Infertility and stillbirth

Jakes_Angel · 09-16-2008, 12:21 AM

Ok so I have talkd a lot about my son and how we losthim at 41 weeks and how upset I have been over this whole issue. The whole time my hubby has been deployed I have been upset becasue all I could hink about when we lost Trey was to try again. Well now he is about to come home and I am back to not having periods on my own which means I am going to have to be pumped full of hormones not only to get pg but to have a period as well...soooo to make a long story short, I started provera on wednesday took the last of it yesterday. I have to say that I have had some of the strangest thoughts go through my head, thoughts that dont even seem like they are mine. I have not had to take any antidepressants despite what I have been going through but I try to avoid situations that will make me really upset(even though it bothers my stepdad that I do that). But last night I was taking my rozerem(have to take that or my mind goes back to the night we found out trey had died and I dont sleep) I was getting it out of the bottle and BRIEFLY the thought of swallowing all 20 pills left in the bottle went through my mind. and as quickly I pushed that thought out of my head....I seriously think it is the hormones...I hate that...but I have to take them to have another baby..anyways, just wondering if anyone is having to deal with the difficult reality that trying after a still birth is much more painful and diffucult to get through.

MontanaMama · 09-16-2008, 01:34 AM

Our daughter was not as far along as your son, but I know the pain you're going through. I had briefly thought to myself that everyone would be better off without me... and it was a truly serious thought. It scared the hell out of me. I told my husband what I had thought, and that I would never DO anything.. but still it was in my head. We have been trying since april with no luck and it's super hard. I miss our baby every day, especially when around little girls, I think about what we've been cheated out of. I think as time goes by it will be easier to deal with, although for me I think it will always be a raw type of pain. Love and miss your son, but if you ever feel that way again you should call someone you trust just to talk about it, I think it helps. As for hormones, they always screw with me lol. Good luck to you.

Kristina

lovepotato · 09-16-2008, 12:12 PM

After I lost Eric at 29 weeks, I wished that God would just take me so I could be with him. I didn't care if other people needed me (except DH, I think he's the only person I stuck around for), I just wanted Eric. We didn't have to take fertility drugs, but trying again was hard. I didn't know if our next baby would be healthy, I didn't know if I would be healthy. I thought Eric died because I had an infection. I was afraid that I had caused his birth defects and our next baby would be sick too and it would have been all my fault. Plus, even though we had gotten pregnant with Eric on our own, that didn't mean it would be easy a second time.
Its so hard, and cruel. Its not enough that we lost our first, but now we have to go through 9 months of worrying about our second. It is so worth it though. We have another little boy, and being his mother is amazing. You'll never be innocent about pregnancy, but you'll be seeing a high risk OB,and they'll watch you so much more. I think I remember you saying they would induce you a little early? I'm sure they'll keep a super close eye on you. And what happened to Trey was an accident, right?

Have you considered seeing a counselor? I was seeing one before Eric, and then after, and then during my second pregnancy. Those hormones definitely screw with you. I took provera a few years ago, and they made me psycho. I don't know what I would have done without my counselor. I also researched Eric's condition like crazy and met a woman online who lost a daughter to the same thing. We talked a little and she helped a lot. I definitely think trying after a stillborn is super hard, there are so many emotions.

Here are a couple blogs (one of them is a cyster's). They both lost a baby this year, and their blogs are so inspiring. They have such a faith in God. http://www.tstapes.blogspot.com and http:www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I'll be praying for you, good luck.

Jakes_Angel · 09-16-2008, 07:12 PM

Thanks for both of your replies, I was seeing a counselor but she was making me feel worse about myself for still feeling this way (as is most ppl in my life right now) When DH gets back in a few weeks we will be moving back to WA...I am fine without the stupid hormones but the synthetic hormones literally make me feel as if someone has taken over my thoughts. I just dont want it to affect me in such a way that I srtart getting paranoid orweird...if that makes sense...I know during my next pg I will be much more concerned but i am sure once I am pg my anxiety will ease up...just because my emotions were incredibly high compared to normal while I was pg I am thinking that the hormones give me an optamistic outlook...I am just worried about the emotions I am having right now with the synthetic hormones.

