I Need Help!!!!

snfr02chic · 01-10-2008, 11:33 AM

Ok, so I made this post on the newlywed thread that I'm on, but I figured maybe I could get even more help by posting it under the adoption part of SC.....

Ok, so ladies...I need some advice. Well more like I need you guys to think of some pros and cons for me. I'll try to make this as short as possible!

Our old neighbor is about 87 years old (let's call her Ann). Ann is now raising her great-great granddaughter. Her kids were bums and so she raised her grandkids, and even one of her great-grandkids (call her Melissa) and is now raising that persons child. So she is 87 year old raising a 3 year old. She had a guardian set up for the 3 year old (we'll call her Ashley) when she dies, but now that has fallen through. She called me last night and asked DH and I to think about taking custody of Ashley when Ann dies. Now keep in mind, she wasn't just some neighbor asking a stranger to do this. We lived next to each other for over 15 years until I moved out and then eventually my parents moved as well. As it stands now, my DSD and Ashley get together every couple of months, even with the age difference they get along great...on a short-term level since that is all we have experienced as of yet. But Ann has always been like another grandmother to me, since she looks/acts just like my great-grandma...so please don't think we are strangers.

Here is a little background, Ashley's mom, Melissa, ditched her about 2 years ago. She up and left without telling anyone where she was going, and is now living with another woman somewhere in some other state. She has not seen Ashley in 2 years. Ashley doesn't even call her mom, she calls Ann her mom. Her dad is a total loser. He fought for custody after Melissa disappeared, but he only got visitation every other Saturday only during the days. Needless to say, he has not seen her in about 6 months either. He also has 3 DUI's and was charged with molesting his 4 year old niece several years ago, but since he was under 18 that record is locked and they refused to take that into consideration during the custody battle. He has shown up drunk to pick her up, just an all around winner...completely! The main problem is this, when Melissa was around, she screwed over her whole family, so now all of her siblings and close family are refusing to take Ashley because of what Melissa did to them...ie stole money, items from their house, got CC's in their names and racked them up...so she royally screwed over the only close family she has ever had. Ann took in Ashley when Melissa left because she already lived there and nobody else would take her. Ann is a great mom to Ashley and has always treated her wonderfully. But like I said, dad is a real loser, none of Melissa's family will take Ashley because of what Melissa did to them several years ago...and so we are stuck. Melissa has one older brother who is in his 50's, but he is not married and works long hours. So, other than DH and I, the only other option for Ashley is A)with her loser dad that could potentially molest her B) with her uncle who is working all the time and she would be at a sitter all the time or C) come with us, married couple, I'm at home during days, DH is at home during nights. We have a nice house, Christian family, etc.

So, I am 100% percent for taking Ashley. I don't see another option. I know it's a huge jump for us since we have never had a kid here full-time. But who is to say it could be tomorrow or 10 years from now. I don't know when Ann might die (as morbid as that sounds). But DH is still on the fence. So here is where you guys come in. Any pros or cons that you guys can think of, I want them all! Financial problems, emotional possibly physical, anything! We have already put it in the works that Ashley will come over the weekends that DSD is here just to make sure everyone does well. They are like best friends anyway, but have never lived together. So again, if you guys can think of anything please let me know!

Thank you all...this means a lot to me! I need a lot of help and prayer with this decision..it's not something small that I can just say sure to. Also, I know that DH will go with whatever I decide, but if it's meant for her to come with us one day, I want DH to want her. I don't want her feeling like a stupid step-child her whole life and everyone leaving her out. I won't stand for that. I went through with my step-dad's family at Christmas time and I refuse to put a child through that. We have already explained to our family that if we decide to take her, whenever it may be, that either she be treated just like DSD gets treated, or they will then lose a relationship with all of us. It's not fair for a child to lose her only mother and not gain any family in return, I just won't stand for it. So we need prayer for that, that if we take her, again whenever it may be, that all of DH's family will accept her like another grandchild.

Thanks again!

alexander4372 · 01-10-2008, 12:33 PM

Wow this is a big decision and one that you and your husbund will have to be both on board for. One thing I would look into more is the legal part of this all. When Ann dies can she leave custody to you and your husband or will the father get a say in all this. Have Ann call and find out what legal rights she has to appoint a new gardianship to someone. Or you could end up in a custody fight with relitives or the father and that can cost quite a lot of money.

Other than that I think if you are willing to take her in and love her as your own daughter it is an awsome thing and a blessing to you guys and her. I think its a very good idea for you to be involved in her life as much as possible to make the transition smooth when the time comes. Weekends with your family sound like a great idea and can give Grandma a break.

