Buddies,
I know that there is no correct amount that a person should visit the cemetery, but I still feel bad that we haven't been going often.
Our little tree needs water, and that takes us occasionally, but things happen when we don't go enough. The flowers fade and get nasty. Those really need replacing. Grass clippings get all over the stone, as well as the occasional bird poop. And when they started mowing this year, the things we had out there sitting on the pedestal of her stone disappeared. MIL had gotten Mary Catherine a porcelain angel for her birthday and a little teddy bear. SIL had gotten her a little wind chime. I felt that I had placed these out of the way of the weed eater and mower, but alas, they are gone. A little stuffed doggie we put out there probably was in the grass but could have been picked up and put back on the pedestal of the headstone by a thoughful person. Instead we found it shredded all over the lawn, obviously ground up by the mower. *sigh*
I feel like these things wouldn't be happening if I made it over there more often. My stupid body failed my daughter, and now I'm failing her in other ways.
Of course this is on top of the fact that everyone but me (and sometimes Brad) really seems to be moving on and just focusing on the future instead of grieving anymore. I make a point to answer most people when they ask, "Is this your first child?" that we lost our first one, so Duncan is extra precious to us. I don't think anyone else does this.
Maybe my love is too strong. I just can't let my baby girl go. She is on my mind daily in one way or another, but I still don't know if I'm honoring her memory properly. *sigh again* I'll be stopping at the cemetery today for sure.
Thanks for listening,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Sheri, I'm sorry you're feeling this way It's so hard to take care of a little baby, and it's not your fault that the stupid lawnmower person was not more thoughtful. If you are thinking about her and talking about her, then you are honoring her memory. You can't love her too much and you can hold on as much as you like. She's your little girl and always will be. I wish I was closer so I could go there for you and take care of her grave. Again, I know that it must be difficult to be taking care of a baby, pregnant and still grieving. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
All my best wishes and hugs,
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(((HUGS))) to you Sheri....I can understand how you're feeling badly by not going to the cemetery.
I don't think Mary Catherine thinks you're failing her at all. I don't think she ever has felt that. You're her Mommy and she loves you. She knows that she has a baby brother that you are taking care of.
Isn't there someone that you could speak to about the little things missing or cut up? Is there a caretaker or someone. I mean what could it take for these people who cut the lawn to move a little stuffed teddy bear. I think it's terrible that they wouldn't.
As for you're DH and other family maybe it's their way of protecting themselves. You know instead of saying that Duncan is their 2nd child/grandchild they just say he's the first because it saves them the pain of having to talk about Mary Catherine's passing all the time.
I know that people still ask me ALL the time if Thomas is my first baby. And even though he's not my first baby he's is the first that I hold in my arms. And it would just be too painful to me to tell everyone over and over that I lost our first baby.
I wish I lived close to you....I'd go to the cemetery with you to visit Mary Catherine. I'd love to bring her a new stuff teddy...I'd make sure they kept it there for her.
Sheri, I agree with the others. Not that what we say will make a difference in how you feel. I think that Mary Catherine's not even IN her grave - she's with you all of the time. The cemetary is more for you guys - a place to go and meditate on her life. It's easy for me to SAY that - I still can't bury Rivi!
I think that it was awful of somebody to be careless enough to trash Mary Catherine's things. I hope you mentioned this to the caretaker. It wouldn't kill them to be compassionate.
((hugs)),
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. (My blog)
Sheri,
You are doing the BEST you can; Mary Catherine knows you are caring for Duncan right now and can't make it there all the time. And in my opinion, she would want it that way...a big sister always wants her brother to be cared for.
The things that were destroyed or disappeared - that's just horrible, but it's NOT your fault. That probably would have happened even if you went every day, because you just can't be there 24/7.
I agree with all the PP, not physically going to the gravesite should not make you feel guilty. I think it is far better that you keep Mary Catherine in your thoughts.
As for the person mowing the grass, that is just awful to run stuff over, you can't be the only one leaving things there, it amazes me that stuff like that happens at a gravesite.
As for other's referring to Duncan as your 1st, I'd bet it partly could be too painful for them to re-live the details to other people that don't know about Mary Catherine. I'm speaking, for instance, of grandparents and when they are showing off Duncan and people ask "is this your 1st grandchild??" I think if the person doesn't know the family well enough to know your situation, for most of us, it is less painful to just say "yes, it our 1st" than to go into the loss of a baby. I know to you and Brad it may feel like she is being forgotten. ((HUGS))
Hugs Chickie!! Theres really nothing more to add cuz as usual you got some wise words all ready...all i can say is lil Mary Catherine feels your love everytime you give Dunkie a hug and a kiss...and as someone said to me a long time ago...she didnt come here to leave you behind feeling guilty...she knows you love her. Its too bad about the gifts at the gravestone but i agree with Viv Mary Catherine can see everything you do for her from her little perch in Heaven...you can only spread yourself out so thin...you'll do what you can when you can...dont be so hard on yourself.
