i just need to get this out, sorry

nellie · 06-25-2003, 05:24 PM

god ladies, i have no idea where to start. ok, been off my work for 2 1/2 months with depression. mixture of things have brought me to be this low, mainly health and issues with my love life. but anyway, i decided last week that i was starting to feel so much better. i even came off the anti-depressants so that i could start a weight loss pill as the two can't be mixed. my doc and me felt this would be okay as they weren't really having a major effect on me anyway and i said that if i was to lose weight, that in itself would help me feel better. so i started my pills on monday. my niece got infected with chicken pox a few weeks ago and on monday morning the spots had started to appear so i told my sister rather than her struggle and get the day off and lose money, as i was off anyway, i didn't mind looking after her. this child is such an amazing wee girl. even when she is ill she is such a gem to look after. very rarely any trouble. my dad just so happened to be on rest days as he works shifts so he was at home too but he decided that he would keep out my road so i could experience looking after her on my own.

monday was a bit of a trying day. she wanted to test me to see how far she could take me but to be honest, she wasn't any hassle. tuesday was a much better day. she ate all her food and we both had a wee nap in the afternoon. i was keep busy the two days so i didn't get a minute to think about how i was feeling. adrenalin i guess. today (wednesday) her dad had the docs so he looked after her for the day. i had the whole day to myself. wrong thing to do. i started to think! me and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years split in april, and my heart was completely broken. i know i am young still but we both agreed that this was the real thing and we both fell deeply in love. i am a very private person and find it very difficult to let my barrier down. but for him it was easy. that's how i knew/know it was true love. some of you are probably reading this thinking, "put it down to experience and stop being daft" and i know you are right but its still heartbreaking.

truth is i'm feeling really down again today. meant to be back at work on monday and i really can't face it. i even got my mum to tell my sis that i am not up to having melissa the rest of the week. my sis of course went crazy saying that i will just have to have her coz neither her or her husband can take time off work. eh, i'm sorry, correct me if i'm wrong but is this little girl not HER daughter??? and does she not understand that i am still recovering, or at least trying to recover from depression?? yes, i told her i would look after her, and i would if it wasn't for this low feeling. i CAN cope, i just feel i can't give her the attention she requires while i am feeling like this.

when my mum came off the phone i broke down with her and my dad. they told me its k if i can't cope coz i am onyl 21 and not responsible for a child. maybe if i wasn't so broody, maybe that comment wouldn't have bothered me, but it did. daft as it may be, i have had unprotected sex since the age of 15. never once fell pregnant. that plays on my mind CONSTANTLY as i am soooo scared it might never happen for me. i can cope with melissa, i can. it hurts that they don't have faith in me. my sis told my mum she didn't trust me with her in the first place but let me look after her as i was the "only option".

i didn't tell my mum and dad how bad i am feeling again as they didn't understand the first time around.

i really don't feel ready to go back to work yet but i'm scared that because i have told them i will go back on monday, i am scared for my job.

i'm sorry for this very very long post but i had to get get it all out. x

SheriKCMO · 06-26-2003, 01:47 AM

Nelli,
I'm sorry things are not going well right now. Are the diet pills effecting your moods? Is it possible that you need the antidepressants more than you thought, or is this just a low moment? I hope that you have an interest in getting out there into the world again. Work can sometimes be a good distraction. I also think that building some new friendships would be good, especially if you find some interesting guys.
Best wishes,
Sheri

amshum · 06-26-2003, 02:40 AM

I am so sorry you're going through this rough patch. I too know how it feels to be so down you don't want to go to work. Fortunately for me, on the days I can't get out of bed, I am able to stay home. My boss is my uncle, so it works out brilliantly. And, most of the time, when things need to get done, I am able to do them from home. Is that an option for you? Maybe find a job you can do from home?

Your sister just doesn't understand depression. People who have never been in those depths just can't understand how it affects a person. It takes away so much of you, to where you can't even move at times, and its very hard to fight.

I was on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds for a long time, and it honestly made me worse. I felt sick all the time, even more lethargic than I am now, and most of the time I was not able to get off the sofa. I didn't go in to work for months, and finally decided I couldn't live like that anymore. They switched my meds around for months, adding and subtracting this that and the other, and every combination made things worse for me. Finally, I just got off of them, and I feel better and am able to do more things. But, yes I'm still depressed, but atleast I'm somewhat functioning.

I know everyone says it, but the only thing that’s helped me come up and out of it is exercise. Two benefits, you lose weight quicker and it helps your emotional state. I don’t know why it does, other than maybe you feel better because you accomplished something?

Good luck and know you’re not alone, Nellie. I hope for better days for you!