I just don't know what to do (long)

ReneeBeth · 09-20-2005, 06:13 PM

This is a entry to my livejournal I just did. Now, there i rarely talk about Daniel and Ari because some people aren't comfortable reading about it.
But to add to my entry, I love my boys and miss them dearly, but when I think of them, and how everyone tells me they'd want me to be happy...right now, I'm not happy. I want to be happy, I want to move on to the point where I can remember them and feel the love, not cry my eyes out and wish I was dead. I want a better life, I want them to be proud of me...to be happy because I'm happy.

-----followed is my entry------

I am just so...f#cking stressed and confused right now.

I don't know what the f#ck to do.

Ok. Simple fact: I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM PITTSBURGH ASAP!
I am living in a house where I have horrible memories.
I am stuck going to the same Dr's and hospital that are doing SH!T to help me. I need better healthcare, more choices/options, which I can't get here.

So I want to move. Yes, move closer to Nick. I hate not being able to see him much. I really do. I miss him all the time, and whenever I'm with him, I'm just so happy and content.

So I'm looking at a few places by him, all w/in 45min. One place sounds perfect, so I think it'll be the winner. It's in Easton, PA. So since it's in PA, it won't be such a headache to deal with my social security payments. I think all I'd need to do is change my addy, and get a different medicaid insurance and that's it. (versus moving out of state, which would be a headache). Easton is about 10-20min away from Nick, so I'd be very close. It's safe, quiet, nice.
I'd be renting the 2 bedrooms in a big (5 bedroom) house. So I'd have 2 bedrooms on the 2nd floor (one will be my bedroom, the other a mini livingroom or something). The rest of the house I can use, too, aside from the 3rd floor. The 3rd floor is where the guy (yes, guy, older, 50 years old) has his own bedroom and bathroom. He said he never goes on the 2nd floor, so I'd have my privacy there. There's a nice kitchen, livingroom, dining room and such we'd share. I'd have my own bathroom. He doesn't mind me bringing the cats. The rent, which includes utilities, will be $400-500 (have to negotiate this with him).
Now, considering if I pay $400 a month to live there, that would leave me almost $200 extra to go towards anything else I might need. This does NOT include food since i'm on the foodstamp program, which gives me enough to buy my food and doesn't come out of my normal budget.

So, I'd be living in a nice area, in a big house, still have my kitties, really close to Nick, and within 3 hours of me would be about 20 major hospitals to choose from and loads of good doctors (since I'd be near Philly, NJ and NY).

Now, downsides: What if things with Nick and I don't work out? What if I need help, which my mom currently helps me with? Blah blah, the negatives and such should be obvious.

I don't want to have help from my mom anymore. Despite my disabilities, and how yes, I sometimes need help, I need to learn to rely on myself and the services that are available to me. I want to be on my own. I mean, really be out on my own. No more family to help OR bug me. My decisions, my choices, nobody else would have a say in things in my life anymore.

But still, there it is slightly risky, scary, odd. I don't know what to do.
I want to move, but I also want everything to work out. But this is MY life we're talking about here, nothing seems to go well for me

Staying here isn't doing me much good, not healing, not moving on. I want to move on, I want to start a new life, and leave my past behind me.

My family is constantly telling me how bad of a idea this is, it'll never work. Nick loves the idea, is happy as can be, but he also reminds me how he's not ready to live with me, and he doesn't know what the future holds, only that he hopes we'll be together and be married one day.

Money is part of the problem, yes I need more of it...now. But even money wouldn't solve my dilemma right now. I just don't know what to do.
Why can't anything be easy? why can't things go well? Why can't I know what the future will hold based on the decisions I make?

*sigh*

DiamondInTheRough · 09-20-2005, 08:20 PM

Sounds like you're really bummed out. I'm sorry to see that. I hope whatever you decide, you leave yourself with options if things don't go well. I know what it feels like to want to escape. Sometimes we just have to hit the stop button and remind ourselves that what we think we want, isn't always what we need. Bad memories will stick with us wherever we are, even if the walls around us are different. Best wishes with your decision.

