I hate being in the middle

Missyinbama · 06-10-2009, 05:34 PM

It feels like I have nothing to focus my attention on, I'm not pregnant , can't ttc anytime soon. I hate being here! I feel so blah and depressed. Its been a few weeks now, long enough for my friends and family to kind of forget how hard this is for me. Their life just moves on and mine doesn't!!!!! I'm here counting down days and weeks till I can ttc and then feeling guilty about feeling desperate to replace the baby I just lost.

harleymaggiemae · 06-10-2009, 05:40 PM

(((Hugs))) to you girl. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I think you are doing the right things right now by taking care of yourself, losing some weight, and exercising. That way when you can get back to ttc you will be in better shape than ever.

I've been unmedicated the last couple cycles as well (one on bcp and one natural) so I can relate. I hope time passes quickly for you so you can get back to ttc.

dstaiger · 06-10-2009, 06:07 PM

missy - i agree. THIS SUCKS!! everyone else has moved on and pretends like i was never pg, like my son never existed. in a way i guess i'm moving on (i haven't cried in three days - a record). i want so badly to be pregnant again and feel bad for not writing just now wanting to be pregnant still.
maybe i'm crazy, but when i was ttc i was obsessed about it, researching treatments and statistics, reading everything i should do when i got pg to have the healthiest pregnancy possible. when i was pg i obsessed about it. reading about what was developing and how big he was. i'd lay for an hour each night real still so i could feel the bubbles. now i'm neither. what should i do? hmmm.
i can start prometrium in 11days and clomid with the af that follows. i'm impatiently counting the days. i'm feeling guilty for moving on with my life. i wonder if i'll still get excited when i geta BFP after my losses.
i'll say it again - this sucks!!

AnotherDreamer · 06-10-2009, 07:28 PM

Sending you ladies some (*hugs*)

Missyinbama · 06-11-2009, 11:05 AM

Harley- I'm just trying everything in my power to give myself the best possible chance the next time. Its not like I couldn't stand to lose some no matter what. I don't think time could possibly move any slower!

Dianna- Yes, THIS SUCKS SO BAD. I still have atleast 2 months. Did they tell you to wait 3 months or 2? I was exactly the same way, reading, researching,counting down to RE and Ob appts. Which I had atleast once a week. I wonder how I will feel the next BFP. This last BFP despite my loss before that I was still more excited that I imagined I ever could be. I never had a real doubt. I bought a few things even though everyone told me to wait. But, I didn't want to be negative . The next one, I'm not so sure. I'm afraid I won't be a excited or positive because I know what the outcome could be. I just don't think I could emotionally handle a 3rd time.

Another- Thank you........

harleymaggiemae · 06-11-2009, 11:55 AM

Missy - I totally understand how you feel about the next bfp. I HATE that my blissful ignorance has been taken from me. After 2 miscarriages, I don't know how I'll feel next time. I know I can't help but be excited, but it will be very guarded. In some ways I think this mc was harder than the first. The first time you kinda think it's just bad luck. This time I was so convinced that would not happen to me again - then it did. I really started to question things.

I will be excited next bfp, but I will also be terrified. I have decided (though not sure I'll succeed) to not let it consume my life. I have to go on living, while caring for myself and the baby, but can't let it consume me. That's what hurts the most. So, until I am holding a baby in my arms, I can't let myself get excited. And I hate that I feel that way.

Missyinbama · 06-11-2009, 12:58 PM

Oh Harley, it's not fair we can't go out and buy stuff as soon as we know we're pregnant and scream it from the roof tops. Actually for some reason this one was not as hard as my first m/c. I was only 19 then and had NO idea about miscarriages, and PTL, PCOS,infertility, and stuff. In my mind, you got pregnant and in 9 months you had a baby. I had no complications in that pg till I went into labor. So I was totally caught off guard and devastated and SO depressed. This preg. I had all the facts, did my research I had to work hard for this one with the shots and having stupid follicles measured. I thought it would turn out different this time, but I think I was a teenie tiny bit prepared that it may not. I have my sad days but I don't cry as much as before. Is that weird? I just know that life can't keep being this hard!!!!!!!

dstaiger · 06-11-2009, 03:31 PM

my first m/c was eleven years ago, the baby never measured where it should have even though the sac did. i m/c in the first trimester. this time, after all the planning and tests and treatments, when we made it to the 2nd trimester i was thrilled! i did shout it from the rooftops. i was so shocked when i went into labor. i think knowing ahead of time all those years ago helped, the shock was the worst this time and i definitely took it harder.

now my maternity clothes and the onesies i bought are packed away and i'm wondering when i will be safe during pgy. is the third trimester safer? so i've been researching everything that can happen throughout the entire pregnancy. i'm basically scaring myself to death.

anyways - my re told me to wait 2 months to start ttc. 4/21 - 6/21. in ten days i can start prometrium.
i didn't have IC, just PTL so this time we will try progesterone shots. last time i was on suppositories until week 13, so this time i will swap those for the shots at the beginning of the 2nd tri.

did you do progesterone shots (17p) with this pregnancy?

Missyinbama · 06-11-2009, 04:54 PM

I was supposed to start the 17p shots the next week and then receive steroid shots a little later on. I have been tons of research too, have you seen the at home contraction monitors? When it detects a small contraction there is something you give yourself to stop the contraction? I can't really remember exactly what website it was on. There is so much they can do the next time. I'm not 100% sure mine was caused by IC both times. It may have been a factor, but PTL was more than likely in my mind the main cause. I want antibiotics and all kinds of stuff next time.

I like being prepared and knowing what all can happen during pregnancy, but like you I scare myself too. Just many what ifs!I'm jealous of everyone that never has to think these things and worry. Are you going to see a maternal/fetal specialist next time?

SheriKCMO · 06-11-2009, 09:42 PM

I'm so sorry this time is awful. I swear I aged a hundred years that six months post partum before I conceived Duncan. He literally saved my life. I hope you have a very happy ending to this wait. And again, I am very sorry for your losses and sorry that you don't have the support you need. (((Hugs)))

A local friend of mine is in the wait after a first trimester loss, and it kind of brings the whole thing back in a personal way. I hate that these things keep happening to women who want to be loving mothers!

dstaiger · 06-12-2009, 02:38 PM

missy - i've already had a consult with MFM. he wants to see me at 6 weeks as soon as my re confirms its a real pregnancy. i'll start immediately with suppositories and in the 2nd tri i go straight to shots. it's nice knowing i have a plan. i went for appt with both RE and MFM three weeks after i delivered. i still haven't called them back to get the results of my RL testing, i figure i'll see get those results when i go in for a follie scan. i'm not worried about it though as both drs agree my loss was only PTL.
i had not seen at home contraction monitors. i'm gonna look that up - thanks for the tip.
i also didn't even think of antibiotics as a preventative treatment. i'll ask MFM when i see him.
have you met with anyone for planning next time or to discuss autopsy results? Isaac was perfect except for the tiny thing. no physical or genetic mutations and the placenta was normal. i guess that was good news, but i didn't feel that way when MFM told me - it had only been three weeks.