I feel pathetic

01-19-2006, 12:57 AM

I've put on 9 kilos (20 pounds), i have a moustache, and now I'm sprouting a beard.
I'm some mental case whose obsessed with her therapist - I had to delete that thread because I was so embarassed about it. But I've found out even more information now.
And now I feel angry angry angry as well as weepy. I want everyone to leave me alone but also I don't want them to go.
I think my mind is cracking (again).
I want to know what is wrong with me.
My therapist said I have hypervigilence, and dissassociation.
My GP says I exhibit signs of post traumatic stress disorder & that I'm very disassociated?
I don't what it all means, I can't concentrate on what they are saying.
I don't want them to be abandoning me, but I don't want to need them.
I need more power, this process is making me powerless & vunerable & exposed.
What if they misuse their power & take advantage of me?
I'm so frightened.
Sorry I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm just rambling.
I feel maybe I should end all sessions. If I end it then its better then them ending it right?

sleepydumpling · 01-19-2006, 01:19 AM

Honey... you're spiralling downwards again. Can you go back and find some of your "up" posts and read through them again? It always helps me!

Big hugs - you are not crazy, awful or pathetic. You ARE depressed!

Catwoman2005 · 01-19-2006, 03:13 AM

((((((HUGS))))))) You're NOT pathetic....

Your therapist is only trying to help you... They won't take advange of you... You problably feel so vulnerable around them because they are working with to find the root of your problem... I know I felt vulnerable a little while ago with my therapist, but I have now turned the corner and see the light and don't feel that way... Don't end your sessions, you're probably just hitting that point of vulnerism and should only get better (can't tell how many sessions that will be, every person/problem is different, but it will get better)....

Post traumatic stress is the stress that you go through after a traumatic experience... You may recognize some of the symptoms, but others you won't, but you know you don't feel like yourself...

Hang in there, you'll get through what ever you are going through... PM me any time if you need to chat...

01-19-2006, 05:13 AM

what a traumatic experience that happened eleven years ago can now resurface now?!
I was sexually assaulted at 18. I've never told anyone about it. Not even DH. You are the first people I'm telling.
Please do not judge me for it.

nicole47 · 01-19-2006, 05:44 AM

Oh Jane, you're practically a text book case. I am NOT an expert on any of this (however, your therapist either is, or can recommend you to someone who is), but I do have a friend who did her psychology PhD on dissertation, so I have read a lot on the subject. As you've been posting, more and more I've been wondering, what horrible thing(s) could have happened to you to destroy your trust, your ability to cry, and to create this fear, and need for comfort. Then when you said dissociation and PTSD, I was even more convinced that something horrible had happened to you. The way DID (dissociative identity disorder) and PTSD work... they often DO resurface after years of lying dormant... sometimes there's a trigger... like when a woman has children the age that she was when abused, but sometimes there doesn't seem to be one. It can even happen when everything seems to be going well, maybe because your subconscious knows that you have to deal with it at some point, and it's best to do it when there aren't other stresses. That's something you can even figure out in therapy.

You CAN work to make life better, to help to heal those scars. Keep fighting, and keep going to therapy and working as hard as you can to understand why you feel the way you do and to find the wonderful person you are inside.

sleepydumpling · 01-19-2006, 06:02 AM

Yep Jane - a traumatic event from any time of your life can pop up any old time at all that it pleases. Often there is some tiny trigger that you can't even recognise.

As for judging you, baby-girl, any time someone judged you negatively for something that happened to you against your will - well they'd be just scum.

I judge you as an incredibly strong woman to have survived this long without telling anyone! That's amazing girl. Sweetheart - tell your therapist/counsellor. They'll go "Ahhh now we know where to help you!" I am sure.

