I need some christian advice please (long)

Hope1142005 · 12-29-2005, 12:26 AM

I need some marriage advice. I want to warn you before you read any farther that this has to do with sex. I dont want to offend anyone. But im very worried about where my marriage is heading & I need advice. I dont have anyone that I can talk to about this kind of situation.

My husband & I met on the internet. When we first started talking online, he wasnt in church & neither was I. As bad as I hate to admit this, we both talked about some kinky things. We also had intercourse before we were married. When we were dating we talked to each other while we were being intimate. I guess what you call naughty talking. Anyway when we dated, he wasnt afraid to try anything new. Our sex life was pretty good. Before we got married though, he started helping me to learn about God. No one had ever took the time to teach me about God & the wonderful things he can do for you. My husband was raised in a good christian home & had never been far from God. He has done things he isnt proud of but he has always had a relationship with God. We got married in Jan of 2005 and we are deeply in love. The only problem we have in our marriage is sex issues. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband does. Sometimes that causes problems because he doesnt want or need it as often as I do. But lately another problem in our sex life has came up. Lately when we are together sexually, I feel like he isnt really " there" with me. I feel like he is miles away or something. And he doesnt make a sound. He no longer talks to me or moans or anything like that. Ive tried talking to him about this and he says he is to shy to talk to me while making love. When we dated, he had NO problem what so ever. He would say really really really kinky things. Im not asking him to talk that way to me now, just tell me if what we are doing feels good and that kind of thing. But he wont do it. He refuses to try anything new. Not even different positions. We do the exact same thing every single time. I have gotten really bored with our love life. I have tried talking to him about it & it does no good. He just looks at me like im nuts. I tried talking to him about all of this yesterday & of course he didnt say much of anything to me & he stayed to himself all evening yesterday & he is doing the same thing today. I dont know what else to do. When we go through these issues about sex, I dont feel as close to him. To me, making love is a bonding period. Its very special to me. Like I said earlier, I have a high sex drive but lately im not even interested anymore because I know its going to be the same thing all over again. He wont even kiss my neck. He knows thats a turn on to me & he wont do anything like that. When he touches me during foreplay, I have a very strong feeling that he doesnt want to touch me. I cant explain what im trying to say here but something is different. One time he did say something about not wanting to talk sexy to me while we were making love, because he didnt think God would approve of it. I told him I understood that & I started looking up all kinds of information about that on the internet. I found several websites that explain, according to the bible, whats ok & whats not ok with sex in married couples. I showed him that the things I was interested in, that we had once done with no problem at all, was ok and he still refuses to do anything. I would like some christian advice please. Does anyone else have this kind of problem? Or am I all alone in this? Im so worried about whats going to happen to my marriage if this isnt worked out soon. Ive tried to get him to talk to a preacher or someone that he trusts & looks up to but he wont do it. In advice will be very helpful. Thank you in advance.

tendaironi · 12-29-2005, 01:12 AM

Your husband is probably feeling that he has to make up for what he did in the past before you were married. He feels that he knew better but you didn't so he has to do things right for the sake of your marriage. I know what he is going through as I was raised in a christian home too and I am preacher's kid. There is not much you can do or say to make him want to have sex with you when he doesn't want to talk to you about it or go to a marriage counselor. Sex between husband and wife is holy because as you know the bible says that the marriage bed is holy.

That means it is also good and to be enjoyed, God ordained and designed it to be pleasurable. Many christians think that they have to behave a certain way, can't enjoy sex or follow rules in order to go to heaven, but God is not requiring that of us. We put ourselves in more bondage because we think that is what we have to do to be good, righteous. But the goodness and grace of God is that, if you have recognized that you have done something wrong, you can apologize and be forgiven and God treats you as if you had never done anything wrong. So you walk tall and hold your head up high with no reason to be ashamed.

