I think my husband is leaving me

Tolania · 05-13-2005, 06:07 AM

My husband is in the military. Three weeks ago he was sent to Korea and since then he has become a totally different person. He won't give me his phone number so I can reach him if I need to. He calls me and treats me with such disdain that I am in tears the entire time. Nine out of the last 10 calls he has hung up on me.

He was being so cruel tonight that I just finally couldn't take it and hung up myself. Then he sends me an email saying he can't believe I would treat him in such a way and that it is over. THIS IS AFTER ONLY 3 WEEKS. We have lived most of our marriage apart due to the military and me in grad school. It was hard but we worked through it. We finally moved in together last summer and, apart from the PCOS which came on suddenly a couple years ago, everything was great. He is the most attentive, loving, caring man I have ever known. Everyone says he worships me and dotes on me. Now this???

In three weeks I have lost over 15 pounds. Yeah, that's a good thing to lose that weight (I have a weight loss drug that has helped enormously) but that fast because I am stressed and crying constantly and can't keep food down?

I am at a total loss. I don't even know this person anymore.

tntsgirl · 05-13-2005, 12:48 PM

I am sorry you have to go through this. If he keeps hanging up on you can you email him to find out why he is doing this and to tell him how you feel. Do you have anyone where you are living that you can talk to? Some times it is good to have someone that you can go and talk to. I hope you guys can patch things up and maybe get some help. Hang in there!!

tariana · 05-13-2005, 01:08 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Tolania · 05-13-2005, 09:08 PM

Thank you for just letting me vent here. Just being able to write it down has helped enormously. Tntsgirl -- no, I don't have anyone here to talk to. I haven't lived here that long and I was feeling so crappy when I first got here that I didn't get out and meet people: debilitating muscle aches, dizziness, depression from weight gain, etc. (Which I then found out was all related to PCOS)

deborahlou · 05-15-2005, 02:43 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish i had the right words to say that would in any way ease your pain. Does he want to end the marriage? Have you asked him if there's anyone else?

Little_Lady · 05-15-2005, 08:22 AM

Sorry to hear you're going through this hun. You need to talk if your going to sort this out. I hate it when guys behave like this. If he won't talk to you send him an email. Strange him not giving you his new tel. Sounds like its out of character for him? You need to find out what he wants before you can start moving forward. Its obviously very upsetting for you & its making you ill

You need to get this sorted. Good luck. Hope things work out.

santa'sbaby · 05-15-2005, 09:10 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

As I was reading this post I wondered if there is something going on where he is stationed that is causing him emotional distress that he possibly has been forbidden to talk about due to rules and regulations?? A sudden change in personality may be due to the environment that he is in. I won't pretend to think I know alot about military life but I am trying to look at the other side of the fence to try and help ease your fears about him leaving you.

I do hope you can both work this out.

April

~*~TammyLynn~*~ · 05-15-2005, 04:21 PM

Just want to send you big hugs! Being a military spouse is the hardest job in the world! I'm married to a former Marine and the military life is so hard a marriage, hopefully its just stress on his part. Try to get him to go talk with a chaplain. That really helped my dh and I when we were going where they sent us. It wouldnt hurt for you to talk with someone either. Its hard to be seperated from them when you dont knwo whats going through their mind! Big hugs and best of luck!

TickledPink · 05-17-2005, 10:55 AM

I am so sorry! Please don't give up! Fight for what you want.

I hope everything works out for you!

(((((hugs)))))

Tolania · 05-23-2005, 07:22 AM

Update--
Thanks everyone for the replies. It got better for a day or so, he called and acted fairly normal. He said that if he could get me over there everything would be great and he was working on doing that. But now it is back to the same old crap. Tonight he told me to get out of military housing because he doesn't want to be supporting me in any way. He keeps talking about stuff that happened before he left for Korea and when I let him know I never heard about any of this, he claims I "just forgot." There is no way I am that forgetful and some of this stuff there is no way it would slip my mind. I am tired of it. With the way he is acting and the way he keeps claiming I just forget stuff (when I know he never told me), I feel like he is hiding so much. Honestly, I am becoming so hardened to it all that I don't even care anymore.

Deborahlou- yes, I have asked him if there is someone else, this just makes him more angry.

malcat22 · 05-23-2005, 08:11 AM

oh my, men do suck!!!
sorry that's not advice is it? it's just that sometimes i see men treating nice women really badly and it makes me so mad!!! maybe you need to give him an ultimatum! tell him to 'catch himself on' ie. wise up!! whatever is wrong with him you can't help when he's treating you like this and you need to tell him that! i hope it all gets sorted out for you!! in the meantime have a heartfelt *hug*

missyanne · 06-01-2005, 12:52 AM

Hello,

I don't know much about your situation, but I just wanted to let you know that I know what you're talking about. Being a military wife is very difficult under the best circumstances. When my husband is getting ready to leave (like he did just yesterday, btw), he has a tendency to pick fights with me, to distance himself. It makes it easier on him to leave...much easier to leave if he's mad, right? In the end, he winds up missing me and calling me from whatever airport he's at.

I'm not saying this is what is going on, but its a possibility. But no matter WHAT, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope you feel better soon, and if you want to talk to a fellow military (navy) wife, please email me at missygossett@hotmail.com or AIM: phoenixrising342.

Have a good evening,
Melissa

paisleystar · 06-01-2005, 01:00 AM

Hi I am so sorry that you are going through this alone. I am here if you need to talk! In the meantime these are for you!

Sneez · 06-01-2005, 01:33 AM

I am so sorry you have to go through this. As was mentioned above, it isn't at all unusual to see one or both spouses in a military marriage start fights for distancing when a long time apart like this happens. It sounds like you could both use a good go between like the unit chaplain. Now, as to what he told you, he can't leave you with no support while married to you. If he thinks you can be tossed out of housing and he can get away with sending no money for you to have housing (since he would be receiving extra housing money for wherever you are located) then he is dead wrong. You can contact his upline if he is trying to cut off support for his family (whether that is just you as his spouse or if it is you and any children). I have known other husbands who have tried that when they came to our base and left their wives at home for whatever reason, but didn't support them financially. Once the wives contacted their upline all was changed faster than they could imagine because such behavior is not allowed. I am figuring that you are being sponsored by his previous stateside unit for you to continue living in post housing while he is in Korea? If so, you should be able to contact them and get that part taken care of as they will know how to contact his upline in Korea right away. Unfortunately, that is one of the worst stations to be in for guys to act as if they are single (not meaning cheating, just forget they have a family period). Too many soldiers get sent there and spend too much time and money out at bars and the such and don't send money home. The left behind family members have to know to stand their ground and be able to fight for what is right.
I am hoping that he really is working on getting permission for you to come, but that is very hard to do unless it was approved in advance for Korea. If he is on orders for less than 2 years then it is usually not going to be approved. I think it would be so much better for your marriage if he could get approval, though. Do you want to go there? Have you checked into what it is like and what the living conditions, etc. would be like?
I would definitely keep trying to get him to talk instead of fight. You continuing to be there for him can often get a guy past the time of distancing themselves. Often they are just afraid that the long separation will mean their spouse will leave them for someone else, even when there is no reason to believe it will happen.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. I will look out for updates from you on this.
((Hugs)) from another military (army) wife.

ahydock · 06-01-2005, 01:36 AM

Hugs to you. PM if you need to talk