I need some help...

colbond · 10-10-2008, 02:27 AM

I've been lurking here for awhile now, but haven't registered to post until tonight. My girlfriend of 3 years has (most probably) PCOS. We both knew there was something amiss, but it really took finding other peoples' stories here to put a name to it. Being students, she doesn't have health insurance and hasn't been diagnosed and prescribed any medication. Reading what other people are doing, we've tried a few different supplement treatments, but haven't had a whole lot of luck.

Here's why i need help. The last few months, especially the last couple weeks, have been bad. I don't feel like she's all that interested in me anymore, and I think its being driven by the mood changes PCOS can cause. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting frustrated because I don't feel very wanted, and it seems like she's just retreating into her own world. I need some encouragement and advice from somewhere.

The Man of the Board · 10-10-2008, 08:07 AM

Bro, Great on you learning what you can about PCOS if this is what is going on. Now there are free clinic's or there use to me, am i showing my age here. That might be able to help I dont know male here. 2 nd PLZ PLZ dont buy the meds listen here on the internet just cuase you can IT might not be PCOS.
I know where you coming from not feeling wanted, we were in about our 7th year of marriage when something was not right, we were trying to have kids with no luck so we went to the doctors which was in Germany. Not the best of health care over there or at least i dont like how my wife was treated but thats a different story. You got to remind her you are there for her, I am telling you if you give the little things to help her it goes a mile. And by god TALK to each other about every little feeling you are having heres the kicker tho YOU CANT GET MAD and try not to make her mad as well.
I want you to know this is not a easy battle but getting thru it has Great rewards. If she is the one she is going to know and remenber everything you did for not only her but the relatation that you both have. Here another pointer, (its not always about you). You are saying retreating into her own world well she is. You see PCOS is wonder about making the ones we love hate the very skin they are in, and by god there is nothing you can really do but be there. If you want to totally kill the way she thinks about herself give up and leave. NO NO NO dont think of how it effects you when you are thrown aside. IF you have not IT SUCKS. so dont do this.

Your a step up my firend instead of running even with 3 years in you decided to stay. Learn what you can talk on the boards. I love my wife, I did not say until now we just had our 10 year anniversary yea i know i killed the word but you get what i am saying. Our relatation is wonderful I could not thinking about spending it with someone else.

I feel for you I really do but it gets better as time goes. This has been another Rant brought to you by TMofB. Ill be on the boards if you need to talk. I found a heaven when i found the info and just being able to post my feeling.

ladyinautumne · 10-12-2008, 03:08 PM

Your level of commitment and understanding is extraordinary, sir.

Now, to address your concerns, I suspect that your gf's seeming loss of interest in your relationship could reflect a lack of self-esteem. As a PCOS woman, I can relate to being unsatisfied with my body image, and not feeling confident in my ability to attract a man and/or hold his interest.

Remind her daily of how beautiful and sexy she is to you.

Poor thing, she must feel helpless, with no health insurance and limited resources. I was in the same boat up until 6 months ago. Being without health insurance is what lead me to seek out "community acupuncture". It's low-cost and is becoming increasingly popular across the States! Works for me.

colbond · 10-13-2008, 02:33 AM

Thanks for your comments, both of you.

I think you're right about the self-image. I try to compliment her when I can, but she typically rejects it. I don't really know how to react to that. She's trying to lose a little weight currently, and I'll agree with anyone who says doing so with PCOS is hard. We've exercised and eaten about the same the last few years. I've lost over 40 pounds, she says she's gained some (I don't see it, but I'm not going to question her).

I'd love to find a supplement treatment that might help her until she can get on some insurance next year.

Thanks again.

dillydaydreams · 10-13-2008, 09:35 PM

Hi,
Just to say welcome to the board!
My hubby is having same problems with me i.e. always saying how gorgeous I am etc but I just can't see it, and find it soooooo hard to lose weight and even when I have lost weight I get the bloating which I describe to my hubby as been 8 mths pregnant, which I know how that feels as we have a son via ivf, so basically she probably feels 8 mths pregnant, and that is not a very nice feeling when you are not pregnant.
I am not obese about 28lbs overweight (in my opinion)...
It is a very hard journey especially if you cannot be treated due to financial or insurance etc.
The only advise I can give in the meantime is eat like a diabetic, i.e. eat REGULAR MEALS my main problem I was gaining weight due to not eating regular. If you go to any diabetic website they will give dietry advice to keep insulin level throughout the day.
Sorry so longwinded, hope it helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{ohjoy} · 10-13-2008, 11:16 PM

Wow, I think you're a great guy and sticking by her side will benefit her more than leaving her alone. I have times when I shut down and don't want to communicate with anyone but in the end I always appreciate the efforts that my loved ones put in just to let me know they are here for me. I find it amazing that you're learning more about the syndrome, kudos to you!!!

I am also in a situation now as a student and not having the health care needed which stresses me out more because I always think that things are getting worse while I can't do anything about it because of financial situations. I have to save and then pay out of pocket but it takes forever. Good luck to you both and I wish you the best in your relationship.

CarrieBerry · 10-14-2008, 06:10 AM

Having PCOS isn't easy, especially when you can't get a diagnosis. Have you tried your local health department or Planned Parenthood? I believe both have a "sliding scale" for payment, or at least the ones around here do.

