Insenstive comments

AnotherDreamer · 05-08-2008, 12:26 PM

I posted this on another loss forum... but I wanted to throw his to you ladies as well...

I've been getting a lot of "It could be worse." bull sh*t in these past couple of days since I found out. I want to hurt them so bad... they act like my baby didn't matter because I didn't carry it longer, it wasn't born... but it did matter! It was MY baby. It will always be my first child. What, because I only carried it a few weeks that makes it less of a being? It makes it not matter? My mother said, "It could be worse, you could have been 7 months along, or your baby could have lived a few weeks and then died." So, my baby doesn't matter because it wasn't a "real" baby? This is what their comments sound like to me.

It's like they're saying that my baby didn't matter. And my feelings are trivialized. They act like I should just pull myself back together and get on with it... my brother even told me I need to pull myself together.... I only found out that I lost it a few days ago! Am I not allowed to grieve the death of my child!

It's not fair... I lost my baby and everyone in my family keeps telling me that is could have been worse... like that's supposed to help in any way shape or form... what? Because it could be worse I am supposed to be happy my baby died now or something? I don't get it! And then I flip out on them and they get offensive and tell me I need to calm down, etc, etc.
They need to be upset! That's what's wrong. Their grandchild, nephew, etc.. died too. Not just my baby, and they don't seem to care. No one is mourning the death of my child except my DH and myself... No one seems to care he's gone... they keep saying their sorry for me, but what about my baby!

Sorry I am ranting... I just need to get it out... I wanted this baby so bad, and everyone is p*ssing me off with their insensitive comments. And I just want to be sad for awhile... I want to mourn for my child. I need to remember him, think of him... miss him. Maybe they don't think of him as a baby, but I do. He WAS a baby, even if he only grew into an embryo... that doesn't negate his existence as my baby. He was a full grown baby in my heart.

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How do you cope when people say insensitive things like this... I know that some of them are just trying to help, but that really doesn't make their comments hurt any less.... I keep exploding when they say these things, and I know it's driving them away... which may be good considering they don't seem to understand my pain and are just angering me right now... but what do you do when people say things like this?

Miracle07 · 05-08-2008, 12:43 PM

(((hugs))) My MIL said to me after my first m/c "Oh don't worry there will be other babies" That really hurt me too, going through IF you never know if there is going to be other babies and not to mention the long hard rode it takes to even get pg! Also it made me feel that my baby was not real and that it could be easily replaced or something like if I was a child and I lost something. I am still mad at her a little about that comment. Even though I did have a baby. That first was still a baby to me too. I think the only people who are going to understand is the people who have been there. There is really nothing you can do about their comments. Just lean on DH and greive together over your loss. Also talk to people who do understand and will be supportive.

AnotherDreamer · 05-08-2008, 01:15 PM

Thanks Miracle. I've been getting that to, "You'll get pregnant again."

Rub salt into the IF wound... I feel that one.

I just wish there was a way to make people understand these things. It's like no matter how much I explain, no one seems to get it. It took me a year to get pregnant, and no one even believes that I am infertile. They keep telling me that that's not true... funny, cause I thought that if I hadn't Ov'ed in a year and a half then I surely fell into the IF category. And that's one of the reasons they just don't get ANY of this. It would have hurt losing the baby if I was fertile, but it's a crushing blow because I am IF. And no one understands what I went through to have this baby. Or what this baby meant to me....

Thank you again Miracle. I'm glad that there are people who understand, but sad that any of us have to go through this. I wish that someone in my family could realize what I am feeling here. My mother went through a m/c herself, but she doesn't understand. It's like the people I thought would understand just can't.

amandap513 · 05-08-2008, 01:16 PM

I don't think that most people mean to be insensitive but they haven't ever been there themselves. I think as humans we always try to get to the quickest fix and by trivializing your loss they feel like they have helped you fix it. You just have to remember that these people who make these comments do love and care about you, they are probably just finding it difficult to know what to say to help you feel better. They don't want to see you hurting. I went through the same thing with my losses.

SandV · 05-08-2008, 01:47 PM

My empathy to you at this time. I do am suffering from a loss but mine was due to an ectopic pregnancy. I found out I was 8 weeks the same day I had to have the emergency surgery. Although DH and his family have been extremely supportive, none of them know how to react when I just start to cry for no reason. It has only been 2 weeks since the surgery, but I find if I discuss on my "good days" it helps the healing for me. My MIL told me to stop crying about it, I snapped. I just told her I need to cry and I need to feel the loss of our baby. Since then she only asks if I am ok and if I need to discuss it today.
I hope this helps you through these difficult times. Everyone heals in their own time and way. I found for me, if I explain why I am upset and why what someone says makes me upset it helps.

I have been PCOS for 10+ years, but once I met DH I wanted nothing more than to have our baby.

Shelly77 · 05-08-2008, 05:15 PM

I totally understand you frustration with the comments people make...

After 9 1/2 years of trying to conceive (only clomid a few times) but never not trying... Then in June of 06 all of a sudden testing + to learn I had already mc.. My MIL made some very inconsiderate comments "well at least we know u can get pregnant" or my fav "it happens all the time."

Now with both our IF problems, getting pregnant again and MC was a major blow, we had sort of started "considering" and planing for a life without children, then this "hope" pops into our lives and is dashed again. My sister's comment was, "I wonder why your body keeps doing this."

