If you've read my rant, you know that my marriage is in serious trouble - on the brink of ending if hubby doesn't straighten out. And I don't know if he's going to.
I miss Rivi so much that I can't even explain it here.
I have no money, I'm fat, I'm hairy, and I'm stuck in a crapwork job with no possibility of promotion in sight.
I've been binge eating since Monday. Ice cream, then a small box of chocolates. Yesterday was a birthday here at work, and I ate two pieces of cake yesterday. Today I had two more. If there was any left, I'm sure I'd still be eating it! Now I'm eyeing the M&M jar...I ignored my slimfast shake that I brought for breakfast, and I had a cholesterol fest from the deli.
And I don't feel guilty. I just don't care. Part of me wishes I WOULD just die of a heart attack/stroke/diabetes/whatever. I can't kill myself, because there's no way to repent of suicide - so it's the one sin you can't be forgiven. Right now, it just doesn't seem like I'm ever going to feel better.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Sweetie, just hold on. Things should get better, just stay the course, and if you want to make a change in the way things are then it shall be your decision.
Things will get better, I promise! Sometimes we hit bumps in the road, but over those hills are happier times! If you need to talk we're all here for you (((((HUGS))))))
You are dealing with so much right now! It would be hard for anyone to go through half of what you have been through.
Have you sought any kind of counseling? I know you don't have money, but you could get free counseling from religious leaders or (in my county at least) free / low cost counselors at the County Mental Health Dept. (I think they charge based on ability to pay.) You need help shouldering your burdens. Please seek it!!
I never met your little boy, but I'm sure he's up in heaven rooting for his Mommy to feel better.
Viv, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been having a particularly difficult time lately, mostly due to my brother who is schizophrenic and refusing to take his meds. It's a real mess and I am scared to death we are going to lose him (if not through death, then through living in an institution or something). I don't mean to take over your thread, but this is the time that I am really just learning to lean on the Lord. DH and I haven't been attending church regularly in ages (in fact we went more before we were married and "living in sin" than now, ironically). But something happened to me the other night that I wanted to share with you.
I got home from work to a message on my answering machine. My mom was upset and crying because of this situation with my brother. I went up to change my clothes and I just said to God "I can't take this anymore." Between my parents getting divorced, my brother losing it, the death of my grandfather, and losing Gabriel, I'm just at about my wits end. I had this thought that I could pray, but I didn't know if I could trust God anymore (I remember that you went through this and now I am). So, I basically figured that I had two choices: pretend God doesn't exist, at least for now and stop worrying about my faith.... or I could just accept what was going on and lean on Him. Option #1 was pretty darn tempting, but I didn't like where that would probably lead (hell). Then I remembered that I had this book When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. I had bought it when I was having philosophical conversations about the problem of pain with DH.. a long time ago. But I never read it. I rationalized that I didn't need to - I already knew the answer to that question. Well, it's a totally different ball of wax when you're actually IN pain and suffering. The spiritual confusion is the worst. And despite the support group and talking about it on here, the spiritual dimension of my grief process was pretty much unaddressed. I've basically been trying to work it out on my own. I felt like I couldn't even pray. Why bother praying when God's just going to do what He wants anyway? I still don't fully understand that, but this book has really changed the way I view things. I feel like I am heading towards acceptance now, when I have felt no such thing for the past 9 months AT ALL.
Anyways, I don't know if I am really going to hold out and every day is a struggle, but I don't know how I would have made it through this week without prayer. Draw close to Him. Maybe find a women's Bible study. I'm telling MYSELF this as much as I'm trying to give advice to you because I feel like I really need help right now.
I'm sorry if I'm just projecting my feelings onto you, but it never hurts to encourage someone to seek the Lord in all of this mess. DH and I are praying together every night before bed now. You'll be in our prayers tonight.
Your cyster and sister in Christ,
Adrianne
(sorry if this is totally incoherent, as I am completely wiped out right now)
You have been through so much it is only natural for you to feel this way. If you didn't THEN I would wonder if something was wrong with you. Things will get better, I promise. Rivi wouldn't want you to join him until the time is right, and it is not that time yet. You are one of the kindest, sweetest cysters here and we all care about you very very much. Please do think of seeking counseling because your life is worth living to it's full potential!
If you need anything please ask. Keep us updated.
Heather
__________________ Heather 28
DH: Mike 30
DD: Hailey Susan
DX January 2002 through lap
Furbaby: Toby, my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
+HPT 4/7/04
Hailey Susan born December 12, 2004
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+HPT 10/10/06
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Don't give up! If you do that then your husband and your crazy mother-in-law win. You definitely have a right to be upset. You've had far more than your share to deal with, but we are all with you. Please look into counseling. I agree that you need someone to help you work though all that you've been through. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. It will get better! It's your turn for things to look up. We're willing to help you here as much as we can.
Viv, I don't know what we'd do without you. You are there suffering and feeling lost and alone, yet here you are such a souce of inspiration and caring for so many. You make us feel we are not alone. From my first day here at SC you stuck out of the crowd like a shining beacon of light. There is a light in you that can not be burned out despite all the suffering you are experiencing. You are truely an amazing person and I am so happy to have met you, even if just on a message board. You have no idea how much you have meant to soooo many cysters. We truely love you.
Thank you, gals. I should have said that I AM in therapy...it's just that one hour a week doesn't seem to do much sometimes. I'm usually okay, it's just really, really hard to deal with hubby on top of everything else. I lost my dad, grandma and Rivi within a two-year span.
I go to Sunday services now, but no bible study. I need to see if my church even offers one - I'm thinking they probably do. When I was going through the reaffirmation process, we had Saturday morning study sessions, and they helped me so much. Just discussing different topics helped.
I just have a major case of the blahs, and I can't pull myself out.
have you talked to your doc about maybe some depression meds or anxiety meds to help you through this time?
There is no need to live like that, I learned that the hard way.
(((((hugs)))))
__________________ DX: Sept/03 Me 31 & DH 35 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
PCOS:Metformin 1500mgs daily(Oct/03). Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar Type II: Effexor 225 mgs, .5mgs clonazapam, and 900mgs Lithium daily. litebook therapy(Dec/04). Meniere's Disease: To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 16mgs Serc and 10-20mgs Metoclop
Pink, my therapist is a social worker, so she can't prescribe. But if I don't perk up soon, I think I'm going to ask my regular doc. I'm just tired of being so freaking depressed all of the time.
For me it felt so good to go to a doc and get it all out and start on some meds, kinda light a fresh start and a new beginning!
(((((hugs)))))
__________________ DX: Sept/03 Me 31 & DH 35 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
PCOS:Metformin 1500mgs daily(Oct/03). Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar Type II: Effexor 225 mgs, .5mgs clonazapam, and 900mgs Lithium daily. litebook therapy(Dec/04). Meniere's Disease: To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 16mgs Serc and 10-20mgs Metoclop
I just don't care 
