I just did something i probably should not have done yet....

CC81 · 07-08-2008, 02:08 PM

Its been a while since i have posted a thread here!.... heres my update-

DH sperm count is very bad at the moment. we had been told that the only way we could conceive right now is by doing ICSI. My dh has ulceretic colitus that reoccurs at any given time. He is on tons of meds to keep it in check. The meds are what have hurt his sperm count.

After much consideration... lots of heart to hearts and praying.. we have decided to go with a sperm donor... Not just for this baby but for all of our future children as well. My dh and myself have made the decision that we dont want to pass on his illness to our children or grandchildren. Most of his family have chrones or colitus or other types of IBD.

So we together chose a donor that we are both happy with. My husband actually got excited and got into the whole "chosing process". I let him make the ultimate decision on whom we used. He has been amazing throughout all of this. He is much more on board than i am. I am still having issues with the whole process. I am NOT against using donor sperm. I just (naturally) am coming to terms with it all and realizing that this donor is not my husband and essentially i am having a (biological) child with a stranger. How lucky am i that my amazing husband is going to be the father!!!

Long story short... i was online researching donor offspring and looking for books on how to talk to your children about it and i came across the donor sibling registry. Out of curiousity i typed in the donor number of the donor we have chosen and up popped up a posting from a woman who has just given birth in february to a little girl... using the same donor we are going to use. I know this is inevitable and that my children will have half siblings out there. But knowing it and seeing it are two different things. It shocked me. And bothered me a bit. i have 4 half brothers that i do not know. (i was not raised by my father) It just freaked me out a bit. MY husband called me from work to say hi and i was still sitting in front of the screen freaking out a bit and i told him what i found. He was calm.. he said to me that "it is what it is.." But he also said that freaks him out a bit too..

We plan on doing the IUI with donor sperm in August. I pray this works..

Yahtzee · 07-08-2008, 02:17 PM

I am sorry you're freaked out. I don't know much abut donors, but I just wanted to offer you my support.

juliann456 · 07-08-2008, 02:27 PM

Well has it bothered you that you have half siblings out there somewhere? I guess you could turn it around to a "see how special you are" kind of a thing when you explain it to your child. The truth is you will never know how many siblings there are, where they are, or who they are. I guess I don't really know anything about the condition that your husband has, but if it is really so bad that you don't want to risk passing it on, then you are doing the right thing. Maybe you could find a different donor, and try not to look that one up, then you might not be as wierded out by it.

Juliann

AnotherDreamer · 07-08-2008, 03:18 PM

I'm sorry you're in such a situation. Donor situations are always full of iffy areas, areas left to each individual couples beliefs.

With donor sperm/egg I think it's important to remember the difference between a parent and a biological donor. While they do provide the genes, it is you and your partner that supply them with the love and support, the life lessons they will need, and a safe home. They will have siblings out there, and maybe one day they will meet, but remember that those siblings also have their own family units as well. They have their own mother/father/brother/sister to grow close to. Your child will have it's own siblings, it's own family. And as I said, one day they may come together and meet with each other, but that is something that may have to be left to them. It's such an iffy territory.

I'm glad you and your DH have agreed on a path you both feel is right. And I hope you talk more of this later, and figure out how best to approach it with your children. (*hugs*) It's just such uncharted territory; it's still relatively new. Best of luck on your journey. I hope you get your little miracle and everything falls into place.

Stacey78 · 07-10-2008, 01:38 AM

We used a donor to conceive our 2nd daughter who is now 14 months old. I heard about that donor registery and I have decided to stay away from it for the very reason you mentioned....it just felt wierd. I know our donor was used for other pregnancies, however I don't know how many other children there are. I have seen a childhood photo of our donor, but have never seen an adult photo because it would just be too wierd. I have all the donor info for the day our daughter wants to know. If she chooses to search the donor registery, she has our permission, it's just not something I want to know at this point of her life or mine. If you have any questions, feel free to pm me!
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MahoganyJazz · 07-10-2008, 10:32 AM

If I were in your same situation, I'd make love to my DH before and after the donation if at all possible. I know it may sound crazy, but it would always make me feel as though it would be "our" biological child... I guess it's just a mind thing with me though.

CC81 · 07-10-2008, 10:40 AM

Thanks guys! I am doing much better now. I am starting to get passed the weirdness of that!! The IUI will be in august. Everyone please keep me in your thoughts! You all are always in mine.

sarahjean · 07-11-2008, 01:31 PM

Good luck CC81. I agree with Another Dreamer, the INTENT to make family makes a family, not a donor. I'm surprised there is even a website like the one you found, it makes NO sense to me at all. What's the point? Those kids aren't "siblings"!! Any other kids you have (donor or no donor) will be siblings. That's the way I look at it at least. Good luck to you, I hope you guys get your BFP in August!!!!
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MahoganyJazz · 07-11-2008, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahjean
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Good luck CC81. I agree with Another Dreamer, the INTENT to make family makes a family, not a donor. I'm surprised there is even a website like the one you found, it makes NO sense to me at all. What's the point? Those kids aren't "siblings"!! Any other kids you have (donor or no donor) will be siblings. That's the way I look at it at least. Good luck to you, I hope you guys get your BFP in August!!!!
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I think part of the intent of the site is to make sure none of the children end up hooking up with a sibling, and having an inbreed.

CRISTINACEC · 07-11-2008, 01:41 PM

I read an article the other day on the sibiling registry. Its mostly for the kids when they are older. Plus if they wanted to contact the donor when later on. Some of the parents joined and speak with other parents of the same donor on health issues with their child. Also talked about the kids simliaries in looks. Some parents have had their kids meet each other but did not tell them that they are related. The writer talked about her experience with her donor and children. I wish I can find the article for you it was on msn a few weeks ago.

sarahjean · 07-12-2008, 09:27 PM

Hmmm.... that does sound interesting. I suppose the issue of inbreeding is a good point too, but what are the odds? I just wouldn't want my child faced with those kind of decisions. And aren't donors supposed (want to be?) anonymous? Thanks for the clarification though!
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CC81 · 07-13-2008, 02:15 PM

all interesting points! i am slowly getting better with all of this.. i thank all of you for your inputs!

shorteelaw · 07-13-2008, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahjean
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Hmmm.... that does sound interesting. I suppose the issue of inbreeding is a good point too, but what are the odds? I just wouldn't want my child faced with those kind of decisions. And aren't donors supposed (want to be?) anonymous? Thanks for the clarification though!
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The odds aren't high; however, they are a possibility. There was a recent case where relatives married each other and had no idea.

I think the most important part of having those registries are for health reasons. When you and your DH are going through the process of TTC and decide to have genetic testing done, you get a head's up... however that's not always the case with sperm donors.