I don't want to go back to work...

Kate29 · 09-01-2009, 06:37 AM

I've been off since last wednesday, when I found out that my babies had died. I went on thursday and then realized I was an emotional wreck and stayed home. I had an appointment today, no excuse for not going tomorrow and appointments on wednesday and thursday for surgery. I teach at an elementary school and everyone knew I was pregnant. There is stress (I teach special education and work with transitioning kids into and out of the program). There are a lot of teachers that don't want to teach special ed students (therefore we have issues) and a lot of parents who aren't exactly thrilled to admit that their child needs services.

This is not the worst teaching year I've had, but I'm so emotional right now, that I'm not able to let go of anything that's happening. I've made excuses to be off until after the holiday on monday, but after that I will definately have to go back. I can't seem to let go of anything negative that's happened and am taking things much more personally than usual.

I'm sure that it's related to the pregnancy loss, because before I found out that there were no heartbeats, I didn't really care if some small bad things happened. Now I'm replaying all of the negative things that happen in my head. The positive thinking tricks I normally use are not working.

In terms of losing the babies, I feel a little better everyday and I hope that the surgery will make a big difference. But I do need to go back to work. How can I stop letting small things bother me? One of the reasons I was hired to do this job is that I normally don't mind being the barer of both good and bad news. It's going to be a very tough year if I can't get my thick skin back.

Sorry if this is off topic...I just don't know how to cope with the emotion behind the pregnancy loss.

kwannabee · 09-01-2009, 11:00 AM

when i lost my girls i was an early child hood educator working in group care with teenage mothers.

When i left for mat leave there were two or three other young moms pregnant at the same time. they took their babies home, i didnt.

ironically, it was one of those same type moms who i knew 10 years earlier, who ended up being my ob nurse when i lost Aimee and Dana...anyway....

i didnt go back for 5 months. I couldnt. i dont even remember how i managed it...i think my co-workers and directors were just way too understanding and i dont think i would have been able to do that anywhere else...but i used that time to grieve, then heal, then start all over.

I couldnt juggle working and ttc-ing at the same time, not again. All the appointments and stuff...i was not going to jeopardize my chances with undue stress...so i put myself and my family first.

So...i think you should give yourself a break. You're hormones havent even stopped raging yet

Your body needs time to readjust, so does your emotions. Its gonna take more then a few days.

You will do whats right for you, just trust your instincts.

Wabella · 09-01-2009, 02:04 PM

Kate - There is no reason for you to expect to be positive right now. It sounds to me that you are dealing with this incredible loss amazingly well. Once you are physically OK (make sure you know coming out of your surgery what you should and should not be doing), then I think the most you should expect of yourself is that you try. In my experience, some days you will be fine and some days you won't. And then it will become some hours and then moments (it has been 6 weeks since our loss and I still have moments that I need to avert my eyes and/or bite my tongue - why are all these pregnant women following me around???). And, kwannabee is absolutely right, you are still full of hormones. Top those dropping hormones with the emotional devestation and it's a downright cocktail for sadness. Or at least an anti-cocktail for happiness!

Try to ignore what other people want/expect of you and give yourself the time to heal. Do your best and no one can really ask/expect more. Even if your best right now is not your norm.

In the meantime, try to surround yourself with people/places/things that do make you happy. And, don't feel bad when they don't make you smile; eventually they will again.

Lastly, your job sounds very emotionally demanding. Thank you for being you. I don't think I could give that much of myself on a daily basis for a career. All the more reason why you should cut yourself some extra slack when you need it (i.e., NOW!)

dstaiger · 09-01-2009, 09:21 PM

when i lost isaac i went back to work right away, thinking i needed something normal in my life. my first day back was for NJASK. i went into the office to pick up my tote and a well meaning colleague asked how the baby was doing (nobody knew why i was out the week before). everyone was in the office getting their totes and i just broke down. all i could say was "i went into labor last week" and nothing else came out. i felt horrible standing there, no one could console me. i went back to my room with my tote and spent every prep and every lunch alone in my room. i couldn't handle their sympathy. i skipped team meetings and left early for three weeks.
when i started feeling better i went out to the track to walk for lunch a ran into a friend. she meant well, but when she told me i looked great and asked if i'd lost weight, i told her "no, i lost a baby." she is a dear woman and watching her try to pull her foot from her mouth was the moment i finally felt better, like myself. i smiled and let her off the hook with a joke and from then on i was ok to go back to my routine of gossip on free ice cream (another teacher owns an ice cream stand and he brings in mistakes)
i think i felt better because i knew i could handle it. i finally didn't cry talking about him.

i guess my point is, there is no way to handle this. it's hard and it hurts. just make the attempt, you'll be proud of that. and be god to yourself. everyone will understand if you need some space.

i'm sorry for your loss. we are all here if you need to talk.

TTCTeacher · 09-02-2009, 12:33 AM

Kate-dont go back...wil youre ready-your Dr will write you out as long as you need..mine said I could take a "maternity" type leave if i wanted to, but I hold hope I will need my sick days for leave someday.

