I've hit my rock bottom. The end of my rope!

sunshine071899 · 10-03-2007, 11:48 PM

I need to vent really bad! SORRY! Ok, so lately I always feel relieved when one of you posts about a friend you know who is pregnant, or a SIL, or a co-worker and how it makes you feel. WHen I read your posts I feel relieved that I don't have that happening to me but I also get as hurt as you do. As if it was happening to me. I can feel my chest getting tight, the angry, the sadness sinkng in. As if I was reliving my tradgedy again. And as if I knew these poeple. I could honestly say I probably felt the same way as if it were happening to me. Thos days I post saying how sorry I am that they are feeling like this and how situations like this have to remind us of what we worked so hard for but yet we ended up with nothing. Feeling angry, I sign off the computer and sit pissed off. Why was I pissed off? I stayed like that probably for a good hour or two. Something that didn't effect me, made me that angry. But then I just sighed a huge relief that I didn't have to deal with that kind of feeling everyday at work, or at family functions. I started to realize it wasn't me, it was you guys and I still felt bad for you. And that's how it was for everyone who posted about a friend, co-worker or family relative. But today the bomb dropped on me and I completely went off into the deep end. I went to work like it was a normal depressing day. I can't seem to put my angry towards anything. I get angry at everything and everyone happy. I look at my life and I hate it. I hate how I have to feel like crap all the time and how this will never go away. Besides, how could I make it go away even if I really wanted it to go away?! So I go about my day, miserably, giving everyone I see with a smile on their face a nasty look. People who would ask me questions I would only give them short answers and give them a look of disgust. This is not me normally, but ever since Dylan, this is all I can ever be anymore. I don't want to feel like this, but I don't know who to change it or make myself look st life or things differently. I hate who I've become, but I dont know how to get back to the person I once was. Nor do I really want to become that person again, to me that would be accepting what has happend and honestly what did happen was unacceptable in my eyes and I hate god, the world and everyone in it. I hate seeing happy people, families, I hate the sound of laughter. I just hate it. So towards the end of the day, a girl I work with (we are a pretty close group of girls) called me into her office. I had no clue why. I walk in and she immediatly says 'I'm pregnant". Are you f'ing kidding me?! How could god make my life anymore unbareable? Why would he do this to me? Doesn't he know how much pain I'm in now? I immediatly start to have a panic attack and the tears start flowing. Why must life continue on while I'm bleeding onthe inside? Why? She says that everyone already knows and she wanted to wait until the end of the day to tell me. And that she won't talk about it infront of me or bring it up. What's it matter now, my heart has just been squashed by an 18-wheeler and there's no reviving it now! Just bring the pain on, what's the point of making me feel even more like an outcast then I already feel? I tld her I was happy for her and that I was fine. I grabbed my things and run out to my car. I called my husband to tell him that I was upset and for a very good reason. I start to head home. I call dh to vent to him. He starts yelling at me telling me this is crazy. 1 -I shouldn't be driving that leaving work was irrational and immature & 2 - I need to pull it together and that this shouldn't be bothering me, she has nothing to do with us. Ok well how about, I'm still trying to grieve and I want to get pregnant ASAP and now I have this girl who I work with pg and visually throwing that in my face daily. That makes me feel SO GOOD about myself. And you yelling at me is the frosting to my cake. Thank you for your support Henry!!!! He comes home, we start arguing, we both are mad at each other. I feel like I'm the only one grieving still and he feels like he's the only one puling us forward with a good attitude. Needless to stayis still weird in my house. I've thrown up the white flag and is surrendering to going to see a therapist. I wanted to do this on my own but I don't think I can take another day of this life. When they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - lets just say I don't know that this is going to make me or that I will come out of this stronger.

