I want to adopt......

Stephanie Caldwell · 08-08-2006, 03:10 AM

DH is iffy. I mean I think he is scared how he will love it. I would rather adopt than put my body through stress of IVF. IVF might not even work and after we pay the 20 thousands $$$ we are left w/ nothing but a horrible exspreince....but if you pay to adopt,you are pretty much granted a child. Am I looking at it the wrong way? We are on our 2nd round of clomid......and I am dredding it.

Calantha · 08-08-2006, 03:49 AM

I'm sure you didn't mean anything bad by your choice of words, but I'd have to say that the first step for either of you in accepting your infertility and moving on to adoption would be to stop thinking of the child you would adopt as an "it". Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh or judgemental, but I hate to hear children referred to as "it".
That said, I think that if you are uncomfortable with the treatments, then you shouldn't do them. No matter how much your DH wants a biological child, it is your body being put through the torture. Have you told him how you feel about it? Not in terms of adoption, but just that you are dreading even just another round of clomid?

Sarah_L · 08-08-2006, 05:09 AM

Hi Stephanie,

My story is similar to yours - I wanted NO fertility treatments of any kind. No Clomid, no IUI, no IVF, nothing. I did not want to spend the money and the emotions on a "maybe." DH, on the other hand, was gung ho and determined to conceive. He felt that by saying no to treatments we were saying a forever no to biological children. I told him that wasn't the case - but that I couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster for a maybe. If we ever conceive naturally, then great. But if not, we will have adopted children that we will love just as much.

As for are you looking at this wrong - well, the only thing I would say is that you and your DH need to be on the same page before you go through with either infertility treatments or an adoption. One or the other of you can do most of the research even if the other isn't ready for whatever step, but before you actually take that leap I highly suggest being on the same page. Adoption itself is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and being able to be there for one another and talk things through, knowing that you're both headed to the same goal (and not just to make the other person happy, but for YOU too) is absolutely priceless, IMHO.

dna · 08-08-2006, 02:06 PM

I want to agree with what has already been said...make sure you are sure that your husband will be fully on board with adopting a child...it isnt a walk in the park (the process) and noone wants to see a child adopted then not fully loved by both parents...kids can sense this and i have heard it more then once that a child knew his adoptive mom or dad didnt love them fully...

Not fair

Other than that a brush up on choice of words and a little more research and you will be on your way !

Good luck on whatever you decide...

strawberree · 08-08-2006, 02:11 PM

i dont blame u for dreading clomid..ugh..it was awful..i did three rounds..to be honest i didnt want to do the last one..but my husband said we might as well do what the doctor says with a higher dose... my dr. said after 3 then we would probably need to go to shots.. neither of us wanted to do that.. it was expensive and my heart just wasnt in it.. he was alittle iffy on adoption to..but he just didnt know anyone adopted and didnt really no anything about it..he wasnt so "iffy" just unaware of it.. that might be your husband too.. you said you think your husband may have trouble loving the child.. but have u asked him? maybe hes just scared about the whole thing..i have an adopted niece..that my husband worships.. and a few other adopted family members.. so once i clued him in and he seen that they fit perfectly into our family he was ready and very excited... he wishes we would of started the process sooner... go luck!!!

e&nee · 08-08-2006, 11:03 PM

I'm usually a lurker, but I have to take issue with the suggestion that Stephanie hasn't taken the first step in dealing with her infertility because she refers to her future child as "it." I know plenty of fertile couples who, during pregnancy, refer to the baby as "it," and their choice of words doesn't mean anything other than that we're burdened with a gendered language without enough acceptable pronouns!

I don't really care for the "it" trap, either, and it's not a term I use when referring to my future child, but it's massively unfair to suggest that using the non-gendered "it" has some greater meaning about someone's psychological state or readiness to adopt.

strawberree · 08-08-2006, 11:19 PM

i didnt commit on the "it" part of her post because i didnt see it as an issue.. just a choice of words that some people use.. obviously she didnt mean to be inappropriate.. and i know alot of people who say that too and they dont mean anything by it either

Calantha · 08-08-2006, 11:22 PM

Perhaps if you had read the words I wrote instead of looking for suggestions that weren't there, you would have noticed that I specifically said I knew Stephanie didn't mean anything bad by her choice of words. I understand why the word "it" is used. I don't like it (for bio or adopted children), but I understand it.
However, my assumption that there is some "coming to terms" to be done is based on the fact that she said her husband is unsure "how he will love it". I merely suggested that by ceasing to use the term "it" and using he, she or "our baby" or whatever, it would be easier for both of them to realize that a child is a child, no matter how he or she joins your family. Thinking of an impersonal "it" seems to me as though it WOULD be hard to imagine the love you might feel. Where thinking of a "he" "she" or "our baby" engenders those warm feelings. In the case of a biologocial child, you have that connection to the child that helps you to know that you will surely love your child no matter what. In the case of an adoptive child, especially if someone is struggling with knowing for sure whether they can love an adopted child, it is very VERY important to think in terms of a living, breathing, smiling, giggling, screaming, crying, bundle of human joy. Not in terms of an "it".

e&nee · 08-09-2006, 04:03 PM

Perhaps if *you* read the words *I* wrote, you would see that I didn't accuse you of anything other than suggesting that she has not come to terms with her infertility because she used the term "it," which you quite clearly did:

"the first step for either of you in accepting your infertility and moving on to adoption would be to stop thinking of the child you would adopt as an 'it'."

