I feel so alone, and I just might break.

Ka Mai Kim · 10-22-2005, 11:05 PM

I'm sorry, it seems that all I ever do lately write about my sob stories. How pathetic am I. Here comes another one...feel free to tune me out if I'm too whiny.

Earlier this week I finally asked the guy I've been dating if something was wrong, if I had said/done anything off putting, etc. He said no, that he'd just been really busy with school, but that I hadn't done anything. That's why he hadn't been able to spend much time with me. He told me that he'd "never hurt me." Well, I was reassured, anyway, because surely if something was wrong or if he didnt want to see me anymore, he'd tell me, right? So, yesterday I ask him if he was up to anything this evening (Saturday) and he said no, so I sugguested we do something. He said that we could probably get together. Needless to say, I was thrilled. So, skip to this evening. I catch him online, and ask him what he is up to, and he says he is getting ready to go out, because his friend wants him to hang out. I am just so devastated, I say "oh, sounds like fun" and sign off. I don't know what happened to our potential plans, but I guess they didn't really count.

I am depressed, but, hey, I have a 3 day weekend...I am not going to let it get ruined. So I text one of my best friends, and ask if her and her boyfriend are doing anything tonight (I often hang out with them). She writes back and says that they are doing a movie shoot with some other friends, so no hanging out with me. I know this isn't their fault, and isn't something I should be mad over, but I suddenly just get so sad and lonely that I just start crying. I just need someone to talk to, some form of human contact, and I'd hoped I'd find that with my friends, but tonight I don't have anyone. I literally have 2 friends that I hang out with on a regular basis, who I talk to, confide in, etc. Other than that I have no one.

So, what do I do? I take 4 benadryl and go sit in a hot shower for about 20 minutes bawling my eyes out. I don't think it helped. All I want to do is sleep. If I sleep, I can forget the pain I am in. I can forget feeling lonely, and rejected, and pathetic. Thank god I don't have any prescription sleeping pills, because at this moment I'd probably really hurt myself with something like that.

I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I want someone to tell me I'm not alone. I want someone to tell me to forget about this guy and move on. Even if he won't admit he isn't interested in me anymore, all the signs point in that direction, right? He doesn't talk to me much anymore, he doesn't want to see me. Clearly, I am just fooling myself into hoping that he'll come around and want to see me again.

Plus, I'm upset that I am letting myself get so upset about this. I think I fell in love with the idea of having a boyfriend. I got my hopes up for nothing, and it all came crashing down around my ears.

All I want to do right now is shut down. I want to stop existing, even if it's only for a little while. I don't want to feel anymore.

*pEaNuT* · 10-22-2005, 11:11 PM

HUGS KIM!! U ARE NEVER ALONE!! PM, IM me anytime~

nicole47 · 10-22-2005, 11:12 PM

I'm so sorry you're having such a lousy weekend! There's still people online though! Hi!

I'm watching really sappy anime (Kokoro library) right now and that's keeping me from feeling too down, even though all my friends are busy without me and I have to work tomorrow when they're not. Do you have any movies or books or anything to take your mind off everyone else being busy? Or any chores that might as well be done now instead of later when people are back? Or maybe you could go out someplace where people always are since it's a Saturday night.

nicole47 · 10-22-2005, 11:41 PM

p.s. I think you should add some more art to your webpage. I really like the two of your bird.

What else do you do in your free time?

IsabelleGrace · 10-22-2005, 11:48 PM

I am so sorry that you are feeling as you are. I wish I was there and could wrap my arms around you with a big hug. I have been where you are. Many of us have been there. Please believe that Benedryl and hiding are truly not the answer. Try to step outside of your boundaries and take baby steps to start focusing on what you want for yourself. Look deep inside and find what it is that truly makes you feel good. What you can do that makes you feel happy and productive. Soon, you will see that your focus shifts off of him and/or others, and onto the life that you can create for yourself. Do not define yourself by the actions/words of others. Love and trust yourself first, last, and always. Make every day count for you. You are worth it!

melzie2121 · 10-23-2005, 12:33 AM

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this down. I know how it feels to feel like you're all alone and you just want someone to hold you. Just know that you're not alone, despite how much you may think you are, and know that this feeling will pass. Sending big hugs and positive thoughts your way.......

Ka Mai Kim · 10-23-2005, 12:48 AM

I'm still here. About to fall asleep, and pleasantly numb, but alive. I wrote "the guy" an e-mail a few moments ago. Asking him up front whether he was still interested or not. I don't think I would even care so much if he said that he wasn't...at least I would KNOW though, and not be stuck wondering and feeling like crap because I think I've committed some social faux pas.

Thank you guys for being here for me. I don't know what I'd do without a place to post about all of my issues.

Quote:

p.s. I think you should add some more art to your webpage. I really like the two of your bird.

Thanks. I've been meaning to start experimenting with my digital camera. Photography is a big interest of mine, but I haven't gotten off my butt to do the things I think about doing. Maybe I will try to do that tomorow, instead of moping around all day. I honestly thought of attempting to sleep now through tomorrow night. Hah. I know that wouldn't make me feel better.

I think for now I will try to sleep this off, and start over tomorrow.

You guys are awesome, thank you again for bearing with me...

nicole47 · 10-23-2005, 12:50 AM

Good luck! Get a good night's sleep!

ladibug · 10-23-2005, 01:47 AM

Kim, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been through almost the same. Please contact me. I sent you a private msg. I'm usually online so send me a msg. I want to chat with you. Just give you a little of what helped get out of my 'funk'!

Thinking about you!
Hugs!
Kari

sleepydumpling · 10-23-2005, 07:22 AM

Just a hug, cos I know how you feel. So many things you've said I could have written myself. And I know it helps me to know I'm not alone, so I hope it helps you too.

Hugs
Kath

ladynred1920 · 10-23-2005, 08:51 AM

{{{HUGSS}}}

I am sorry that you have to go through this. We don't want you to feel like you are alone because you are not. You have more friends that you can confide in than just the two at home. You have all the soul cysters online that are willing to listen and be there if you need it.

Feel free to message me. I am on here at least once a day checking on messages and seeing how my cysters are doing!

Penelope Pitstop · 10-23-2005, 10:09 AM

Hi
I Was really sad to read your post..

I think you are bravely acknowledging that maybe the relationship isn't right or healthy for you.. No man is worth the heartache you are feeling..
He doesn't deserve you!!

Try to believe that

Hope you have a good weekend..

((Hugs))

Ka Mai Kim · 10-24-2005, 03:55 AM

Just wanted to update...

I ended up talking to him today. Apparently he has been having his own issues lately, and he apologized for being distant for the last few weeks. He ended up coming over to my house tonight and we just hung out for a while. It was pretty nice...I am feeling much better than I did last night.

I still have an appt. this upcoming Friday with a psychiatrist. I seriously doubt it is "normal" for me to be having such severe "lows"...especially since it seems I have been having them a lot lately. I don't know. We'll see how things go. Here's hoping I can make myself stay positive, no matter what life deals me.

10-24-2005, 06:48 PM

Best wishes Kim

Penelope Pitstop · 10-28-2005, 05:54 PM

That's great, I hope everything contiues to go well..