SheriKCMO · 09-16-2008, 07:51 PM

I can't take provera, it makes me feel like a crazy person, so I totally agree with what you're feeling. Please talk to your doctor about it. If there is any possible way to get things going without it, please do! I was on metformin and started low carbing to get my eggs going, and it worked wonderfully. Best wishes with the move and your DH's return!! And don't listen to anyone's advice unless they've experienced something like your loss... those people don't know what world you are living in right now. (((Hugs)))

alwayzrn · 09-16-2008, 08:15 PM

I know after I lost my son Tre' at 22 weeks I was more hopeful that it would happen again, but after I lost my son Walter at 19w5d, I had to have an emergency c-section because my placenta abrupted, I prayed that I would have died on that table. I lost 4 pints of blood and I could have died, and for awhile I thought I was being punished to be made to live. But I am finally starting to see some hope, I am currently taking birth control so my uterus and stuff can heal since I had a classic c-section and we may try again in about 18 months (dh says 2 years).

I do pray that everything gets better for you and with you next pg you have a very healthy baby! We are here for you!!

Adrianne

Jakes_Angel · 09-16-2008, 09:39 PM

I am on metformin and a low carb diet I have lost 31 pounds (over 10%) of my body weight, my periods still arent regular...I had one regular cycle and now its been like 60 days since the last time...dont have a clue why progesterone hasnt made me start yet maybe tomorrow...anywasy so I dont think there is another answer to it...just wish it didnt wreak such havoc on my thoughts...It just isnt like me to think of taking a bottle of pills wen I am not overwhelmed or upset or stressed out ( I have had that thought before but it was under different circumstances...I was severely depressed and didnt have any support at all at the time) This time I was actually in a fairly good mood I am this close to hubby coming home and I had a friend coming to visit me and everything was jsut going pretty good for me I was actually smiling (dont get me wrong I do have my moments but i dont stay depressed all the time) when the thought went through my head...so i just feel like it snuck in...does that make sense???I dont now its weird and I am glad I am done with the provera for this month anyway...but stll have yet to start and still have to take my clomid(not sure how that is going ot affect me jsut yet)

Fleegle4 · 09-20-2008, 12:11 AM

Jake's Angel --

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're right in that hormones and pills can lead to suicidal thoughts. I was on a BCP once that did that, and I got rid of those pills the next day. I know how much you want a child, but maybe it would be best for you to just be with your husband for a while after he comes back without worrying about TTC. You can take active measures later, but for now it might be best to cut yourself a break, allow yourself to grieve, spend time with your husband and not add in the stress of being on the TTC rollercoaster with all the pills and drugs. You can go back on it in a few months. The hormone pills can definitely make you nuts, but you are also dealing with real grief and real sadness -- it's not just the pills talking.

Good luck.

uwalcott · 09-20-2008, 12:19 AM

I cannot entirely relate to your tremendous pain as I never had a stillbirth, but I did get suicidal thoughts quite often after my DD was born with severe disabilities. I had just gone through a horribly excruciating pregnancy with her, and then she was born so sick and nobody expected her to make it. I was also separated from DH. It got so bad that I did swallow about 10 or so antidepressant pills when DD was 4 months old. I ended up in the hospital for a week and I truly could have died, God gets the glory that I made it to take care of my little monkey (who is nearly 3 now and doing much better). Please please talk to someone if these thoughts recur though. NEVER play around with depression esp if it includes suicidal thoughts. I came really close to ending it all, that's why I say get help. You know if you need it. And don't take the pills if they are messing with your head. You can always try again when you have dealt further with your grief. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss honey. My prayers go out to you.