I feel like I'm falling apart

mrsjcc · 07-10-2005, 12:41 AM

I feel so down right and just can't seem to find my way out. I've really been trying to keep my chin up, but I think I've really reached my breaking point. My husband has been in Korea with the Air Force for 5 months and we have 7 more to go before he comes home. I miss him so much and so many things have gone wrong since he's been gone. I was dx with PCOS a couple weeks after he left. I have an Endocrinologist that knows less about PCOS than I do. She automatically put me on Met without checking my insulin because she said it was the only way to treat PCOS. She isn't encouraging--she told me there's no way I can ever lose weight. I went off the Met because it was making me so sick and I'm trying herbal therapies, but I'm doing it all alone. I just feel all around very alone. I miss my husband so much. This isn't our first military separation, but it gets harder each time he leaves. I need his support in person, so much. Since he's been gone the A/C broke, the dryer broke, the roof started leaking, I ended up with the houseguest from hell that it took a month to get rid of, I've been having a lot of physical problems, I've had to deal with a couple pet health emergencies, and endless financial problems. It just seems like more bad things have happened in the past 5 months than the previous 2 years! I've been losing so much of my hair and not enough of my weight. I have this fear that my hubby will come home from Korea next year to a bald fat wife. I know part of the reason my spirits are so down is because I haven't exercised in over 3 weeks. I was attacked by a dog 3.5 weeks ago and my ankle is finally healed enough for me to exercise, but I'm completely lacking motivation. The only thing I'm not lacking is sadness. I just feel so sad. I spend so much time crying anymore. My house is messy, I haven't done anything lately. I haven't even been training with my dogs or grooming them. I want to get on with my life and go abck to keeping my chin up, I just don't know how.

I'm sorry if this post seems jumbled, I feel jumbled. Thanks for "listening" anyone.

KatrinaAnne · 07-10-2005, 12:54 AM

Sweetheart,

((Big Hugs)) to you. When I read your post my heart ached, I hurt so badly because I know you are hurting

. I really wish there was some magical words or a philosophical saying that I could say to make all your pain go away; I know this is not a rational thought, but it is something I wish.

From reading your post you are going through so very much, and it does not help when you feel you are alone and you do not have your lifetime partner with you. I just want to tell you that you are not alone....we are all here for you and we love you. I know that I am not an expert but it may be a good idea for you to talk to your doctor sweetheart...you may be very depressed and some medication may help you. Sometimes when we have a lot going on in our lives like you do sweetheart we think that the way we are feeling is because of the conditions in our lives, but sometimes it is depression that is exacerbated by everything else that is going on. I know that my anxiety was taking over my life and my medication has really been a lifesaver. Sweetheart, I just want you to know you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I will be praying for you and you will be in my thoughts. Please let us know how you are doing...and know that anytime you need to talk...I am here to listen and so are all your other cysters. We can get through anything and everything together...and just know you are beautiful......and wonderful.....and you can have your life the way you want it!

dellwood · 07-10-2005, 07:11 AM

So sorry to hear of your troubles. Sometimes it really does feel like the whole world's just out to get you, doesn't it? We just have to take one step at a time and lean on each other; do you have any family or friends fairly close that can support you while your husband is away? It's no replacement for a proper hug, I know, but everyone here is always ready to lend an ear and wish you well.

Stacie9778 · 07-10-2005, 12:52 PM

Awwww sweetie!!! I really hope you feel better!!! ((HUGS)) you always have us to talk to when you feel lonely and need some support.

purplerose · 07-10-2005, 03:21 PM

Have you considered going to a new doctor, dear? Perhaps it would help if you had one who knew more about PCOS and could give you good information. It is definitely possible to lose weight, sometimes it's just harder for us. I know how much it hurts to be far apart from the man you love. We're all here ready to listen whenever you need us.

mrsjcc · 07-10-2005, 03:51 PM

Thank you, guys. I feel a little better today. It felt good just to say how crummy I feel. Everything thinks I'm so strong and I don't feel like I can tell anyone that I'm not. This month of missing my husband has been so hard. I miss him so much I feel like I'm going to break in 2 and we aren't even halfway through it. I need his support so bad. And I have his support long distance, I just need a hug from him. I need him here to tell me that I'm beautiful even though my hair's falling out and I'm not having a lot of weight loss progress. And it's been harder lately because he's been really busy with work, so we are rarely able to talk on the phone, and when we do the conversations are shorter. He also hasn't had as much time for e-mail.

Yeah, my Endocrinologist sucks, but under military medical care, she's the only one I'm authorized to see. I've been reading as much as I can about PCOS though. Unfortunately I don't know very much about my bloodwork (All I really know is my Testoterone is high). Next time I go in I'll request a copy of my boodwork, and hopefulyl she'll let me have it. My hubby will only be in the military for another 1.5 years and hopefully after that he'll have a job with better healthcare insurance.