Thanks for listening. - Laura

Licsh · 10-04-2007, 02:04 AM

Sunshine I just don't know what to say as I can't imagine how badly it must have made you feel. I have a neighbor that told me two days after I had my m/c that she was 10 weeks pregnant. Now I try to avoid even seeing her because she is starting to show and due in March. With how hard it is for me and I wasn't very far along I can't even imagine being in your shoes. I am a big advocate for counselor's/therapists because they will listen to you without passing any judgement, nor will the good ones try to tell you where you "should be" in your healing process. Only you can determine that. "HUGS"

hela · 10-04-2007, 06:23 AM

Laura,

every time I read your posts my heart breaks for the pain you are suffering

I'm so very sorry - that doesn't sound enough but it's the truth

I hope talking to someone outside the loop will help

much love Helen xxx

flt5 · 10-04-2007, 06:27 AM

I miscarried (didn't know I was pregnant and it wasn't planned) in 1997. Two days later I was back at work (I was a flight attendant in those days). I was a junior member of crew and got allocated the job on the plane looking after Mums and Babies. I was asked by a Mum to hold an 8 week old baby whilst she went to the loo, I was asked to heat bottles, I was asked to help strap in little kids into child seats etc etc etc. I felt so terrible. I felt like I hated those mothers and families.

I have NEVER told anyone this until now. I read your post and I just thought - my God I felt so bad and I wasn't even trying for a family when I had the M/C. How bad must Laura feel?

This came back and kicked me in the teeth when we did TTC and I wasn't ovulating. Needless to say I have never again been PG and now I probably never will. I would never go down the IVF route - just my personal choice.

But we do have a light at the end of the tunnel - we have a wonderful adopted son who is 11 now.

I can now see that noone (not those Mums and babies and work colleagues) meant to hurt me but I was just so emotionally fragile. My thoughts are with you - I think counselling is a positive move - something I never did - but time is a great healer but its tough on your own dealing with this stuff. Even a partner cannot get into your head - he is probably suffering his own grief but in a different way.

sazzifrazz · 10-04-2007, 08:41 AM

Im sorry you had such a bad day. I thnk you will have to pull it together and just be strong at work anyway. Its probably only going to et harder as she starts to show and everyone around is talking about it. Yes, I agree it sucks for you. But think back to how over the top excited you were when you were pregnant and how excited everyone around you was. Just try to let her have her moment in the sun and know you too will have your moment again (and you WILL!!). Its hard not to be jealous/angry etc when someone close to us has what we want. When i was pregnant with DS there were 3 other girls at work also pregnant. When i got pregnant with #2 these same 3 are pregnant again...I m/ced but they didn't. Im thrilled for them but it hurts so much to be around them. I have a meeting today and they will all be there...Im dreading it. that should be me there with a big belly and U/S pics to share. but i will have my moment again...hopefully soon. hugs!

soonermama · 10-04-2007, 10:00 AM

Oh, Laura, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that you have to face this new obstacle. I agree with pp and would highly recommend seeing a grief counselor. I didn't see mine for the same reasons, but it was immensely healing for me. The pain is still there, I just know how to live with it better. It is so hard for couples, because you are both grieving as individuals, and are greiving so differently. A third party can help you two connect and understand where the other one is coming from. You need each other so much right now, but the pain is so raw it's debilitating. Please be gentle with yourself.

SheriKCMO · 10-04-2007, 10:23 AM

I did not have to go back to work after our loss, which is the only reason I could function at all in this world. I just don't know how you are doing it, honestly. Everything in your post is completely normal, and a grief counselor or IRL support group of bereaved parents can be really helpful to share with. Men usually grieve very differently than we do, making the normal face for everyone and going about the day... neither is right or wrong, but we are all in abominable pain. They just cope differently. Knowing that can help you two get along and accept each other. I am a firm opponent of "Pulling it together" when your grief needs to be expressed and processed. A lot of men are professionals at doing it, though, and i think it postpones their grief until it explodes. Anyway, I think you are at the "Nothing means anything anymore" stage, which was not a good place for me at all. There are still moments of this stuff that creep in, nearly four years later and after filling my home with the little siblings. Most days are okay, and you will get there, but early grief is terrible. I don't think you should hold back or try to please anyone but your broken heart. (((hugs)))

TechLady77 · 10-04-2007, 01:47 PM

It sounds like you are going through some heart-wrenching pain and probably suffering from depression because of what has happened to you. A therapist is going to help you so much and you will be so glad you went.

I know for me, just the IDEA of my SIL being pregnant makes me have a panic attack and start hating her. The rest of the world should be allowed to have their happiness, but damn if it doesn't make us just that much more miserable.

I truly believe that once you deal with this grief you will be able to conceive 100 times easier. Good luck...you are in my thoughts.

kwannabee · 10-05-2007, 03:09 PM

Oh man!!

