i just cant do this anymore

prunepie · 07-18-2003, 06:04 PM

i never cry alone.. but lately there is such a lump in my throat i cant handle it...

i feel so alone and scared and sick..

my story... my parents were both physically and mentally abusive. my mother was sick alot in her life and took to calling me a b*tch and that i never should have been born.. my teen years were a struggle and i eventually felt i coulndt take it anymore and reached outthrough friends. when i hit the age of 20 my life was looking so very up. i moved out of my parents home, was going to school had a great boyfriend or so i thought. then when i was 20 and a half i get a call that my mom is in the hospital, by the time i got there she was dead. no real explaination, but that her heart failed.
i moved home to be with my father. went through regular depression... 5 months later i woke up and found my father's dead body in his bedroom. he had a massive heart attack. at the time i was 20, my mom was 57 and my dad was 54. no siblings.

eventually after a couple years i moved to ohio to try to get to knwo my mothers family. dealign with panic and health problems. two cats died during this time also.
while i was there i got pregnant with a now exboyfriend... i was thrilled but he wasnt and i had an abortion.
it was the only thing that i felt was right at the time, but the tears..omg.

my mothers family..well...alot of dysfunction there..so i moved back cross country with that boyfriend. to a new town.i lived with him for two years. durning this time i had every possible problems with my health, but the minute drs found out about my family history and my parents death..they just tried to give me prozac.

well damn..hair on my stomach etc isnt depression.irreg periods arent just depression dammit!

2 weeks after bf and i went looking for engagement rings... he decided he didnt want to get married or have kids. maybe ever.

so i am alone again and moved back down to los angeles...

finally when i did i was dxd with pcos. and thanked god that a dr FINALLY found it..and i was so hopeful i would get better. but it didnt.

i met a wonderful man and we are living together now. and are planning to get maried and move to ny where he is from.
but i am still so sick and now diagnosed with not just pcos, but hypothyroid, anemia, low estrogen and progesterone and now being told my hormone levels are almost menopausal..i am 28. on top of that i have recurrent inner ear problems..that drs say are migraine related..but the vertigo only hits when i am congested.. and i basically feel hungover and dizzy and have vertigo... oh did i mention chronic epstein barr since i had mono at 11? oh and did i metion i just found out my mother never had periods and thats why she couldnt have me until she was 38 so apparently i inherited this.

a cousin died of herion overdose a few years ago... my fathers family fell off the face of the earth and wouldnt even come to his funeral.

i am just sooo overwhelmed... i fight and persevere... and believe in hope..but i am at my end.

i feel doomed to die early like my parents. and i dotn just have pcos , but all these other health problems. and now i might not be able to have kids... the fear i had when i had the abortion. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my parents for the abuse and then dying when i was so young. i hate that i cannot get better.
i do not understand hwo peoople love me and say i am smart and funny... because inside i feel that i am not worthy because i am so flawed.

its hard enough to deal with emotional issues and recovery, but to deal with so many health problems. being fat. and hairy.
i feel i have nothing to bring to a marriage but problems.

i have beenthrough much therapy .. and every time i start to feel better... something happens... i now understand that the hormones do not help at all to maintain a healthy mood.... been on all types of anti anxiety meds... and nothing worked..cept effexor but i tapered off and still and panic free.... i do not feel the depression is clinical, but situational andhormonal...

iam so sorry to vent and whine... but what can i do??? hwo much more can i take??
i feel so empty

xox jenn

Rebecca Penn · 07-18-2003, 07:05 PM

Jen,

If the Lord will bring you to it, He will bring you through it!!

You have been through alot and unfortunately life goes on and stuff keeps happening. It's how you choose to handle the stuff that matters.

People tell you you you are smart and funny and love you because you deserve it. You have done nothing wrong, you are not being punished. PCOS is not fun but it is not cancer or AIDS. Try to focus on what you do have and not what you don't. I know, easier said then done.

You can't worry about dying young like your parents. You have to focus on getting healthy. We are so lucky that we live in todays world with the advantages and technology we have. We have the internet so you will never have to face this disease alone.

Big {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}

All you can do is take it one day at a time.

Rebecca

*DannysMom* · 07-18-2003, 07:45 PM

WOW.....

