I have been hiding my feelings as best as I could with an occasional break down, but not too bad. Today I decided to get up earlier than normal. Hoping that I would feel better and try to get a hold of life, the life that I felt no longer existed for me.
This week my friend, only friend I have, told me that she was most likely leaving. It hurt, because every friend I have ever made has left me in one way or another. Sure we can still talk on the phone or over the internet, but it just isn't the same. It is the reason that I don't make new friends very well.
I looked in the mirror as I have done a million times while getting ready to shower. I saw the fat rolls, the same ones I have seen over and over again. Only this time they looked bigger. I then stepped on the scale, which I do once a month and I had gained again. I am now at my highest weight ever and it is horrible. I did so well over the holidays, actually lost a few pounds, but now it is back. I am sure it is water weight, but that doesn't even matter. I am still fat. I hopped into the shower and couldn't help buy find the shape of myself on the wall in the faux marble tub surround. It was me, the same shape I had been trying to not see, staring back at me. The way I stand, the rolls just rolling off of me. All I could do was cry. I never cry in the shower and today I couldn't stop. I thought about how everyone kept telling me I was pretty, just need to lose some weight. How they said just exercise a little, it will come off. But I did, a little, and it didn't go away. I have changed my eating habits, and nothing has worked. Something or someone is keeping me from helping myself.
Not too long ago, about a month, my husband for the first time that I could remember told me I was beautiful. It felt great to hear it at that time. But now it just seems to be another one of those things that sticks in my mind as being unhelpful and only furthering my self loathing. Why? Because all our lives we are told it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, only what you think. I can't even remember how many times I was told that as a kid when I was teased. It stuck, it really did stick in my mind. Because now I know that no matter what anyone else says, only what I think matters. So, it must be me that is keeping me from being what I should be. Because I think I am ugly, fat, and unlovable. And that is what counts, what matters, and is what is true, if you believe the above statement.
I am writing this under a new name, because I am not looking for any of the normal "comforting" replies. I just wanted a place to write it down, where others would and could identify with how I am feeling.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I had gone through my life believing that I am fat, ugly and undesirable. However, in my long journey I have come to realize a few things:
How you talk to yourself greatly impacts what you think about yourself. I was very good at talking negatively to myself and reinforcing those thoughts of "I'm fat, ugly, etc." It helps to try and think positively to yourself. And I know that after YEARS of people making fun of you and being negative that it's a VERY hard cycle to break. But you have to start taking it a little at a time. You also have to stop yourself when you realize that you are being negative about yourself. Reinforce yourself positively by saying that you are pretty or whatever the opposite of the negative message is. Then take action to improve your positive reaction. Start taking the steps to get that weight gone. Eat right and exercise. Drink lots of water. And so on.
You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I used to think this was crazy. Until I really realized what it meant. I was at the end of my rope and ready to be alone for the rest of my life. At that time I came to grips with who I was by myself and really started to understand just who I was when I was by myself and not part of a "couple." That introspection time helped me to determine what I wanted from life and the kind of person I wanted to spend it with. I know you said you are married, but have you always been part of a couple? Do you really know who you are apart from other people? (your husband, your parents, your friends)
I don't know if this will help you at all. I certainly hope it does. I know how hard it is to be depressed and have people give you the same old "you'll feel better" responses.
Please feel free to email or PM me if you want to talk. I'd be happy to listen and help any way I can.
Take care.
~Chris
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Originally posted by Chowns I know you said you are married, but have you always been part of a couple? Do you really know who you are apart from other people? (your husband, your parents, your friends)
I have been with this man for 13 years now, married for 11.5 of those years. Before that I was always on my own. I didn't hang out much with my friends, except for one. I never had a bf in highschool, but didn't care. It wasn't on my list of priorities.
I have actually never really known what I wanted to do as far as career, but I knew that I wanted to travel. My husband says I have changed alot since we got married and I had my first m/c. I can't blame my troubles on either of those, because I believe that finding him was the most wonderful thing to happen to me. It just seems that every year, I look at myself and wonder what the heck I am doing. Where am I going and what would I do without my dh. He says I would survive and be fine, I don't know if I would. Well, actually I do know that I would but only because I would be forced to survive out of instinct. So I guess, I really don't know who I am. I don't even know how to find out. I have tried, but I am just not finding anything that really makes me happy. I do know that I was happier when I was working, but am having a really hard time getting a job. No one wants to hire someone who hasn't worked in over 5 years. I have tried.
My biggest problem is that I am so indecisive. I start something and then don't finish, because I lose interest. Or I want something and then don't. I just feel blah all the time.
Sadinside, as you're really only wanting a place to write I will honor that. But, I do want you to know that you post gave me a lot to think about as well. Thank you. Lendi
__________________ It's ok to cry if you're sad. Tears are God's little safety valve.
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I woke up today 
