I wish I was dead

Sharmayla · 02-04-2008, 07:16 PM

That's all. I just wish I was dead. But don't worry - I'm too big of a chicken-sh*t to do anything.

SnowFlower · 02-04-2008, 07:30 PM

I am sorry you feel that way... no one should feel that way. PLEASE get help, go to your local hospital ER, call a friend or family member to take you, call 911 if you need to. You need to seek help to get better and there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

Please know we are all here for you. I remember going through so many panic attacks in one day where I felt like I was dying constantly. Even though I knew I wasnt I thought what kind of quality of life is this? I needed to get help and I did. I have never wanted to die in all honesty it scares me and I dont like thinking about it. I do however understand feeling trapped, suffocated, and like the desire to live is outweighed by something and for me it was my panic attacks making me feel like I was dying over and over again. Did I want to take medicine or get help? No not really but if I didnt I have no idea where I would be. I was ashamed to admit I had panic/anxiety disorder. I was ashamed I had to be on medicines to prevent the attacks and I am still scared to get them and still get them but at a much lower level. Anyhow things did get better. There were setbacks and there still are obstacles and hopefully one day I hope I can get through them without medication but right now I need it and thats why its here for people who need it.

Bottom line is that when you need help you have to get it. That is why its there and out there and I think at one point or another everyone has to ask for help. We all are human. So please feel free to vent to us all you would like but please also seek help. We are here for you.

lolo246 · 02-04-2008, 08:37 PM

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Please know that we are all here if you ever need to discuss something. Sometimes it is easier to share things with a person over the net so you don't have to look them in the face. At least, that is how I feel.

If you do feel like you can't go on, please dial 911.

If you just want to chat, post often.

toshia · 02-04-2008, 10:32 PM

(((HUGS)))

I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I know how terrible it is to feel like you want to die. If the feeling gets too bad you do need to seek help. You may feel like you are too chicken **** but when the time comes you really don't think. It just happens. I tried to kill myself 3 years ago. I took an entire bottle of valium and some adivan. The thing that set me off was my bf called me a heartless *****. That's all it took and I had about 100 pills in my system.

I posted a video on here that really helps me when I get that depressed. I'm not going to post it in this thread but there is one line in that song that hits home. You see the trick is you're never supposed to act on it, NO MATTER HOW UNBEARABLE THIS MISERY GETS. That is the line that keeps me going.

It's hard for me to talk in person so I find someone online that I trust to talk to. You can pm me anytime you need to talk. I can give you my email address as well. I do understand what you are going through. I'm here if you need me.

Sharmayla · 02-05-2008, 12:09 PM

Thank you, Snowflower, Lori, and Toshia -

I never should have posted that. Too depressing. Thank you for trying to cheer me up. People always say things will get better, but this WON'T. Facial hair doesn't just magically go away. I'll always have this. It will NEVER get better. But how do I tell people that, when I don't even want them to know?

I tried to kill myself too, 30 years ago, when I was 20. My husband and I were living with his parents because we were so poor we couldn't afford our own place, I had just had a stillborn baby boy, and my husband was having an affair with a girl from work (a fast-food place.) His mother was the MIL FROM HELL and interfered on a daily basis and was cruel to me. My husband wouldn't stand up to her. She wouldn't let me bathe or shower because she was obsessed with the water bill. Her and my SIL BULLIED me every day. I was so stressed out, I was constantly in the bathroom with IBS. I quit eating. I think because I didn't want to live anymore, but couldn't actually come right out and kill myself. I didn't eat for a whole MONTH and lost 50lbs. I went from 140lbs down to 89lbs. NO ONE even bothered to put me in the hospital! To this day, I don't know how I survived. The only thing I can think of is because my husband came to his senses and started forcing me to drink a McDonald's milkshake every day. He would actually sit with me and force me to drink it. I was so full, I felt like I was going to explode. He gave up the girlfriend. We went through many more years of very bad stuff, lost 2 more babies, but we're still together, and he's a completely different person. He now earns 5 times what he did back then, we finally bought a house 3 years ago, he's a huge help with the housework and with our 2 adult sons, who live with us because they inherited my mom's schizophrenia (God wasn't done with my punishment yet, because I wasn't a very nice person in my late teens). And oh yeah, it looks like I'm finally inheriting my dad's alcoholism.

So some things got better, but there's so much bad stuff, that I honestly can't understand why we're still together or why I'm still here.

Thank you all for being here.

LandonsMommy · 02-05-2008, 12:44 PM

Please see someone. A counselor, medical professional, even a support group. It hurts me to hear posts like this. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now. I am not going to say things will get better, because right now thats not what you need to hear.
Please get help. Life is too precious to waste feeling that way. You are in my thoughts.

Sharmayla · 02-06-2008, 10:42 AM

Thank you, LandonsMommy. I appreciate everyone's sweet messages.

SnowFlower · 02-06-2008, 11:02 AM

I am so sorry for all you went through and are going through. If you havent had therapy I would strong suggest it. It def. helps talking about things. Hugs! We are all here for you

Sharmayla · 02-06-2008, 11:10 AM

I forgot to say that I had counseling for years and years, but it never did any good. It doesn't make all the bad things that happened to me go away. I got counseling because of the way I was raised. My mom was schizophrenic and my dad was a rageaholic alcoholic. He was ten times scarier than my mom. Sure - she left us out in the freezing cold all day barefoot in our boots, but that was nothing compared to what my dad did. He was a drill sargent in the Korean War, and kept acting like one after he had kids. He would touch our nose with his and SCREAM at us at the top of his lungs for the slightest little infraction. And looking back as we got older, we realized we were pretty darn good kids compared to some other kids. He also forbade us to have friends, and flat out refused to buy us clothes. We were forced to wear the same 2 outfits to school every day (there were 4 of us - 1 boy and 3 girls). On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we would wear one outfit, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, we would wear the other outfit. The other kids always knew which outfit we would be wearing the next day! We were mercilessly bullied every single day. He was extremely strict. One day, my brother forgot to take out the garbage, so my dad dumped it all over his bed. My brother never forgot to take out the garbage again, but whenever I tell people that, they can't believe it. I wish I could've dumped the garbage all over HIS bed. My brother and I are extremely close, but I don't even see or talk to my sisters. My younger sister cut ties with EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the family - extended family too. She told my other sister that she doesn't want anything in her life that reminds her of her childhood. Boy, that'll tell you how bad it was!