I don't know what my deal is. At least once a week I just get so down in the dumps and miserable. A lot of the times for no reason. I start feeling lonely, and pathetic, and sick of my life and all I want to do is just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep. Right now I am starting to feel that way, and I wish I could stop it.
There actually might be a reason today though. I have been feeling like this guy I have been seeing doesn't really want to see me anymore. I have absolutely no physical proof of this (he certainly hasn't said anything), but I have this nagging feeling and it won't go away. We haven't talked as much in the last couple of weeks, or done anything together recently. Every time I suggest doing something, he is busy with homework, or has to get up early...all VALID reasons, but I keep projecting my negative energy all over the place and imagining that he is just making excuses so he doesn't have to see me. And of course, I am imagining that it's something I did. And I just start getting sad inside because I was really starting to like this guy, and I keep thinking I messed things up somehow. And I don't want to say anything to him, like "Hey, are you interested in me anymore or not?" because I am sure I would come off sounding clingy and pathetic, and if I haven't driven him away already, I probably would.
And then I keep thinking, man, I thought I had a good thing going for a little while there. And it makes me so sad...like this big, empty, hollow place opens up inside me. Like I'll never catch a break. Like nothing will ever go right for me, and the best I'm ever going to get is a month or so of dating a guy who won't even be up front with me and say he doesn't want to see me again, so I am just left wondering what the hell is going on. And that's probably the worst. Projecting all my negative paranoia onto this situation, so it's probably not even what I am imagining it to be.
And if I didn't get so depressed sometimes, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But when you get sad for no freaking reason at all, it makes everything seem like a thousand times worse. And part of it might be because I just started AF, and ever since I went on BCPs over a year ago it seems like I get a day or two of wicked depression to go along with my PMS. But it sucks. And I try to keep myself from thinking anything that would trigger a "depression spell", but I can't help it all the time. And before I know it, I am just wallowing in self pity. I hate being so miserable.
__________________
-- Kim --
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Me - 27 DH - 33 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Married 6/29/2007!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Dx February 2003
Meds:
Prenatal Vitamins
Vitamin B6
DHA
(((HUGS))). The guy that you've been seeing may really be buried with work. If he's not & he's into breaking things off then is he actually the one you want in the long run? I don't think you're out of line in asking him straight out what the deal is if you do it calmly. Just say something like you've noticed that he's been very busy lately and you want to be clear whether or not he's still interested. If he's not, that may be all the encouragement he needs, and while you may not like the result, at least you'll know what he's dealing with. If that's not the case, let him know that while you completely understand that he just doesn't have a lot of time right now, would he be willing to grab a meal or something short & quick.
If your depression is getting you down that frequently, you may want to see someone. If medication isn't for you, maybe talking through your thoughts will help. You're also welcome to come over to Tickled Pink's depression forum. It's a very supportive place.
So many of us cysters have been where you are. Hormones and guys, grrr!
((((Hugs))))) for you! Keep talking and posting that will help, and if you can to talk to a doctor/counselor do that too. You should tell your doctor about the depression spells while on the BCp's at least.
Happy thoughts!
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Do something fun with people! Sometimes guys need their time but you still need to get out and interact. Make it so you don't have time to brood and remember that it's possible to have fun even if you two end up apart. Eat out, go shopping, volunteer-- just do something that forces you to talk to upbeat people.
Indulge in something chocolatey.
Turn on the lights full blast (it is the time of year for Seasonal Affectiveness disorder).
Read a trashy novel or watch a funny movie.
Give someone you haven't talked to in a while a phone call.
If you're not feeling more upbeat after a few days of trying, then it's probably time to make an appointment to talk to a therapist or doctor about it to determine if there's another underlying cause.
It seems like I have suffered from random bouts of depression since I was a kid. It was especially bad in high school - I was always stressed out, felt lost, and so constantly sad/lonely that at one point in my senior year I did try to commit suicide. I tried to overdose on ibuprofen (I did not know what I was doing)-- all it did was make me really dizzy, and I ended up vomiting everything I had swallowed. Oddly enough, I never told anyone except for one of my best friends years later, and parents never found out about it.
I did see the counselor at school my freshman year in college. I was having trouble sleeping, having difficulty concentrating, and feeling very stressed in general. I was depressed, but it was mostly anxiety and she ended up putting me on Paxil. It seemed to help, but I stopped taking it after a few months because I started having what I can only describe as bizarre heart palpitations. And then I stopped going to that school, and I never bothered seeing my regular doctor.
And off and on for the past 3 or 4 years, I would get depressed every now and again. Mostly, though, it would not last longer than a day or two at the most. I never got so depressed that I could never function. I would make myself get up and go if I had to. Just when I was feeling bad, and the day would be over, I'd just come home and cry and feel sorry for myself for no reason whatsoever.
