I honestly don't care..

jessnole · 08-09-2006, 02:10 PM

I honestly don't care about anything at this moment except my DH and getting pregnant again. I know in my head that this is so unhealthy, but I can't seem to get out of it! It's been almost 2 months since our loss and we're actively TTC again. Today I should have been 18 weeks pregnant. I started this cycle thinking "well, I probably won't get pregnant this time, but that's OK". Over the past 9 days, I have gotten more and more stressed out.

I'm doing my job but I really could care less about work. All I want to do is be pregnant again so that I can know that I'll be able to have a healthy child. I just don't think it will ever happen and I'm really struggling with depression (I think) at this point. Yet, I'm not willing to stop TTC because I feel like every cycle not TTC is a month wasted. I have the world's best DH, but he feels bad because he doesn't know how to help me through this.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 08-09-2006, 02:33 PM

Jess,
I don't think you're alone on this one. I think most of us have felt the same way. I think it's a part of grieving.

HopefulCyster · 08-09-2006, 05:23 PM

Jess, you have summed up EXACTLY what I am feeling and going through right now. Exactly, to the fact, and much better then I could have begun to explain. I am seriously depressed, all I can think about is getting pregnant again, and when I think it won't happen this cycle... I feel like I am suffocating and then I start crying.

I should have been 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant today... and all I can think about is how I would have done the nursery, the baby clothes I would have bought, brought home, lovingly washed in Deft, the rocking chair I would have bought to rock my baby to sleep in, all the wonderful things that expectant mothers should look forward to.... not the death of their child, their dreams and future, or if it will ever happen again.

***BUG HUGS SWEETIE*** You are so not alone in this. I am exactly where you are. I'd love to chat with you, PM me if you would like. Praying for you to feel better soon.

jessnole · 08-09-2006, 07:22 PM

Girls,
Thanks for helping me feel normal! I feel like a nutcase so much of the time because of this TTC thing. It really really really helps to know that others are feeling this way and I'm not totally insane!

Fee- DH and I actually went for grief counseling right after we lost the baby, but the counselor felt like we were OK and didn't really need a weekly counseling session. He was great.. he said he'd be available if we needed it but he felt like everything we were doing to grieve our loss was very appropriate and our marriage was strong, we were turning to each other, etc.. I honestly don't see what it could do.. I just feel like there's nothing anyone could say at this point that would make this better.

Thanks for your support.. you ladies are the best!

DeAnna_H · 08-09-2006, 10:34 PM

Jess I could have written that post myself in 2004 when I lost my little boy.I was like a crazy woman TTC after our loss.And DH was so good to me.I could'nt go anywhere without him,I just would cling to him.I quit my job.I just didnt have the heart to go back.I relived the day I lost him minute by minute everyday.I did go to grief counseling.We are lucky a hospital near us has a free early loss group that meets twice a month.They also have a memorial program that let us have a "funeral" service for Sammy.

Its okay to feel this way,but I will tell you it gets easier.You will NEVER forget but time makes it less painful.I know you cant even imagine it will but it does.

And there is hope.I got PG with Mikey 3 months after I lost Sammy.And Mikey was born on the same day I lost Sammy.I just know my little boy was there with me,he always is,watching over us.

After TTC for 10 years I got PG w/Sammy naturally.I conceived Mikey with herbs.Dont give up.

Maybe try another counsler,I still went to mine even after I was PG.And she was there when Mikey was born.
I dont know how religious you are but my faith really helped.There were so many women from our church that called or wrote letters telling me of there losses,some 50 or so years ago.

I wish you all the best and I pray you will be blessed with a happy and healthy baby SOON!!!

DeAnna

*SAHMommie* · 08-11-2006, 02:00 AM

(((hugs))) My heart is heavy for you because I know how you are feeling. It's tough to get outta bed some mornings...yet there are nights I can't sleep because I can't get the loss outta my head.
We started TTC right away...I think in ways-it helped because I put alot of energy into that...yet I am scared.
I think what you are feeling is completely normal & part of the process.
Take care of yourself & take it one day at a time.

ChocFish · 08-14-2006, 04:28 AM

Jess, I'm sorry I missed this thread earlier.

All I can say is that you are not a nutcase. I felt exactly as you do a couple of months after my loss. I agree with Gina, its part of the grief process. It may sound trite, but it does get better with time (if someone said that to me at the time I would have told them they were bonkers, but I can confirm its true). Its not that the loss is any less devastating, but that your spirit can handle it better.

(((Hugs)))

BTW, I think ttc makes a person a bit nutty generally. I know it does for me!