I think it's finally settled

VivC · 04-20-2005, 01:37 PM

I told Hubby last night that we should get a divorce as soon as the bankruptcy dust settles. I told him I'd rather not go the court-battle route, that I'd like to hire a mediator to handle things (Separation agreement - we'd have to wait a year to file for divorce).

We had problems before Rivi died. In fact, we were separated when I got pregnant (I always figured that maybe Rivi's purpose was to bring us back together). There's a history of violence, even though he hasn't laid a hand on me since I moved back in. Since Rivi, though, he's been emotionally abusive.

Yesterday, I met with the priest at my new church (Hubby doesn't want to go there). And last night, I had a great time with my friend. We had dinner and went to play Bingo (I'm addicted now). On the way home, I stopped and got Taco Bell for Hubby, since he said he hadn't eaten.

Anyway, I walked in the door, and he asked how my conversation with the priest went. And I told him it was great - he had said some things that gave me a little peace about my relationship with God. So then, hubby started complaining that somebody at his church (my old church, where the pastor said Rivi died because I hadn't had enough faith) could have helped me, too. So that started a whole conversation about Rivi, and how I've changed (um, duh?), and about my mistrust of God. Basically, Hubby believes God must have had a good reason not to save Rivi, and I don't think any reason is good enough. So I got frustrated, and I asked him, since he knew EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, what God was thinking when Rivi died. He said that if my relationship with God had been better, then God could have done something. This is the same thing the people at that freaking church said. And I'm sorry - IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I've finally realized that sometimes God lets crap happen that makes no sense. And this isn't the first time Hubby has blamed me for Rivi's death.

Then, he started complaining that I spend too much time with my friend (once every two weeks for Bingo) and at the new church (Saturday morning for a class which will only last a few more weeks; then service on Sunday) and with my therapist

He said that my therapy is obviously a waste of money since I'm still quote, "half-crazy." I pointed out that since he hadn't worked since Rivi died, he was in no position to tell me how to spend my money.

Then he said, out of nowhere, "Why were your nipples hard when you came home?" He always thinks I'm cheating on him, and apparently I had a quickie on my way home from Bingo? And he thinks I'm half-crazy? I actually started to explain to him how it got chilly while I was in Bingo, and I didn't have a coat, etc. Then I stopped myself and walked out of the room.

For the first time in 9 years, I'm not wearing my wedding ring. I even wore it last time we separated. I keep wondering what we'll do with Rivi's ashes. Split him up (I hate that idea)? Bury him (I wanted him buried with one of us)? Or just have a drag-out custody battle for his urn?

I think that it takes a really strong marriage to withstand such a huge loss. And we were never strong enough. I'm just totally......lost right now. I'm sorry this was so long and rambling.

Aprile78 · 04-20-2005, 01:45 PM

oh Viv sweetie, I'm so sorry............

I just have no idea what to say

May I ask what church you were attending before? The denomination?

Tetley · 04-20-2005, 02:17 PM

Hey Viv.

Hell, girl, you are really going through it. But you will get out the other side because although you may not feel like it - you are strong and funny and you have us cysters who love you. If your hubby really believes what he has been saying to you then he so takes after his mother. He has a tangle of issues and problems that will take a professional to sort through. You cannot be his therapist and/or whipping boy. You are no more responsible for Rivi's death than any of us are for our losses. My ex blamed me. It killed things between us. There's only so much you can take.

Damn it. I keep getting interupted by people wanting me to work. I have to go now, but I'll be back again tomorrow.

Chin up!
Loads of luv, hugs and other supportive stuff from UK

Stephxxx

VivC · 04-20-2005, 02:31 PM

April, The other church was an evangelical "word" church. The new one is an episcopal church (I was raised episcopal). It's not that I don't believe God can heal - obviously, He does work miracles, and I spent weeks praying for a big one. I just don't understand how anyone can believe that if you don't receive that healing, you're doing something wrong.

Steph - Thanks. He does need therapy, but he thinks I'm the problem. Maybe he'll see the truth when I'm gone and there's nobody else to blame.