Since last June (when I started BCPs), I have probably had more consistent waves of depression than I have ever had in my life. However, me going on BCPs also coincided with a very difficult and traumatic time in my life, and it has taken me a long time to get past that. I've also had many other unfortunate things happen which has made the year as a whole kind of suck. So I don't know if there are reasons for me being depressed, or if I am being affected by the pills. I do know that this past year is the first time I have ever let suicide cross my mind since highschool, which was about 5 1/2 years ago.
I think I do need help, I am just embarassed to seek it, I guess. I hide how I feel so well, I am afraid to go to my mom (the one person I think I could bring this up to) and say, hey, this is how I feel. I think I need professional help. It would be so out of the blue. Plus, I don't know if I am "sick enough"...I mean, I can go weeks without feeling sad. And when I do feel depressed, it is only for a day or two. I don't hide myself away when I get that way. I suck it up and I face the world...I just sometimes wish I would disappear off the face of the planet.
__________________
-- Kim --
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Me - 27 DH - 33 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Married 6/29/2007!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Dx February 2003
Meds:
Prenatal Vitamins
Vitamin B6
DHA
DON'T be afraid of seeking help. Lots of people get depressed and are helped by therapy. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I had a rough time in graduate school that I never would have been able to get through without treatment for my anxiety (I did cognitive behavioral therapy). I do think it is normal to go through periods of depression from time to time, but there's a point at which you need to get help, and in your last post, it sounds like you may have reached it. If it's interfering with your life and you can't control it, it's time to get outside help (they told me that in my diagnostic interview when I went in for treatment).
Don't worry that you're not feeling bad ALL the time-- I started to get my treatment during the break between semesters when I was actually feeling pretty calm (so long as I didn't think about school). I think being able to step back during that time probably helped my treatment move along faster and more smoothly since I could practice the techniques in a better environment. One of the first things MIT (where I was an RA for two years) does when it has depressed undergrads (and hoo boy they have a lot of them!) is to try to get them out of whatever situation it is that's making them hit the wall so they can focus on getting better in a safer environment.
Additionally, depending on where you go, they'll give you a Beck depression inventory which will help diagnose whether you're clinically depressed or not. It's full of questions that will help them diagnose you.
I agree with everyone, don't be afraid to go and seek help. It helped me enormously. Like you, I have had bouts of depression since I've been litte. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia now (a form of depression) and I am trying to find a counsellor.
All the best wishes and (((hugs)))
__________________ Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Hi
I'm really sorry your feeling like this.. I hope that you feel better soon and get some help.or advice. I can really relatehave periods of time when I feel really sad and as my pcos symptons get worse and throw up more conditions I feel that my life isn't worth living, its just too hard and its becomming more and more difficlt putting on a cheerful and brave face
So, I tried to tell my mom that I thought I was depressed last night. Didn't work out so well. I told her that I was feeling sad, but then I could not bring myself to say much more than that. And it sucks, because I am not feeling at all better this morning, and usually after sleeping all night I feel better in the morning. This time, not so much. I kept having crazy dreams and waking up every hour or two. I don't know what I am going to do now.
__________________
-- Kim --
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Me - 27 DH - 33 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Married 6/29/2007!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Dx February 2003
Meds:
Prenatal Vitamins
Vitamin B6
DHA
Okay, good news...I managed to tell her over the phone this morning while I was at work. She got me a referral from our insurance company for a psychiatrist. I think I will try meds first, and if those don't work by themselves, then maybe I'll try seeing a therapist. I dunno. I honestly don't think it's really my BCPs that are the problem--they might have me feel a bit worse since I've been on them, but since I've gotten these feelings since I was little...I just havent had any other side effects from them, so I'd hate to switch or whatever just because they make me feel a little bit worse than what I "normally" feel. (Not that I feel at all normal when I'm depressed, but, yeah). Anyway, that's my update for the day.
__________________
-- Kim --
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Me - 27 DH - 33 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Married 6/29/2007!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Dx February 2003
Meds:
Prenatal Vitamins
Vitamin B6
DHA
Carey(31) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Paul(43)
Married 7-25-02
PCOS Diagnosed Nov 02'
Bi Polar Diagnosed Feb 08'
Current meds~ Lithium&Celexa
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 4 furbabies To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Okay, good news...I managed to tell her over the phone this morning while I was at work. She got me a referral from our insurance company for a psychiatrist. I think I will try meds first, and if those don't work by themselves, then maybe I'll try seeing a therapist. I dunno. I honestly don't think it's really my BCPs that are the problem--they might have me feel a bit worse since I've been on them, but since I've gotten these feelings since I was little...I just havent had any other side effects from them, so I'd hate to switch or whatever just because they make me feel a little bit worse than what I "normally" feel. (Not that I feel at all normal when I'm depressed, but, yeah). Anyway, that's my update for the day.
I can sooooo relate. I have been feeling depressed almost all my life, the BCP made it worse but were probably not the cause.
Thumbs up for being so proactive and good luck! Keep us updated *hugs*
__________________ Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
I'm just so...sad. (long, I'm sorry) 