No one around ya at the time seem to really understand how painful these kinds of statements really are.

Shelly

PCOSDC · 05-10-2008, 08:55 PM

Oh god I really hate all those comments. "At least you can get pregnant" "It happens all the time" "at least you were early" "you'll have other babies"
The funny thing is I didn't get any of those with my 2nd miscarriage. It's like after you have 2 miscarriages people start to believe you that something is wrong with you.

polly-pcos · 05-11-2008, 06:53 AM

I just never talk to anyone about mine. People pissed me off so much after the first that I told only a very chosen few the next time- out of necessity really and I found that was much better. Looking back I only told people who had said nice things the first time.

I hate the "at least you can get pg" line because it makes no sense to anyone who has lost a baby.

The other killer I had, after telling the results of the analysis/post mortem, which showed no defects etc, was for them to confirm to me, as if I hadn't quite got it the first time, that the problem was me not being able to carry the baby to term- well thanks Mum, that really helps my feelings of guilt and inadequacy!

sherlynn · 05-12-2008, 12:38 PM

Polly-PCOS - OMG just b/c their is no "defects" does NOT mean the problem lies with you..MOST of this is COMPLETELY out of our control ..Do not let Anyone tell you the problem is with you..the PROBLEM is b.c. of our disease not US.

I sometimes believe people don't know what to say so they say anything to help.. We need to be able to grieve, accept our feelings and "deal" with this how ever we need to. What I do not understand is this is a death and their is a grieving process but we for some reason are not suposed to go through that process.. we are just suposed to look at the bright side and move on. Sometimes I think that hurts the most. Its so unfairs that people under estimate the depth that this hurts.

lachicarubia · 05-12-2008, 03:43 PM

Dreamer (and the others who have posted), I am so sorry for your loss, and I am so sorry for the insensitive comments from those around you. (((HUGS)))

Of course you need to cry, you need to grieve. Some people just don't understand.

I cried for a long time after my loss at 9 weeks, and then cried again on my due date. Sometimes I still think about the babies I lost and can't hold back the tears, even though it happened over 5 years ago, and I have had 2 children since then. I will never forget the babies I lost; they shall be forever in my heart, and I know that it will be the same for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.

AnotherDreamer · 05-12-2008, 06:03 PM

Thank again ladies.

I wish there was a way to make them get it, and no amount of explaining seems to work... I've decided to distance myself from them temporarily, and they ended up taking that the wrong way too.

I'm the one who lost a baby, and they keep telling me to pull myself together and get on with it, to grow up...
They act like my sadness and pain are unjustified, that I am being irrational in my anger at their comments...
I stopped answering their calls for now, the pain is so raw. Mother's day was the one week mark since I had been in the ER when I started m/cing...
And they told me I was being irrational. I just found out a week ago that I lost my baby...

I don't get it...
But my DH is there for me, he's helping me hold together...
I wish that my family could understand...
but they can't... I get that.

But if they can't get it, why can't they just stop being mad at me for my flailing emotions and anger. I just wish I could grab them and shake them to their senses.

I'm glad I can get some of this out, and know that I'm not the only one who feels that my baby was a baby.

Someone said that the difference between losing a baby/pregnancy and losing someone else like your mother/grandmother is that you haven't lost the past, you've lost a future.
You'll always have those memories of your mother/grandmother, etc... but you will not have a memory of that child. You've lost a whole future, a dream. You have a lifetime of what ifs. This new years I'll be remembering that my baby was due that week, next may I'll be remembering that my baby would be four months old, if only. A whole life time of what ifs...

And for some reason people don't understand this.
Even if I tell it to them like that.
They just can't get it.

(*sigh*)

Dagmar · 05-13-2008, 09:17 AM

AnotherDreamer, firstly, I am so sorry for your loss (((hugs))). Now, as far as insensitive comments go, I'm totally with you, and understand the rage you are feeling. I had them from a lot of medical staff, my parents, friends and acquaintances. I wanted to kill them all. I found for me, it helped to get my Husband to speak to some people in advance, and to tell them that if they didn't know what to say (which let's face it, not many do), just to offer love and support. Also, if you feel able, just to tell them that you know they mean well, but that comments like that are unhelpful, hurtful and just plain wrong. People who haven't been through it just don't understand the pain, why would they? But I would never try and offer wisdom to someone who had just lost their husband, so I don't expect others to offer wisdom to me, when they can't possibly know what I've been through. Mind you, some of the worst comments were from someone who had had 2 miscarriages...

Take care of yourself, and try to ignore the insensitive and sometimes downright offensive comments.

AnotherDreamer · 05-13-2008, 06:35 PM

I've been getting all these insensitive comments, but then the other night my MIL did the sweetest thing...
She came over, out of the blue, and gave me a poem she wrote for the baby... it was so sweet. It made me so happy that someone else is acknowledging my baby... it was just so touching that she did that.

It was like a relief, like a weight had been lifted (if only slightly) that someone in the family gets it.

ShannonMVT · 05-22-2008, 06:23 PM

I have gotten all of the insensitive comments. It seems like they all start with "at least" At least you can get pregnant. At least it didn't happen when you were further along. Etc.

I was angry at first but I finally got to the point where I recognized that these people just had no clue what to say to me and I was able to not take it too personally.