 I'm New to this...
Hi every one, my name is Zarah, Im 21... i just stumbled across this site while looking at random things online...
I suffer PCOS, was diagnosed when i was 17...
i suffered depression on and off since i was 15, i wrote this mini story about my feelings and thoughts on the possibility of never having the chance to become a mother myself.
i hope you like it, any comments would be greatly appreciated.
its called:
The Chance Of Motherhood, Stolen.
She concentrates. She gazes and daydreams about her past and what things she could have done differently to change the situation that she now faces.
She thinks of the tell tale signs that she missed and the hurt feelings that she pushed aside thinking that it'd pass. But it didn't.
Rage inside her pulsates through her body and she realizes that there is nothing that she can do now but ride out the feelings. The fears. The anxiety. Let her life unfold before her.
A doctor told her that she couldn't have children.
That there was a moment in her life that knocked her for six.
She always planned to have children. As soon as she could. She didn't care. That was one certain thing that no one could tell her she could not do. Motherhood was some thing she wanted ever since she was little. And now. Now these stupid people had told her that her body had turned against her and stuffed up her reproductive system?
Her heart, her mind, her body, life in general had failed her. Stupid people and their stupid 'oh. I know some one who had the same thing as you and she had a child naturally!' stories! Every one knows some one who things worked out for in the end. But nothing ever worked out for her. So why bother wishing for some thing that will never come true? It's just stupid.
At one stage she was with a guy whom she loved and whom she lived with and for months on end they tried having a baby. They made love 2-3 times a day. Always unprotected. And it just didn't happen. Then he got back with his ex and within a week the ex was pregnant. It was just another reminder of how her body had failed her and another reminder that she was pathetic.
It hurts her. She keeps remembering the young version of herself in primary school. She remembers the teacher going around the class asking all the students what they wanted to be when they grew up. She remembers other people saying 'firemen' and 'scientists' and 'actors' and 'marine biologists' and she was one of say 2 girls who said that they wanted to be a mum.
She wanders how many of those children grew into adults and fulfilled their childhood dreams? And how many of them had given up their dreams to live her dream of being a parent?
Why does it come so easily to some people?
What happens if she is never a parent? The thought crosses her mind. What if she never ever conceives? What if she never has a child of her own? Will she die childless?
Will she one day look back on her life with the sadness of having failed her life long dream? What is the point in living if she can never have any one to look back on her life when she is gone and say 'my mum was an awesome mum who taught me so much in life' no one to carry her genes. When she is dead and buried no one will remember her. They will but they won't look back and say that woman gave me life.
People will just look back and say ok. She was a childless woman who is now dead.
Her nieces and nephews will eventually forget her when she is gone a few years.
She won't have some one look in the mirror and think 'I have my mothers eyes'
Tears stream down her face as she realizes that there is going to be so much that she will not be able to do because motherhood is some thing she will never experience.
She will never suffer morning sickness. Nor will she suffer swollen ankles or being able to see her stomach grow to epic proportions before her very eyes.
She won't get sore breasts. She won't get contractions nor feel like her insides are being torn apart from the inside as she gives birth. She will never hear that cry all anxious mothers pray to hear.
She won't have to wear nipple shields or wake up mid night to feed the Dependant child.
There will be no teething, no injections, no crawling, and no first steps, no keeping track of what the child done at what age. No first true smiles and no first fits of laughter. No nappy changing. No sterilizing of bottles and dummies. No lugging around a big pram and nappy bag and no installing the car with a baby seat, or buying tiny clothing.
No walking around trying to settle her unsettled child. No lullaby's no first days at school. No big Christmas and seeing their face when they see what Santa bought them.
No awkward sex talk. No going to the principles office. No warning off bad influences.
No I hate you's. No I love you's. No sneaking into her bed in the middle of the night because they are scared. No mending sores with a kiss. No giving of advice and no life lessons to teach.
No nothing. No children. No experiencing motherhood. And until this moment. Right this instant. She never truly sat down and thought about it. Never until she now. Now she sits here and writes this story that you are reading. She is just another woman with fertility problems to you. But to me she is heartbroken and is wandering through her life hoping that some day god will send her a miracle. The miracle of motherhood. So my plea to you is for you to not take motherhood for granted. Love your child and cherish them. Give them a life that I wish I could give my child if I could ever have one.
so... did you like it? i was crying when i wrote it... it was at a stage in my life where i felt like i was the most pathetic excuse for a human being... thats all changed now though... i am now engaged to a wonderful man called Dave and i have never been so happy... we talk about kids and stuff... we wouldn't mind fostering or adopting when the time is right. kids is some thing we both definitely want in our lives...
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Zarah
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