I got turned down for volunteering

lovepotato · 02-07-2006, 08:24 PM

I'm not having a good day. My stepmom and I try to go to this place called Birthright, that helps pregnant girls and women with clothes and food. The lady said that she doesn't think I'm ready to be around other pregnant people.
That may be, but not I feel rejected. No one wants to be around me. I don't have a baby. My family hasn't called. I don't have too many friends. I just feel worthless. Like the one thing I thought I'd be good at got taken away, and now when I try to find something I'll be okay at, I get turned away too.

And I told her the whole story. She started giving me all this advice, like how I should have an amnio with my next one. Hello! MY kid's sac was torn! Doesn't an amnio put a hole in the sac? Why would I do something that would maybe do the same thing?? And she gave me the number of a high risk doctor, who I've only heard bad things about. I would never go to him, or his colleagues!

She made me feel like this is gonna happen again, when everything I've read has said the exact opposite. Only one person I know of had this happen twice. I found it on a poll online, and it asked after you've had an ABS baby, how did your other pgs go. Of 30 people, 24 had a healthy baby, 1 had an ABS related miscarriage, and 5 unknown miscarriages. How does she get off giving me medical advice, and she doesn't know what she's talking about! I don't even think she'd heard of it!! Every other single piece of information, every other single person has said that this has no reflection on my next pgs!!!!! I've done plenty of research, so it's not like I'm going into this blindly.

I'm sorry. I'm just really upset. I feel like I can't do anything right. And I can't be normal. Everything about is me is strange. I have PCOS. I lost my baby, but to something really strange. I had surgery on my foot, and instead of fixing it, my big toe moved away from the others (sorry long story!). I jsut feel like a big fat, lost-her-baby-to-something-weird, can't-get-a-job, panicky, messy, nutjob loser that can't even get a job volunteering.

I just want to curl into a ball, and fall asleep.

GabrielsMom · 02-07-2006, 08:31 PM

I'm sorry you've been given some crappy advice! There are too many well-meaning ignorant people out there. The leader of my support group calls it "added torture"... because we have plenty of torture already!

I think you're very brave for volunteering. For years I wanted to volunteer at a pregnancy center, but I never got around to it. Chances are, I never will do it now... I don't think I could stand to be around so many women with unexpected/crisis pregnancies when I can't even have a baby of my own. I think that most people in our situation would feel the same way, which is why she didn't think it would be a good idea. It's too emotionally explosive for most people, and I don't think she wants to take the risk. Women in unplanned pregnancy situations have a lot of stress on their own, and I'm guessing she doesn't want to risk adding to it in any way. I'm sure you would be fine, but she doesn't know that. KWIM?

I hope this helps you feel better at least a little. I really admire you for trying to volunteer in the first place.

Hugs,
Adrianne

oohmercyme · 02-07-2006, 08:33 PM

*Big hugs* I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible and it seems like everything in your life is rotten right now. You are NOT worthless. But you are hurting terribly and this seems like just one more failure/rejection/crappy thing.

When I was a volunteer coordinator, I had to turn down a number of people for various reasons. If you you laid all your cards on the table, I think the person you spoke to was right in assessing you may not be ready to be around pregnant women. Have you considered why you want to be and if you are truly ready? (Not to be patronizing, I am not in your shoes). She does have to protect her program and the participants.

I hope things soon start looking up for you. Take care of yourself.

Gnzls924 · 02-07-2006, 09:03 PM

YOU are a very courageous woman! I think we all are! I think that you will find that after this heartbreaking and very unfortunate experience, you will emerge a much more stronger woman....but it will take time. You are not a loser, or worthless.

Going forward, there are going to be a lot of "well meaning people" (i use that term loosely) who will offer their advice on what you should do. My advice to you is to check certain criteria...my first check is to see if they have suffered a loss like mine...if they haven't, I turn a deaf ear and nod. For example, I have this aunt who sat down with me to tell me about the benefits of weight loss. Now, first of all, weight loss is a personal thing...not to be shared with everyone! Secondly, Timing is everything. An hour after i just buried my son is not the appropriate to talk to me about the benefits of weight loss. Yes, my aunt is one of those "well meaning" people, but thank God i was so weak cause i think i would have thrown her out of my house, literally, if i had the strength. All i could do is sit in my rocking chair and look at this crazy woman!

I find that my safe place is here on SC, with the women of this board. There are days that I wish we could all be in one place to offer each other encouragement and support...and heck, some laughs too!

What a wonderful idea to volunteer....maybe you can focus your efforts on a different organization. I am sure they would love to have you! My husband and I are going to participate in Walkamerica again this year. It is sponsored by the march of dimes....it maybe available in your area!

jlbrown122 · 02-07-2006, 10:24 PM

I think you are an amazing woman to want to volunteer with Birthright. We have one here and I knew someone that volunteered there. She did say that it was hard because some of the young girls refused to take care of themselves (no drinking, drugs, taking prenatal vitamins, etc.) and I think that would have been very very hard for you. I know that I could not do it. I could not control my emotions if I were around someone that was pregnant and did not do everything possible to give their baby the best chance at life.

There are plenty of other organizations that you could do volunteer work for. You just have to find the one that is right for you.

TurtleLove · 02-08-2006, 01:54 AM

i am so sorry life has been so rotten today, pretty much everything has been said but i still wanted to hug you anyway

take care of yourself, when you get down, at some point you do get to get back up. lots of hugs and warm healthy vibes your way, here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

saluki_fan · 02-08-2006, 05:07 AM

I have another suggestion...I have heard of Birthright; there are several of their facilities in the St Louis area and they are a good organization. Is there anything you can do for them that would not involve being around those who are PG right now? For example, stuffing envelopes, filing paperwork, etc.? Just a thought.

