just a matter of staying that way. Now that you know that you have a blood disorder, you can get on the correct meds before you conceive! Remember that we are here for you and if you keep bleeding like that, i'd stop in at the doctor's just to make sure all is ok.....

SheriKCMO · 11-22-2004, 11:58 PM

Ugh. That sounds so painful! I think you went through labor, girlfriend. There was a river of blood when I had my little tiny girl, so I can't imagine how much there will be at full term. I'm glad that part of it is over for you. It sucks that you had to go through any of this, and I agree that I hate being in this club. I wish I was still naive about every baby going to term and surviving. Next time for us...

With your husband, men deal with this very differently. Although he says otherwise, he is probably in a lot of pain, but they find it impossible to think about it and deal with it openly like we do. They usually want to "fix" the situation and are completely frustrated because they just can't do anything to fix this one. Give him some time to come around, but meanwhile, tell him what you need from him. If you need hugs and to be held, if you need to be able to talk and be listened to, whatever, tell him very specifically. If you really think this is opening a bad wound in your marriage, try to get in with a grief counsellor and ask for advice. A lot of hospitals can refer you.

Try to take good care of your health while you recover, okay? That's the one thing that you will need for sure with the next baby, should you decide to try again.
Thinking of you,
Sheri

thing1 · 11-23-2004, 12:18 AM

I also felt that miscarriages happened to other people-not me! I am so very very sorry for your loss. Husband's have such a different way of dealing with it. Mine has never talked about our 3 m/c's but I've learned to respect his silence. He's just not capable of such strong emotional feelings. He seems like he's detached at times, but I know he's not. I think guys just deal with stuff differently, it doesn't mean they don't care.

Guys also like to "solve" problems. When faced with one of our female struggles they often get frustrated b/c they can't fix it. They don't realize that we just want support.... so hang onto us here at SC, we will be there for you!

I have Rh factor too but have not developed antibodies. Did you get a Rhogam shot within 72 hours of your m/c??? Any Dr. who treats pg women should ask about Rh factor on the first visit. Any Dr. who treats a woman having a miscarriage who is known to be Rh- should have her Rhogam administered within 72 hours or she CAN develop antibodies. This sounds like malpractice to me, although I'm a little confused by the timeline in your post, so I'm not sure. Did they give you a Rhogam shot at all????

If you have developed antibodies, it may be very hard to ever maintain a pgcy again and if you do you will be considered very high risk. THere is no magic cure or corrective medicine. Not trying to frighten you, I'm just pointing out the seriousness of the DR.'s error. I would definitely follow up on what went wrong at your emergency visit.

Please feel free to post as much as you want. I read your post on the PG board and I was so excited for you, and then so sad to see you here. Things will get better, you will change as a person, but things will get better. Just hang in there honey....

Hugs,
Suze

thing1 · 11-23-2004, 12:21 AM

Sheri,

Can you believe we were posting the same thing about men at the same time? It's like word for word. I guess we have really learned our lessons, huh? Man that is scary!!!!!!

Suze

AvivaElona · 11-23-2004, 01:08 AM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that by yourself. No wonder you are pulling into yourself like that. I'm terribly sorry that you were treated that way by your doctor. I do think you might want to see a lawyer, and get some advice about following up on what happened. I also think you need to go see a new doctor as soon as possible to make sure that everything is ok. You need postpartum care.

I wish you weren't here either, I wish no one ever had to belong to this club. It just sucks that any of us are here. I don't know what your situation is like, but if at all possible I think you should try to find a good grief counselor. Along with morning the loss of your baby I'm concerned for you, because what you went through was a major trauma. Trauma like that has its own repurcussions besides the "normal" grief that miscarriage causes. In addition, if you can get your husband to go with you, he needs some information on how normal it is for you to be grieving this.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I remember when you posted how surprised you were, and how excited. I hope you can feel that again some day, in the meantime we are hear to listen when you need to talk.

