infertility and miscarriage

soonermama · 10-08-2007, 10:37 PM

How do you deal with the complex emotions of both? I feel like I can't grieve for this baby because I'm thinking about our next move in terms of fertility. I am completely consumed with sorrow and despair. I am soooo desperate to have a baby and so devastated that I just lost one that I can't cope with reality anymore. I'm jealous that we can't just try at home like other couples, which makes waiting until the drs feel like it's okay to ttc again and okay to start meds again so freakin' agonizing (and it's only been a week since my m/c!). I feel like I cannot focus on anything else, and I'm neglecting my poor ds and my dh and my pets and my house and my yard. I have friends who've dealt with IF, and friends who've had a m/c, but not friends who are dealing with both. I wish I had someone IRL who could relate, although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

pamb · 10-08-2007, 11:59 PM

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope things get better for you! ((((HUGS))))!

sazzifrazz · 10-09-2007, 12:09 AM

I think it almost becomes 2 separate issues. When I had my M/C I was so sad for my loss. I was devestated that I lost a life, and mourned for who that baby was/would have been. I was also so sad/mad that I lost the result of our IVF. We went through so much to get pregnant and poof it was gone! It is all-consuming. not an hour goes by that I don't think about our next step. I have felt a huge amount of pressure to conceive #2, when I finally did get pregnant I felt so relieved. after i M/Ced that pressure came back only so much worse. i feel this frantic need to hurry up and get pregnant. Its like I can't enjoy anything else until that happens. It reallys sucks! DH doesn't understand that.

SheriKCMO · 10-09-2007, 12:34 AM

It's a huge double whammy.

I think you need to be very gentle to yourself right now and just get through one day at a time. Your loss is very fresh. Parenthood has been the most humbling experience of my life, from the moment we think we are trying until the day I die. Not one single thing has gone the way I planned or thought it would, and that is just the way things are. I wished to be pregnant again the day after our loss, and I was not going to be settled until it happened, so I feel for you right now! Totally been there. I just had to take a step back and let things suck, because they did.

I hope that over the coming weeks you have some okay days and then a couple of pretty decent days and can think straight about the ttc stuff. I hope that it goes very quickly next time! (((hugs)))

mom2amy · 10-09-2007, 11:29 AM

I just wanted to say take time for yourself first. I dealt with both issues and had to take steps back from TTC for a while (went on BCP most of the time just to regulate my AF's). I know how hard it can be so I am always here if you need someone to chat with.
I have tried for #2 in our arms since our DD was 2 yrs old and she is now 8! So on and off for 6 yrs and then to have 3 chemical/early losses and a blighted ovum in that time has been very hard on me.
******************Preg mentioned*********************

I have turned my siggy off since it has a ticker showing I am 25 wks along with our miracle little girl. This pregnancy has not been so easy (clomid and then progesterone until end of first tri), lots of bed rest and L&D visits so far due to spotting/bleeding and pressure/ BH's.

Just know I am here if you need me!

danibell · 10-09-2007, 11:38 PM

All I can tell you, is to let yourself grieve. We tried for 2 yrs for our second child, 14 months of that on various infertility medications, so I've been thru the IF rollercoaster. This time, I was ecstatic at only having tried for 7 months, 6 months sorta trying and one month trying/charting. Only to lose it at 6 weeks...

While I didn't go thru both together, my worry now is, CAN I conceive a baby on my own that will stick? Will I need to go back to IF treatments to have a healthy baby? And will that take another 14 months or 2 yrs to get??

I don't know the right answer, but I do know that I had to let myself cry myself to sleep at night, for the all the "why me's" and "what else could I have done" and the "what if's"....and now that I've done that, I can focus on what's next, where do we go from here, and how do we get there...

soonermama · 10-12-2007, 10:48 AM

Rant ahead. Feel free to ignore. I just need to get this out.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I dream all night about everyone else getting pregnant, and I don't. I dream about other people's babies, and in my dream know that my baby is gone. I go to work and all I see are babies (I work very part-time at the child watch at our Y). I can't answer the phone when I see that it's my sister calling, because I'm panic-stricken that she'll tell me she's pregnant. I know she's not, but I'm just not being reasonable about things right now. If one more close friend/family member tells me they are pg, I told dh that we are moving to a remote part of the wilderness so I don't have to see anyone anymore. My eating is out of control, and I'm gaining weight again which isn't helping my pcos. I have had some painful personal losses in the past, but nothing compares with the intensity of this. I never knew something could hurt so bad. I've been frequenting the pg loss forums on the boards I'm on, but I feel like I can't express my grief adequately because of the infertility pain. And I can't express my pain on the infertility forums, because I did get pg even though it ended in m/c.

hela · 10-12-2007, 02:10 PM

I'm so sorry you're feeling down soonermamma, hard to know where you fit in sometimes isn't it

a big ole hug for you

hela xxx

danibell · 10-13-2007, 12:16 AM

Honey you rant away, right here, where we, fellow pcos'ers, can understand you!! Don't ever feel like you can't share, because somewhere here on this board is someone who's going thru something at least very similar, and we are all here to help and support each other, hold each other up, and get each other thru the crappy terrible emotional rollercoaster times!!

emmalie2003 · 10-13-2007, 06:32 PM

I know where you are coming from. We tried for a year and a half and we wanted this baby so badly, only to have it end in m/c at 12 weeks. We are having infertility issues as well, but we aren't quite sure why. We were to go to a fertility clinic in September when I got pregnant on my own. I was already distraught over the infertility piece, and now to compound that with the grief of losing the child that we did finally conceive is feeling just like an extra weight put on our shoulders. We are wondering if we will ever be able to conceive normally again, if we are going to be made to wait forever before they look into it because by some fluke we got pregnant on our own. It's hard enough to go through a m/c, but when it's something you worked so long and hard for because of infertility, it just worsens the pain so much for us. I hope that we don't need IVF because my dh doesn't want to go through it, but there is just that added element of despair with the infertility for me.

mariposabelle · 10-13-2007, 07:25 PM

(((((Hugs to Soonermama))))) I am so sorry and I know exactly how you feel. I had a loss the end of May and it is not getting any easier. In fact it is getting worse. I am also dealing with PCOS and hormonal issues, a possible uterine surgery, and withdrawal from antidepressants which is making life the living hell for me. On top of that we found out about a month ago my sister-in-law (they eloped in February) is pregnant and due in April. I am so bitter that it was so easy for them and so many other people.

Vent all you want...we are here for you.