I think I'm going to break... (Warning, long post)

Lailaria · 03-30-2007, 01:21 PM

I think it's a tradition in our family for mothers and daughters to fight all the time. My grandmother and her mother, my mother and grandmother, my mother and sister, and now my mother and me. I had always hoped that my mother and I could get past all that and talk about what bothers us and work things out. Boy, was I wrong.

I have always felt very strongly about doing what I feel is right. My mother doesn't what she feels will benefit her. About 5 years ago, my sister accused our step-father of sexually abusing her. My mother stood by her husband and my sister was forced to live with our father, who is a severe alcoholic and drug user. She was eventually taken from there and put into the system, moved from foster home to foster home. I was old enough to take her in but because of our living arrangements, I was unable to. She was seen by psychiatrist after psychiatrist, all said that something did happen with my step-father. My mother didn't believe any of it and still stood by her husband. I lost contact with my sister for almost 4 years.

My sister lives with her real father and step-mother now. They take good care of her and she's happy. I have been in contact with her for a few months and she's turned out to be a beautiful young woman. I'm so happy to have her back in my life and she's happy also.

My mother has a PFA against her so she isn't allowed to have any contact with my sister. I've been planning a get-together for all of the siblings for tomorrow and for some reason, my mother assumed she was invited. My brother told her that I had been struggling with the decision of who to invite, my sister or my mother.

I got a very nasty e-mail from my mother this morning saying that it was very rude of me to invite her and then back out of it. She said she would make the decision easy for me because she wasn't coming and not to ever invite her over for anything again. She called my sister a ***** and stated that if she were to ever see my sister on her property she would call the police and that I have no idea how hurt she was. After that, she said she now has no daughters.

My mother and I have been at odds for most of my teenage years to the present and it is obviously continuing. I absolutely had enough at this point and replied to her e-mail, telling her exactly how I feel. I told her that she wasn't invited in the first place and she has no idea how much it hurts me that she's making me choose between my only sister and my only mother. My 17-year-old sister is mature enough to realize I love them both and never made me choose.

I also told her that the person she's hurting the most isn't me, it's my grandfather. He's stuck in a wheelchair and can only see who she wants to see. I know he wants to see my sister but he can't because my mother won't allow it. My grandfather will always stand by her but I know he's hurting inside, he's told me so.

Since being diagnosed with PCOS, all I've wanted was for my family to be there for me, all of my family. Hardly any of them are, really, just my sister is. It's sad that my husband's family is more supportive of me than my own is. I told my mother all of this, also. I also told her that DH and I are considering moving back to Massachusettes, closer to his family. We both need family that we can confide in and mine, well, we can't. I obviously can't confide in my brother any longer because he runs right back to my mother and changes the story. He never told her about his struggles with the same decision, whether to invite our sister or our mother, for holidays and his daughter's birthday.

I have no idea if anyone is still coming to the get-together tomorrow. It will break me if no one shows up. I can't stop crying because I feel so alone right now. I have no family to turn to and no friends to talk to. DH is busy at work so I don't want to bother him, although, I know he would drop everything for me if I needed him. I don't want to tell my sister, either. She's the type of person who would stop talking to me just to make things good between my mother and me. I don't want to lose her again. I just feel like I have no one right now and I just want to crawl back in bed and never wake up. I just don't know anymore, am I the one who is being selfish or my mother? Maybe I am wrong even though it feels like I'm doing the right thing. It hurts so much to see my family still falling apart. I'm so close to just giving up..

Lailaria · 03-31-2007, 04:26 PM

No one showed up today. I can't really say that I'm surprised but I'm definately disappointed. They couldn't even call to tell me they weren't coming.

How am I supposed to feel important when my family doesn't even think I am? I'm just ready to give up on everything. Family was so important to me, all of them, but I can't keep trying. I can't take the disappointment anymore. I feel so empty..

Peyton's Momma · 03-31-2007, 04:53 PM

(((HUGS))) honey. I'm sorry that no one showed up today. It's not fair of your family to do that to you. I understand being "all about family" and then having it blow up in your face. The same thing happened to me - all I wanted was to have my family around me, but once I got pregnant, it's like, poof! They all went away...I was devastated. After almost a year, I've finally come to terms with it - it wasn't my fault they all disappeared.

What you must tell yourself is that it is NOT your fault. You shouldn't have to choose between your sister and your mother AT ALL. IMO, your mother should NEVER have made you feel like you had to make a choice between them. What I think you should do is let her know how she made you feel, and let her take it from there. If she chooses not to stay in contact with you, that is HER choice. You can't keep putting yourself out there time and time again, just to get stepped on over and over.

Take comfort in the fact that you're close to your dh's family. I've finally just started getting close to my in-laws (after 3 months of not speaking to my parents) and it's helped me immensely. Remember, they are also your family - they love and support you.

Big (((HUGS))) to you. No one should ever feel like that. If you need to talk, please pm me, ok?

~~Kim

goodgrief · 03-31-2007, 05:12 PM

I definetly know how you feel, but please keep your chin up and try to look beyond your mothers obvious faults. I know it hurts that no one showed up but that shows no reflection on who you are!
Hang in there

Lailaria · 04-02-2007, 01:11 PM

Thank you for the replies.