Sex is also a way for you to minister to your husband, so the times he is willing to have sex take advantage of that. For men to feel connected to their wives, they usually need to have sex, it is just a matter of wiring. So while you are literally making love to your husband, allow yourself to open up and give all of your love to him, express it through your body. Also while your husband is in the middle of sex, silently (in your head) pray for him beginning, during and after (while you are holding each other). Not only is it giving to your husband it makes it very special for you. Pray for him (quietly) at night while he is sleeping. Your prayer will really be Lord let this man know how much I love him and let my husband be able to forgive himself. Whatever he does you really need to keep in mind that through the act of ministering and giving of yourself to your husband, that you will be changed from the experience too. So even if he does not respond to it well or at all just keep on because you will have a better understanding of God and sex. Believe me, sex is really good when you pray during.

You should read Bob Yandian's book, One Flesh. It is a great christian book about sex and it will help you understand God's viewpoint on sex. Have it laying around the house and maybe your husband will pick it up and read it.

Hope1142005 · 12-29-2005, 02:23 AM

Thank you so much for your reply. What you said makes perfect since. You have made me feel alot better. I do have a question about something you mentioned. The part about how christians think they cant enjoy sex. Why is that? Ive seen alot on the internet about that. From what ive read its mostly christian women that feel that way, but I dont understand why they feel that way. I still have so much to learn about God but I honestly believe that God wants us all to enjoy making love to our spouse. Its something so special. He woudnt want us to feel guilty. I just thought you might be able to help me to understand that more. Again thank you so much for your help. Im very thankful.

kittykisses · 12-29-2005, 04:57 AM

I think a lot of women believe enjoying sex isn't a Christian thing to do , because they have been misinformed about the interpretation of the Bible. My own mother, who was pregnant 5 times, believed sex to be an absolute sin.She thought only men wanted and enjoyed sex and the only reason for that was procreation. She thought that in the Bible when it said Eve tempted Adam with "the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge", she actually tempted him with her sexual organs, which Satan-the serpent-had introduced her to. When Adam accepted her advances, his eyes were opened to the "truth" (knowledge--he "knew" his wife).( Maybe that's why some people crudely refer to breasts as "melons"? I don't know.)

That's just my theory. My dad swears that my mom could get pregnant just by him thinking about sex. She never liked it, never wanted it and never forgave him when he wanted it. It ended up costing them their marriage.

tariana · 12-29-2005, 05:00 AM

I see from your signature that your DH is a lot older than you. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Hope1142005 · 12-29-2005, 06:38 AM

I really dont think it has anything to do with the age difference. We had no problem when we dated. We were on the same page then, its just different now. He & I had a long talk earlier. I did my best to explain how I feel & why I feel the way I do. He is just concerned about what God would approve of & not approve of sexually. He said he was going to be praying about it. Ive been praying about it & I will continue to pray about it as well. I know things are going to work out. We have a great relationship. We are deeply in love with each other and we want to be together every minute of the day. When we are in the car we are holding hands, we tell each other & that we love each other a million times a day. We know God put us together & when we said till death do us part, we meant it. We both have faith that God will get us through this. Thank you so much for the replies.

MiWolverineMommie · 12-29-2005, 08:19 AM

I would keep praying. Maybe he is just adjusting to married life sex. I know my Dh felt very guilty for our sex life before we were married. Maybe your Dh is just dealing with the guilt now. If it doesn't get better I would make counseling a MUST.

I see that you are TTC. That sometimes turns guys off completely if they feel like they are making a baby and not making love to their wife. Sort of the "one more thing to do today" thought pattern. Perhaps he has some possible Dad-to-be issues as well that are holding him back.

cysterof2miracles · 12-29-2005, 08:40 AM

Could also be that now you are ttc that he looks at you differently and respects you more and thinks he shouldn't be talking to you naughty if you are going to be parents.
My husband is like yours almost to a T!

omcv · 12-29-2005, 10:28 AM

My only suggestion is to put his needs first and then your needs will be fulfilled. After all is is better to give then to receive. My DH and I are just the opposite. I feel bad that at times I turn him away, but I make up for later when I am physcially able.

tendaironi · 12-29-2005, 08:03 PM

My opinion is that when married people make love it is a form of worshipping God. I'll tell you why, he told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, even before that when God formed Eve, he took Eve from Adam and when Adam woke from the deep sleep he looked at Eve and said Oh this is the she of me, man with a womb. When Adam and Eve had sex, the bible says he knew her, meaning he becamed joined with her again like they were before Eve was formed. The bible also says that the man should leave his parent's home and cleave to his wife. Cleave. That signifies to me that there is some close, intimate sex involved where your spirits are joining.

