I'm feeling sad right now. (Baby mentioned)

LaurAnnHere · 10-14-2005, 05:44 AM

I wanted to talk to someone about this, but didn't know where to post it. Nobody seems to understand why I'm so down lately. The truth is that I feel like I'm losing faith in God. I'm trying so hard to keep praying. I feel scared that if I lose faith in God he might get mad and take Jamie away from me or something. It's just that so many babies are dying. I can't understand how a loving and all powerful God can let this happen. Why must we suffer so much? I know so many people who don't want or love their children. My own brother doesn't even care much about his baby girl. Another girl I used to be friends with had three kids, little stair steps, and she just abondoned them to live a lifestyle of drugs. Another friend of mine loves her children, but she says she wishes she hadn't had them because she would have had a better life and career if she had not. None of these people suffered to have their children. I wanted my babies so bad. My husband wanted our babies so bad. I'm so happy to have Jamie and I try to thank God every day for giving him to me. I don't know why all of a sudden these doubts in God have hit me full force again. I want them to go away, but they won't. I don't know if I'm going through some sort of depression or what.

Anyway, I started to put this in rant, but I thought you guys would understand. I just had to get it out. I'm sitting here crying and I just wish I had a friend who I could talk to. I started telling a friend about it and laughed at me and said, "Laura, you're so silly." I don't know what's silly about it. I don't know what I wanted her to say. I think "I'm sorry" or "I'm here for you" or "pray about it" or ANYTHING would have been better than that. Thanks for reading my rant. I really feel bad about complaining about being sad when there are so many that are going through much worse than me. Sometimes I just need to cry. I thought having Jamie would wipe these feelings away. I wasn't a member here when I lost most of my babies. Back in those days I cried every day. Since Jamie came along my life is much better, but I'm still broken. I don't know if I can ever be completely healed. My heart is so fragile that each time I read about someone else's loss I cry and grieve for them, even if I don't know them at all. I think I'm grieving for myself, too.

I hope my post doesn't upset anyone. If it does just let me know and I'll delete it.

southie · 10-14-2005, 09:23 AM

(((Hugs)))
Your feelings are completely normal. Anger is definitely a part of the grieving process. It is difficult to keep your faith when bad things are happening, especially when other people seem to take everything for granted.
Whether or not your loss is "worse" than someone else's, it is still painful for you and you are entitled to deal with it in any way you choose.
I too cling to the babies that I have and am more thankful than I can express for having them, but I still miss the baby that I lost and grieve the failed IVF rounds that I went through to get them.

GabrielsMom · 10-14-2005, 09:57 AM

Laura, I'm so sorry

I know what it is like to be angry at God. But I also know what it is like to come back to his joy and peace. He's not going to take Jamie away from you for grieving your other babies. After we lost Gabriel, my DH said to me that God knows everything I am going through, because His Son died too. I know how hard it is to keep the faith through something like this. The questions that go through your mind are things that theologians have been arguing about for centuries. It's uncomprehendable. I still wonder about a lot of things all of the time, but I've come to a point where I've mostly just accepted things the way they are. But it's all a part of the grief process. I read your post about losing your twins, and I don't think you really were able to grieve them. And now all these posts about people losing their babies is bringing it all back up for you. But you know what? You don't have to read them all. You don't have to reply to them all. There are times when I have been just unable to read or respond to posts about lost babies. And then there are times when I feel I can be very supportive. I think we all go through that. So if you have to take a break from reading those posts, we all will understand. But don't ever feel like you can't post anything here. Post all you want.

I'm totally rambling. Sorry. You'll be in my prayers, cyster...

Hugs,
Adrianne

saluki_fan · 10-14-2005, 12:34 PM

Laura, so sorry for what you are feeling right now. Everyone grieves differently; there is no right or wrong way to feel pain and anger and loss. We are all here if you need us.

Mustard Seed · 10-14-2005, 12:35 PM

Laura - I understand some of how you're feeling right now. I have been angry at God sometimes this past month, and I know there will be times when I will continue to have days when I feel like that in the future. God knows all our thoughts before we even think them, and there's nothing we can hide from Him. He knows I have felt angry. I had a friend tell me that she was sure God didn't expect me to put on a brave, happy face at this time. She also told me that He expected my tears, and that He would catch every one of them. I got especially upset a few days ago when my best friend told me that her cousin (who's 19) just had her second baby girl on Sunday. The first baby she had (a year and a half ago), she gave up for adoption. But this time she decided to keep the baby because she has married the father of this child, and wants to raise it. It makes me so angry to even think about it!