Quite frankly, it *is* judgemental, not to mention condescending, to say that someone hasn't taken the first step in accepting her infertility based on a five-line message on a discussion board in which she uses one word that you don't approve of. How do you know she hasn't taken one hundred steps toward accepting her infertility?!?

I understand your point about making the baby more "real" by referring to him/her by something other than "it," but maybe you could have suggested that in a way that didn't accuse her of not taking the first step in dealing with her infertility. And please understand that I'm not trying to be mean or start a big argument--I just really felt bad for her when I read your response to her post and wanted to register my disagreement.

Calantha · 08-09-2006, 05:17 PM

I didn't suggest anything. She said in her post she's still doing treatments because her husband doesn't know how he will love an adopted child. To have accepted infertility and be ready to move on to adoption means to be sure that you can love a child who is not biologically yours. This is what the social worker will want to know when he or she asks "Have you dealt with your infertility?", which is one of the FIRST questions they ask. I did not in any way intend to be mean to the OP, which is why I took extra pains to make sure I told her that I KNEW she meant nothing bad by her choice of words before I went on to express that perhaps ceasing to refer to an adopted child as "it" might be a helpful step.
Anyways, out of respect for the OP, I'm done with this argument. If she feels that I was mean or rude to her, she is welcome to PM me and I will again explain why I said what I said.

lesntex · 08-09-2006, 05:34 PM

Hi Stephanie
The most important thing is that you BOTH have peace with this decision (for the sake of this child). It took my Dh a good while before he was really ready to adopt. Like you, I did not want to go on any fertility frugs--so I haven't! I have wanted to start our family for a long time and prayed for an answer. It happened this year. Long story short-- (out of the blue) we were asked if we would take a 2 year old boy. Unfortunately--it didn't work out--but it was at that time that my dh finally realized he could raise and love any child.
Well- we are now in the process to foster/adopt. We are both excited, but we know what a huge committment this is and how it will chage our lives forever!
I still wonder if I will ever get pg someday--but no matter what, I know we are supposed to adopt. This child will be such a blessing to our family. And although he/she will not be biological--we will do our best to raise him/her to feel as if they are.
Just be patient---I have waited 9 years. You will both know when the time is right. I said a little prayer for you......& I will be here if you ever need to talk.

Stephanie Caldwell · 08-10-2006, 02:52 AM

Well,I have read these post over twice now and I am speechless!
Calantha,I understand where you are coming from,the terms like "the baby or he/she" will make it,(see there you go I used it again)more real.More excepting and natural. I totally get your point but it is the love you have for them not what you call them.I am a southern girl,and it is normal for us to talk like that.I don't know where you are from and what kind of morals,standards, or beliefs you have,not being mean at all but I am capable of being a mother and I can call my child whatever I want to.

Calantha · 08-10-2006, 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stephanie Caldwell

I totally get your point but it is the love you have for them not what you call them.I am a southern girl,and it is normal for us to talk like that.I don't know where you are from and what kind of morals,standards, or beliefs you have,not being mean at all but I am capable of being a mother and I can call my child whatever I want to.

I'm sure you are capable of being a mother. I never said you weren't. You're also perfectly within your rights to call your child whatever you want. You yourself state that the love is the important part.. soon after telling us your husband wasn't sure how he would love "it". I merely suggesting changing your terminology might help.

Stephanie Caldwell · 08-10-2006, 03:52 AM

Thank You Calantha. I was very shocked when I came in from work and found all these post and they were seemed to be about the "it" factor which totally got blown way out of proportion!Thanks Agian!

cici · 08-11-2006, 10:01 PM

Hi Stephanie, when I brought up adoption to my husband he was kind of iffy also not about loving the baby but I think really he just didn't want to get his hopes up and be disappointed again. We had been trying naturally and with Clomid for years and I got pregnant once but miscarried quickly after finding out we were pregnant my husband was just worried we were getting our hopes up about adopting the baby and that the birthmom would change her mind. Now that we have our baby my husband is thrilled to be a dad and we both love her very much. As everyone said though you both have to be on the same page because the process of adopting can be very stressful for you both but the end result is definitely worth all the stress.