I wrote this for Sam today. Guess I just needed to share as a way to try to get it off my chest. Today's just a bad day. The phone isn't expected to ring at least until Monday or Tuesday. We're on Week 6 of "any week now" and the pain is just so intense today.
Anyone who says you can’t miss something you never had has obviously never been through the pain of infertility. Every day for the last 6 years I have missed you. Through the pills and the shots, I missed you. Through the research and the interviews.. I missed you. Through the paperwork and the long months, weeks, days and minutes, I never stopped missing you. Each time I hear a baby cry, I miss you. When I watch my friends grow big with their own blessings.. I miss you. When those miracles finally join us, each time I hold them in my arms, admire their beautiful smiles, kiss their little round heads.. I miss you even more. Every second of every minute of every day, I miss you.
I can feel you in my arms, your soft breath against my cheek as I hold you close. I can see you in your bed, resting peacefully, knowing you are loved. I feel hot tears rolling down my face, because I know these things are only a memory of something that never even was. The hole in my heart grows, just as somewhere you too are growing, to match its shape and size.
Next year became next month became next week and still you are not here with us. Empty promises only seem to highlight the gap between us. I know you must be out there. I feel you, just out of reach. I love you. I need you. Each day that passes I know you’re out there.. needing me too. I pray that you can feel my love from so far away. That God Himself is holding you close, whispering to you just how very much you are loved, wanted, needed and yes, my dear little one, you are greatly, sorely, intensely missed.
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Brandy(33) DH Dan(33)
DS Samuel Sebastian(6) - Adopted from Colombia
DD Isabelle Caiyi(5) - Adopted from China
RNY Gastric Bypass surgery 1/30/2009
Highest/Surgery/Current/Goal:
306/301/199/165
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aaww that was just beautiful I am so sorry Sam is just out of your reach right now...reach harder honey he is coming !
Chin up missy, Sam will be filling that hole in your heart and so much more in just a short time I KNOW it ....
Words of encouragement and support just dont seem enough when you feel this way though do they ? I know I have been there waiting for my boy too.... you are *not* alone we are all here for you
PM me if you want to talk I will send you my email
Take good care,
Amy
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Amy (34) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH (36)
DS (7) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DD (3)
Oct 09 - Femara 5mgs Days 3-7 BFN
Nov 09 - Femara 5mgs Days 3-7
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oh sweetie, i am so sorry, Sam is such a lucky boy to have a mom who has had the patience to wait so long for him.
i am sure wherever he is, a part of him feels the love of his mommy, i pray the creator is keeping him safe,
life is hard
I remember those long nights when we waited for Jessica to be conceived and then even longer waiting for Emily. I know it's so hard knowing Sam is out there and you are just wanting to know he is OK and coming home soon.
It's a beautiful letter you wrote him. I know that some day he will cherish it deeply. And I'm sure he'll have tears in his eyes just like me.
(((((HUGS)))))
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Happily married for 19 years & mommy to 3 beautiful daughters
~13 year old (born preemie @ 24 weeks), 5.5 year old & 3.5 year old (both born in China!)~
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You know how they say that labor pains are forgotten once the baby arrives? Well, I know from experience that the stress, anxiety, pain, fear and loneliness is forgotten once our adopted children arrive.
I know that doesn't seem to help you much right now but try to cherish these moments and memories right now.
This moment is yours Brandy. Once Sam is here, it will be ALL ABOUT HIM!!! Then, your friends and family will say "Brandy who? I want to hold Sam!"
Thank you all so much for all your support. I'm trying to force myself to feel better today and to stop thinking about it all the time. A little hard to do with the cell phone permanently attached to me. I know there's nothing I can do but just wait and pray. I know it'll all be worth it when Sam is in my arms.. but I just can't shake the longing.
__________________
Brandy(33) DH Dan(33)
DS Samuel Sebastian(6) - Adopted from Colombia
DD Isabelle Caiyi(5) - Adopted from China
RNY Gastric Bypass surgery 1/30/2009
Highest/Surgery/Current/Goal:
306/301/199/165
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I sure could feel everything you wrote to little Sam. I guess we all go through it. I am sooooo sure that phone is going to ring this week. You are all in my prayers.
Stacy
__________________ Me 39
DH 42
DS 13 Lord help me survive the teenage years!!!
What God brings you to,
He will bring you through it.
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Oh Brandy... that letter to Sam was beautifully written and so heartwrenching to read. I understand how you are missing your little guy and wanting him so much... through the 3 long months that we had to wait for a second court date, I never knew how I was going to make it through another day.... but somehow the days go by and then, at long last, the day that you have been waiting for somehow arrives and you get to hold your sweet baby in your arms and it is sooooooo worth all the waiting, pain, agony, sadness and everything else. Dawn is right... once the adoption is complete, all of this fades away and is replaced by a joy so intense that you cry every day with happiness. Your day of joy is coming and we are all praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way... (((((((hugs)))))) hang in there... and keep coming here for support as you wait for that *%$#^%! phone to ring!!!!!
__________________ Me: 40 DH: 40 Married 04/21/01
dx pcos 1998; have been on Metformin for 6 yrs (2000 mg/day)
Ectopic pg 08/02 ... HSG 09/02 -- all clear
Five failed clomid rounds as of 2/27/03
Laparoscopy 03/11/03; found multiple fibroids and endometriosis
3 rounds of Gonal-F injections with IUI's -- all a BUST!!
Myomectomy on July 8, 2003 to remove fibroids.
Adopted the Light of My Life on July 14th, 2004 from St. Petersburg, Russia
Oh that was so beautiful.... You are making me cry. I will pray that you get your son SOON. Enough of this waiting already. He is almost here - and will be worth every second you waited for him. When you hold him in your arms you will realize that this painful journey you made to get him was all worth it - because if you hadn't gone through everything you did you wouldn'y be with Sam - this child, this boy. He was meant to be your baby.
Keep us posted. I lurk every now and then on the Adoption boards.....can't wait to see you on the mommy board!
Still nothing I emailed the program director today to see if she had heard anything at all. She said she asks every time she calls down there but they still say there are no babies to be assigned. She did say that after a certain length of time (she wasn't sure how long) if a child is not assigned, they have to send our dossier back to the main office to be sent to a different region. That would mean starting the initial "3-4 week" period again and hoping it doesn't turn into an endless wait as well. I'm not really sure if that would be a good thing or not. Seems like our luck, Bogota would get babies the day after our dossier was sent back.
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Brandy(33) DH Dan(33)
DS Samuel Sebastian(6) - Adopted from Colombia
DD Isabelle Caiyi(5) - Adopted from China
RNY Gastric Bypass surgery 1/30/2009
Highest/Surgery/Current/Goal:
306/301/199/165
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I miss my baby 