Big, big hugs!
Kath

isenephthys · 01-19-2006, 12:10 PM

jane, *hugs* no one is going to judge you for being assaulted. that was not your fault, in any way.

you sound like you're at quite a low point; we all get that way. when i was in therapy, i would hit lows before i would begin to get better. when i began therapy, my therapist told me that it would not be easy- it is hard, painful, messy work. you're going in and mucking about with the darkest parts fo your psyche. the fact that you're able to do that testfies to your strength- not everyone can handle it.

your doctor and therapist won't abandon you; they're there to help! as long as you show up and are doing the work, they're going to help you. don't end your sessions. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. you WILL get there.

do let your therapist know about the sexual assault. that's a horrible thing that happened to you and i wish it never happened to anyone. i also know that it does not reflect badly on you, only on the creep that did it to you. and from experience, it does help to tell someone. i am so sorry for what happened to you.

oaktreegirl · 01-20-2006, 12:23 AM

Jane, it's hard to be vulnerable to somebody else. But being vulnerable will not make you less powerful. In fact, you already are powerful. They are just here to help you realise it.

I was sexually assaulted many years ago (and this is the first time I'm saying it too). I was in denial about it for a long time because I didn't want to be a victim. It took me a while to realise that this event did not take away from my own power. It comes from a sacred place deep within me, and all I have to do is let it flow. It's kind of hard to explain what I mean, because I'm not good with words. Too bad telepathy doesn't work. But I hope you understand the general idea of what I'm trying to say.

ABumpyGal · 01-20-2006, 04:04 AM

Jane hon, you are most DEFINITELY not pathetic! If you are, I am. And I'm not, so you're not either. Make sense?

I want to give this post the attention it deserves, and we've just sat down to dinner, so I'll have to get back to it later tonight. Sorry about that! I just don't want to rush through it is all.

It's going to be ok, I promise!
Dana

Catwoman2005 · 01-20-2006, 04:53 AM

((((HUGS))))

I would tell your therapist about the assault... I know it might seem scary at first, but once the therapist knows, they'll be able to help you a thousand times better... Even help you how to handle triggers...

I started seeing a therapist because DH had an affair on me... During the sessions I felt like I was going no where... I had a break down night... DH emailed the therapist in concern for me... My therapist emailed me back with some concern, but said he had been trying to help but had to admit that it was hard... So when I replied I gave him the run down of everything that has happened in my life, from divorsed parents to a bad relationship and a bad boss... After he read that, he thanked me and knew exactly where to take the sessions from there... If I had never told him of stuff that happened in my life I wouldn't be as far along in my sessions and feeling better about myself, he's now saying he sees the difference in me...

You will get through this...

01-20-2006, 05:51 AM

sorry but you are all wrong. its was myfault you wernt there. my therpasit doesnt get money. its an ivf clinic. im a loser for going there more then once. her job isj ust to make sure people are equiped to go thru ivf. not other hit. so i can't keep gong to her. whatever. idon't care idon't need naone im drjnk. imast work and im druink and idont care. and ui don't know.

01-20-2006, 05:59 AM

i hate me
i fyou new how disgusting i was you would not reply to my stuped messages/
im s o ugly and a babd persne.

isenephthys · 01-20-2006, 10:03 AM

jane, i'm pretty worried about you.

you've got a lot going on and if you're not seeing someone who can help you with all that you have been through, then you need to seek some help.

you're not an ugly, bad person. all of us here on this board are experiencing the symptoms of pcos- the excess hair, weight gain, infertility, etc. they are very emotionally devastating. you may feel that you are ugly and bad, but you're not. you're at a low point and you've got more than a few of us really concerned about you.

nicole47 · 01-21-2006, 06:32 AM

what isenephthys said

*HUGS* I'm very worried. Please keep working hard on trying to feel better with your doctors and therapist.

There's a wonderful person inside of you, Jane, there really is.

Binxsmommy · 01-21-2006, 07:27 AM

Jane I'm no "expert" either but I can't even begin to tell you hoe many threapists I have told off because of feeling to vulnurable (that's my defense). Anyway you really do sound like you need to speak w/ someone ...this coming from a women w/ her OWN mental issues and diagnosis. The paranoia you are dealing with your therapist is all to real to me too. I don't want to get into to much detail but if you ever wanna talk you can PM me and I can go further with you. ((((((HUGS))))))