I am a special ed teacher. Today was day one ( no students) with a 2 hour meeting with constant update son people...4 people announced pegnancies...i was waiting al summer to finally be one...and I was soo excited to be the one who finally got to during the staff meeting..today I couldnt. It killed me. Not to mention where I work(ghetto) the parents are excited to "get rid of their kids" tomorrow...where a noamal loving parent is sad to see their child go-chit I cried today when my niece began kindergarten

It sucks....it freaking sucks. IM soo sick of it. Today i decided...Im sick of hiding my babies...like a m/c its this terrible thing you cant tlak about. So I told some people I just lost 2 twins...4 weeks ago today. Then i posted something on facebook because Im tired of all these celebrations for pregnant women...sure my story is terrible-but I have 3 babies...all of hem deserve to be remembered and celebrated. they were alive...they existed, they deserve to be honored.

So i found a website....october15th..or something (google october 15) and they have car stickers and stuff for pregnancy and infant loss....and Im buyng some stuff. My babies deserve for me to inform people and love them....

And...( im soo rambling, i know)

I decided that we are actually pretty awesome-because the babies we made-are already angels!!! So maybe we cant hold them in our arms..but we made angels-and being an angel is a pretty cool thing, and they will watch over us!!!

HTH???

kwannabee · 09-03-2009, 12:48 AM

October 15 (in the USA anyway) is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think its actually legislated...

anyway, somewhere on here there is a blinkie that you can add to your siggie...its on mine. Sorry though i cant remember how to tell you to add it to your signature...i've lost my technical mojo

Anyway, my thoughts are with you all and just know your cysters are with you.

Kate29 · 09-03-2009, 02:51 AM

I wish I didn't have to go back, but everyone in my life basically wants me to. Since I wasn't very pregnant (9-10 weeks) my work will not support a longer leave. If I have to, I'll call the union, but that will garuntee that I am not placed at the same school next year. My husband wants me to work, we could use the money (who couldn't?) and he works out of town, so he doesn't like the idea of me at home by myself all day. I think I'll go back Tuesday and if it's bad, I'll talk to DH and then maybe call the union.

Right now, I just don't feel like being a teacher. I don't want to be around kids and parents all day and if one person more tells me that I don't understand what it's like to have a child placed in special ed because I am not a parent, I won't be able to keep it together. (BTW, this is a pretty common reaction when told that a child requires special education services.) I know the kids I teach deserve better, but that's how I'm feeling. I can't explain it this way to admin, because you're never supposed to not want to be around kids or be a teacher. But since I miscarried, I just look at other people's kids and think why are they here and mine aren't? Terrible, I know, but I can't help it.

lizheil · 09-04-2009, 01:14 AM

Jen I am sick of all the pregnant women complaining about symptoms we would gladly take it off their hands gladly to be pregnant.

Kate it doesn't matter if we were only 10 weeks it's still tough. I have been a hermit since my loss except when my sister brought up my 2 year old great nephew, I wanted to steal him

Your work might not give you maternity leave but I thnk it would be really tough to deal with the emotional stress your from your job in addition to your loss. But I also see the financial situation. I manage an H&R Block during tax season so I am not working right now but last year I had such a hard time when fertility was failing and all these young adults would come in with babies that you knew they were just wanting welfare and earned income credits on. Too many times i had to go to the bathroom and break down crying. I couldn't imagine dealing with that right now. Kids and ungreatful parents are not good for grieving mothers.

framin_memories · 09-04-2009, 07:41 PM

kate...as the other posts stated, take the time you need. It varies from person to person. For me it took over a year and therapy. I tried, like others, to jump right back into "life" but that only put off the pain and hurt I was truly feeling. I had a sister that was pg (she had her son the after I m/c..no "sorry" for the m/c just a "why aren't you happy" type of thing). I also had DH's niece that had a son the month before I m/c and then his other niece (both of whom are young/immature) got pg. I also teach (college) and it was hard seeing young women on campus that were pregnant. So it was a rough time.

Talking to a therapist helped a lot. It also helped me prepare to ttc again and to be mentally ready for it.

I would suggest you see if your ins covers sessions and see if you can find a therapist that specializes in women's issues. Mine did and by seeing her, she was prompted to talk to the RE's office about trying to start ttc support groups (I go to an academic hospital).

I am sorry to hear about your loss and just know it's okay to grieve~

Kate29 · 09-10-2009, 01:15 AM

Well, I'm still not back at work yet. I had a complication after my d and c and had to go to the hospital. I'm fine, now, but somehow I ended up messing up my sleep patterns. I'm now up all night and sleeping when I should be at work. I've given myself until my husband comes back this weekend to get back on track and then we'll have to do something about it. I've always had trouble sleeping, but I'm afraid to take my sleeping pill, since the doctor perscribed percocet for my pain. (I can't take the two together.) I'm so worried that I'm going to be fired or let go. I've talked to my boss, they'd like me to come back, but aren't nearly as concerned about it as I am. I think I may call a therapist tomorrow, because I still can't get passed the small things and it's making it so that I can't function. The percocet is also causing me to be very moody. I would not recommend taking it if at all possible.

Thanks all for your support. I'm sure things will get better soon. I've always been very impatient, wanting to be able to fix everything right away.

cynthalia · 09-23-2009, 01:51 AM

Kate,
how are you doing? I read the thread and understand. I lost my first and only pregnancy at 10 weeks too. It sucked but I think I'm ok now and I'm trying clomid. But how are you? Just wondering.