*Clarissa* · 04-20-2005, 03:20 PM

Viv, I hate what you have been going through, both before and after Rivi's death. I cannot understand how your husband and his church are reationalizing there thoughts. There are people out there that are agnostic, even atheist (sp) that are having babies. God didn't take theirs away.

I have wrote to you once before about the Rivi being sent to save the marriage. My dh and I were on the fritz, nothing like what you were going through, but there was alot of trust issues, when I got pregnant with Alex. I always told myself that Alex was sent to bring Brian and me back together. And while I do believe it was true in my case, I don't think it was in your's. I truely believe that Rivi was sent to you because you were meant to be his mommy, you were meant to come here and touch the lives of so many other's that have lost their babies, through your wisdom, and strength, and finally, I believe that he was sent to you so that you could take a step back and see what is important in your life and what changes needed to be made. I really think that his death has made you open your eyes to what your husband has been, and now is putting you through. You are a very smart and strong woman and deserve so much more. I get so angered everytime I read something that he has done to you or is putting you through.

And don't even get me started on that "church." I still haven't been back after my two losses. I have been through so much in my life, that there is no way that God could possibly explain to me, or give me an acceptable reason for. (I am a survivor of molestation by my own dad).

I am so happy for you to see you pulling everything together, for moving on without your husband. For bettering yourself. Rivi saw what his mommy's life was like, and wanted to save you from all of it, that is why he came to you. Why he left you, and why all of our children have left us, we will never know.

If you husband demands some ashes. Tell him you will spilt them, and go get him some out of someone's fireplace. He does not deserve any of that precious boy.

I am sending out big hugs and prayers for you. I hope everything eventually works out with the seperation and that you are able to move on to a better and brighter future.

saluki_fan · 04-20-2005, 03:52 PM

Viv, I am so sorry to hear this news. But yet you sound SO strong and calm and brave. It also sounds like this new church will be a new light in your life. All your cysters love you and want only the best for you.

Quote:

Damn it. I keep getting interupted by people wanting me to work.

I have to go now too. It's so inconvenient that they actually expect me to EARN my paycheck. Why can't I just surf the Net all day?

SheriKCMO · 04-20-2005, 04:24 PM

Viv,
I'm sorry this is happening, but I can't say I'm surprised. It seems in some cases that there just isn't enough to hold two people together.

As for the faith thing, two things:
I briefly described the "Mother didn't have enough faith" crap to my MIL when I was online at her house and felt angry about your situation. She said, "What was wrong with the father's faith, then??" Since he lost a child too, it must have been his "fault" just as much as it was yours, logically. The whole thing doesn't hold water to a true Christian.
Also, my in-laws were praying hard for both of my babies from day one. One died, one lived. Where was the answer to their prayers? Do you only get half of what you pray for? I'm an atheist, and I obviously wasn't praying, but now I have a healthy son. Where is the logic, according to your husband? I clearly don't deserve such a wonderful miracle.

Honestly, you and everyone here knows that your DH is just hurting and doesn't know what to do with it. Instead of deal with reality, he would prefer to act like an idiot toward you, the mother of his child. I'm just sorry you are having to deal with him.
We all wish you the best, my friend,
Sheri

Aprile78 · 04-20-2005, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivcrayton

April, The other church was an evangelical "word" church. The new one is an episcopal church (I was raised episcopal). It's not that I don't believe God can heal - obviously, He does work miracles, and I spent weeks praying for a big one. I just don't understand how anyone can believe that if you don't receive that healing, you're doing something wrong.

Steph - Thanks. He does need therapy, but he thinks I'm the problem. Maybe he'll see the truth when I'm gone and there's nobody else to blame.

That's kind of what I was thinking you'd say....I've heard that many times..........that they preach about having enough faith and if something bad happens, it's your own fault for not having enough faith. What a bunch of bull. (((((VIV)))) I"m sorry sweetie!!!

