I think I have had enough

WackyRadish · 02-24-2005, 01:57 PM

I seriously don't know what to do anymore.

I am now 27 years old. (This has always been my "scary" age)
I have been the PCOS poster child for 10 years. I am fat. I am depressed. I am SO sick of being sick. I don't want to spend every moment obsessing about eating right & working out (that's what it takes to lose a pound) but I literally get sick when I see myself in a mirror. I am so angry that I have to live my "life" in this ugly body. I don't have anything but death to look forward to.

Last night I had a panic attack because I realized that when I die, people I don't know will have to carry my disgusting body around and their hands will be on me and they willl see me naked. So, the humiliation won't end when I die.. the funeral home people will carry a mental image of the horror that is "me".

I have a friend at work that I love like the brother I wish I had. He's so smart and talented and "real". We tell eachother everything, even the gross stuff. He's beautiful on the inside and outside. He recently got married to a woman who barely speaks English and is not the nicest woman in the world. Frankly, he could do better picking up a random stranger in a dark alley.. anyway, he loves her because she is thin and very petite (almost child-like) and she is pretty naked. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than I could have ever imagined and tells me he loves the way I look all the time. And it's not like I want to "be with" my friend at work. It just bums me out that I know he doesn't or couldn't find me attractive and that the majority of the people on this planet would not want to look at me. (myself included)

I just hired a new employee for my company. She's a great girl and she is exceptionally beautiful with what I would consider to be a near perfect body. My friend cannot take his eyes off of her. I want to hate hiim for it. I want to not like her.

Truth is, I just want to BE her.
I'm so sick of this feeling of yuckiness. I am so utterly aware of every inch of me.

Now that I have realized that I will not ever be who I want to be & some strangers will see this body after I'm dead and my last shred of dignity will be gone, I have no reason to even be here anymore.
10 years of this is enough.

Jashobeam · 02-24-2005, 03:17 PM

I hope you are talking with your husband about your feelings. Sometimes we get so down about our bodies that we really don't belive what our loved ones say about us, even when it's the honest truth.

I felt a little like this as a teen. I hated my body and the way I thought people viewed me. I found out years later I was way off. One guy who picked on me turned out to really have cared for me as a friend. He just didn't know how to express that, so he didn't.

We often are our worst critics when it comes to our bodies. I about had enough, when as a teen I fell and was so big I got stuck between a wall and the bed. I was so humiliated when people in the house at the time laughed at me. That was my "enough" point. I have been bigger since then, but I have never let anyone else's opinion of my body, weather real or imagined interfear with my self esteem. This is the only body I will have on earth, and I'm going to respect it. I hope you can get to the point where you feel the same kind of respect for your body. It is the beginning of a whole new, and much more better mindset.

WackyRadish · 02-24-2005, 03:26 PM

I just got in a fight with my husband over my "moping". He's sick of my whining and probably would feel relief if I just ended it. He's yound and good lokking he doesn't need this
He also suggests the "state of mind change" as the answer.
Here's the thing, that's all well & good for people that have a distorted body image. But I know how big I truly am. In fact, I have tricked myself into thinking I am thinner on occasion. I get surprised when I see my reflection. The truth is what I can't deal with.
It would be more effective to poke my eyes out so I don't have to see the truth that change my perception of my appearance.

Solshine · 02-24-2005, 03:51 PM

WackyRadish, I really and truly relate to how you feel and I remember hearing the exasperation in my ex's voice when I would start my pity parties. He truly did love me for who I was and didn't care about my weight either, but our attitude DOES put a strain on even the best relationships.

It doesn't look like you're on any anti-depressants and I'm guessing that you aren't going to any "talk therapy" sessions, either. Depression is very common with PCOS-ers because of the imbalances in our system. I highly recommend that you find a great therapist you like and trust to talk to about your self-image and frustrations with PCOS. It's helped me tremendously - if only that I wasn't venting to my husband all the time.

I'm sure many other women on here know exactly how you and I feel and experience your pain, so please know that you are in a sisterhood of frustrated women. We have to take care of ourselves and, for me, getting help with my frustrations and depression has made me feel more 'normal' again - I'm still big, but at least feeling more normal!

Good luck!

BTW, I see that you've lost 30+ lbs.!! That's nothing to sneeze at! I'm at my all time highest weight and desperately wanting to get my excess weight off. Congratulations!!

Jashobeam · 02-24-2005, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by WackyRadish
I just got in a fight with my husband over my "moping". He's sick of my whining and probably would feel relief if I just ended it. He's yound and good lokking he doesn't need this
He also suggests the "state of mind change" as the answer.
Here's the thing, that's all well & good for people that have a distorted body image. But I know how big I truly am. In fact, I have tricked myself into thinking I am thinner on occasion. I get surprised when I see my reflection. The truth is what I can't deal with.
It would be more effective to poke my eyes out so I don't have to see the truth that change my perception of my appearance.