Thanks for listening. Sometimes it makes you feel better just to have someone listen, in my case I certainly do feel a little better now. Thank you.

purplerose · 07-10-2005, 05:06 PM

Maybe you could share some PCOS articles with your doctor. Most doctors try to keep up with the latest medical journals and research, so she should be willing to read about it. Are you on any birth control pills? For many of us who aren't trying to get pregnant, they help to stabilize hormones and regulate our cycles.

Do you and your DH send letters to each other? Sometimes an old fashioned handwritten letter can be even better than an email. My DBF (who's 1800 miles away) and I talk on the phone and/or online every day, but just getting a letter in his handwriting makes me feel closer to him.

heather090702 · 07-11-2005, 12:55 AM

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better today. I meant to reply to you yesterday but my infant has had a bad fever and has needed all my time. Now that I get here today, you are feeling better and that makes me happy. Please keep us informed on how you are feeling, we are here whenever you need us!

Heather

*pEaNuT* · 07-11-2005, 02:44 AM

((hugs))

mrsjcc · 07-11-2005, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gir1g33k

Maybe you could share some PCOS articles with your doctor. Most doctors try to keep up with the latest medical journals and research, so she should be willing to read about it. Are you on any birth control pills? For many of us who aren't trying to get pregnant, they help to stabilize hormones and regulate our cycles.

Do you and your DH send letters to each other? Sometimes an old fashioned handwritten letter can be even better than an email. My DBF (who's 1800 miles away) and I talk on the phone and/or online every day, but just getting a letter in his handwriting makes me feel closer to him.

Unfortunately my doc isn't exactly what you'd call open minded and she isn't interested in talking to me at all. As for BCP's I've been going the natural route to help my hormones. I know it's been helping too, because my rather extreme moods have really stabilized in the past few weeks. I don't really count occasional depression, because I know from experience that it's pretty normal when hubby's gone.

I send hubby lots of letters. I'm a writer by nature. He has sent me a total of one in the 5 months since he's been gone.

It would be nice to hold something in my hands he has written, but he really doesn't enjoy writing, and he does make an effort to e-mail me (which he much prefers to handwriting a letter) as much as he can.

And thanks Heather and fallingapart for your support. I really do appreciate it. It's nice to have someone listen when it feels like everything is falling apart.

heather090702 · 07-11-2005, 03:03 PM

Laura,

More (((((Hugs))))) to you today because we can never have too many hugs. I'm curious what you are taking to help with your depression? Not having DH around cannot be easy and I know for a fact my depression would soar if DH weren't here. I think you are handling everything extremely well. You are very strong. And when you feel not so strong, we are always here to hold you up. Please keep us updated. PM me if you ever want to chat or you need anything!

Heather

*pEaNuT* · 07-11-2005, 04:10 PM

QUOTE "it feels like everything is falling apart."

Thats why I choose my username as fallingapart!!! LOL (((((HUGS))))) I felt like my world was falling apart when I found SC!! If you ever need anything please PM me!! ((HUGS))

mrsjcc · 07-12-2005, 12:03 AM

Thank you, ladies, I really appreciate it.

Hubby and I got to e-mail back and forth for a few minutes last night. That was really nice. I'm having a hard time not dwelling on the sucky parts of life and I've been treating myself gently. I know that sounds silly, but I've decided that this week I can read novels, do the bare minimum for houework, and not care about the needle on the scale refusing to move. I've found a couple ideas for hair loss too, so I'm feeling less hopeless on that front (the hair loss thing has been a big and difficult issue for me)

Quote:

I'm curious what you are taking to help with your depression?

Well, I wasn't planning on trying anything specifically for depression, but something in my herbal regime has helped with it tremendously (though I suspect that just by balancing my hormones I'm helping the depression) I guess that is the bright point in my life right now. My moods aren't swinging drastically, I'm not having problems with my temper, I feel more calm, I have less chest hair, I'm plucking less, and the dark patch of skin on the back of my neck has lightened incredibly. I take Chromium (GTF), Evening Primrose Oil, Saw Palmetto, a multi, green tea caplets, and B-complex. I've read that B vitamins help with depression, so that may be what has helped.

heather090702 · 07-12-2005, 12:37 AM

That's hreat that you got to "talk" to him. Thank you for sharing your cocktail of vitamins, perhaps I will have to try some. All I take now is a plain old multi.

Heather

dellwood · 07-12-2005, 07:28 AM

Glad to hear you managed some email time together and it's great that you're feeling a bit better. Go ahead, spoil yourself a little now and then!