The church when it was all organized, not in bible days, actually used to tell people that sex was evil because woman is the cause of the original sin. Eve eating the apple. How were Adam and Eve supposed to multiply all over the earth if they did not have sex? Thomas Aquinias and St. Francis of Assisi have writings on this subject of sex. Then they said sex wasn't evil if it is meant for procreation. Really denying the spiritual aspect of making love. All of these are lies that put God's children especially women in bondage. So really the bottom line is that God wants more than anything is for people to chose to love Him and worship Him in spirit and in truth, with ALL that we are right now and not what we will be one day. He also loves us in that same fashion, right now with all of our quirks, desires, and flaws. By withholding things from God, like our desire to have and enjoy sex with our mate, we end up compartmentalizing ourselves. Saying that this is good for God to see and know about but this isn't. Which is kind of silly because God knows our heart and desires even before we know them.

So I will sum up what I am trying to say with this story. When I was a little girl I was sitting naked on the toilet seat having a bowel movement. I looked up and realized that God was everywhere and he was even watching me at that moment. So I started feeling ashamed of God seeing me naked having a bowel movement, because you know, that is gross!! So I asked him not to look. That is what we do when we try to act like sex is bad between a husband and wife, it is silliness to hide and be ashamed of something that is natural and what God designed our bodies to do. We are also commanded to be fruitful and multiply, so we worship God with our obedience to having sex with our spouses!

Hope1142005 · 12-30-2005, 03:51 PM

Thank you so much for the replies. You have all helped me so much. I dont know what I would do without this message board. I have friends but I cant trust any of them with this kind of issue. Its a great feeling to know that I can come to this board & open up & tell everything thats on my mind & not be judged or gossiped about. Thank you so much again. You have really helped me to understand more about christian sex. Thank you.

God bless.

Tusi2 · 01-04-2006, 10:43 PM

Okay ladies, just thought I'd jump in here with a few more scriptures to help.
We've already had Gen. 1:28 covered, but it's interesting to note that the first mention of their having sex was after they had been expelled from the Garden of Eden Gen. 2:17; 3:17,23; 4:1. Besides which, it doesn't make sense for God to give them a command and then punish them for it!
Then after the flood God blessed Noah at Gen. 9:1, this restatement shows that despite what God had wiped out with the flood His viewpoint toward lawful sex had not changed.
Two more scriptures I wanted to introduce are Prov. 5:18,19 "Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovable hind and a charming mountain goat (obviously looking at the qualities here!). Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly." - I added the italics part in
So if it was just for procreation or something dirty to God you wouldn't be intoxicating would you?!!
And finally 1 Cor. 7:3-5 "Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband. The wife does not exercise authority over her own body, but her husband does; likewise, also, the husband does not exercise authority over his won body, but his wife does. do not be depriving each other of it, except by mutual consent for an appointed time, that you may devote time to prayer and may come together again, that Satan may not keep tempting you for your lack of self regulation."
The "due" being the marriage due that is sexual relations.
I hope this helps, whenever DH and I have a problem it really helps for him to pray for us together.

soonermomma03 · 01-05-2006, 06:17 AM

Have you guys read Song of Soloman? I suggest that you and your DH pull out your Bibles and read it together. Naked if you want.

I can say that I used to have a very high sex drive. DH and I were both virgins, and I really enjoyed sex for the first year, and then I went off BCP and started having PCOS problems. It's been downhill ever since then. DH for the most part is pretty good about it, we do have sex, but I'm generally not in to it. It is something that I haven't been able to change. DH doesn't force me to have sex, but when we do, that is honestly all it ever is, sex, it isn't making love. It sucks, but every marriage goes through difficult times, and this seems to be ours.

