I Dont Want to Be Me

dimples321 · 01-13-2006, 04:57 AM

I am 22 years old. I was diagnosed with PCOS 5 years ago. I have only gotten 2 periods on my own. Through the years, my feelings about having this disorder have ranged from devestated, to nonchalant. There was one summer a few years ago, that I felt happy, with myself, and my life. I felt beautiful, I felt normal, I felt feminine, I felt healthy. That was a rare time. I always look back to that time.
This week has been especially hard. Since being diagnosed, I have had various symtoms, including severe hyperglycemia, body/facial hair, weight gain, and hair loss. Although I am average weight, 5'5 135lbs, this fluctuates. I've probably lost about half of my hair since I was 17, I used to have thick, silky, long, beautiful blonde hair. Now, my hair is thin, all over my head, thin, flat, and limp. Last week I noticed that my whole scalp is fairly visible through the top of my head, especially in the light. I am only 22. What will happen when i am 32?
I used to think I had a bright future. In high school, I was beautiful, everyone told me so, I felt beautiful, besides the regular insecurities. Although ive always carried this feeling with me, that I never felt like a true woman, because I could never get my period.
I feel like PCOS has robbed me of my beauty, my personality, and my future dreams. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. All ive ever dreamed of was a beautiful home, and a family. I know what its like growing up in a broken home, and I feel like I dont have a family. Ive always dreamed of a husband and kids. I know my chances of having kids are slim, being that I cant even get a period on my own. I feel like no one will want to marry me. I have some friends who are getting pregnant, easily. I hate the way i'm feeling. The way I should be happy for them, but i;m not. I'm beyond jealous. I am in despair. I dont want this condition, I dont want my life. I have nothing to look forward to. I look in the mirror and only see whats wrong with me. My thinning hair, my rough skin, I am full of flaws. I walk down a crowded street and stare at other women, their thick hair, their smooth skin, their feminne bodies, and all I do is compare myself, compare myself, and compare myself until I am full of such self hatred that I cant bear it.
I cant help but feel my life would be different without this condition. I know I would feel different about myself. I used to be confident, i used to be happy, I used to look forward to the future. I used to feel comfortable around others. I used to feel sexy. I used to love my long hair. I used to feel lucky.
I have nothing to look forward to. I want to be someone else. I dont want to be me.

nicole47 · 01-13-2006, 05:46 AM

*hugs*
Plenty of women with PCOS find their perfect mates and have wonderful home lives and families. This syndrome does not have to control us-- we can control it instead. We *can* have babies, it just may take more time and some medical intervention.

You still have a bright future-- now that you know you have PCOS you can take steps to start to control it. Check out the hair forum-- I understand how important hair can be to our sense of identity. All is not lost. Apple cider vinegar shots before meals (2 tablespoons of Braggs) helped a lot of my symptoms go away (though I still haven't been getting periods on my own, but I'm working on it).

If you haven't already, see an endocrinologist. Many cysters find them better for controlling PCOS than gynecologists.

Also, if you need help, don't be afraid to go to a therapist or counselor-- they can help you regain your self esteem and deal with what you need to deal with.

Best of luck! You CAN control this syndrome and regain your life.

sleepydumpling · 01-13-2006, 06:58 AM

Hugs honey - you're not the only one that feels this way. I don't want to be me either!

Are you getting some counselling? It really does help.

Jennnna · 01-13-2006, 07:04 AM

Girl, I too was thin, had a full head of hair. High school was so long ago.... But today is your day. You are a queen and you will get well. Believe in yourself. Reach out to God for a miricle. Faith and your Cysters will support you too! Okay mi hija!

Have yourself a good cry just for today and tomorrow when you wake up shower off the sadness and start your day brand new! You are loved by all of your Cysters!

dimples321 · 01-13-2006, 09:13 AM

Thank you all for your kind words....