I'll never get over it (rant)

GabrielsMom · 11-28-2005, 05:13 AM

First of all, I am ranting on this board because I am upset. Do not tactlessly start a debate with me. If you can't say something supportive to me, don't say anything at all.

That said....

I will never get over it. I will never ever ever think that losing my son was in some cosmic scheme a "good thing." I am a Christian and believe in Jesus Christ and I believe that He loves me and died for me. BUT that does not mean that I believe that taking my son away from me will ever be a good thing. I don't care what I do for the rest of my life. I don't care if he would have been sick or diseased or anything else. I will ALWAYS want my son back. This does not make me a weak person! I believe that God can bring good things out of suffering and tragedy. He does it all the time. I just got back from hurricane cleanup in Mississippi, and everything I saw down there just proves it to me again - He brings good things from tragedy. But will I ever be glad that Hurricane Katrina hit?? Banish the thought! That would be SICK. People DIED. Animals DIED. People lost everything they spent their lives working hard for.

And my son DIED. That will never ever be a good thing. Anyone who dares tell me that I am not a strong person because this will ALWAYS hurt is likely to suffer the wrath of both me and my husband. I'm sorry but I feel very strongly about this.

Last week on Gabriel's birthday, a woman who had a stillborn child at 6 months told me that, 15 years later, she thinks it was "for the best." And she talked about all the things she couldn't have done if she had had a child. THINGS she couldn't have done?!?!? Oh gee, I didn't know that losing a child's life was worth it just so she could experience more out of life! That makes me want to vomit. And to have her tell me these things like I am a weaker person because I don't just "get over it" made me so angry I could hardly speak. Maybe she just tells herself these things so it doesn't hurt so much... I don't know. But if she really believes that, I feel sorry for her.

All week I've been trying not to cry... not to be upset. But that only made me feel extremely depressed and cranky. Heck, that's probably why I had to post this rant to begin with. I guess I just hate what people say... that I'm not allowed to grieve for my son.

Someone in my support group told me that she wishes she could invent the "empathy gun." You point it at someone and BAM, they feel exactly like you do... so they know how it feels. I feel this burden to educate people, but I get too frustrated with people who just don't give a rat's ass.

/rant

Torie · 11-28-2005, 05:24 AM

I'm in shock that anyone would say something like that. I don't get it. Nothing good could come of it. It's one thing to say how different your life is/was but to say that because of a child's death your life has bettered or it's for the best that a child died is just astonishing to me.

I'm still so sorry for your loss. I know you'd give anything in the world to have your son back. You're a wonderful mom for that.

enits · 11-28-2005, 05:59 AM

(((hugs)))) I know how you feel.

You are allowed to grieve for your son. I think for those of us who experienced this kind of loss will forever grieve. There will be good days and there will be bad days. I don't think there's ever getting over "it" either. We keep the memories and then make some new ones, hopefully, good ones, too.

XicaChica · 11-28-2005, 06:45 AM

You took the words right out of my mouth. I hate it when people tell me it was for the best and I could always have another one. Wow, I wonder how they would feel if I told them that if their puppy died suddenly with no explanation. "oh your puppy died and it was for the best. Good wanted that for you. Cheer up, just get another one." People would freak out. So why is it ok to say that to someone who lost their baby? People are so disrespectful at times.
When people tell me that I lost my baby because God wanted it that way, I respond "I'm sorry, I dont believe in that. I dont think God purposefully took away my baby to make me suffer and make me stronger."

skyler · 11-28-2005, 07:06 AM

(((((hugs))))))

You said everything I have thought many times before.

jlbrown122 · 11-28-2005, 09:59 AM

{{{HUGS}}} I feel 100% the same exact way!

SheriKCMO · 11-28-2005, 06:16 PM

If that woman's mother died, no one would ask her to forget that she had ever had a mother or tell her that she shouldn't grieve and find meaningful ways to share her mother's story with others. Blech to the whole thing.

I won't be "getting over" the fact that I went through the worst thing imaginable either. Someone would have some major black emptiness in their heart if they could look at their child's face and say goodbye without pain. Shame on everyone who suggests trying to get over this.

(((Adrianne)))

TurtleLove · 11-28-2005, 07:25 PM

hugs...i agree as well...shame on people like that

saluki_fan · 11-28-2005, 08:39 PM

to you Adrianne. I feel so bad for what you are going through.

People still tell me that my losses were most likely "for the best" because "something must have been wrong with the babies." Before I knew about the APS, I would just take that in and remind myself "They are stupid." NOW I know that chances are the babies were just fine and my body / blood literally KILLED them, and I don't hesitate to say that. But they still...just...don't...get...it...they just cannot comprehend how inefficient human reproduction is, because THEY had it so easy, or aren't at that stage in their lives yet.

I don't think a "good mom" would EVER get over the loss of a child. I like to think of myself as a "good daughter" and I KNOW I would NEVER get over the loss of my mom or dad (luckily I still have both parents.) I would move on, because I had no choice, but I would NEVER forget and NEVER stop missing them. Why are we, those who have lost pregnancies, expected to act any differently?

You grieve, rant, rave, and "talk" all you want here, we are all here to listen. I can't believe anyone would even consider debating with you over this kind of thing.

Another

for good measure.

Meghan

GabrielsMom · 11-28-2005, 09:00 PM

I knew I could count on you all! I'm feeling much better today, but I guess I'll still have bouts of anger every now and then... not really so much because of the grief but because of how other people react to grieving. I wish I could just NOT CARE what other people say and think, especially if they are loonies. But I think you all understand how hard that is, especially when other people make you feel like you are crazy yourself and you just feel so alone. I thank God for all of you. I learned on my trip that not everyone is so supportive (even if they are doing something for charity....) Your words of comfort mean so much to me and have meant so much to me over the past year. Maybe I will eventually learn to ignore and discount those who are not supportive.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-28-2005, 09:33 PM

Oh Adrianne, I'm so sorry you have to deal with idiots like that. I do understand I recently spoke to a former teacher of mine from High School. She was our health teacher so I gave her credit for understanding the biology part of conception and pregnancy. We discussed my IC many times and she told me everything she knew about it. So why would she suggestthat I seek genetic counseling now to "have them take your DNA and your husbands and look at it, to see what's wrong with it." What does IC have to do with my DNA? Nothing! My third loss was due to a chromosome abnormality, not my or DH's DNA. How Stupid!
No one listens to the fact that all though unfortunate, the circumstances were different between the first two and the third pregnancy.

Everyone tells you it for the better, but they just don't understand, and they never will unless they walk a mile in our shoes, and I wouldn't want anybody to have to wear these shoes ever.

saluki_fan · 11-28-2005, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Everyone tells you it for the better, but they just don't understand, and they never will unless they walk a mile in our shoes, and I wouldn't want anybody to have to wear these shoes ever.

I wouldn't wish the shoes on either.

I would, however, wish for them to get SLAMMED with the empathy gun.

Pamela · 11-28-2005, 10:18 PM

It's NOT for the better to lose a child and you shouldn't have to "get over it"!!!
We all understand and are here for you.
((hugs)) to you Adrianne.

Rozlynn · 11-28-2005, 10:24 PM

Just wanted to send you some Hugs

and I'm sorry for your loss

jlbrown122 · 11-28-2005, 10:35 PM

I hate, hate, hate hearing someone say how it was for the best, God's will, etc. regarding the death of a baby. Another thing that really makes me mad is when someone says "something was probably wrong with it, that's why it died". I just say that I would have loved my baby no matter what, even if she were not perfect. I can't imagine going up to someone that has a child that has something wrong with him or her and saying how it would have been better if their child had died. What morons some people are!