I'm such a failure....

demora · 10-07-2005, 02:51 AM

Yes I know I posted a message on the rant board about my Jeep and that is a big part of how I feel now....I haven't let myself be all that upset because it's really hard on my DH. I feel like no matter what I do, I fail. I worked so hard to build a career, I failed. I can't even seem to get a job - any job. I wanted to own my home - some say that makes a self obsessed money hungry bi##h...I call it growing up as an apartment rat.

I wanted to drive a nice car - not a Lexus or some other extremely expensive car - just something that would start when I went out to get in it. I was happy with my Geo Metro (it got totalled when I got rear-ended). My Jeep Wrangler was used when I bought it, but in good condition and I finally had it...my dream car. And I lost it - my fault, I know.

I always thought if you went to college, got a degree, got a career started that everything was supposed to be good. I worked my a$$ off for nothing. All I wanted was stability for my family - is that so much to ask?

I promised my son that he would never be ashamed of me, that I was going to make something of myself and his adoption wouldn't be in vain. And now, I'm a full grown, over weight, bankrupt, jeep-less, ebarrassing, failure.

And I don't know that I feel any better now that I've typed it all out. maybe. heh - party on my cysters.

cheryl79 · 10-07-2005, 03:17 AM

demora, i am so sorry you are feeling this way and that so much has happened lately. i know what you mean about working your butt off for nothing and it sucks but keep having faith that things will get better. you are not a failure, at all. you are just having some minor setbacks. in the big picture, this stuff is nothing. just remember that. the important things are not material. hope things get better for you soon.

omcv · 10-07-2005, 03:27 AM

No you are not a failure!!! Crap just happens ... and it is happening to everyone. My DH was accused of sexual harrassment (of which his was cleared of), then racilly assaulted and now we are being sued by the person that harassed him for $2040 (of which we do not have because DH had to quit his job (constructive discharge).

I decied it was best to count my blessings because in the end all we have is our relationship with God and our reputation. We are good people and good people get stepped on! I am not going to let life beat us down and you should not either! Hang in there, things will get better. It does not matter what happened in the past, it is what we do today tomorrow and in the future that counts. You can be courageous and your son will see how you picked up the pieces and admired and learn from your example!

oaktreegirl · 10-07-2005, 07:04 PM

Demora, you need to stop blaming yourself. I think I know how you feel. I was always careless and making stupid mistakes and I always felt like a failure. That was one of the reasons I dropped out of college the first time I tried it. One interpretation of my mistakes that somebody presented to me was this - that part of me which is "careless" and "irresponsible" would keep making itself obvious in my life until I learned to love it and accept it. When I learned to be more compassionate with myself, I was a lot less likely to make careless mistakes. That doesn't mean that I'm perfect now. Sometimes sh*t happens. Sometimes, it's my fault that sh*t happens. But I've realised that I don't need to stress as much, and instead just try to learn from all experiences.

Everybody is unique, but I just wanted to let you know about my experiences incase it helps. (((hugs)))

*pEaNuT* · 10-07-2005, 07:08 PM

*hugs*

choirmissy · 10-07-2005, 10:00 PM

Melissa,

You are not a failure! You were trying to make a good life for yourself and sometimes things just happen. I know because I've been there myself. I went through college (bachelor's & master's) and work very hard and have a good career. I don't live extravagantly. Yes, I do have a house. It's large but old, so there's always something that needs repaired. My husband isn't real good at hanging on to jobs, so there are so many months where we live check to check while I try to figure out which bill I can cut short to pay another more immediate bill. A couple of years ago, I was in the same shape financially. I'm only luckey that my grandma had the money to bail me out. I still feel awful that I haven't been able to pay her back financially, even though I do as much as I can to help her out. You've been dealt a horrible blow, but it's how you deal with the blow you've taken. You can give up, or you can grit your teeth and do what you need to do. It's a lot harder to keep going, but how you dealing with and learning from the blows you take is what really makes you a success, not how much you own or how much you weigh. You've taken responsibility for the situation. Yes, you deserve time to feel bad, but I have every faith that you can and will walk away from this as a stronger, better person.