Good luck in your decision.

snfr02chic · 01-10-2008, 12:54 PM

Thanks for the advice...I forgot to add, that we have talked to her about the whole custody battle portion of it because we don't have the money or the time to fight with her father and make it a huge situation like it was in the past. It will list guardianship in her will, but DH both agreed that it would be best if she let us adopt her now, and then just let her have temp. custody of her (which is what she has now) so that she can keep her until she feels she can't take it anymore, but that way the adoption is already paid for and over-with!! It would be ideal!

alexander4372 · 01-11-2008, 12:37 PM

Sounds like a good plan but just be aware that adopting her will not be easy if the parents aren't willing to sign the papers giving her up for adoption, We went though that we had custody of our dd first and then went for adoption and ended up fighting the parents. When adopting her you will have to notify the bio mother and father and they are given a choice to sign the papers or challenge you in court. just and FYI for you. Good Luck

Legal Eagle · 01-11-2008, 12:49 PM

I think the legal aspect will be a huge problem. Without Grandma having custody, she can't give you guardianship. If you really want to do this then you need to adopt her before. Custody is always reviewable by courts, so even if grandma got custody, dies, and gives you guardianship, mom and dad can come back, and will have good grounds for getting custody no matter how awful they are. Courts tend to give custody to biological parents over anyone else unless the reasons are incredibly compelling.

Good luck!

snfr02chic · 01-12-2008, 04:41 PM

Thanks ladies! You guys are right, sometimes the court system does suck. I know that Ann talked to a lawyer and the lawyer said all she had to do was put legal guardian in her will and as long as the will was legal that part would be too. But I hadn't thought of the whole adoption part of it. I completely forgot you had to notify both parents of that. The mom wouldn't be a problem since she has several warrants out for her in this state, so she won't be returning anytime soon, it would be the father and his stupid hill-billy mom that would pose a problem. All good points though, thank you very much for bringing my attention to that situation!!

Miss-Meme · 01-13-2008, 02:30 AM

I was also going to post about the legal part of it. Even thought Ann puts it in her will that you will have guardianship you too will just have temp. custody.

If this is too be she needs to look now into getting the parents to sign so she can be adopted.

dillydaydreams · 01-13-2008, 11:43 AM

Wow, Poor kid. I hope if u decide to adopt that it will go smoothly as it sounds like u and your hubby would look after her and love her like your own. I live in Ireland so I dont know how adoption law works as in Ireland there is an age limit which is 35 and when we went for adoption we were told we couldn't even put our name down even though I was 27. There is also a 10 yr waiting list for foreign adoption. Luckily we had IVF and it worked thank god and science. All u can do is try to get her parents to agree just say how much u love this child and want to adopt her and will give her the best life possible, and if they have any hearts at all they will have peace of mind knowing their kid is with good people. I so hope ye get her, as she deserves the best. Good luck with it all

dillydaydreams · 01-13-2008, 11:45 AM

reason we couldn't put name down was my hubby was 37 and they go by the oldest in the relationship, it sucks

snfr02chic · 01-13-2008, 02:16 PM

Ok, so there is a slight glitch in the situation. DH wanted to talk to my uncle about the whole situation. My uncle is very rich, had kids at 45 and is totally against anything and everything that would put us even 1 dollar back. I know he is looking out for me, like he got rich by saving his money...I would much rather have a family than be rich. Not saying I'm going to purposely put myself into huge debt, but money isn't always everything!

So we talked to my uncle, and of course he completely talked down on the whole thing and said that we needed to wait 3-5 years in our marriage to have kids. So when we got off the phone with him, not only was DH 100% percent against getting Ashley.....he also said he wanted to stop TTC. I have an appt. on Tuesday to go get started on clomid so we can start TTC.

So we got into a heated debate last night...not a fight....but I ended up leaving and calling my mom bawling, because now he has just shown me, that we can't have kids for a while, we can't accept Ashley when that time ever came, AND by the way DH sounded last night, he is 100% against adopting period. He says he can't take care of a child that isn't his. I guess that hurts me more than anything because I have taken his daughter in and done everything for her. I spend all of my free money on her, all of my love goes to her, she gets all of my time when she is here, and for him to say that he could never do that for another child just completely shattered who I thought he was.

I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. It's morning, or afternoon now and I'm still just as upset. I didn't want this to turn into a fight, but I'm so dissapointed and hurt that I don't know how else to act.

Miss-Meme · 01-13-2008, 06:07 PM

I'm sorry it turned out so badly for you. I hope you can work it out.

I just don't understand why a person would say they can's love a child because it's not their blood. He loves you don't he...your not his blood!

He didn't love you the first time he seen you did he? No he fell in love with you...you fall in love with people...it's the same with children!

snfr02chic · 01-13-2008, 06:52 PM

I know, you are 100% correct...I'm so outraged right now that it blew up this badly that I just want to leave and stay somewhere else for a few days. Luckily I have to work the next 2 nights so I won't be around him until Wed. night...thank God!! I completely didn't expect this response from him!