Aviva

mschvsmnky · 11-23-2004, 01:10 AM

they didn't give me rogham at first because they didn't trust me when i said i was o-. they said that bleeding was normal inthe 1st trimester andi shouldn't worry about it. they did a blood test to figure out my type and when the results came in a week later they called me in for rhogam. I started asking if my baby was ok and they said yeah yeah no problem no problem. Finally i broke down in front of a nurse and she ordered an hcg test. it was done friday and then monday and i was called in on wednesday for an emergency us cuz the hcg levels went down. the baby was dead. she didn't come out until this past friday the 19th. i saw her. it was just awful but I'm sure everyone has the same story.

AvivaElona · 11-23-2004, 01:35 AM

Well everyone's story is a little different. No one has exactly the same story. And no one's grief is exactly the same. But we all do know how terrible a loss this is. Up at the top of the board here is a sticky with resources about miscarriage. When you are ready, look at some of them, and make DH look too. He needs to know what you are going through is normal.

So do you, this was a baby. It is ok to cry about her for as long as you need to. And even though she was small if you want to, you can give her a name and have a service for her. That's up to you.

Hang in there honey, it feels awful now, but it really will eventually be bearable. Just try to keep breathing right now, Ok?

Aviva

SheriKCMO · 11-23-2004, 01:39 AM

I'm so sorry about seeing your baby and everything you've been through. With my early m/c, I didn't see anything of course, but the delivery of my tiny daughter will be in my memory forever. Each of our experiences is a bit different, but they are equally valid and meaningful to our lives.

I agree that you might benefit from seeing an attorney. I'll leave it at that.
((Another Big Hug))
Sheri

SheriKCMO on Aol and Yahoo message thingies
email or pm me anytime

tndrmrcies · 11-23-2004, 05:08 PM

I'm so sorry for you loss. (((((((hugs))))))

Karla

kwannabee · 11-27-2004, 10:31 AM

Sometimes theres words to express the anger we feel at losing our baby...but you did it very well....i wish i could have done that at the time it might have helped....i'm soooo sorry!

We all can relate to you and how youre feeling...everyone has a different story but the same heartache...my heart goes out to you.

Take care and i hope you get the answers youre looking for......

hugs...

VivC · 11-29-2004, 03:47 AM

I wish you didn't have to be here, either. And you end your post, under the miscarriage date, "effing sucks." That sums this all up so perfectly.

Did the incompetent nimrods at the hospital give you any literature on grief after a miscarriage? If they didn't, check your local library, or call your hospital and see if they can send you some. It was a few weeks until I could read it, but it really helped me realize that what I was feeling was normal.

This board has helped me through the roughest moments since Rivi died. All of us are here for you.

mschvsmnky · 11-30-2004, 01:21 AM

In case anyone is wondering how I'm doing. I'm still miserable, i still cry at the drop of a hat. My sister in law is pregnant, isn't that wonderful? we spentt the day after thanksgiving shopping for baby things. I am just so angry at everyone and everything. My mother thinks I'm being melodramatic. I feel guilty and evil and angry and lonely. My husband and I are getting a divorce. All I can do is wake up in the morning and say "be strong be strong be strong be strong" and I say it all day long. Every second of the day until I get to lay in bed staring at the wall pretending to sleep. There isn't anything more. No they didn't discuss grief counseling, no they didn't offer me anything. I have a dr's appt next week and that's it. I've lost 18 lbs since the baby came out. that's alll.

AvivaElona · 11-30-2004, 03:16 PM

Honey I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Unless you and your husband were divorcing before this all happened anyway, I would try not to make such big decisions right now. Is there any way you and he can get grief counseling together?

If not, PLEASE try to go yourself, while a miscarriage is a terrible awful loss, it is one that it is possible to survive and even be happy again after. However, along with the grief of loss you also may be suffering from Post Partum hormone fluxes that can make dealing with it all impossible. Please tell your doctor that you are still so sad, and ask for a referral to a counselor. They can help you decide if you are just feeling normal grief, or if you have true PPD.

It is totally normal for you not to want to go baby gift shopping for your sister in law right now. Have you checked out any of the child loss or miscarriage boards on the web? Reading some of them might reassure you that you are not being melodramatic but that you do need some support, especially if your family is not going to provide it for you.

One that I like a lot is:

http://www.missfoundation.org/forums/

Hugs, of course we care how you are doing. Post updates as often as you want to talk.

Aviva