I might be in the wrong place...

demora · 09-08-2005, 03:30 AM

Hello,

I am a birthmother and also a woman who is facing the possibility of not being able to get pregnant again. I started looking over some of the stuff here and you are all so over joyed and excited to be parents, I just wanted to share something with you that perhaps you haven’t been privelige to yet. The birthmother as a person, not just a label. First off, here is my website, dedicated to my son the wonderful people who have given him love, nurturing and ability to reach for the sky. Something I could’ve never done when he was born. http://www.geocities.com/nyteowl There is a lot on my site, but if you follow the link to the adoption part, it’s all there.

My son, who is now 12 (13 in November) was able to attend my wedding in May. When I spoke with his mom about the possibility of him coming, and thanked her again and again for all she and her husband have done…she asked me a simple question. “Why would I deny my son anyone who would love him?” This is something to think about when approaching any adoption. As birthmothers, we not throwing our children away, we are doing what is best for them…giving them something we don’t have the ability to provide. We love our children that much.

I won’t go on and on, but if there is ever one thing that I can say to make a difference in how you approach adoption, let it be this. Adopted children, even if they never see their birthmothers, still mourn for them. There is a bond that occurs in the womb and that child will always always have that bond. Don’t be little it. Don’t let that child think that their birthparents didn’t love them or didn’t want them. Please don’t deny the birthparents of the opportunity to see their birthchildren grow, even if it’s just in pictures. The first time I got a letter written by my son, I cried and cried. I was so proud and happy and sad and overwhelmed…I never regret my decision in the least. But there is a hole in my soul that only that little boy can fill. I live with it every day, every birthday, every Mother’s day. Sometimes it hurts so bad it’s a physical pain. But I wouldn’t change his life a single bit.

Melissa

sockmonkey · 09-08-2005, 04:48 AM

Hi!

I am a birthmother also. My son just turned 12 this past July. I have no contact with him or the adopted parents other than the letters and pictures they send every year. I spent about 6 months getting to know them. It was a mutual decision for us to keep in contact only through the adoption agency. I felt that it would be too hard for me and too confusing for him, if I stayed in his life. I think about him every single day and I look forward to meeting again. The adopted parents are going to tell him everything when he is old enough to understand. After that, it is up to him. Of course I have the fear that he will never want to meet me, or that I will disappoint him. Now there is the added fear that I gave away the only child I will ever have, thanks to this wonderful PCOS stuff. It is so nice to hear someone else's story. Nobody else can understand the loss that you feel when you watch the adoptive parents walk out of your hospital room with the baby that spent 9 mos. growing inside of you. He knew my voice, he knew me and it was the happiest and saddest moment of my life and we have not seen each other since. I was a wreck for about a year and then slowly it became easier to bear living without him. I have never once regretted my decision though. He has a wonderful life and parents! Parents that thank me every day.

Bertiebugg · 09-08-2005, 05:38 AM

Thank you!

I dont believe any of us here would ever think of the birthmom as somebody who doesnt love their child. And I dont believe any of us would just label them as birthmom. I from the ladies that I have spoke with we are all thankful for birthmoms.

HISIRISHGEM · 09-08-2005, 06:48 AM

I couldn't agree more! Though I'm not in the process until next summer I can't imagine knowing that even right now, my emma's BM could be pregnant or may have already given birth. I think on both ends its a very overwhelming process. There are many of us from the China adoptions that often think of the BM's. It's awful to give up a child no matter where they're from and I'm sure with the exception from some. Most you'll find, just have a loving heart for the baby and the birthparents. I guess on my end....I'm so emotional as it is even though DH have ALWAYS known we would adopt even if we could conceive (because I'm an only child who wants a HUGE family.lol)...having been unable to have children already....(not to say I won't conceive in the future someday..but find it hard to believe with a septated uterus) the ups n downs of hormonal imbalances from pcos and other issues, then dealing with research for adoption, finances, paperwork, birthcertificates, passports, shoppinglists, moving details, Financial details....and then knowing again that someone out there is losing their child so that I could gain one. Just a blessing but also brings me to downright tears....I'm happy for me, and sad for someone else. And thats what makes me want to be the best mom EmmaGrace will ever have.

Lisa67 · 09-08-2005, 09:41 AM

Thank you for your posts, Melissa & sock monkey.

I thank my daughter's birth mother every single day of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and wonder how she is, what her story is, and if she is OK. I know that I will never know her or ever meet her. That's how it is with our adoption(s)--we receive no information on our baby's background and on their end they have severed all ties, physically at least.

Although I do not have contact with her I do have contact with the orhpanage where my daughter spent nearly her first year of life and I'm trying to find her foster parents. It's often a tough road but if I can give her any glimpse into her past I'm going to do it.