You have been through so much in your short life! It's no wonder you are feeling so terrible!

We don't have control over many things in our lives. But you have a bit of knowledge to work with now with your diagnoses. Use it to your advantage. Take back control of your life by planning your strategy for recovery! We all have moments when we need to throw our hands up and just give up. Allow yourself to feel your sadness and frustration... and give yourself time! But also agree to start making some decisions to be proactive about all the crap that is going on in your life. You have some HUGE mountains to climb--- but you are a survivor from all appearances... and you WILL move on. You will work out a plan to reach all of your goals. Don't give up!
Karen

KatrinaAnne · 07-18-2003, 08:13 PM

*~Jenn~*

Oh my sweetheart, you have been through so much. I am so sorry that you have been going through so much...and that you are feeling so depressed. I will keep you in my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers. Never feel alone Jenn. We are here for you Jenn and so is God. Jenn we luv you!

Lendi · 07-18-2003, 10:34 PM

Jenn, it sure sounds as though you have went through a lot. BIG BIG HUGS Is your hypothyroidism under control? If not, it can lead to many of they symptoms that you have, including depression, screwed menstrual cycles. Add that to an already unbalanced hormonal system, well gosh no wonder you are feeling so sad and icky. With so much stress, you could also be dealing with adrenal burnout. You might consider having an early morning cortisol and DHEA check. In the meantime, I'd like to send positive vibes your way. Try some simple yoga for relaxation and to clear your brain or any exercise you enjoy. I hope your new relationship works out. You truly have paid your dues to society. You must remember that you are a good and worthy person. You have every right to be happy and healthy. Take care, pm or e-mail me if you are ever in need. Lendi

prunepie · 07-21-2003, 01:46 AM

i want to thankeveryone who responded to this post...
i was at the bottom of the barrel... and i think i am going to try talking to my therapist again.
i really do think hormones thyroid etcetcetc... really only exacerbates my depressed moments....

i really appreciate the kind words xoxoxo jenn

CathyWood · 07-21-2003, 02:07 AM

(((Prunepie))) i am sorry about all that. I would go talk to someone..no need to feel like that. You can change everything and not go down the same road. We are here for you.

DavisSR · 07-21-2003, 11:23 AM

First, I have to tell you that I absolutely love your "name" Prunepie. Everytime I read it I think that you must have the best sense of humor.

Second, I understand how low one can get and how things never seem to have a silver lining. I know, because I am there now.

Third, I want to say how sorry I am that you have gone through so much in such a short life.

I don't know what advice to offer you, but please know I understand all of the pain that you are going through with the various conditions. I'll be thinking of you and sending my positive thoughts your way.

Sheri

prunepie · 07-21-2003, 08:14 PM

you are soooo kind...my good wishes for you too xoxox jenn

cyster_sista_annie · 07-21-2003, 09:52 PM

Hi Jenn,
I am so sorry that you have endured so much. I have a similar story. I am from sydney Australia.

I have been drugged, I got hit across the head, by this guy who was completely out of control. My ex boyfriend raped me.
Lost a family member to kidney failure, My aunt was bashed up by a mental health patient she was treating, .And then I ended up having a terrible asthma attack. I passed out, a friend found me on the floor. The good thing was if it weren't for that, I would never have met my doctor at the ER who diagnosed me. My asthma and pcos is controlled now.

You said you felt that you couldn't bring anything to a marriage other than problems? THe truth is that the most important things that you can bring to a marriage is yourself and your love. If this person wants to marry you, then surely he must consider that you and your love are worth more to him than anyone else for the rest of his life.

The trouble with feeling not good enough for someone is that you end up hating yourself even more. Think of the reasons why he loves you. If you still have a problem understanding yourself and your personal worth, then improve the things that you feel you need to improve.

First things first!> Get your health under control. Start an exercise program for yourself and follow a strick GI diet. Research the desease. Get to understand all the hormonal interactions, it's complicated, but it explains so much!

