I think I want to die

flowerchild · 01-27-2009, 06:15 AM

I put up a brave face everyday, I dream of better things to come. I try to make things happen for me ... but there is always something stopping me. I have reduced my expectations of life and tried to convince myself that I could still carry on with life, but... I can't. I just feel out of place.

I don't know why I am here. I don't know what for. I hate that this disease makes me life much worse, and that it's going to stay in my body forever. I hate that I'm so bad at communicating. Whenever I express my feelings either it doesn't come out right, or I'm just completely misunderstood or just ignored. Sometimes they'll smile and say they understand, but they don't because they don't remember anything I say. They sent me to a psychotherapist but it only made things worse. I know I'm not the kid my parents are most proud of and I don't blame them. I know my friends think I'm not a real friend because I cut communications with all of them. It's true I stopped talking to everyone. Not out of anger but the only peace I find is being alone. Sometimes I want to do something about it but I just can't bring myself to. I know it's all my fault though, I'm not blaming anyone.

I remember when my mum described the day she gave birth to me. She had been in labour for so long, but oddly not in pain. She got fast and strong contractions which eventually stopped and I was still not out . At the end the doctor pulled me out with her hands. I think I didn't want to be born, to begin with.

I don't know why I'm here. 2 years ago i almost killed myself...I didn't because - well I don't know but I've always felt that maybe God wanted me to stay on earth. A chain of events led me to reconsider my decision. Fast forward to now I wonder why I'm back to the same state as before. I feel like I was given a helping hand but did not do enough with it. Even today I'm not sure I want to do it - but what are my choices? a life of nothing and being depressed as soon as i wake up vs not existing. I like to think that we come to life to learn to overcome our problems & short-comings and that eventually that makes us stronger. But in reality, maybe I'm too weak for this.

sorry I just had to air this somewhere. I know i don't make sense

Ashleystar · 01-27-2009, 09:30 AM

Hello,

I have been through deep depression like you and have also felt like I wanted to die. Don't give up on yourself, your mind, your body. Believe, have faith. It is not easy. But you will succeed. You're right, people DON'T understand unless they are going or have gone through the same. Try to tell your friends why you are being detached. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Please don't try to end it. You are worthy of life. I was also a tough baby, I was 2 weeks late AND I was dragged out by the doctors. I have never once thought it was due to not wanting to be born! I just know I like to stay comfy!! Please don't think that way. Your family love you and maybe find it hard to talk to you, especially if they don't understand.

Have you thought about asking a doctor to refer you to a counsellor? Just to vent your feelings, not to be analysed in a psychiatrist way. It can really help you to put things in perspective.

All the best xx

mesha · 01-27-2009, 10:48 AM

Hey flowerchild,

Ashley could not have said it any better. Do not give up, I know it is a struggle not having poeple understand. You need just one person to maybe not completely understand you, but at least listen and just be there for you. Just say what you really feel. That's the best communication that you can give. Even if you just write down your thoughts like you did on here, it will help.

4evryng · 01-27-2009, 11:18 AM

flowerchild----please don't give up. God has plans for everyone....please hang in there.

Bethann · 01-27-2009, 12:52 PM

If you are feeling emminently suicidal, or like you're not sure what you might do, please call your doctor and tell them you need to be seen ASAP.

If that's not possible, call 1-800-784-2433. It is free, they will care, and they can help direct you to local resources.

You are worth living, and worth taking care of yourself. It can be better than this, and there is nothing wrong with needing help. We care about what happens to you.

Please check back in and let us know how you're doing.

ForeverCurious · 01-29-2009, 07:48 AM

you made perfect sense hun, and you have gotten some great advice already, if it makes you feel better I have personally been where you are, when I was younger I was pretty desperate myself but I met someone by chance who became my best friend and helped me to vent a lot of my anger and hurt and has given me the strength to keep it going. finding someone who really understands you and what its like to just need some peace away from everything and everyone isnt always easy, a lot of people will say "I understand what your going through" but most of them havent the slightest idea, no one can ever really fully know what you are going through personally and what sort of pain and painful memories you have burried within you. but I can tell you its worth it to keep holding on, I am thankful that I met my bff who was able to help me from doing something extream, I know when you hit rock bottom it is hard and intimidating to face the prospect of getting up, dusting yourself off and trying again, but trust me its worth while, you might fall a few steps back for every 10 steps u take at first, but be strong and have faith in yourself... once you fully believe in yourself you are capable of doing anything and I really believe from what you said, you have that strength hidden inside you, you just need to tap into it hun. keep your eyes open, look for inspiration it can come in many different ways, life isnt easy, no one ever said it would be but it is deff worth living each moment to the fullest of your ability, even if that ability is to just make it through another tough day. I hope your doing better hun, I know it seems impossible, but I got faith in you that you can beat your blues and be happy again.

etuc · 01-29-2009, 03:12 PM

(((HUGS)))
You made sense to many of us who have been where you are now.

Please get the help you need. Sometimes you need to find a different Dr and/or counselor to help you work through the rough times, and to teach you that you are worthy of living a good life, there is no shame in reaching out for help when you need it.

Please get help, life is worth living!

dollface1982 · 01-29-2009, 04:50 PM

Don't give up!!! I'm sending out many hugs to you. I've walked in your shoes not long ago, but I have people supporting me who helped me realize that life is worth living. I love them very much and they love me.

Open up your heart, knock down any barriers you have and talk to someone. I know you feel that there is no one who could possibly understand how you are feeling but you must try. We all have our hardships in life, but it will get better. Just try.

~Life is so worth it

TADBAD2 · 01-29-2009, 05:06 PM

You are in my prayers & thoughts!

Heidi dawning · 01-29-2009, 05:11 PM

Hi flowerchild. I want to talk to you about your post. I feel like this sometimes also. I found out that I needed to be on an anti-depressant. Also, I needed counseling. The doctor said it's like insulin to a diabetlic, it's something I need. I don't know if this something you've tried but it's worth a shot. I started doing some soul searching and I had some repressed memories surface from childhood sexual abuse. Although tramatic, I felt a huge relief. I have been able to put my feelings into perspective. I'm not saying that you have had a similar experience but if we think long and hard, there are thoughts that we have to deal with and sometimes they are memories or subconscious negative self concepts. It's work at first but I began to see things in a different light. Take stock in my own opinions and views and I feel better now. But it's not a cure, it the light at the end of the tunnel we work towards. I hope maybe you will consider counseling and possibly medication. Then comes cognitive thinking. I also know I did this with god's help. Take care & god bless.

mellymackey · 02-17-2009, 12:44 PM

Flower, I hope you are okay. I noticed you haven't been on here for awhile.

As a Cyster, I love you, and hope you come back to post with us soon. Your life is valuable.

smcwhorter901 · 02-17-2009, 05:14 PM

Flowerchild,

Look how many people you have pulling for you! We care...I was recently in a stage of the worst depression I have ever experienced... I scare people when I say this, but I, too, had suicidal thoughts... Trust me, you can come out of this!

It is not easy to go through what you are going through and not be understood, but there is still so much more to live for. Many times, because pcos has so much pull on our lives, we focus on the disease and let it consume us... but there is more to life than pcos! I know you can't see it right now, but don't give up!

There are hundreds of women on this board who have been where you are... we are still here and would hate to lose you in this fight! We are strong survivors and so are you!