I thought I was fine!

Bonbon77 · 03-04-2003, 03:00 AM

I think my depression is getting the best of me again. I finally felt good for once and lately the whole PCOS thing is getting to me. I saw my RE for the first time today and he was wonderful. He and I discussed my problems and symptoms for a long time. He told me my risks that go along with the condition, diabeties, cancer, and such. I listened to him and felt okay and left the office.

Then I lost it. I started bawling like a baby and feeling so sorry for myself. I knew everything he told me already, this wasnt new to me. I still lost it.

I was doing so well. I was being such a trooper about the whole thing. The Pcos wasnt going to get the best of me. I was going to win! Lately I feel so sad and alone. I feel defeated. I dont know what to do. My dh tries to be supportave and hes been great. I still feel alone. I miss my mom. Shes been dead for 4 years and I just feel like this is when I need her the most. I am so sad. Im probably sounding like a bumbling idiot. I don't know why now I am crying over this. I've known for months. I guess I just need to vent to someone who knows. Thanks for listening(reading) I'm sorry this is so long!(thank God I've got therapy on wendsday!)

Kaci · 03-04-2003, 12:27 PM

There are so many of us here for you. That's what makes this board so great. I can understand fully. Take care.

Lendi · 03-04-2003, 07:31 PM

Yes, I know how hard it is. I'm dealing with some new diseases myself right now. It is incredibly hard to hear the truths that we knew, but were hoping weren't there. You are in mourning. Did you know that when a major life change happens, like an illness, that you still go through the stages of grief? I'm sure you're feeling so overwhelmed with all of the info, relief that you know what is happening, sadness that it is happening to you, fear about the unknown, anger... well the feelings just keep going on and on. Good grief, no wonder you are crying. You're going through so very much. It's ok to be sad and cry. It's our little safety valve to release some of the fear and stress. Let all of it assimilate, review and I think you will find you feel a little better. Write everything down, research you topic, know you disease better than you know anything else in the world. That gives you some control. And, finally when it all gets to you, please come and let us help you. We understand. Hugs to you and hope of a better tomorrow, Lendi

santa'sbaby · 03-05-2003, 01:57 AM

What you are feeling is only natural. This is one hell of a disease to deal with. I think that I am progressing and that things will be ok and then something else will crop up, like a side effect of medication or I will catch a glimps of my stubble on my face and then wham it hits me like a ton of bricks, and it hurts like hell.

Hang in there hon! I wish I had some words of encouragement that would change the way you look at life forever but I don't. Then best advice that I could give you is to hang out here with us and use us as a support system. We are always here for you!!

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Keep us posted!

April!

Bonbon77 · 03-06-2003, 03:00 AM

Thankyou for your replys and support ladies it means alot to me.
Lendi your reply really was an eye opener for me I never thought of it as a grief process but now that you've mentioned it it makes so much sense. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself, to put on a smile, crack a joke and pretend that this isnt affecting me because it is affecting all of me. I'm just really glad to know that I have my cysters out there it has been a comfort to me.
I saw my therapist today and every time I rationalized my feelings or felt guilty about them he kept repeating the same phrase to me. Don't confuse me with the facts. It didnt make much sense to me at first but I get it now. I am entitled to my feelings no matter how irrational and sad and angry they might be. That I have to feel my feelings before I can begin to accept this in my life as my life. I am going to hurt and I need to right now in my own way and I need to not feel guilty about the way I feel. It's so hard. I want to be a normal 25 year old that doesnt have to think about their health and mortality but that is my life right now. I'm just working on accepting it as such. I'm just so glad youre all here to help me through it. Thankyou again.

lots_of_dots · 03-06-2003, 01:37 PM

Hello Bonbon77,

I feel your pain. I thought I was ready to hear the pcos diagnosis but once it came it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's seven months later and I can tell you I have more good days then bad ones now.

BTW - I am from NH as well! Glad to meet another Granite Stater! If you don't mind me asking, what RE are going to and where are they located? At the moment I am being treated by my pcp and a infertility specialist (she's a nurse practitioner with special training in infertility - another way for our healthcare system to save $). I think it might be time to move on since it has been seven months and I'm still not pg

.

Take care and don't be afraid to lean on us when you need us!!

Bonbon77 · 03-07-2003, 10:32 PM

Lots of dots- I am seeing Dr. Decaprio at the Womens Reproductive Health and Fertility Center at Concord Hospital. He was awesome and the nurse was cool too. Although I have been trying to get them to call me with my lab results and they have seemed to be quite busy since its been 3 days and no call back. I've called every morning to remind them that I'm still waiting. I'm still new to the office so I dont know if this is normal (their receptionist is out sick). I know other women who go there and love the doctors. It can't hurt to check it out if you are within the vicinity. Where are you going now for treatment?

lots_of_dots · 03-09-2003, 02:51 AM

Thanks for the info Bonbon77. I am currently being treated at Dartmouth-Hitchcock in Manchester but I live north of Concord. I used to live in Manchester and I really liked my pcp so I stayed when I moved. I am so happy to hear there is a RE so close to me!

Take care and thanks again for the info!