Take care

Reebekah · 09-20-2005, 09:05 PM

I'm not going to try to tell you what I think you should do....because I dont know the answer....and even if I did, I think you are going to do what you want to do anyway. A few questions though: 1)I guess Nick is talking to you now? 2)How do you feel about sharing common space with a stranger? 3)Would the stranger have access to go through your things when you arent there? 4)How will you get around with no car? 5)Will your health insurance cover NJ and NY (its probably PA insurance, right?) 6)Is there any way you can work part time doing something to earn a little extra money or something?
I think you have lots of things to think about before making a decision.

ReneeBeth · 09-20-2005, 10:12 PM

First, a few things have worked out.
My dad just fully paid for 6 months of car insurance for me, and I get the title transfered to my name tomorrow. So, I have a car. Nick wasn't talking to me for a week because he had a 103 fever, and basically slept for a week straight. He apologized many times for that, too..so I understand that.
The guy I'm renting (hopefully) the place from works all day, and is away on weekends. I, however, am always home. Not to mention, LET HIM look through my things. I have nothing of any value, so what the hell do I care? Nick doesn't mind if I lived there, cuz this is a older guy as I said, fatherly, and well...Nick doesn't worry as he would if I were to live with a 20something year old guy lol. I don't mind sharing, esp since I said, the guy I'd be with is not home much. I'd have the 2nd floor to myself, so if I don't want to see him, I don't have to.
As for insurance, I don't know yet. Right now I have UPMC for you, and I think that's pittsburgh only. So i don't know what insurance I'd get through medicaid there. I know that my insurance now will cover me anywhere as long as anywhere takes it. So at least I'll have time to work out the medicaid issue. I guess I'll have to find out about insurance, usually you have 3-4 to choose from through medicaid, so maybe there is one that has a wide area of services.

and I can work part time, if physically I'm able to, and if I get paid under the table. I think I might just find some small odd jobs, like dog sitting and helping people with computers and such. Little things like that. Maybe sell the hand-made picture frames I used to make, since I could get the wood for free there and profit from it.

Amazingly, suddenly things are looking a bit better.
Tomorrow morning, I go with my step-dad to transfer the title of the car. From there, I drive my 5 hours to NJ. I see Nick, be happy, then we go check out this place for rent. Meet the guy, get the feel for the place, he invited us to dinner so we'll have dinner there. He agreed to give me his license to look at, incase I want to get a background check on HIM to make sure he's not some criminal or something

so that at least is comforting to know. Umm, what else?

Sad thing, while I'm in NJ, my mom is coming over to take Missy, my 19 year old, to take her to the vet to be put to sleep

I can't be around when she does this, or I'll change my mind. But I know it needs to be done

I'm just so sad and feel guilty about it. But it's for the best, and I know this.

Also, I talked to my dad. He said he'll be there for me, in any way, so I'll always have some support. Nick and I both have social anxiety disorder, so he has agreed to go out with me to places and attempt to meet new people and make some friends. So hopefully, I'll be able to make some friends there so it's not just Nick.

Things suddenly started working out a bit better. It's weird how much difference a few hours, and a few phone calls, can make.

SheriKCMO · 09-21-2005, 12:38 PM

i think it sounds like a good fresh start. i definitely encourage you to put up some posters advertising computer help. people constantly need this and pay cash. i'll look forward to an update about your decision and hope it works out really well.

sorry about missy. i wish that we treated humans with the same dignity when it is our time to go. you are doing the right thing, though i know it is never easy. ((hugs))

Pamela · 09-21-2005, 12:46 PM

Wow Renee. Sorry about Missy, but in the end you are doing the right thing. If you are miserable where you are, then maybe it's time to start fresh. I hope it all works out for you. Too bad we can't see into our future. That might make things easier for you. I hope you get everything figured out !!!

Aprile78 · 09-28-2005, 01:19 PM

I'm thinking of you Renee - I hope everything works out for the best and you get to go to a new dr's office.

VivC · 09-28-2005, 03:09 PM

((Renee)). I'm so glad to hear hope in your voice! This sounds like it may be the best move. Make sure you send me your new address/phone number, though! I need to be able to stalk you, after all, LOL!

Viv

Aprile78 · 09-28-2005, 04:40 PM

Me too!