Each Autumn (this year on Sept 17th/18th) we celebrate the Moon Festival. It's a day where we will be lighting lanterns at night and gathering with other adoptive families. We will hope that our wishes reach out through the night and we remember the other part of our family that isn't with us--that is in China hopefully doing the same thing. It truly is my hope that somehow her birth family knows we are thinking of them and loving them and that our daughter is safe, well, and loved.

I would never belittle a woman I don't know yet love so much. She has given me one the greatest gifts I ever could have asked for. I pray every day that she feels that across the ocean, around the world. And I hope and pray she's at peace knowing her daughter is so very loved.

Thank you again for posting.

dna · 09-08-2005, 09:43 AM

{{{ hugs }}} to you !

I have *never* thought of my sons Birthmom as a "label" good god she gave me the greatest gift in the entire world. I am able to raise him and love him and shower him with kisses and opportunities. We give special thanks to her on his Birthday and on our Gotcha/Adoption Day and well for me its just about everyday I think about her and hope she is well, even though she is on the other side of the world. He will be provided all the information on his Birthparents and will be assisted if we are requested in finding them.

I have never ever thought that the person who gives birth to my children is any less important than myself as his mother. I am sorry that our chatting in this Forum EVER gave you that thought, if it werent for Mothers like yourself there are many of us Mothers who would never ever get to parent...

So .. Thank you .. from the bottom of my heart

dna · 09-08-2005, 09:44 AM

AH-ha Lisa we posted just about at the same time

demora · 09-11-2005, 12:17 AM

Thank you for your responses. As for "when they are old enough", my son always known that he grew in Melissa's tummy and not in mommy's tummy because mommy can't grow babies. He used to stick his chest out at 4 years old and say "I'm a doctor" because he couldn't say adopted. It's something he's always grown up with. He has my pictures on his wall and he calls my mom grandma Sandy. It's not a big deal if they grow up with the idea and knowing always that their birthparents love them.

As for no contact except through the agency, that's how ours started out. But I also told them that I would be there if he ever wanted to meet me. He did, when he was about 10 years old. It was completely his decision and every time I've seen him since has been up to him.

It's not confusing at all...and in many ways I think it's very healthy for him to have me in his life, on his terms of course. I never expect him to call me mom, he's got one! But I love every moment with him and I cherish every phone conversation we have and every letter I get from him.

I also want to say that I am open to any questions. I've done birthmother panels for adopting parents. So, please feel free to ask anything...if you want to.

Melissa

~Lisa~ · 09-11-2005, 09:02 PM

I thank God for my daughters birth mother and what all she's done and what she's doing now. We're getting ready to adopt from her again and I wouldn't ever think of her as a "label". There has been times it's been hard with this adoption as well as the last but that's something we are all working thru. I will never know how my daughter and soon to be son's birth mother's heart feels and she will never know what I feel in mine but we have a bond that will be forever. We both love them so much and want only the best for them. I think about her feelings a lot. I think about what she thinks, how she feels, what she's going thru. I will never deny or lie to my children about their birth parents. I have always felt that is important. I've always sent her pictures and talked to her and right now she's here again where we live. It's something they will always know. My brother was adopted and never was able to find his birth mother or father and that always broke my heart.
Right now it's a lot of mixed emotions on both parts, but I will always have a special place in my heart for the birth parents...always.

sockmonkey · 09-13-2005, 01:15 AM

I hope that all of you adopting children know that the BM's think about you everyday and thankyou for giving their child a loving home!!

Also Melissa, I'm glad that you have a wonderful open situation with your son. For me it would have been too heartbreaking to see my son and not be able to take him home with me. It took too much out of me at the hospital. I also had a very bad childhood that involved being left at various times by both parents. It was very important to me that my son have a childhood as far removed from mine as possible. Also his parents wanted to raise him on their own without interference from me. I completely understood that, I guess that is why we were such a good match. We agreed on everything. I think that is waht is so great about adoption, there are choices and options for everyone. We show 2 different ways of adoption and we are both completely happy with our choices.

demora · 09-13-2005, 02:22 PM

sockmonkey, DEFINATELY!! There are a lot of choices out there.

I did not see my son, nor did I want anything to do with them at first. I denied my pregnancy and honestly did not know I was pregnant until about 3 days before I went into labor...heh!! imagine that! Anywho, they adopting parents are wonderful. They worked with me a lot to get through my feelings and find a happy medium. When he was six months old, I decided not to see him again until he was ready. I won't lie, it was a very long 10 years. All of the contact on their/his terms, though as time has gone on, communication has opened up a lot. I even have all of their email addresses. My son emails me whenever he wants to, and I respond. Every now and then, I send him an email just to let him know I'm thinking of him, but there is no interference from me in how they have/are raising him. They do talk with me about problems he's having and sometimes ask me to speak with him about them, which is cool.