Ammaarah · 04-20-2005, 08:26 PM

In my religion, we believe that all is God's will, but not all bad things are a punishment. We believe that God's reasoning will simply not be evident to us plain old humans. And we believe those who are tested the most are often the most beloved by God.

You are a tough, wonderful woman and a great mom.

Reebekah · 04-20-2005, 10:45 PM

Viv,

I'm sorry you are going through so much. You know and I know that no amount of faith in God can change things sometimes, and lack of faith certainly doesnt cause bad things to happen. Like someone mentioned, there are people who dont believe in God at all and their lives are full of happy times and healthy babies. I hate it and it doesnt make sense, but that doesnt change it. I'm happy you found a new church.

As for your relationship with your husband, only you and him know what's best. If it's over then it's over. You have been through enough, and you cant live in an environment full of stress, blame, and mistrust. Either the issues need to be dealt with properly, or the relationship must end (either for good or temporarily, that's for you guys to decide).

You are right - it takes a strong relationship to withstand a loss like ours. Believe me, my loss has taken its toll on my marriage as well, and we were pretty tight to begin with, so I cant imagine what it would be like if we werent as close as we were. I think my obsession with things is driving him nuts. Anyway, I think it's best that you surround yourself with people who care and understand right now. And play all the bingo you want if it occupies your mind for awhile :o)

Take care
Becky

Rasburry · 04-20-2005, 11:08 PM

Viv,

I think you're a super woman who has had so much to deal with. I think you'll be even better/stronger on your own. You don't need anyone guilting you into thinking that Rivi's death had anything to do with you. That's not love. That's not partnership. That's not support. That's not a future.

Put one foot in front of the other and keep walking, cyster!

GabrielsMom · 04-20-2005, 11:33 PM

Quote:

n my religion, we believe that all is God's will, but not all bad things are a punishment. We believe that God's reasoning will simply not be evident to us plain old humans. And we believe those who are tested the most are often the most beloved by God.

Amaarrah, what a beautiful thought! Thanks for posting that. I think that most Christians will agree with that as well.

Viv, Word of faith is a heresy. I'm glad you're getting out of that church. I know it's hard to put those stupid ideas out of your mind, but it absolutely was NOT your fault that Rivi died. You were a wonderful mother to him, and someday, you will see him again.

I pray that everything works out for you. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

hugs,
Adrianne

kshahina · 04-21-2005, 04:24 AM

Hello Viv,

I am really sorry for what you have been going through. You sure are a strong woman and I wish God keeps you that way. There are some things that are not in our hands and I believe that Rivi's death was one of those. I don't believe in any way that its anyone's fault. It was just written to be this way in his fate. Maybe He has something good for you to come. Since childhood I have been taught one thing. God also needs good people and so he calls them earlier than others.

Your hubby had no right in any way to abuse you or to put you at fault for your loss. It wasn't something you wanted and he didn't want. You were the mother and the loss for you must have been a lot more than what he has gone thru. I will always keep you in my thoughts and pray to God to give some sympathatic feelings to your husband.

emilymegan · 04-21-2005, 09:57 AM

Viv, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't know if you remember me, (we were part of the same January/05 post) and my heart broke for you when you lost Rivi......and now you have to deal with this too??? You poor girl

I've gone through a lot in my life, too, and the only thing I can say is that there is a reason for everything. You are stronger than I was (I can tell from your posts). Your husband has no right to abuse you in any way......and then to tell you that you are 'half-crazy'?? No. You deserve better than that. If you end up separating, I hope that it goes smoothly for you....you don't need any more hassle.

Keep your chin up, Viv. You will come through this

Thinking of you,
Tracy

Pamela · 04-21-2005, 05:39 PM

Viv, maybe it's best in the end. I think the way your DH has been treating you has been terrible!! And yes, like SHeri said, where was HIS faith!!! It is NOT your fault and I know you know that!! I hate to see a marriage end but I truly believe your DH is being very abusive toward you. I know there are wonderful things in your future!!! I think of you often. You are a much stronger woman than I believe I would be in your situation!!
((((HUGS)))))
Pam