Boy do i relate to what you just said. Its been awhile since i felt like that though...Aimee and Dana have passed away a while ago but i remember well feeling like you described (described very well i might add

)

if i can offer any advice its this ...my ob nurse when i had my girls met me the first time 10 years earlier-as a teenage mother of 18 whose child i took care of at daycare ...and here she is now supporting me through the loss of my girls as the best and most supportive OB nurses i could have hoped for. it was very awkward at first knowing her personally as she took care of my most basic and personal needs...when i was embarrassed one day she said...

...you took care of me once kimmy...now its my turn to take care of you...and with that...she made sure my girls had cute clothes, a wonderful memory box, and took the only pictures i'll ever have of my babies...without her supporting me when i was down...i'd never have the memories i have of my babies...it just shows that what comes around goes around - when youre down someone is there to pull you up...and vice versa - thats why SC is such a great place!

but of all the supporting things anyone ever said to me i will always remember her comment that forever changed how i felt about moving on with my life was...

"however sad and angry you are, or guilty...always remember that your babies didnt come into your life to leave you behind...feeling like this...that wasnt their purpose...thats not why they came, and they wouldnt want you to stop living just because they did. They love you too much for that."

i hope you find peace Laura and know that this anger you are going through is normal...and its part of the healing process...and just know that the more you share your feelings and get them out...the better it will be, eventually. i'm sending big hugs your way...and i know this is a hard time of year cuz people starting thinking about the holidays and all that ... so go easy on yourself and just take it one day at a time.

StormsDreams · 10-06-2007, 12:53 PM

Word for word..........this was my story.........i went back to work......lady there shows u/s pics of her new baby..........I wanted to die.......
Word for word your post is how i felt...........
I even called my husband one day on my way home.....and i told him I cant do this anymore......I do not have control of my thoughts or emotions anymore.....I want to die........He tells me i need to get help and this isnt healthy.........
While you might just have been posting to vent, i hope this doesnt offend you....it offended me months later when someone else said it but it was different...
I went to group counseling with other women who had a loss.....i still talk to someo of those ladies even though I am no longer in group.........I needed other women and men to understand that exact pain of looking a your baby........and then your arms are empty....I needed women who cried for hours because thier breast milk was coming in.......with no baby to feed.....I need women to understand packing or not packing aby clothes away that will never be worn.....
Laura,
I also needed medication..........i couldnt sleep, i couldnt think, i felt like i was no longer a human, i was a walking empty shell........
Nothing made me happy, i only used meds for a little while, but it helped, i needed something to take the edge off.....this was a hard decision....i felt like nothing would work except getting my son back..........
I have also learned that Your pain is real, its valid, and its yours.......my husband didnt feel the same way i did three months, 6 months, one year later, i felt like he was horrible for getting over it so fast....but I cant own his feelings just mine....
Please post or PM anytime........sometimes....this is the only place where you know at that exact moment you felt the pain couldnt hurt anymore....someone somewhere else has felt the exact samething....

TACM · 10-07-2007, 07:00 PM

Laura,
I am so sorry you are going through this. After I lost my girls, I was in the same place as you. The only thing that truly helped me get through all the grief was seeing a grief counselor. My husband went a few times with me, but was not really into it. I ended up going by myself for months. It was so helpful. What I learned was that men and women grieve very differently. About 6 months after I lost the girls, I was starting to feel like myself again, and then my husband hit rock bottom. He was so busy being strong and positive for me, he never had a chance to deal with the grief. It has been over 4 years since I lost my girls. The grief is still there, it will always be there. It is just easier to deal with, and it is not as overwhelming. I don't know what your thoughts are on antidepressants, but maybe it would be worth it to talk to your GP, or OB, and try to get on something very mild. You sound very depressed right now, and maybe you just need something to help you through the rough time. I promise it will get easier as time goes on.

Traci

RosesAreRed · 10-11-2007, 07:36 PM

Hi Laura,

I'm new to this forum but am struck by the honesty of your post. I just had a D and C on Friday 10/5/07 and thought I'd be relieved but now I'm bleeding, cramping and am just generally sore...and grieving again in waves. I've had a D and C before and it wasn't like this. This is my fourth m/c in two years and, at 38, I feel I'm losing more than another baby. I'm losing my fertility. I had told myself this last time that I was going to go on the pill if I lost this one. I feel like there comes a point when I must protect my body, self and sanity. How many times can a woman go through this without losing it? Hmm... don't know if I want to find out. Not that I'd really lose it, but sometimes it feels that way.

