I don't know where to start... except that my heart is breaking. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant, but I was feeling different. My stomach was upset and I just felt... different. I planned on waiting a few days and taking a hpt, just in case. A few days later, before I took a test, I started to cramp pretty badly. Then, I started spotting. The cramps started getting worse and I began to bleed. DF took me to the hospital and early Sunday, I lost our baby. They told me I was about 3 1/2 weeks. It hurts to not even know you are pregnant and then lose the baby. My stomach still hurts and I'm kinda sore and still bleeding. Everything just seems to make me cry. I finally made myself get up and get on SC to try to feel better. I tried to moderate my forums, but I just don't have it in me... I feel like I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I don't feel like I want to even have a baby now. I've already lost two and I don't want to risk the loss of any more. It's not fair and I'm so sad. I'm just going to go back to bed.
__________________ Me - 28
"Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand, yet let that be which the eye fears, when it is done, to see."
"I've tried to get away from it all, but I've failed, for I've come to see... although much I find, I can leave behind, I can't get away from me."
((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Right now sleep is probably the best thing right now. (If you can!) Cry and get it all out. I am so sorry.
__________________
Sarah (24) DH Mike (25)
1st M/C 08-02-02 CMP To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Now on Paxil 37.5, Avandia 8mg, and 1500mg XR
TTC again To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Thank you cysters for the kind words and compassion. MaLee, you are right, it's pretty hard to sleep. I just lay there awake for the most part. KlassicalKat, I always feel your compassion and wisdom and to know you are thinking of me makes me feel better. Tweety, it's the small things that touch a person and the fact that you remembered me and sent hugs is warming. Thanks so much. I have been trying to write poetry as an expression of my pain, which is what I normally do. I thought I would share what I just wrote. Thank you all again for being there.
My precious baby
you left too soon
I didn’t have a chance
to hold you
kiss and hug you
look into your eyes
smile at you
care for you you
watch you grow
see you play
change before my eyes.
My precious baby
how I wish I had a chance to
say I love you
give you a shoulder to cry on
support you
help you
teach you
guide you
encourage you
give advice
and lend an ear.
My precious baby
I will forever hold you
if not in my arms
in my heart
and you will be missed
and remembered
and loved
always.
__________________ Me - 28
"Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand, yet let that be which the eye fears, when it is done, to see."
"I've tried to get away from it all, but I've failed, for I've come to see... although much I find, I can leave behind, I can't get away from me."
Thank you for the replies Tracy and Staciie. It really does help, having the support here. I know sometimes I can just be too much emotion for DF to handle. But I am actually feeling better today. I still find myself having crying spurts out of the blue, but I don't feel like I want to just lay in bed and cry anymore. I want to be on SC and try to start getting back to normal. I am sad because of my loss, but I must go on. Life doesn't stop when you're heart has broken. I really do thank all of my cysters for their kindness and support. You have made all the difference in the world. ((((hugs)))) to all of you.
__________________ Me - 28
"Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand, yet let that be which the eye fears, when it is done, to see."
"I've tried to get away from it all, but I've failed, for I've come to see... although much I find, I can leave behind, I can't get away from me."
As I sit and gaze out the window,
I wonder where you are?
I never heard your foot steps,
And I never saw you grow.
I sit and wonder where you might be today,
What you would of done with your life.
You are singing with the angels now.
I wanted to watch you grow,
And hold you close to me.
I wanted to watch you grow,
And see you got to school that first day.
Just to hear your voice speak to me.
I wanted to see you smile each Christmas,
And watch you blow out your candles each birthday.
I wanted to see you go out on your first date,
And marry your true love.
To have a family just like everyone else.
Oh I sit and wonder about all these things,
The biggest thing is you are not here.
But you are always in my heart.
And I hold a special love for you!
By Mary P.
I hope this doesn't make things worse - I just think that as you like poetry you may find comfort in someone elses words too.
fee
__________________ Age 31 - textbook case, no meds right now but have tried Diannette (for 8 years -great but weight and blood pressure went up) and Metformin (didn't agree with me). hoping to start Clomid within the next few months. No period since September '02 - Hormones and moods are going haywire!
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My heart is breaking for you! I read your post and immediately broke down into tears. I am so very sorry for your loss.(((HUGS)))
I had no idea and then I came here two days later and I am just beside myself with grief. I know exactly how you feel. I have had 3 losses and it never ever gets easier to accept. I took about three months and walked away from SC. Everyone understood. This is your time to deal with the grief and take care of yourself. Don't you worry about anything. We will all rally around to help in anyway we can. Everyone did it for me. it is the very least I can do in return. You can pm me anytime if you need to talk. I am here for you. And I really do mean that.
I am facing an important decision whether to go through FET and I'm so schizophrenic about trying to get pg again that I am making myself sick over it. Please know how truly sorry I am for your loss and know I am here for you.
Thank you Fiona for the poem. It didn't make anything worse, it is beautiful and heartfelt and captures the moment. Cystermoon, I am sorry for your losses and hope everything works out and you can conceive. I was thinking of taking some time away from the boards, but I don't think that would be best for me. I have a problem with fits of depression and without something to snap my mind, I fear I might head down that path again. I think for me, SC is the best thing. It gives me the support and help that I need to deal with this and move on. It is not easy, but sometimes your strenght and will are tested... a lot I think with having PCOS, but I've won before and I'm going to win again. DF and I had a long talk yesterday and I'm not giving up on having a child. I want my baby and one of these days, I'm going to have it. If I didn't have the love from DF and my cysters, I fear I would go mad. But what else are women w/ PCOS but fighters, winners and survivors?!
__________________ Me - 28
"Stars, hide your fires; let not light see my black and deep desires. The eye wink at the hand, yet let that be which the eye fears, when it is done, to see."
"I've tried to get away from it all, but I've failed, for I've come to see... although much I find, I can leave behind, I can't get away from me."
I just lost our baby 