A few weeks ago though, I came across a verse in the Bible that helped me to understand that God wasn't wanting to cause me pain or sorrow. And I realized that we live in a sinful world and because of that, bad things will happen. God is still in control, but I don't think He wants to see people go through hard times. This is the verse I found: "Although God gives him grief, yet he will show compassion too, according to the greatness of his lovingkindness. For he does not enjoy afflicting men and causing sorrow." I don't know if that thought will help you like it helped me, but I hope it will. I know a few of my friends wanted to share scripture with me after our m/c and it wasn't what I needed then at all. It felt like they were trying to fix everything by quoting a few verses... "scripture bandaids" is what dh called it. I'm not trying to do that all at right now. I know you are hurting and I know it is completely normal to vent and sometimes even rage over the pain you are feeling. I will listen to you vent as much as you need to.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 10-14-2005, 12:43 PM

LaurAnn,
I truly understand how you are feeling, I've felt that same anger towards God and I'm feeling it right now. I just can't understand how or why this keeps happening to me. I have a very strong faith, and I feel like God should be protecting me right now. I'm feeling very alone right now. I'm very confused too. How can a loving, caring God let me suffer this way. Why does God keep giving me these babies just to take them back. It's jsut so wrong. I'm so angry! I feel so hurt and betrayed.

SheriKCMO · 10-14-2005, 02:06 PM

Don't rule out options of talking with a grief counsellor or being evaluated for depression if you're feeling "not yourself". I wish that I had done so. That being said, so many of us have been right where you are. As for the religion part, when Mary Catherine died, I wished that I believed in God so that I would feel that I would see her again. But the loss only deepened my conviction that there is no rhyme or reason for any of this. It just is what it is. What kind of father figure would crush my heart into ten million pieces and expect me to go on living? So I totally understand why faith is challenged at this time. But at the same time, when my MIL says that we will hold that little girl again someday, I really wish I believed it.

Don't ever hold back when you need to get something out... we are here for you anytime.

VivC · 10-14-2005, 03:06 PM

((Laura)). These losses hit me hard, too. Last Fall was such a sad time on this board, this Fall has so many sad anniversaries, and now we're seeing a whole new round of losses. It's not fair for anyone to ever lose a child.

I remember being so angry with God after Rivi died (I still have my LONG moments). I had the added drama of a church that blamed me. I found that talking to a member of the clergy at a different church helped me. I asked him Why, and he just said he didn't know why. Then he cried with me. Somehow, it helped me to know that somebody fully trained in the Bible was just as lost as I was when it came to grief.

When I was pregnant with Rivi, I said a prayer for him every day. I still have the index card in his baby book. I feel like that way didn't work. I did it God's way, and I didn't get to keep my baby. I don't know how to trust Him again.

((Laura)). Sorry I kind of hijacked. I just want you to know that you're not alone with your doubt and confusion.

Viv

MommyOAnna · 10-14-2005, 03:22 PM

I am glad you felt comfortable to share with us....no one should have to hold the feelings inside. You aren't silly for feeling how you do. If we are able to feel hurt and angry, we shouldn't have to hide that fact. I think we grieve lost loved ones forever and that pain stays forever....but some days it doesn't consume us, and other days it can overwhelm. I agree, everyone grieves in their own way. I feel if you are mad at God, tell Him.....it may give you a little peace. To further my thought above, if He didn't want us to have emotions, He wouldn't have given them to us, so He should understand....part of what makes us women is the feelings we have.

You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

DiamondInTheRough · 10-16-2005, 01:20 AM

If you can't be mad at God, who can you be mad at...

We've all been there, and will continue to have our moments. But the truth is, I don't think there is anything anyone can say to truly comfort you. This has to be something you work out with God - it may not be today, or next week, or even next year - but I believe you will come to find some peace with Him over this. The only thing any of us can be certain about in life is death. Now if we could only come to terms with that, everything else would be gravy...

Best wishes

Pamela · 10-16-2005, 11:05 PM

Laura, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Faith is hard, No one ever said it would be easy.
I also read your psot about your twins. I agree that you never really had the opportunity to grieve for them. I think that you are doing your grieving right now. I also agree with what Sheri said about seeing a counselor.
HUGS

LaurAnnHere · 10-16-2005, 11:21 PM

I'm feeling better now. I guess just some things going on brought out the emotional side of me full swing. I really appreciate you all. I don't know how I survived before I found Soul Cysters. I think back on the really bad times and how devoid of hope I was and wonder how I survived. I'm glad to have all this support now and so happy that I can lend my support to others. I really feel good when I can help others.