In the mean time, just be supportive of her. I know you are feeling unwanted, but it is probably just because she's experiencing some of the many unpleasant symptoms of PCOS. No, it isn't fair to you that you don't feel wanted, but hopefully in time that will change when your gf can get the help she needs. Good luck!

mlinn · 10-14-2008, 05:43 PM

As a woman with PCOS I applaud your desire to learn more.

It is very easy to have self esteem and mood swing disorders with PCOS. I internalize everything and second guess everything sometimes.

I have recently experienced CRAZY mood swings and my gyno did the ultrasound and I have two HUGE cysts on both my ovaries. I think it is in direct correlation to the mood swings.

In the state where I live there are free clinics and as I work in insurance I know that many times state health programs can be obtained for girls in your girlfriends situation. Ask about family planning which covers a pap smear and birth control medicine.

Talk to your gf about going to the Department of Health and having at least a pap smear done. Birth Control Pills seem to be the number one medicine prescribed to girls with PCOS....and she should be able to get those for free at the health department.

Laurzfish · 10-15-2008, 12:30 AM

Everyone has already posted some great responses, but to reiterate a few things. While medications can help with PCOS, they are not the key to controlling the disease, most meds are off label use. My doctors continually tell me that PCOS can and needs to be controlled through diet and exercise. Some people are able to do this without relying on meds at all. Also, once weight loss is achieved, it helps because your body starts producing less insulin (but you obviously don't want to tell her to lose weight, other than because it is healthy. Fish oil is also supposed to be a really good supplement for IR and you can get that anywhere (just try to buy the purest form you can find). And planned parenthood would be a good place to go for medical care.

brandyberry · 10-20-2008, 12:43 AM

Great of you to work through it with her! Since you mentioned you aren't sure how to react to her when she shoots down compliments, I thought I'd share a communication technique I learned for dealing with deflected compliments. Compliment what's good, make a statement about why it's good, and then ask a question about whatever it is. The idea is that if you make a statement and then ask a question about the statement, people will begin to accept the truth of what you just said. So, just for example, where you might say, You look great, and she might reply, I feel fat, try this instead:

What: You look great. Why: Very sexy. Question: What do you say we go out tonight?

That way, instead of disagreeing with you about how she looks, she can focus on answering the question you asked. I hope this helps!

brandyberry · 10-20-2008, 12:49 AM

Another thing to consider - metformin is a commonly prescribed treatment for PCOS, and is available on Wal-Mart's $4 Rx program. So if she is able to go to a free clinic/family planning as others suggested and that treatment is appropriate for her, then it is available cheaply. I don't think you have to have insurance to get the $4 price.

colbond · 10-20-2008, 02:24 AM

Thanks to everybody for the advice and kind words. I certainly don't intend to go anywhere, but it's easy to get frustrated sometimes and a bit of encouragement helps.

From what I've read online, I agree that the consensus seems to be that weight loss is the best cure, but it also sounds like it's very difficult for women with PCOS to lose weight. If someone is able to help control symptoms with medication or supplement treatments, is that likely to help weight loss? If it does and some weight is lost, does that further help to reduce symptoms?

The student health center seems to be reasonably affordable, but she's had very bad experiences there in the past with doctors not taking things very seriously. It's a comment I hear from a lot of people at the university. Does anyone know how long it takes for metformin to work, if it's going to?

Thanks again, everybody.

TheGigglingFrog · 10-20-2008, 02:07 PM

Way to go on trying to find a solution!

I think it might help if you focus on her mind and soul for a while. I know I have had many times when I feel the focus has been on my broken body that has betrayed DH and me. I don't feel valued for my mind and spirit, I have just felt broken and need to be cast aside. Maybe just take a break from focusing on improving, it implies that one isn't at a satisfactory level, does that make sense? Let her take the lead on how and when she takes steps to help her situation change, just be her smiling support.

Carrieberry & Brandyberry both mentioned some options... planned parenthood/community clinic, and Rx aren't necessarily budget breakers. Also, many doctors have affordable prices for folks without insurance, it might be worth a call to their office to ask about $$. When I didn't have insurance, I found that if the office had *women's clinic* in the title they were much much more reasonable and accomodating with the financial side of getting health care, but that doesn't mean that other doctors won't be as well.

It's probably frustrating to not be able to *fix* the situation, but perhaps it doesn't need *fixing*, just understanding and patience

ReverseTheCurse · 10-20-2008, 05:17 PM

She's very lucky to have you. As far as retreating from you.. unfortunately that can come with the territory. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm sure losing you is the last thing she wants. I pushed my ex so far away from me when really I wanted him closer than ever.. when he would try to help me, I would push him away. It was horrid

SusieVandal · 10-20-2008, 10:18 PM

colbond...

I almost cried when I read your post, 'cause now I know how my boyfriend must feel. Let me tell you...I feel SO ugly and wretched all the time. Knowing I can't conceive because of this PCOS makes me feel like I'm not even a woman. Fortunately, I have a pretty good sense of humor, which means I'm not always a drag. Just please continue to be understanding and supportive. Cuddle with her if she likes that. Sometimes it's just enough to be touched. It's a reminder that I'm not alone in this mess.