Melissa

VivC · 10-07-2005, 10:22 PM

Demora, please don't feel like a failure. From what I've seen, you're an incredible woman. I think that your son will learn a lot from you, watching you rebuild your life. That will be a MUCH more important lesson than seeing you successful constantly.

After all, one day something will go wrong in his life (hopefully not everything at once), and he'll be able to look back and remember how you handled this. ((hugs)),

Penelope Pitstop · 10-08-2005, 09:44 AM

Mellissa
You're not a failure..
Becs

nicole47 · 10-09-2005, 01:38 AM

Demora--

You said you were a computer programmer? Or worked in I/T? It's totally not your fault that you lost your job. The I/T bust put a LOT of (very good) people out of work between 2000 and today. For a while it seemed like we couldn't go anywhere in Boston without half the people there being out of work I/T or computer people. Most of them have moved on or started doing things like managing retail stores or other unrelated jobs, or have gone back to school to get a degree in something else.

I'm a labor economist and one of my projects dealt with what employers are looking for when they hire. Here are my recommendations, whether you want to work in I/T or get a different job.

1. Talk to someone who professionally deals with making resumes look good. You can hire someone, but there are also non-profit and free organizations that can help you if you do some research. (Project ABLE is one around here, but I know that there are others--if you're brave, talk to someone at an HR department where you're interested in working for an "informational interview"). Having a professional-looking resume that doesn't have any red flags in it is going to get your foot in the door and put you ahead of most applicants. You need to explain any gaps in your work history in the past 10 years.
2. If you're not doing volunteer work now, start. (This shows you're capable, staying active, and helps explain work gaps.)
3. If you want to get back into I/T, take a class (and keep taking classes). Employers want to see that you're keeping current and it's more of a signal than anything else. I know this may seem difficult if since you don't have money, but look into scholarships, financial aid, and tax breaks. Again, it shows you're capable, active, and helps explain work gaps.
4. Think about whether or not you're willing to widen your geographic range-- would you be willing to move where jobs are, and if so, how far?
5. If you can, try doing temp work (this is easier in larger cities). Many employers like to hire temps as permanent workers after they've proved themselves. It also keeps you busy, thus showing you're capable, active, and fills in work gaps, especially if you can temp in the area you most want to work in.
6. Talk to people-- network. Everywhere you go, let people know you're looking for work and what kind. Be upbeat and pleasant. Most jobs are found through a friend of a friend. I know it's hard to talk to people about this, but it really is what gets results. It may take a while, but the more feelers you send out, the more likely one is going to hit. Get business cards and carry them with you.
7. Think about other possible careers you might be interested in. There's always a need for health care professionals, teachers, and other professions. Some of these take as little as 6 months training (or if you're willing to be a home health care aid, 6 weeks, and it's free from the Red Cross). If you want a job that has guaranteed job security, you might want to think about one of those. If you haven't thought about doing computer programming for hospitals, for example, that might be a good place to look. Here's a list of occupations and their outlook for the future that the US government tracks: http://www.bls.gov/search/ooh.asp?ct=OOH

Employers say they want people who are energetic, reliable, intelligent, capable, hard-working, flexible, and able to learn new things. You can be all of those-- but you have to let them know that, by giving them the correct signals (staying active) and telling people.

If I recall correctly from class, most people go through 7 careers in their lives, and many more jobs. You are not the only person to have a gap in your work history, and most people spring out ahead even after a long gap-- even after bankruptcy. Negative labor market shocks (as we call them) hit a lot of people. A college degree helps, but it is not a guarantee for stability, especially in today's economy.

One day you'll be able to buy another jeep, but really, what's most important is your loved ones, and you still have a family who undoubtedly loves you to pieces. Show your son that even when life throws you down, you can rise again and fight your way out, no matter how long it takes. Good luck!