Jewels · 09-13-2005, 04:45 PM

Melissa thank you so much for your comments! I love to hear from birthmom's on this site! It's very important to have your perspective. While we haven't been matched yet I'm hoping that the birthmom that chooses us allows us to add her to our extended family. I honestly believe it's the healthiest way to raise a child. To surround them with all the love possible how could that be harmful?

The one thing as a future adoptive mom I'm dealing with is a sense of guilt for the birthmom's possible sadness. I know it is her decision, but there's this whole feeling of one of my happiest moments in life is one of her saddest. I don't know if that makes any sense? I'm babbling. LOL

I guess what I wanted to say is thank you and please feel free to join us here and offer comments and suggestions. I'm sure we would all love to hear from you!
Warmly,
Julia
definitely.com/adoption_letter/

demora · 09-14-2005, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewels

The one thing as a future adoptive mom I'm dealing with is a sense of guilt for the birthmom's possible sadness. I know it is her decision, but there's this whole feeling of one of my happiest moments in life is one of her saddest. I don't know if that makes any sense? I'm babbling. LOL

It does make sense. I'm not sure I can offer help, but I can tell you what happened for us.

On the day Joshua (that's what I named him) went home with his parents, I chose to introduce them. I spent a few moments with our wonderful baby boy, hugged him, kissed him, promised him I would never let him down and that I would do something to ensure that if I was ever blessed with his brother or sister, that my life would be different. I never said "goodbye". I told him I would see him later.

While it was very painful to hand my son to his new family, it was comforting to know he was going to be loved and taken care of. That he'd never be in need of food or shelter. There was so much love, and we all cried. I cried for my pain and their happiness, and they cried for their happiness and my pain. We all cried for the wonderful little life that would forever be changed by that moment.

Yes, we choose to make an adoption plan for our children for whatever reasons we have. Yes it is hard, forever hard. But don't feel guilty. The only adpotive parents that should ever feel guilty are the ones who promise whatever the birthmother wants to hear and then cut off all contact and disappear. There are birthmothers out there for every situation, close, open, semi-open. Finding the one that is right for you is just as important as the birthmother finding the right adoptive parents for her child.

sockmonkey · 09-15-2005, 06:19 PM

Melissa-

I love reading about your experience. I have never spoke with anyone who gave up their child for adoption before. NO one else understands what that experience is like. I am soooooooo nervous that when my son is told about me that he will not want to meet me. If he does, I wonder if he will know me, if we will be anything alike. I spent several months getting to know the adoptive parents. They were like a second family to me. I was so worried that in the end I would not be able to give up my son. I was so attached to him and I hadn't even met him yet. Everyone told me that when I held him I would not be able to give him up. I was so worried that I was going to break this couple's heart. I told them that I did not want them in the delivery room and that I did not want to see them with the baby, that it would be too hard. When I held him for the first time it was incredible, so much love and in that instant I knew with my whole heart that I wanted the best life for him and that life would be with this couple. Every doubt and fear was erased when I saw him because the only thing that mattered was him. I decided that I wanted to see them with him. We all sat together in my hospital room passing him around and it was the most comforting thing to see him with them and to see how much they loved him.
I always get 2 different reactions to giving up my child. One, is how wonderful I am, which always makes me uncomfortable because I only did what I thought was best for my child, which doesn't make me wonderful, it makes me a mother. The second is, how could I give up my child? This mostly comes from my friends that are mothers themselves. They don't understand how I could hold him and feel that love and then give him away. So it is nice to talk to someone who understands! Thanks for listening.
Rachael

demora · 09-15-2005, 08:22 PM

Rachel, I'm glad we are both here!

I have to say, I was nervous too before I met him again. I was so scared that he wouldn't want to meet me, ever. So you can imagine how happy I was when he said he wanted to see me. I'm sure yours will want to see you too. It may take him a while to adjust to the thought. I wrote my son a letter when he was born to explain why we couldn't be together and he's always had that and from what I understand, it has been read to him as well. And the song I will always Love you, always makes me cry...lol!

I too, get the two reactions. Those who have never been in our shoes will never understand how to react to it. That it was done out of love for our children, not because of some grand scheme to be something wonderful...just to love my child and put all of my selfish feelings aside and do what was best for him. I also get the "that's the most hateful thing I've ever heard" response. That's when they get the hand and I just walk away. They have no right to judge me or anyone else.

I never say I gave him up. I always tell people that I placed him for adoption or made an adoption plan for him. I know it sounds silly...but to me it sounds more like what happened I guess.

I didn't see my son when he was born either...I didn't even want to know if he was a boy or a girl but someone forgot to tell the anethisiologist guy and he blurted it out..hee hee hee. I didn't see him while in the hospital, but I did meet the cradel care mom who came to get him and her daughter. I was told when he was born he had a full head of red hair, which has now gone to dirty blonde.