Do every thing that is necessary for you to get well...and don't blame your body. The human body is a beautiful complicated resource. It's so complicated that things can go wrong. Particularly under the amount of stress that you are carrying. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!
But it is up to you to take control. With the weight of all you have been through, I understand that It seems impossible to get through and make your life better, or even to keep living. But I think you have a will to survive because you are here. Talking about the problem, making steps to make things better for yourself.
As for the problems with your family, pehaps it would be a good idea to get councilling and talk it through. You are probably suffering PTSS (post tramatic stress syndrome) It is normal to feel the symtoms of depression during or after a time of trauma. So this is also something you need to address.
My email is anneliese_platcher@hotmail.com
You're welcome to contact me if you ever need to talk.
You have my best wishes and prayers.
Anneliese xo

Lendi · 07-22-2003, 12:45 AM

Hi, just wondering how you're doing. Better I hope. Warm Smiles

Lendi

prunepie · 07-22-2003, 02:02 AM

thanks so much...
i am mentally feeling a bit better...its just so hard to juggle emotions, and health all at the same time... still so many things make me mad and my therapist once said certain forms of depression are anger related....so i am definately going to work on that..

i really appreciate everyone getting in touch with me..it makes me feel so much better xoxox jenn

RuthQ · 07-22-2003, 09:33 AM

Dear Prunepie
You are an exceptionally brave person who has been through such a lot. It's hard to feel good about yourself EVER when you've been emotionally abused and come from an insane family (as I do too) but you are better than they are, that's why you're feeling this pain. You naturally want what is good and fair and it's been kept from you.

I find it has helped to first feel anger against the people who abused me and then try to resolve that anger- to forgive- though that is a bl**dy long process and I do not think I have entirely succeeded....I know that when sudden death is involved it is even harder because that abusive person becomes frozen in time and your memory, and you can't have a proper dialogue with them.

As to PCOS- my theory is that it can be a response to emotional stress, particularly to direct attacks on self esteem (my mother also used to call me a useless b*tch, a waste of space and so on, and you start to really believe it don't you)- I think that I absorbed those feelings deep inside me and that they have made me ill. But that's just my pet idea. PCOS certainly exacerbates depression and feelings of low self esteem. As to the fertility issue- I too have had an abortion in the past and my PCOS symptoms actually started soon after that (the emotional impact on my body, I think!) I had a miscarriage after that which was attributed to PCOS, but the good news is that after lots of acupuncture, therapy etc I have become pregnant again and the baby is due in 2 weeks- so do not lose hope, because you have shown that you can conceive, and it WILL happen again.

I hope that you can find some peace to love and care for yourself as you deserve.

xxxRuth

Adoption Momma · 07-22-2003, 09:59 AM

Jenn,

Oh honey, if I was there I'd give you a {{{((((BIG HUG)))}}}

I'm 28. When I was 20 I had a bad case of mono and CMV. Man, that can attack you so much! I also have low-thyroid, PCOS, Sleep Apnea, allergies, yeast allergies, just to name a few. I know the first few years after I had the mono and CMV I had a lot of hormone problems and bouts with depression. I too felt I had nothing to contribute to a marriage or even to society.

Jenn, you are a strong person. If you weren't, you wouldn't be willing to share your experience with others and reach out for help and advice. Please, please, please - if you need to talk PM me or email me: mtbraddock@yahoo.com

I take lots of vitamins to help my immune system (which will always need extra help after mono/CMV), Glucophage XR for my PCOS, Synthroid for my thyroid, and I use a CPAP machine at night for my Sleep Apnea. I've learned that I AM BEAUTIFUL! Some people may not think so but I am created in the image of God and I know He is in control.

I think of life like a piece of cross-stitch. Have you ever seen the back of a cross-stitch picture? It's so ugly. Different colored strings tangled together, knotted, just doesn't make sense at all. To me, that's the part of life we see - the knots in the road, the tangled situations. But God sees the beautiful picture on the other side. Those knots and tangles don't make sense to me now, but I know they are part of a process to create a masterpiece.

I've been married almost 4 years. True love sees beyond the health problems. Have you ever been given a gift but refused to open it because of the wrapping paper? These bodies of ours - they're just the wrapping paper. The real gift is inside. Anybody who truly wants to know the extraordinary Jenn will see the treasure inside of you. And you know what? Even though you may see just old newspaper or brown paper and twine others see the prettiest package under the tree.

Keep us update. Let me know if you need to talk. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Tina