I'm so unhappy, my life is out of control

OneHotMama · 03-05-2004, 04:45 AM

I'm a new member, but I've been lurking for awhile now. I've known I had Pcos since October 1999. Me and My Dh decided to have another baby , so I started going to the doctors again. It just seems this time everything is against us. Ican't find a doctor who seems to care that i have this, and have had problems TTC before. I've been to 6 doctors who have all told me to lose weight, and trust them. One put me on Glucophage XR, and went on his way. When I called him because i had been bleeding heavily for 2 and 1/2 months, his nurse told me he was on vacation, and to go to the emergency room if I needed to. (I didn't know if i needed to go or not) All of them want to take there time and wait and see if this or that will work when it comes to getting pregnant. One finally wrote me a script for clomid, but he scared me because he didn't even want to give me a sonogram and monitor me. This march will make it 2 years and 6 months of trying. My husband says I change doctors too much, but it seems like I know more about PCOS than the doctors I've been going to. I have an appointment at the end of april to see an RE, but there so expensive and my insurance dosen't cover infertility. I'm debating or weather or not to even go, I know we can't really afford it. I just feel so hopeless.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm depressed all the time, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I absolutely refuse to go on antidepressants because of an incident I had on paxil as a teenager. I just want to crawl into a ball and make the world go away. I have so many other things going on in my life right now, it's all so overwhelming. My mother in law has cancer, and it's spreading so fast they can't stop it. I take her to radiation 2 times a week and dialysis the other 3 days. My husband isn't handeling this well at all. My daughter who's 4 knows grandma's sick, and keeps asking why she dosen't feel better yet. I just feel so hopeless, and sad all the time. When will this get any better?

santa'sbaby · 03-05-2004, 08:18 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You certainly have alot on your plate, and I can understand how it can take alot out of a person. I know that I have many times just screamed in my head "THROW ME A BONE ALREADY!!!!", it doesn't seem like it will ever happen sometimes.

I wish I had a magic answer but I don't...so I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and that anytime you need to rant away, we are always here for you.

Congratulations on the blessing of your first daughter. I am sure she is a wonderful bright spot in your life. I hope to be as lucky one day.

While I am writing this, may I ask what happened to you on Paxil?

Lendi · 03-05-2004, 10:23 AM

I'm so very sorry you have so much hitting you all at once! I hope life will calm for you a bit and that your MIL will start to react well to the medications soon. How sad for you DH to see his mother slowly slipping away from him. It is kind of you to take such an active part in her life at a time when life is rough on you. Just love your daughter and try to reassure her that she will always be loved. There's not much else you can do for a 4 year old in that situation.
I understand your frustrations about Dr.s I guess they see so many they just don't stop and listen. And, I too know more about my disease than many Dr. It's sad when I take a list of tests that need to be ran and new theory's with treatment options

But, you need to find a Dr. you have faith in. I truly hope you can find a way to see the RE since that's what they specialize in. At least you would know, if it still took time, that you were doing everything that you could.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with Paxil. I've had to try many different categories of anti-depressants before I found one that would not cause adverse reactions to me. It's a long hard road. Perhaps you might consider herbals to help you along this road. I understand that many have had good luck with Sam-E although I've not personally had any experience with it. Exercise and sunshine are Mother Natures way of combating depression. Perhaps, you can find time in your busy schedule for a short walk with your DD. It would also be a wonderful way to spend time together, looking at all the growth of spring. And, a side benefit to your health as well

Good luck to you. Let us know how your appt. goes.
Lendi

OneHotMama · 03-06-2004, 03:03 AM

Thank you for all the helpful words. Today is looking better, and I'm feeling better than last night. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I keep telling myself to be thankful for what I do have. I was doing our budget , and I just started to feel so hopeless. When we were TTC our daughter we maxed out our credit cards, refinanced our home, and sold a vehicle to pay for it. This time we have virtually no resources for it, as we sold our home 2 years ago to move out of state, and our credit is in bad shape because of the first time. What money we have saved was supposed to go towards buying another home, but now I'm having to debate with myself weather or not to wait awhile longer. What really has me worried is that the first time may not be a sucess, then were out all that money, and no baby. God I hate this disease!!!

As for the incident with paxil. When I was 16 my grandmother died, and I was not handeling my grief well. My family doctor put me on paxil to "Help With My Saddness." Not only did the depression get 10 times worse on it, I actually Tried to kill myself for no reason. I took a months supply of paxil, a whole Bottle of Tylenol PM, 30 trazadone (my mothers prescription sleeping pills) and I drank a bottle of robutussin and night quill. To this day I don't know why I did this. I was upset about my grandma, but not to that point. After this incident, I was hospitalized in a clinic type setting, and my doctor was furious my family doctor had put me on this drug because apparently it has been known to react in children this way. (Severe Sucidal thoughts) So I will never again go on anything for depression. It scares the hell out of me, because I didn't want to do it before, but I couldn't stop myself. And what's worse is there are doctors out there still writing scripts for this drug to children. There have been hundreds of study's saying this is a dangerous drug for kids, but there still writting them.

Lendi · 03-06-2004, 08:32 PM

I can see why you would be very frightened of anti-depressants after that. I was a raving maniac on welbutrin. Either raged or cried..not inbetweens. I do ok on celexa, but I didn't have anywhere near the reaction you did.
I hate money, too. I think it really is evil! Even when I have an extra dime or two, it seems to just get me introuble. But, mostly I dont' have much to spare...thanks to PCOS with my DD and fibromyalgia for me. We are always in debt to a hospital and our monthly prescriptions are unreal. I can see why you were depressed looking at a budget. I hope you are continuing to feel better. When you feel too stressed, try to take some very deep breaths. Sometimes that will help to relax you. Good luck on the TTC. I hope it happens for you soon.
Lendi

AugustMoon · 03-11-2004, 10:44 PM

I know how you feel. 1 year ago i got very depressed. My husband and I had a double weddign with his twin brother in 2000. We tried and tried to get pregnant and last febuary 10th my bil and sil had a baby. I was so depressed i lost my job and it drove me to go to the drs. I found an RE and my insurance did not cover infertility either. I called my insuance to find out what they covered they said they will cover the testing but as soon as the diagnoses was infertility they stopped covering every thing. I told the RE that and they went around the insurance company dignosing me with a menstrual disorder so insurance would cover it. The only thing I had to do was pay for the clomid cause the only was insurance would cover it was through the mail and with a diagnoses. So I just paid for the clomid. 1 year later I just gave birth to my first child on Feb 5th. A girl Annalyssa Eyren 7lbs 9oz 20.5 inches

. I have not made it back to my RE to show him my daughter yet but hopefully soon and I am so Thankful they were able to help me.

I encourage you to talk to the RE to see if there is a way to get around you insurance like my RE did mine. Good Luck to you, and sorry about your MIL my Grandmother has liver cancer so I am feeling your pain.

Carrie

daculadawg1 · 03-12-2004, 12:26 PM

lots of hugs!!!! i'm sorry you are having such a hard time with the dr's. they can be very diffucult. have you tried lexapro? i was on it and it worked good for me.

linda m