I've realized that sometimes family isn't what you expect it to be. I expected my family to be there when I needed them, in happy and sad times. I've always tried to be there for them so I guess I had hoped they thought I was as important to them as they are to me. I'm obviously not to most of them. I never said I was perfect and I never will because I am far from it. I expected family to see beyond imperfections and love me for who I am. I expected too much.

If my mother can just give up her children like she has, it's not my fault, or theirs. She just wasn't cut out to be a good mother. She was too busy doing what was best for her and whatever guy she was with at the time to realize how much her children needed her.

I'm thankful that I am strong enough to learn from her mistakes and not repeat them. If DH and I are lucky enough to have children I will never put them through what I went through growing up. I will always let them know how important they are to me and how much I love them. They will always know that no matter what they do, I will be there and will never turn my back on them. I will try my best to bring them up in a way that they will stand up for themselves and what they believe is right. No child should have to go through what my siblings and I went through and still go through.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done trying to have a relationship with a mother who obviously doesn't care. I'm going to focus on my health and happiness. I'm going to be thankful for what I still have instead of feeling sad about what I lost. I still have my sister, who actually listens to what I have to say and is there with open arms when I need a shoulder to cry on. I still have my wonderful husband, who despite all that my family has put us through, has stayed right by side. I still have a couple close friends who I can lean on when I'm not strong enough to get through the day.

My brothers may be so far up mom's butt to see the light, but I'm shining in it and don't plan on leaving any time soon. I'm done putting myself in situations where disappointment is almost guaranteed. I'm living for me now.

Laila

Lailaria · 04-04-2007, 01:58 PM

Well, I thought I was doing okay until this morning. I just keep thinking about all the times I've bent over backwards to help someone in my family and I just keep getting stabbed in the back.

My husband and I have been having a lot of problems now too. Just when I think things are going to get better, something else comes and slaps me in the face. I feel so alone right now, like nobody cares what happens to me.

I love my husband but we are so different and it makes things so hard. We both try to understand each other, we try to talk things out, but nothing seems to work. I have no one to really talk to about anything. The only people I have are my husband and my sister. My husband doesn't understand any of how I'm feeling and my sister is going through enough so I don't want her to worry about me. Talking to people through forums and chats just isn't cutting it anymore, by the time I get done talking no one knows what to say, so they stay quiet and I get nothing. At least with someone in real life, they'd still be there for me, even if they didn't know what to say.

I'm hurting so much because of what my family did to me. They have always looked down on me like I was nothing to them. I tried so hard to do everything I could for them. I used to be a strong person but I can only take so much. They've beaten me down so much that I feel like I'm nothing, I'm useless, I just take up space...

NurseJackie · 04-14-2007, 03:24 AM

Sending hugs and prayers your way, i read your post, and you could be my own family member. My mother was horribly abusive, always put herself and whatever guy she was with first, never did a thing for me, never once in my life told me she loved me, now i just got an email from her telling me i am uncaring, don't appreciate my family, how much i hurt them, because i've been working 9 days straight and did'nt make it to easter dinner because i was exhausted and literally could not get out of bed (because i've supported myself since i was 11 when my mom stopped cooking, grocery shopping, buying me clothes, coming home most nights, so am in severe debt after putting myself through college and buying my own home). I can't believe that denial can be so strong that she really can not see what she has done to me and really believes i am the one to blame. I can see reality, unlike her, but it still cuts so deep.

Lailaria · 04-16-2007, 09:38 AM

Thank you for the reply, it means a lot.

I understand how you feel. With my mother, she loves me one minute and hates me the next. I have four younger siblings, I'm the oldest, and I started taking care of them by the time I was 9. My sister, who is the youngest, used to tell me that I was more of a mom to them than our mother was. Our mother is very selfish, it was always about her and her current boyfriend/husband. She's been married four times, divorced three. She's currently going through her fourth divorce. She's had more boyfriends than I can remember. She slept around a lot before her current husband, this one is actually the only one she's never cheated on and he treats her worse than any man she's ever been with. She chose him over her children when she was forced to make that decision. My sister has never forgiven her and I don't think she ever will.

My brothers are still in contact with her, for now. I'm sure something will happen sometime down the road and she'll stop talking to them, too. I don't understand how my brother can put his child through all of this. Our mother is never going to change and his daughter is going to go through the same disappointment that we did.

My husband doesn't understand why I just can't let it go and why my family means so much to me. I really can't explain it to him, either. It causes a lot of arguements between us. He gets frustrated that I'm always sick or depressed. He says that he doesn't blame me, but it sure feels that way. Our marriage is failing and neither of us know how to fix it.

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm kind of just, here, with no purpose or meaning...

Aydenn2angels · 04-16-2007, 04:54 PM

(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry (for the both of you) I can't imagine how living like that was. I mean me and my mother had the normal fighting, but now that I've been out of the house it's been great.
I really hope that you can put all that behind you and think about you and your new family now!