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I have nothing to add either.
I just wanted to say that there is no correct amount of time that you need to visit her grave. She knows you think about her daily and that you love her dearly. Sometimes you just can't do everything.
Don't beat yourself up over it!!
HUGE HUGS to you!!!
I know what you are going through, but in a different way. Our problem is that the cemetery is about 45 minutes away. The reason we chose that one is because my dad is buried there, along with my grandparents and several aunts and uncles. I feel as though Matthew is among family...even though he's in a different section....baby land.
My dh is the same way. He wants to move on, but is still very conscious that we lost our son. I think he buries it deep inside, as I am sure most men do. These emotions for him always surface in a huge way when go to the cemetery to visit Matthew. My dh always wants to be the strong one, but I believe he's beginning to realize that I am the stronger than he knows....That it's okay for him to cry for his son. So usually our visits are so emotionally exhausting. I go when my heart feels the need to go...and we always try to make the trip on holidays. We usually stand seperately when we talk to our baby, but somehow at the end of our visit we are one, just holding one another.
In any event, I have my baby's foot prints framed and placed on my dresser. It is one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last things i see when i go to bed. It's in our bedroom and it's just for the two of us to see. When I travel somewhere new, I get a little something for Matthew and place it next to the frame.
Please do not feeI bad about not going to the cemetery often. You always carry Mary Catherine in your heart. Her presence, I'm sure, will always be there in Duncan's and Bumpkin's laughter and smile.
p.s. About the things missing from the cemetery. I know that our cemetery has a very strict spring clean up during the last two weeks of March. During those two weeks, they clean or toss everything that is on the grounds of the cemetery. It was very unsettling to find that out after the fact. There were little momentos that i would have like to save for Matthew's memory box. Had I known, i would have made the trip to save them before the clean up.
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Diana - 36! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Sheri, I know just how often you think of her and how much you miss her, the cemetary is a place for you and not for her, maybe you need to make a place at home for her so that you can care for her as much as you need to without having to go to the cemetary? Perhaps a new angel and a new windchime to put by your peonies? She won't care if her floweres are faded or her little dog is gone, you care, so do what you need to do for you, and don't be so hard on yourself, her place in your life is not to make you feel guilty.
When we were at the hospital with Japhet, Isaac's Gardenia died, Sandy was very upset by it but surprisingly I wasn't...when he asked why I reminded him that the plant wasn't Isaac and that I hadn't forgotten Isaac just because I forgot to get someone to water the plant. Its so easy to cling to the places and objects that are connected with our babies but wherever our babies are..it isn't in those places or objects.
Aviva
__________________ Erica -38, To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH Sandy-38
Dx PCOS/IR since I was 18, on 2000mg metformin XR.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. and missing Isaac Doran born too soon 2/2/04,
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. and holding Japhet Asher, my Chili Pepper, born happy and healthy 1/31/05,
and two lazy To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
You have a lot on your plate at the moment and you are only one person who can only be at one place at any one time. It has been said previously that you cannot control the stupid mower man or the fact that the flowers get a little nasty sometimes. I know it's easier said than done, but when the guilty feelings creep in, remind yourself that it doesn't mean you are neglecting or disrespecting her, she knows that, and you, and us know too. I understand though, that things seem more "right" when her little space there is upkept (is that a word?) and tidy. I hope you don't mind, I am responding because I am sad that you are feeling guilty, not from personal experience. I just wish I could ease your mind, as you have done for so many cysters here.
Thinking of you,
Karen
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I feel bad that we don't go to the cemetery often 
It's so hard to take care of a little baby, and it's not your fault that the stupid lawnmower person was not more thoughtful. If you are thinking about her and talking about her, then you are honoring her memory. You can't love her too much and you can hold on as much as you like. She's your little girl and always will be. I wish I was closer so I could go there for you and take care of her grave. Again, I know that it must be difficult to be taking care of a baby, pregnant and still grieving. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Theres really nothing more to add cuz as usual you got some wise words all ready...all i can say is lil Mary Catherine feels your love everytime you give Dunkie a hug and a kiss...and as someone said to me a long time ago...she didnt come here to leave you behind feeling guilty...she knows you love her. Its too bad about the gifts at the gravestone but i agree with Viv Mary Catherine can see everything you do for her from her little perch in Heaven...you can only spread yourself out so thin...you'll do what you can when you can...dont be so hard on yourself.