I feel I can't really go around telling everyone what's happening to me and yet, I feel like inviting people to a ceremony... a funeral type ceremony. I want all their hugs and for people to be okay with me crying and needing to be loved... and the food, it'd be great to get the pies and casseroles, too!

The reason I'm mainly writing is because I want to try a process on myself that I learned years ago and I thought others might want to try it, too. We could compare notes... see what changes we notice, if any. I'm here to connect so I don't feel so alone.

The process below was developed by Robert Dilts (1995): [Brackets are mine. It's a little tricky to understand if you haven't ever done this kind of visioning work before. But if you have, or have a vivid imagination, it will be easy if you read through it carefully and then "audition" through the steps before you sit down to do it. I would estimate the process would take a good hour to do. You need 100% privacy or the presence of someone you trust completely to protect your concentration and privacy. Let me know if you try it. I'll have a chance to do it tomorrow 10/11/07 if you want to know how it went for me. I suggest printing this out and having a paper and pen with you if you do it.]

1. Identify and associate into the experience of separation, sadness, and/or grief.
2. Break State. [This means get out of the feelings that just came up when you thought about what you are missing or feeling the loss of.] Focus on a couple of things in the area around you. Move to another spot, separate from the first. [This means to actually sit in a different spot from where you were sitting in #1]
3. Allow yourself to go into a centered and resourceful state [of mind]. Remember a time, a specific time when you were aligned [with yourself] and wise and allow yourself to experience this state [of mind]. Break state, again. [Sitting in yet another spot can help make this clearer.]
4. Choose 2 [imaginary] mentors who will act as 'guardian angels.' Select mentors who will always be with you from this time forward. [Imagine them just sitting with you during the rest of the process, supporting, guiding and protecting you.]
5. With your hands, sculpt a life size 'hologram' of the person (or event) [baby, spirit, angel, child, birth, motherhood, lifelong desire, etc.] you are missing [or grieving the loss of.] Create the person (or event) as you want him/her (it) to be.
6. Check for any negative or painful memories. Tie balloons to them and let them float away. (Images to the outside of the balloons, voices to the inside) [This means to imagine the painful memories projected on the outside of the balloons while the painful sounds, or the things you say to yourself, are inside the balloons. Be thorough. This may take some time.]
7. Breathe life into the hologram [Imagine your baby, spirit, angel, child, birth, motherhood, lifelong desire, etc. alive here and let yourself have it fully until you feel you have experienced what you are missing. This is referred to as your “new” mentor in the rest of the process.] and give your new mentor the voice you would like him or her to have.
8. Ask the new mentor, "What is the gift you have been wanting to give me all this time?" Go to 'second position' with your new mentor. [Second Position means the other person's position] Be that person [your mentor], standing in their shoes [it's okay if they don't really have shoes!], looking from their eyes and answer the question. Create a symbol for the gift you receive. [Write this gift down.]
9. Return to 'first position.' [First Position means your own self, thoughts, feelings, etc.] Associate back to yourself, and answer the question, "What is my gift for you?" Create a symbol for your gift to the other person. [Write this down as well.]
10. Exchange gifts with your new mentor and connect your hearts with an eternal silver thread of light.
11. Honor the gift you have received by finding someone else in your life to share it with. Future pace [Future Pace

means to imagine doing something in the future] how you will share this gift and keep it alive. Use your new mentor as a resource to help you share this gift.
12. Imagine your new mentor being welcomed by your other mentors.
13. Bring your gift, your new mentor and your other 'guardian angels' [figuratively back with you] into the situation where you had previously experienced separation, sadness, or grief, and notice how your experience is transformed. [How do you feel now that you are back in “reality” already having the mentors, the gift, and the connection with your new mentor with you - with you in spirit or in your deepest experience? How have your feelings/thoughts changed?]

oroe · 10-12-2007, 02:59 PM

*hug*
I really feel for you, and will keep you in my thoughts.

I know exactly how you feel.