It's not that woman's place to tell you what you are or are not ready for either...sorry that you are having to deal with that.

Meghan

lovepotato · 02-08-2006, 10:19 PM

I talked to my shrink, and he said all the same things.

The whole reason Iwanted to volunteer there is b/c my mom had me when she was young, and if she hadn't had help, I wouldn't be here. I wanted to return the favor.

The lady actually had the nerve to tell me that out of all the years she's worked there, she only seen one adoption between a volunteer and client. I didn't want to adopt one of their babies, I was doing it so they could keep them!!!!

I understand where she was coming from, but I was REALLY excited about working there, and I thought I could do it. Part of my problem is that I can't think of anything I'm good at, and I think I fail at everything. I really thought I could do this, and she told me I couldn't. I feel like such a loser. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I havve such a negative attitude toward myself anyways. I haven't decided what career I want, I don't drive, I suck at cleaning my house. It would be fine if my DH worked, and I was a homemaker, but I feel like I can't even do that.

This isn't just about getting turned down for volunteering. I feel like I'm not good at anything. I've been trying really hard for a long time, but my first instinct is to hate and doubt myself. I try convincing myself otherwise, but it's really really hard.

I felt like my life was finally starting when I was pg. I was so close too. Just 3 more months, and I would have had a purpose, and a reason to get up in the morning. Now he's gone, and I feel like every grasp I make at doing something worthwhile is taken away, or not right for me. I feel like I'm not good enough b/c I lost him.

I have no idea what to do with myself now. Tomorrow we find out if it was really ABS, and then we can think about trying again, or what to do if we can't.
I don't even know if I want to try again. I don't want another baby. I want Eric. I don't want to have to get attached to another baby. I feel like I could recognize his soul if it was around me, and I miss him so much. I don't miss being pg so much, but I miss having him around. I feel like since I gave birth, he should be here, and he's not. I don't want a baby that would be different from him, I want him.

Sorry this was so long, it doesn't even go into how I feel about her "advice."

saluki_fan · 02-09-2006, 04:17 AM

So sorry Lovepotato...I, for one, think you are very good at comforting others here on SC.

VivC · 02-10-2006, 12:28 AM

((Lovepotato)). I think you're an amazingly supportive woman. I wish the volunteer coordinator could see that. I had a thought - I know it's not exactly the same...do you have a no-kill animal shelter near you? I volunteer occasionally at the humane society, and I always leave feeling so much better!

Viv

lovepotato · 02-10-2006, 01:11 AM

Thanks for the encouragement, saluki!

That's a good idea Viv. The only one we have is like 40 miles away, and I don't have a car right now. But there is a nature reserve that's really close. We have an awesome park system in our area. I could do something with them. They help injured animals, and either try to get them back into the wild, or take keep them if they can be released.
I think school starts in mid-March. I can take a class, and then there's a week off, so I'll take a summer class. That'll at least keep me busy. I think I'll eventually get a part-time job. We need stuff. I have no clothes, and neither does my DH. It'll be good if I can buy us stuff. There's also community education classes at the local college.

My shrink says I never really jump into anything b/c I'll afraid I'll fail. So I'm going to try to do stuff that I'm good at. I'm going to enter a few photography contests in the area. I'll spring clean my house too. Even if it's not technically spring yet. Not like I'm good at cleaning, but my house really needs it. We have to move, and when we do, I can decorate the new place.

My dad fixes up houses and sells them for a living, and we were going to maybe buy the one he's working on now. Well, I asked if he could show me how to fix stuff, and his partner said "We only have professionals on our jobs." Like it's really that to fix a house. If an idiot like him can do it... So we're not getting one from him, and that's one less thing I can do.
I should go to school for something really "manly," like plumbing or auto repair or something. Really show 'em. I really like stuff like that.

I'm trying to be positive, but I'm instinctively down on myself. It takes a lot to like myself sometimes. I just deleted part of my post b/c it was negative.
I'm really trying. Hopefully one day I'll be happy with myself.

AvivaElona · 02-13-2006, 03:22 AM

Oh no, honey your loss is soooooo recent, please please try to be easier on yourself. I am sure you are getting pressure to be "all better" already, I don't know a woman who has lost a baby that hasn't, but really less than two months after your loss is so so soon, you have every right to still be feeling grief and loss and depression.

Quote:

This isn't just about getting turned down for volunteering. I feel like I'm not good at anything. I've been trying really hard for a long time, but my first instinct is to hate and doubt myself. I try convincing myself otherwise, but it's really really hard.

Yes it is, I'm here at this same place too, despite years of evidence that I'm good at many things. I think most people at one time or another do feel this way actually but it doesn't make it much easier knowing that. You know though, I think you are making amazing efforts doing the things you are doing. You are much much stronger than you know, 3 months after my loss I was still mostly catatonic.

Its ok not to do much right now, to realize that the primary thing you need to do is work on healing. And if what you want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep you have every right to do that. But if you do want to go forward I think taking a class is an excellent idea. Also, have you considered volunteering for the March of Dimes? They work at trying to find ways of helping find cures for birth defects and causes for prematurity. Lots of people who do work for them have lost babies and so they may be more understanding.

Hugs, I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure your little boy was just perfect.

Aviva