People who have a distorted body image, do not know they have one. I felt a lot better about myself at 227, then I did at 190. At 190 I thought I was a blob, ugly and unwanted. I was miserable. At 227 I stopped caring about other people's opinions of my body.

You do need to see a doctor, as this sounds like the depression talking, not you. We are not ourselves when we are in deep depression. We aren't seeing life as it is.

Praynmama · 02-24-2005, 08:26 PM

Wacky Radish,

Oh, you are making me hurt for you. I am a big women and I too know how it feels to look in the mirror and not want anyone to see me. My DH loves me very much and I know it because he is still with me. If he hated the way I look and my size he would have and could have left a long time ago. Sounds like you DH is the same way. And you friend is only concerned with appearance. Love is so much deeper than the way we look. Don't take into account what your friend says or does, because it's your DH that counts. Try not run your DH away by rejecting is feelings toward you. If he loves you, accept his love and try to love yourself the way he sees you.

lovinlifetc · 02-24-2005, 11:08 PM

Hi WackyRadish,
I was reading your post and it hit me hard. I am 24 and also overweight so I completely know where your comming from. I know its hard and it hurts, I also know what its like to have negative thoughts running through my head. A couple of years ago I became really depressed about my weight I was constantly putting mysefl down.. It got to a point where I didnt want to go outside or to work because I thought no one would want to look at me and that I should be ashammed of myself. I felt that the guests at the resort where I worked would be disguted if they saw me. Well, I knew I hit the bottom quickly. I went to my doctor and told her what was going on and then I went and saw a therapist and was put on anti-depressent. I started feeling better fast and realized that I didnt need to feel like that. Now I am off the anti-depressent still overweight but I don't let myself get so down on myself anymore. Sometimes I catch myself starting in my old pattern of crazy negative thinking and thoughts and I have to snap myself back out of it. Anyways thats what I found worked for me. I'm not suggesting taking an anti-depressent but Id like to suggest talking to someone about this. I know its hard because people can't imagine how we really believe these negative things, but I try to think about how lucky I am to have good health in other areas. Anways just some thoughts. Congrats on the weight loss... Tina

vancouverNicole · 02-25-2005, 02:06 PM

i think the words we use when we talk to ourselves are life changing, if you say stuff like 'i'll never be happy, might as well die' that is super dramatic and negative, and leads to negative feelings. it's alright for us all to have bad days, don't beat yourself up for it, but if you talk to yourself like this on a daily basis you are unconsiously choosing your own fate.

a lot of us confuse body image with self image, and its dangerous when you have a hill to climb weight wise to view that in any way as you not being a good person. i've fought an uphill battle for every pound i've lost and so have other cysters, we might get offended if someone sais we must have it easier than them wieght wise

you CAN do it, is it fair how much harder it is for us to lose a lb? no, do we need to care about our health regardless of the scale, i think so

at the very least don't feel alone, we've all got your back

virtuous1908 · 02-25-2005, 02:07 PM

WackyRadish,
I see in your signature that you are in fact taking Wellbutrin XL. Is the doctor who prescribed it also your therapist? If not, try and get a referral to a therapist. I think the meds work better when you are talking to a professional about your thoughts and feelings. They don't judge you and they see you differently from how you see yourself. It make you feel better when you hear opinions from someone other than yourself and your loved ones. Also, maybe you are not on the correct dosage of Welbutrin XL. I was on it for awhile and it made me feel alot better. I hope you start feeling better.

WackyRadish · 02-25-2005, 02:47 PM

Thank you all for your kind words.
I had such a miserable day yesterday. Things are a bit better today. My PC started me on Wellbutrin because I asked her for it to take the edge off the BCP's (they make me depressed). I think I may need more. I made an appointment to see her next Tuesday to talk about my progress. She's not a therapist but she is wonderful and will take time to discuss any concerns of mine and really hear me out.
I quit smoking on 12/28/04 (2 months on monday!) thanks to the Wellbutrin. I gained exactly 5 lbs so far which I know has more to do the amount of couch riding & cooking I've been doing so I shouldn't be that upset... but I am because those five lbs were tough to lose..
Anyway, I thank you all. I have lots of work to do today so I must run.
You are all wonderful people. You brought me to tears with each reply.
Thank you

Praynmama · 02-25-2005, 04:39 PM

Wacky Radish,

I am glad you made an appointment to see the doc. Keep your chin up!!

Don't forget your DH loves you!! Things will get better and congrats on the weight lost already!! I wish I could say I am down thirty pounds!!