I would ask him to pray with you about it.

1The king says to the Shulammite woman,
"You are so beautiful, my love!
So beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are like doves.
Your hair flows like a flock of black goats
coming down from Mount Gilead.
2Your teeth are as clean as a flock of sheep.
Their wool has just been clipped.
They have just come up from being washed.
Each of your teeth has its twin.
Not one of them is alone.
3Your lips are like a bright red ribbon.
Your mouth is so lovely.
Your cheeks behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.
4Your neck is strong and beautiful like the tower of David.
That tower is built with beautiful stones.
A thousand shields are hanging on it.
All of them belong to mighty soldiers.
5Your two breasts are lovely.
They are like two young antelopes
that eat among the lilies.
6I will go to the mountain of myrrh.
I'll go to the hill of incense.
I'll stay there until the day begins
and the shadows fade away.
7Every part of you is so beautiful, my love.
There is no flaw in you.
http://bibleresources.bible.com/pass...+4&version1=76
The woman says,
16"Wake up, north wind!
Come, south wind!
Blow on my garden.
Then its sweet smell will spread everywhere.
Let my love come into his garden.
Let him taste its fine fruits."

To me, it is very evident that there was some "pillow talk" going on.

If it is you and your husband, then it is good in God's eyes.

Hope1142005 · 01-08-2006, 11:58 PM

Ive tried everything I can think of & nothing has changed. He & I had a 2 hour talk one night. I did most of the talking. I think he was listening but then again he might not have been. I ask him questions about his feelings. Gave him plenty of room to ad his opinion or feelings on many different subjects. I told him how I feel when he doesnt want to be with me sexually & try new things. We have went into several different christian stores lately & ive looked through the books on relationships. I found one that I thought would really help us. It was kind of expensive so I didnt get it that day. I thought I would check at books a million & see about the price of it there. Well I did that today. Hubby went with me. He woudnt stay in the christian relationship area but for a few minutes at a time. They had so many books that I really wanted to get. I found the one I was wanting & tried showing him different passages in the book & he would look at it but I dont think he was reading it. As we were leaving I had a strong feeling that he wasnt interested in the book. My purpose of buying the book was for us to read it together. I ask him before I went to the cashier, I said, " be honest, are you going to read this book & try to change our initmacy?" and he replied, " i will read it" I ask him, '" are you not going to try anything you read in the book to change & help our marriage" and again he says, " I will read it" I could tell from the look on his face and the tone of his voice that he really didnt care about it. So I said ok. I went & put the book back on the shelve where I got it & we havent spoke to each other since. I watch Joel Osteen & love him sooooo much. I love his approach to living a positive life. He is always talking about not giving up & keep on pushing forward. My husband and I have only been married for a year. I have approached this situation every single way I know how. He has refused every single attempt ive made to help us have a better relationship. Joel always says not to give up and ive always did my best to keep going forward but after today, im tired of trying to make something happen that my husband is dead against happening. Joel says that " everything is subject to change" and I have kept telling myself that day after day. But my husband has to want to change before that change can take place and from the best I can tell, my husband is enjoying us not being together intimately & enjoying us fussing about this all the time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It really means alot to me. It seems that you all care about my marriage more than my husband does.
Thank you again.

Hope

Tusi2 · 01-09-2006, 02:37 AM

Dear Sweet Hope,

Please do not give up on your husband and your marriage. It may be that for the time being you will have to keep relying on Jehovah God to help you to endure through this and provide you with the support you need to find other ways to enjoy your marriage. Jesus encouraged us to seek first the Kingdom, so perhaps if you two can focus on your spiritual relationship, other areas may open up. Remember that Satan draws us out with our own temptations so it's important to build as strong and close a relationship with God and with your husband as you can.
I know this must be hard for you, but try to put it from your mind for now and remember that there are plenty of cysters who are here for you, whenever you need to chat/rant/explode!!
Keep the faith Phil 4:6,7
Love
Caroline