I feel worthless..and somewhat suicidal

Confuzed · 03-19-2004, 02:28 AM

I am 23 years old
I was diagnosed in 2002 and had to have surgery to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube because it was so badly damaged.
My right ovary has a large cyst on it. they left it during the operation because it has twisted the ovary and is too close to my bowel. It would have been dangerous to remove it. But one day I may have to have a hysterectomy
I feel worthless like what could i offer a future husband? Not a girl with a great body (although at the gyn today I saw that I lost 2lbs.) and I cannot reproduce..I have been very depressed and suicidal lately. I know I wouldnt kill myself because I believe in God but everyday I cry (right now as a matter of fact)I just feel I have nothing to offer a man, I know that sounds dumb but every time I start a relationship its always in the back of my mind..do I tell him or not?
The guy I am with right now doesnt really understand this pcos, and he sometimes talks of our future and having kids and I get so sad because my doctor told me its not likely.
So I have been depressed for awhile now..i hope for some happiness soon.
It also doesnt help that I used to have a very nice body (think Jlo) and know I have puffed out and I try so hard to lose weight but it doesnt seem to budge. But luckily I found this site and see that losing weight is possible. I also recently started metformin so i hope that will help as well
bye
bye

sasha299 · 03-19-2004, 03:13 AM

hon, your worth is not in having kids. You are a beautiful person and how you look does not affect that. Why dont you have a talk with your partner. You may find out that he speaks about kids because that is what pple do when they are inlove. Teach him what you know about this disease. Start fighing back. You can do it. I have found that when I pray each day it gives me hope. You may need some help with your depression. You should talk with your doctor about it. It is normal to feel sad but sometimes we need alittle mroe help dealing with the situations that life throws at us.

Let me tell you though, have faith. Although the drs said that it was not likely that does not mean it is impossible. And if you browse the boards you will see that some ladies here conceived after being told that there was no hope.

And, please dont thing me insensitve but it could also be a calling. I fell that I went through this because i have a calling to adopt. The calling with my DH is not as strong but it is there too.

By the way if DP is not willing to be educated well, trust me he is not the one. But I have a feeling if you discuss with him you may be surprised.

You are not alone and it is harder to deal with if you do not share your load.

Your fellow cysters are here for you!

Thought I'd tell you that I was s size 4 when I got married 8 years ago but am now a large 14 or small 16! Your size does not affect who you are.

Try following every negative statement with a positive. For Example: I am short and fat (2 satements) but I have a great smile and a loving personality.
try it and ti will be hard at first but the mroe you do it the easier it becomes.

zoo7 · 03-19-2004, 09:26 AM

Talk to your doctor about your depression. It can also be linked to the hormone changes in your body. I was very depressed and moody, and got on Sarafem. It has made my life much much better. I can actually deal with things day to day without crying!

If a man judges you based on your weight and your ability to have kids, then they aren't worth it. You have a whole lot ahead of you! I had a hard time dealing with possible infertility, but now I see it as something in God's hands. If I can't have kids, then I know there is a child out there that needs an extra loving mommy like me.

We're here for ya!

Jenny Gabrenas · 03-19-2004, 09:35 AM

just wanted to ditto the above ladies, and let you know that i am thinking of you, and hurting with you. dont keep the pain inside, share it. it helps.

jenny

Lendi · 03-19-2004, 09:57 AM

Confuzed, glad you found us. People on this board understand depression and will listen. Talk to you Dr. or counselor about your feelings though. They can help, too. You are unique, you are special. And, the other ladies had some great advice. Research and learn. Knowledge is power. Lendi

santa'sbaby · 03-19-2004, 02:04 PM

Hey Cofused,

Welcome to our little part of the world.

I am so sad right now because I relate so much to your letter. I remember how I felt when the first cyst was removed off my ovary. I really never the same again. I cried every day and from that moment on I have delt with depression. It's so black in my world sometimes.

I am also looking at adopting as I feel that with each passing day my time is running out (I am 33). I know that as a women, the greatest gift you can give is yourself, your heart, your love, your support and your compassion. There is power in the strength of a women and any man that is wise will know that and value and cherish it like there is no tomorrow. A beautiful healthy women can loose all her beauty, fertility etc. in a heartbeat through a tragic accident. The heart and love of a women lasts forever and again I stress one thousand more times powerful. I have that gift to give. I try to give it to my husband everyday.

I also no longer care if the child comes from my body or not. A child is such a precious gift in any fourm. I will love him or her no matter where they come from.

I feel so frustrated though because, I just wish I could wrap my arms around you and help you understand that you can overcome this and you will.

Stay close to this board, keep in touch with us. You have so much to learn here. I look forward to getting to know you.

Hugs,
April

Heathy020184 · 03-19-2004, 09:09 PM

i agree with the ladies above......my last boyfriend didnt really care to find out about my problems with pcos.....eventually we didnt work out (due to other reasons but that always lurked in my mind).....my new boyfriend is very interested and loves me reguardless.....if the men you are dating dont understand this then no they arent worth your time.

While i dont know you im sure youre a beautiful person, and have everything to live for. no you may not be able to have your own children but there are thousands of children waiting to be adopted to wonderful women who should be mothers but cant be. i think you fall in this category......

chin up, keep your faith and dont hesitate to look for support here, after all thats what we are all here for!!!!

Confuzed · 03-21-2004, 01:50 PM

I want to thank everyone who gave me hope...the hardest part about this for me was I felt so isolated in my struggles. But I now know thats not the case and that makes it easier to deal with (somewhat). I am getting counselling, and I read alot of self-help books..
thanks again

eutychus · 03-29-2004, 04:11 AM

Sweetie, you are in mourning. You have had a major loss here. To find out that having a child is unlikely means mourning for your lost child or children. It's just as serious a thing as when somebody has a miscarriage or loses a baby or even an older child. It is normal to feel sad.
Mourning goes through stages. There's the stunned part where you can't believe this is happening to you, the denial that it's real, the sharp pain when you realize it is, and the angry part (which you may be taking out on yourself ) . Then there's the bargaining bit where you are almost ready to sell your soul for a baby and then there's acceptance and a sadness that you think about less and less as time goes on, but never really goes away. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry. Throw things. Yell at God. But be nice to yourself. Find support in places like this and with friends and family. You will eventually heal --and probably be a deeper, wiser, more caring person than you were before. It stinks right now, I know, but you're going to be OK. My prayers are for you.

JULYO · 03-29-2004, 08:14 PM

I am so sorry to hear all that you've gone thru. I can sort of relate in only a small way of my own. I've always been single (weight/trust issues) and I'm newly diagnosed with PCOS after years of symptoms which have included anxiety and mild depression and today I asked the gynie about my fertility in my first consultation. She said yes it will probably be a problem and that I should TTC as soon as possible. I feel upset and worried about the future. I'm 28 and all I can think of is how will I find a man who will take me and my problems on, how and when would I tell them that I could have fertility problems? I'm sure you've thought the same. Anyway I know this isn't an uplifting message like those before me but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your worries and that my thoughts are with you.
I'm trying to do positive things like low-carbing to loose weight and going to the gym. Hopefully that'll help. Big Hugs to you
Julie (28)

Heaviest Weight - 224lbs
Current Weight - 205lbs
Target Weight - 140lbs

BCP - Microgynon 30
No Metformin - Wouldn't let me have it