So I had a good 3 weeks of bleeding, a few days of nothing, then what I thought was a week long period.
Now, here I am, not too long after, and I'm bleeding again. It started off spotting, now it looks like it'll be a full bleed by tomorrow. What the hell is going on with me??? I thought I was done with this sh!t...it's bad enough I'm STILL lactating (going on 1 year of that now), now I'm bleeding again? Gee, thanks body...I really needed yet another daily reminder of me not being pregnant anymore.
On another issue, I'm very sad. Someone I was good friends with online, she had her baby 2 weeks ago. She didn't have an easy pg, had a previous loss, too. She understood when I made a new livejournal, and told me she would be there if/when I was ready to come out of my little hole. I thought I was healing a bit, then a friend of mine posted how he just found out his wife was pregnant. *sigh* I had to remove him from my friends list, I couldn't read along with that.
Everyone is moving on in life, and having their dreams come true. Nothing has changed for me. I'm even farther from my dreams than I was before. I guess I would feel better now if I knew I could try again for another baby. But, kind of hard to do without a husband.
I'm just really upset about things. I'm finding it harder and harder to live in the real world. Everyone is getting so much in their lives, and I just have to sit back and watch while others keep on getting each thing that I've been hoping for. Why wasn't that me? Why was I punished not once, but twice? I could have dealt if I never was able to get pregnant. But I was pregnant, I had babies...and they were torn away from me. I had to let them go. They were real, not just dreams. Why?
*sigh* I just wish something good could happen for me. I keep waiting, and I know if I saw the chance, I'd jump on the opportunity to be happy. I'm open and ready for it to happen, anytime now. But I fear it won't.
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
{{HUGS}} I know what you're talking about, I've been there, too.
Don't give up hope. Grieve as you need to, but don't lose hope for the future. And know that you will always find a sympathetic ear (or 5 or 10 or 20) here. We understand.
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that if you've been strong enough to make it this far, you're strong enough to make it the rest of the way. I don't believe you were punished - that implies that losing your boys was your fault. And it WASN'T!
I wish you could get angry instead of being so sad. It's much healthier to blame God or the incompetent docs than yourself. After all, THEY were supposed to be in control of your situation.
All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. How are things going with your therapist?
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Therapy is just going. Not doing much yet. I think talking to a specific person I know helps. He always makes me smile, pisses me off with his stubborness, and teaches me about all the religious rules and laws I didn't know about.
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
I am sorry to hear your body is doing odd things. I have heard that putting raw, cold cabbage leaves (!!) will help slow down or stop the lactating. Does the hospital have a lactation consultant that can help with that situation?
Sounds like your friend is the best therapy for you right now. Hey, you have to take the support where you can get it. Is this the frum guy that you had mentioned on a previous thread? I do not know a lot about the Jewish religion but I think I will research what frum means, to learn more.
Renee, I believe that just living day by day, getting up and doing your thing, is part of moving forward. You were NOT being punished; we all know how badly you wanted your sons. This is not your fault.
Sorry about the bleeding... sounds like familiar wacky hormones. I hate that it is a reminder, like you said. Eventually, as you know, it will be over. I think it would be a lot easier to start healing emotionally if we could turn off all of the post-loss physical crap. A lot of us here hate our bodies, so you are certainly not alone!
As for other people getting the things in life you are missing, it's a really harsh reality. You are a strong woman, though, so I know that regardless of all of that stuff going on around you, your healing will go on. It's a long process, and you were still fresh in grief for Daniel when Ari was suddenly gone as well. You're doing double duty. It will take a long time, but you will find hope again. Everyone here is anxious for that day to come for you, but we need to be patient. Just keep working on your grief, and you'll get there. I still have plenty of days when I wonder why the world is still turning after such a terrible thing happened to my baby.
Hang in there, girlfriend.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Just to update, I just called and made an appt with a ob/gyn. I guess it's good the OB I saw was booked for a few months, since I'm slightly pissed at her about everything. So I am seeing someone else on the 11th. I just hope my bleeding stops by then.
I just don't look forward to going there. It's a woman's hospital, the outpatient clinic, right in the middle of all the OB and high-risk units there. I'll be surrounded by nothing but pregnant women. *sigh*
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
Renee - maybe if you explain your situation and that you do not care to sit in a waiting room surrounded by PG women, they will let you go back and wait for the OB in the exam room...that's definitely what I would prefer to do!
Not an option there. Usually you go from the main waiting room for registration (which is a BIG place, open room area, usually with about 50 pregnant/new moms), right to the unit you're going to, to that unit's small waiting room with up to 20 women, then wait there for 2 flipping hours to be seen Usually you're stuck in the waiting room until an exam room is avail..then you're in that exam room waiting even longer.
No, I don't plan on going there often. I think I'm just going to find out the results of things, ask for a rx for avandia and metformin (recently heard it's a good combo to help with weight loss, control PCOS, and be a little more gentle on tummy) and run out of there. I can get my refills from my PCP. I don't need an ob/gyn unless I'm pregnant again or have a problem.
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
I am so sorry that you are having a really tough time. My heart truly goes out to you.
I totally understand your feelings about being in a room full of pg women at the doc's office. When I went for my follow up appointment after I lost Matthew, I insisted on being seen first...or at the very least not to be in a room full of pg women. When they called someone in before me, i got all ticked with the reception area and made it known. I really didn't care what they thought because I felt at the very least, they could accomodate me. They quickly put me in a room.
All you can do is ask them if they will accomodate you...the worst they can say is no.
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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Renee, just in case, maybe you could ask for a little sensitivity? I'm sure that if there is ANYTHING they can do, they'll do it.
When I went in for my 2week PP visit, it was awful. Apparently, nobody noted my chart that Rivi had died, so I got on the scale and the PA said, "You had the baby! How is he?" Um...he DIED!
The waiting room was full of pregnant women, and of course they made me wait. There was one woman there who I chatted with while waiting. Her pregnancy was going to be high-risk...she'd had cervical biopsies and she'd had hypertension in a previous pregnancy (which ended too early for her son to live). I told her that I didn't think this doc was the right one, told her my story, and she was OUT of there! Made me feel good. I wish somebody had been there to warn me away from that quack at my first visit!
I hate my body, or does my body hate me? 
Eventually, as you know, it will be over. I think it would be a lot easier to start healing emotionally if we could turn off all of the post-loss physical crap. A lot of us here hate our bodies, so you are certainly not alone!
Usually you're stuck in the waiting room until an exam room is avail..then you're in that exam room waiting even longer.
